The One Where Larry Bird Steals Shank's Lunch Money

This one had to hurt, Shank...

Despite injured hand, Larry Bird won $160 off Dan Shaughnessy in shooting contest
...
Larry was MVP in ’84, ’85, and ’86, and the height of his powers was ’85. He was on the cover of Time magazine and it was a big deal. That’s when he had the 60-point game in New Orleans against the Atlanta Hawks. So, we found out later he’d gotten in a barroom fight in downtown Boston, down by Faneuil Hall. It was a bar, I think it was called Chelsea’s. Larry had come to the defense of a teammate, or some issue, and doing the old-school Indiana thing he swung at a guy and he messed up his hand. And he was taping it at practice, and it was a very odd-looking kind of a web-taping, splitting his hand into two sets of fingers.

And then the cheap SOB had the nerve to try and expense it with the Globe:

HIMMELSBACH: So wait, you expensed the $160 that you lost in a shooting contest?

SHAUGHNESSY: Yes, and evidently the IRS frowns on the word ‘wager’ in expense accounts, (because it's a personal expense, maybe? - ed.) because it bounced back and they said ‘You cannot put ‘wager’ in an expense account.’ So I just made it eight $20 lunches with [Celtics center] Robert Parish. We just substituted.

Like you really need to know more than that about a person's character.

Larry Bird Watch - II

Larry Legend turns fifty-nine today. Will Shank do something to commemorate this historic occasion?

Patriots Predictions - II

On a scale from 1 to 10, how scathing and vicious will Shank's next column be concerning the Patriots' loss to the Eagles tonight? How many second guesses will there be on a column he began to write just after Malcom Jenkins returned that pick 100 yards for the touchdown to make the score 28 - 14? And will Shank once again mention coach Belichick putting his hands on a female NFL referee?

Outrage Machine Ginned up

Shank's just doing his part to make a mountain out of a molehill, because that's what scumbags do:

Bill is explaining rule to female ref here pic.twitter.com/5pKK8rZIqQ

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 6, 2015

The comments are what you'd expect - half of them sanctimoniously faking indignation and outrage, which has become the new American pastime. Just further proof that Twitter is largely a cesspool for idiots and whiners. Losers, all...

The Sun Rises In The East...

...and Shank continues to make dumb, juvenile tweets during a Patriots game:

We just saw Bears and Giants lose because kickers could not make field goals Gostkowski would make. Oh. And Pats defer. This one over.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 6, 2015

How can one team win over 70 perecent of coin flips? Someday there will be a Quartergate probe

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 6, 2015

Patriots Predictions

Will Shank insult us with blathering Twitter inanities about the Patriots winning the coin toss, or will we get a stern but predictable dire warning of the dreaded 'double score'?

No reason it can't be both - stay tuned!

Shank Needs A Dictionary

For two reasons - the first one's embarrassing enough; what's always bothered this blogger is his decades-long cavalier use of the word 'fraud' to describe people he doesn't like. We'll look forward to Shank's explanation, if he can ever be bothered to articulate it.

Dion Sanders. Great athlete. All time fraud

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 4, 2015

No Price Too Low

The Red Sox have signed David Price, and The CHB is singing Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

"Why quarrel with what the Red Sox will be paying Price if he ultimately gets hurt or falters in the final years of this contract?" he writes.

Oh yes, why indeed? Especially because the Royals -- you remember them? -- won the World Series the season after shedding their best pitcher.

Or perhaps because, just three months into their first season with the Red Sox, The CHB compared high priced free agents Hanley Ramirez and Pablo Sandoval to the "baseball version of Sidney Wicks and Curtis Rowe," two players who by the time they reached the Boston Celtics were known more for their attitude than their production.

The rewrites of history continue. Ben Cherington "failed." (Didn't the Red Sox win a World Series in 2013? I keep forgetting.) David Price is sensitive, but Manny Ramirez (the "diva") and Keith Foulke (whom upon his signing in 2003 The CHB wrote: "People in the A's front office think Keith Foulke made a mistake coming to Boston ... and some of the A's believe Foulke is too sensitive. I tend to agree.") aren't. The Boston farm system is overrated (the best player on the team in 22-year-old Mookie Betts; the AL Silver Slugger award winner as shortstop in 23-year-old Xander Bogaerts; the best defensive OF in baseball in 25-year-old Jackie Bradley Jr.; and enough prospects to land the best closer in baseball, but OK...).

And Shank, it's time to drop the "big bowl of awkward" cliche. That's twice in two months you've rolled it out, and we all know you stole it. Booyah!

The Hurst of Times

Aw, Shank, still crazy after all these years. There he is, dredging up the memories of 1986, and whining about -- of all things -- white collar jobs going to people with college degrees.

Wonder if he thinks any kid out of high school can replace him? Wonder if he knows a blind monkey could?

And in a piece ostensibly on Bruce Hurst, the ex Red Sox hurler who starred in the 86 World Series against the Mets, there are no fewer than four grafs about Roger Clemens.

P.S. Larry Bird sighting!

No More Perfect Season

Being a douchebag Boston Globe sports columnist means never having to say you're sorry, or were wrong about the previous night's tweets declaring the game as already being won for the Patriots. Today we get a typical Shank column - the standard game recap, a inane Red Sox comparison, omission of a major injury (Donta Hightower's sprained MCL) and some dumb and extremely dated song lyrics.

Back At Ya

Kubiak really had 'em ready. Complete Clown Show by the Broncos in the first quarter.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 30, 2015

@Dan_Shaughnessy says the guy with real life clown hair.

— Uncle Brewski(@Uncle_Brewski) November 30, 2015

UPDATE AT 11/30/2015, 12:05 AM - Wondering if Shank's going to backtrack on that tweet anytime soon, in light of recent events. Not that it will stop him from trashing the Patriots in the column he's feverishly working on right now.

Accentuating The Positive

His eternal optimism is what makes him such an outstanding columnist:

Pats win toss. Defer. This one is over. Double score for sure Damn. Was hoping for a little suspense tonight.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 30, 2015

Johnny One Note - II

Just a guess here, but maybe Shank needs some new pregame material?

Folks here in Denver shivering (wind chill 18) as we await the coin flip in less than 30 min. Wonder if Fraidy Cat Kubiak knows what to do?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 30, 2015

Missed Opportunity

Shank's latest column laments the inability to copy and paste previous columns:

DENVER — This was the game we circled on the calendar when the NFL schedule was released last spring. It was supposed to be Brady-Manning XVII, and less than a month ago there was still a possibility that it might feature the first meeting of 10-0 teams in league history.

Instead, we’re getting Brady-Osweiler I, which lacks a certain gravitas. Oh, and the Broncos have lost two of their last three, and had to work hard to earn a 2-point win over the Chicago Bears last week.

Shank then spares the readers the typical mail-it-in column:

So, we’ll put the Russell-Chamberlain, Ali-Frazier comparisons on the shelf for the weekend. We may have seen the last of Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning.

... only to instead remind you how bad the Patriots suck in Denver:

The Mile High City has not been New England’s friend. It is, instead, where the sidelines are sprinkled with Kryptonite dust. Patriot Superman Brady is an underwhelming 2-5 lifetime in Denver. He’s been on the losing side four times in five tries since that fateful night in 2003 when Bill Belichick ordered long snapper Lonie Paxton to hike the football through New England’s end zone to take a safety. Brady wound up throwing a game-clinching TD pass to David Givens in a 30-26 New England win.

Because Shank's at his best when one of the hometown teams is at its worst.

Whoops!

Shank, Sunday afternoon:

The best part about the Patriots playing “Monday Night Football?”

Easy.

It’s Sunday. The day before the Patriots play. That’s the day you get to sit in your den and watch the Pats’ pitiful competition in the AFC.

Seriously. I know you’ve all heard plenty about the annual Waltz of the Tomato Cans, but has it ever been easier than this? Has the Patriots’ conference competition ever been more pathetic, more injured, more hopeless? Every team in New England’s path just falls down, crashes, and burns. Seeing what happened to Denver, Miami, Baltimore, and the Jets on Sunday — coupled with Cincinnati’s embarrassing performance at home last Monday night, I thought the Patriots might mathematically clinch another AFC East before setting foot on the Foxborough turf Monday night. Truly. Do we really have to go through another seven regular-season games and three weeks of playoffs before stamping the Patriots ticket to Super Bowl 50 in Santa Clara?

Shank, after last night's win over the Bills:

The Revenge Tour has become the Survival Tour.

Once dominant, once a bully, the perfect Patriots find themselves struggling to play at a championship level.

Sounds strange, and a tad greedy, doesn’t it? I can think of fans in 30 other markets who’d be happy to have our “problems” here in New England. But because of their own success, a Super Bowl championship is the expectation in Foxborough, and the latest trending is not favorable.

The Patriots just got their butts kicked by both the Giants and Bills . . . and won both games because the other guys could not finish the job. The Patriots staggered to a 20-13 victory over the (ever-able-to-beat-themselves) Buffalo Bills Monday night.

No surprise here that Shank turns on a dime yet again at the first sign of trouble. On the bright side - guess the Bills are Tomato Cans no more!

Close BC / Irish Game

... but you'd barely know that after trudging through this column. Here's the sole paragraph devoted to discussing the game:

The Irish had butterfingers on this night and made a mockery of their top-four ranking while playing a vastly inferior opponent. (BC is 3-8 and has lost seven straight.) Against a strong BC defense, the Irish fumbled four times (two lost) and were intercepted three times. Notre Dame turned the ball over three times in the red zone. If Bill Belichick coached either of these teams Saturday, the Hoodie would have been fitted for a straightjacket after the game. The Irish were the definition of “overrated.’’ The Eagles were unwatchable on offense.

The rest of the column was evidently written before & during the game. Talk about mailing it in!

One Trick Pony - II

Notre dame must be using over inflated footballs

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 22, 2015

Pasty White Irishman Rejoices

Fenway ready for the Irish pic.twitter.com/CuBX8bFXxJ

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 20, 2015

'Papi-ng' Off over Ortiz Retirement

In feting -- if one can call it that -- David Ortiz, who announced his retirement this week, The CHB falls back on a well-worn (worn out?) cliche of who belongs on the Boston Mt. Rushmore.

His picks: Bill Russell, Bobby Orr, Ted Williams and Tom Brady. Obvious choices, and hardly novel, given that the same path was taken in the Boston Herald in February. Usually The CHB does a better job of hiding his source material.

Attentive readers might recall a couple months after the Herald column, Boston.com ran a similar survey, limiting choices to Red Sox players. That one spurred The CHB to call such parlor games "contrived."

He has a point: This is an age-old conversation starter. Going back to 2009, for instance, ESPN had Williams, Brady, Orr and Red Auerbach.

But as always, Shank is his own worst enemy. Indeed, he has been yammering on about the Boston Mount since at least since 2004, when following the Patriots' second Super Bowl win he imagined Tom Brady's visage carved in place along with Williams, Bill Russell, Orr, and Larry Bird. (That's five busts, for those who are counting.)

A year later he reiterated those choices while extolling the virtues of one Adam Vinatieri (remember him?).

By 2011, we were back to four, with Larry Legend having been supplanted, at least in Shank's mind.

Indeed, this is one of his favorite topics, next to ragging on Dominican divas (a label he once again sticks to Ortiz, as if running around on two damaged knees and standing in against 100 mph heaters somehow makes you a wimp) and inserting Larry Bird references into columns where they have no business being.

Like this one.

That Didn't Work Out So Well

Shank tried trolling Patriots fans a few hours ago:

No doubt the Ideal Gas Law folks can explain why Patriots are fumbling more often, and dropping more passes at home this year. #Just sayin'

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 17, 2015

...and got his ass handed to him by over one hundred responses, including these:

@Dan_Shaughnessy they had 0.9 fumbles per game at home last year… 0.8 this year. stop listening to morons on the radio

— Mike (@gtfo) November 17, 2015

@Dan_Shaughnessy I don't know, why did Calvin Murphy miss 31 FT in 1980 and only 9 the following year? #variation

— Bob Lessick (@lessick) November 17, 2015

@Dan_Shaughnessy Serious question: did you do any research at all to find out if that was actually true before tweeting it? Seems it's false

— Jason Manganello(@JasonM124) November 18, 2015

@Dan_Shaughnessy classic troll by Shank - numbers be damned!

— John Reardon (@johnreardon68) November 18, 2015

Wide Right

Shank takes another shot at comedy, and fails miserably.

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Welcome to Super Bowl 50, where the undefeated New England Patriots (18-0) will take on the .500 New York Giants (8-8 regular season) in the teams’ third Super Bowl matchup since February of 2008.

“We don’t care about what’s happened in the past,’’ Patriots coach Bill Belichick said Monday evening at the SAP Center, home of Joe Thornton and the NHL’s San Jose Sharks. “The only thing that matters is Sunday’s game against the Giants.’’

All true, of course. But the nation is agog over the prospect of this ultimate rematch. It was the New York Giants who derailed history with a 17-14 upset of the undefeated Patriots in Glendale, Ariz., in Super Bowl XLII eight years ago this week. Four years after that game, the Giants again beat the Patriots (21-17) in Super Bowl XLVI in Indianapolis.

Shank writes this column still pretending to like the Patriots, and this unclever ploy becomes clear when you read the rest of the column. Why, then, does he continue to mention Deflategate, Ernie Adams, Brady's appearance with Jim Gray at Salem State back in May, the fines paid by the Patriots, Brady's personal trainer, Judge Richard Berman and mocked coach Belichick's purposefully mangling the names of social media sites? Does he think these are still relevant topics, or is he just being a dick?

The One Where Shank Rips Off Felger & Mazz... Again

Shank's recent column on the upcoming Pats / Giants game, about an hour ago:

It’ll be different Sunday afternoon at 4:25 in the Meadowlands. The New York Giants probably won’t win the game, but they will not lose because their coach is overwhelmed or afraid of the Hoodie. The coach of the New York Football Giants is Tom Coughlin and he fears nothing. Including Belichick.

Coughlin knows almost everything there is to know about Belichick the coach. They spent some formative years together (1988-90) in the House of Bill Parcells when the Almighty Tuna was winning Super Bowls in East Rutherford, N.J.

Coughlin was the Giants wide receivers coach while Belichick was deep into his reign as the Tuna’s defensive coordinator. Coughlin was an even bigger football nut than Belichick. When Parcells called the Giants team offices on Christmas Day, it was Coughlin, not Belichick, who answered the phone. After two rings.

Now, go here, scroll down to Nov. 12th, Hour 1, and listen to the first twelve minutes of the show.

Eeerily similar, no? This game was discussed to death the past three days on local sports radio; either Shank is unoriginal (which we already know) or he copied & pasted the transcripts (which we also already know he's done in the past).

Larry Bird Watch

Shank gets an early Christmas present - a phone interview with Larry Legend:

Memo to Boston fans: Larry Bird still loves you and he loves your teams. Even from his home state of Indiana, the Heartland of Deflategate Hate.

“I never root against the Boston teams,’’ Bird said in a phone interview while his Indiana Pacers prepared to face the Celtics at TD Garden Wednesday night. “There’s no sports town like Boston. I don’t care where you go.

“They talk about Chicago and Philadelphia. No. They don’t ever compare to Boston. I mean, there’s ladies in their 90s and they can name every player on the Red Sox and Patriots team. You just don’t have it anywhere like that.

Incorrect Assessment

A little off timing with the inane commentary:

Something wrong if u liked that pats game. Not contested. Not fun. Perfunctory boredom. Sorry. See u in Santa Clara

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 9, 2015

At least he did us a favor and didn't subject us to a full column of the same - thanks, Shank!

The Patriots Lost The Coin Toss

... so Shank hasn't yet tweeted out anything inane about deferring possession to the second half / game over / double score & all that crap. I'm sure you're as disappointed as we are...

Congratulations, Objective Bruce!

You finally wrote a worthwhile story. Either that, or I don't care to follow you anymore.

What's your connection to Hingham, personal or professional? Do tell, bunky!

DHL Dan - XLIX

Here's your semi-fortnightly serving of Shank's random thoughts on various subjects, like a bogus cheap shot at the Patriots while pretending to be on the bandwagon:

Picked-up pieces while contemplating 16-0 and 19-0 . . .

■ This doesn’t get mentioned enough: The No. 1 reason the Patriots win every week is ball security. Through seven games the Patriots have THREE giveaways. Two lost fumbles and one interception (which we all know was an accurate pass that bounced off Julian Edelman). The Patriots never, ever give the ball away. Not even with properly inflated footballs. The Detroit Lions already have 20 giveaways.

Ancient Celtics story? You bet!

■ Nov. 5 marks the 30th anniversary of Bill Walton’s 32d birthday, which was also the day his first wife arranged to have a stripper perform for him at midcourt of the gym at Hellenic College (Holy Cross Greek Orthodox School of Theology) after Celtics practice.

Rewriting history? We got you covered!

■ World Series TV ratings were up this year (thank you, Mets), but the final game was still beaten by “Sunday Night Football.” It was 23 million for Packers-Broncos compared with 17.2 million for Mets-Royals. Closer than I expected.

...

■ Five World Series games should be enough to alert 30 general managers about the risks of taking on Yoenis Cespedes. New York Rangers coach Alain Vigneault ripped Cespedes, saying, “How ’bout when you take the ball off [the knee] and you take yourself out of the game in the World Series,” then apologized for the remark.

Funny, I don't remember Shank complaining about him when he was with the Red Sox...

Snooze Radio

Just in time for your mid-day nap:

On with @ZoandBertrand now until 1:00. Zo is fired up to see the Colts losing.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 3, 2015

The One Where Dan Confuses 'Formula' with 'Strategy'

So Kansas City is the World Series champions. God help us all.

That's not because KC is somehow undeserving. While this team will never be seen as a threat to Murderer's Row, and in all likelihood not a single player from either season's model will make the Hall of Fame, they have made it to the big dance two years running: Clearly they are doing something right.

Rather, the problem is that lazy observers like The CHB will somehow try to extrapolate genius from what is, more than anything, simply good timing.

"KC’s formula [emphasis mine] was the same throughout the 2015 postseason," writes The CHB. "The Royals would fall behind, rally in the eighth or ninth, then wait for the Mets to blunder. It worked just about every time ... "

Such a presentation suggests that 1) there is an advantage to falling behind and 2) that the Royals deliberately did so. Nonsense, all.

In baseball, of course, the team with the lead sees a big jump in win expectancy. As Dave Cameron writes at FanGraphs today: "[The Royals] late-game offensive success was remarkable, but there just isn’t much evidence that it’s something that can be planned on; KC hitters had a .691 OPS and averaged 0.11 runs per plate appearance from the seventh inning on during the regular season. While there was a lot of talk about contact hitters providing a huge advantage in those situations, the Royals were basically the best contact team ever during the regular season and didn’t see it translate into success against elite relievers for the first six months of the year."

If the Royals were better than their peers in overcoming leads in late innings, it's likely because their own bullpen was so good at shutting down opponents and keeping the game winnable.

And no Shank column would be complete without a few obvious cliches, in this case references to John McNamara, who failed to substitute Dave Stapleton for Bill Buckner in 1986, and Grady Little, who left a gassed Pedro Martinez in against the Yankees in 2003. The CHB is as dependent on framing everything in Red Sox terms as he is on oxygen to breathe.

If you want to read a good column on the Royals victory and what it means, click here.

Royal Failure

Hahaha. One day after positing that a 98-mile-an-hour heater from Mets' righty Noah Syndergaard had changed the Series, its the victimized Royals who apparently were fired up.

This after they came back to beat the Mets in Game 4, prompting The CHB to write: "Their manhood was challenged ... momentum had shifted [and] they came back swinging."

It was a great game, filled with questionable managerial decisions and crucial plays, both positive and -- in the case of playoff hero Daniel Murphy, whose misplay of a grounder in 8th allowed the Royals to tie the score in what became a 5-3 Royals win. Any of this would have made for a great baseball column. But Shank just isn't capable of that.

Funny: Eric Hosmer, who butchered a grounder in Game 1 that could have cost the Royals the game (they tied it with a homer in the 9th and then won it in extra innings), hits a crappy little grounder right at Murphy. The latter boots it, but it's Hosmer who, per The CHB, is "ever-clutch."

We can be thankful, I suppose, there were no Bill Buckner references.

Bean Misfire

Something to understand about The CHB: He is not predisposed to athletes with brown skin.

If a Hispanic pitcher offers up a high, hard one, he's an "irresponsible baby."

If it's a white pitcher delivering the goods, however, as Mets hurler Noah Sydergaard did last night in World Series Game 3 against the Royals, it's the "ultimate New York moment" that "changed everything."

Beyond acting as baseball's color guard (get it?), The CHB as usual overstates the importance of a single moment in the game of baseball, especially when it comes to pitching inside.

He has written often about the game where Alex Rodriguez was made to eat the better part of Jason Varitek's mitt, calling it the "day the passive Red Sox finally fought back." Right. The Sox were so fired up, they went 7-6 over the next 13 games. And the Yankees were so taken aback, they only won 10 of their next 14 contests.

But don't let the facts get in the way of a good cliche.

"The World Series is back in New York and the Mets are back in the Series," The CHB gushes.

(Except that tonight they lost to go down 3-1, so ...)

Hot Patriots Takes, By Dan Shaughnessy

With the Patriots losing the coin toss, then rolling on the Miami Dolphins 19 - 0 at halftime, Shank issues these trenchant observations of the game:

Wow. I wonder if the Patriots can win the AFC East this year.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 30, 2015

Tomato. Cans. Ho-hum. See you in Santa Clara for the real game.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 30, 2015

The Wit Of Dan Shaughnessy

Dan Shaughnessy, unaware that the AFC East currently has the second highest win total of the eight divisions in the NFL, continues to peddle the cutesy 'tomato can' meme, and combines it with the last name of the new Miami Dolphins coach to get extra cutesy:

Still no QBs or head coaches to give Pats competition in AFC East. Now there's a Campbell coaching in the Tomato Can Division. Perfect.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 29, 2015

We breathlessy await the inevitable 'coin flip' tweet...

Hair Raising Column

Pretending to write about Game 2 of the 2015 World Series, Shank milks a theme:

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Hair. Long, beautiful hair. Here, there, everywhere.

It was Woodstock Meets World Series at Kauffman Stadium Wednesday night as two long-haired moundsmen took the ball at the start of Game 2 of the 111th World Series. It was Kansas City’s Johnny Cueto and his Bob Marley dreadlocks vs. New York’s Jacob deGrom, who appears to be auditioning for the Bee Gees.

Step aside, “Take Me Out To the Ball Game.” Game 2 could have been played to the tune of David Crosby’s “Almost Cut My Hair.’’

Song and band references from the Sixties & Seventies? That's a new one!

From there, the cookie-cutter game recap is done, and one last lame hair reference concludes the 'effort':

The story line rarely changes with the great young players: Hair today . . . gone tomorrow.

Sorry. Couldn’t resist.

For the sake of your readers, maybe you should.

Sensing A Theme Here

Mets Jonathan Niese, who pitched in last night's epic, was born on October 27, 1986, the day the Mets beat Red Sox in Series.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 28, 2015

Stuck In History

Shank knows this theme well - it defines his entire career as a sports reporter and columnist and constitutes the majority of his Game 1 recap of the 2015 World Series. This game ended roughly an hour ago - try telling me this column wasn't written either before or as the game progressed. There's nary a god damned thing about the actual game itself, like he was sipping on comped beers the whole time when this retro mode suddenly shot over him.

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — No sports institution values history, and gets stuck in history, like Major League Baseball.

And you never know when history will be made.

Let’s take the opening game of the 2015 World Series on Tuesday night, for example. The 5-4 Royals win in 14 innings — tied for the longest game in Series history — was heartfelt and historic. One for the ages. It featured the sorrowful scene of a pitcher (KC’s Edinson Volquez) starting the game just hours after the death of his father. It featured the first Series inside-the-park homer (KC’s Alcides Escobar) since the immortal Mule Haas turned the trick against the Cubs in 1929. It featured the first Series game delay (fourth inning) owed to a television power outage. It featured the first series late-inning go-ahead run due to a first baseman’s error (Eric Hosmer) since Bill Buckner’s gaffe-for-the-ages in 1986. It featured a game-saving, bottom-of-the-ninth homer by KC’s Alex Gordon off Met closer Jeurys Familia — a Kirk Gibson-esque moment for sure. It featured an 11th-inning Dwight Evans-like running catch by Met right fielder Curtis Granderson.

All this on October 27, a historic date for the Mets, the Royals, and yes, the Red Sox.

The Royals are sitting on a World Series drought of 29 years. The last time Kansas City sat atop the baseball world was Oct. 27, 1985, when Brett Saberhagen beat John Tudor in the seventh game of the World Series.

The Mets also like Oct. 27. That’s the day that they recovered from a 3-0 deficit (two days after the Buckner game) and beat the Red Sox, 8-5, in the seventh game of the 1986 World Series. The Mets have not won the World Series in 30 years.

All good Red Sox fans celebrate Oct. 27 because it was 11 years ago on that date that the Sox broke an 86 year curse (wholly invented by Shank - ed. )under a blood red moon in St. Louis. Oct. 27 is an unofficial Hub Hardball Holiday.

Only an old dinosaur of a columnist could churn out the following self-serving swill:

The Mets are still about Tom Seaver, Dwight Gooden, Keith Hernandez, and Gary Carter. The Royals are about George Brett, Bo Jackson, and Saberhagen. It’s going to take a championship in 2015 to awaken fans to a new generation of baseball gods.

I could write something detailed about the aforementioned pitcher that would be rejected by my co-blogger. It involves 'friends' in other cities when baseball players travel to said other cities, and it will be left at that.

And noted nutritionist Dan Shaughnessy feels the need to weigh in on the following, which would bring great sadness to the likes of former Red Sox pitcher Bob Stanley:

It might also be considered a bad omen for baseball when you wake up on the first day of the World Series and read that the World Health Organization has determined that hot dogs — the official food of baseball for 120 years — actually cause cancer. What ever happened to baseball standing for “all that was once good” in America?

Short response to that one - how many times in your life did you hear 'health experts' declare that eggs were bad for you, then good for you, then bad for you, and so on?

He Really Is A Miserable Fuck

It's that, or Shank's a) just hoping to move more of his books by perpetuating the now vanquished Curse of The Bambino or b) reflexive hate of the Boston Red Sox. Check out these retweets in the past hour:

Little bouncer...behind the bag!...And the Mets (are probably going to) win it!

— Steve Silva (@stevesilva) October 28, 2015

No joke -- per @paul_casella, Lagaresscored the first go-ahead run on an error in 8th or later of a World Series game since Buckner in '86.

— Anthony DiComo(@AnthonyDiComo) October 28, 2015

Then again, all these reasons are right on the money.

Patriots Blamed In 3, 2, 1...

Is it possible they have halted the World Series because Fox lost the TV feed? Seriously? Humiliating for baseball if true.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 28, 2015

Informative World Series Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Our Man Shank is on the scene in Kansas City:

We are just about an hour and a half from scheduled first pitch and it it raining cats and dogs here in Kansas City.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 27, 2015

Guess he'll be hitting the bar soon, eh?

DHL Dan - XLVIII

No, this isn't a picked up pieces column, but reading Shank's opening World Series missive gives the distinct whiff of a column half written while taking a dump in the bathroom:

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Perhaps you don’t care about the World Series. Understood. A lot of folks in Boston don’t care. The Red Sox have morphed into a perennial doormat, far removed from the postseason baseball conversation, and it’s all about the Patriots these days. The Patriots play the Dolphins on Thursday night. Kickoff is at 8:25 p.m.

You mean the doormat that's won three of the previous eleven World Series? There's no other word to describe this guy besides shithead.

From there, Shank devotes the column to fellow pasty white Irishman Dan Murphy, second baseman of the New York Mets, who played with Rob Gronkowski's brother in college. That's the column, and you're welcome in advance for saving you the chore of reading it.

Johnny One Note

Nope - this'll never get old!

Pats win toss. AGAIN. Defer. Double score in play. Game over early again. Jets never had a chance

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 25, 2015

Shank's aware these games have been close in recent years, right?

A Well Known Subject

Shank is familiar with this theme. A week or two after helping to get Kirk Minihane shitcanned from Comcast SportsNet, he can't help but wonder:

The hate has drained out of Patriots-Jets

Jet Week was too tame for me. Robert’s Rules Of Order replaced the Hatfields and McCoys. We saw respect from both camps. We heard one polite comment after another. In a week that’s traditionally full of fury and foolishness, trash talk was banished to the curb.

So little emotion. No cheap shots.

Any theories?

...
I think I can explain this absence of malice. From the New York side, folks are simply consumed with the Amazin’ Mets, who look like they are going to win their first World Series since the 1986 Metropolitans shocked Bill Buckner and the Boston Red Sox. The Mets’ magic ride in October of 2015 is the stuff of legend and has taken Apple folks’ eyes off the matchup with the Patriots.

Here in New England, the Jets have moved to the back of the pack of Patriot enemies. There are so many teams we hate more now. In the wake of Deflategate, the Colts and Ravens have moved to the top of New England’s Nixonian enemies list.

It’s hard to get fired up about Ryan Fitzpatrick when the region has so much hate reserved for Roger Goodell, Chris Mortensen, Bill Polian, and Bob Kravitz. After decades of annoying the Patriots, the Jets played virtually no role in the Deflategate debacle.

In conclusion...

...
Doormats in recent seasons (4-12 last year), the Jets are a surprising 4-1, losing only to the Eagles. All of New York’s victories have been by margins of at least 13 points. New York’s defense ranks first in the league in points and yards allowed. The Jets have an easy schedule the rest of the way. They have a rookie coach (Todd Bowles), who presents as a mature adult instead of a rat (Mangini) or a clown (Rex Ryan).

So much for the Tomato Can Division theory...

This Is Why He's Called Shank, Folks

The origin of this nickname can be traced back to Glenn Ordway (I believe it was late 1990's), and this notion has just been heavily reinforced. I spotted a response to one of Shank's tweets earlier this week alluding to this matter, and now there's confirmation:

Kirk Minihane vs CSNNE (and Fred Toucher, Tony Massarotti and Dan Shaughnessy.)

Minihane said that Fred Toucher and Tony Massarotti went to the powers to be at Comcast SportsNet and asked them to keep Minihane off the air.

He also stated that Dan Shaughnessy has actively been trying to screw him over and cause him to lose work. Mostly because Minihane calls him Shank. Bart Hubbuch also factors into this, after he took the clip of Minihane saying that Roger Goodell should be “murdered” and put it on Twitter, leaving out the part where Minihane said he was joking.

Minihane, John Dennis and Gerry Callahan did an expletive-filled podcast on the topic where Kirk let loose on his enemies and what he feels they’ve done to him.

Dennis touches on his long-standing hate-feud with Gene Lavanchy as well.

I don't have a solid opinion about Minihane, but I'm aware he's kind of a shit stirrer like Shank. Why can't shit stirrers all get along?

Fisk and Shits

Quick: Do you remember where you were on this date 40 years ago?

The correct answers are "of course not" and "who cares."

As it turns out, it was 40 years ago today that Carlton Fisk hit the 12-inning homer to beat the Reds in the 1975 World Series. It was Game 6 before there was "Game 6."*

And that's what The CHB wants to tell us about.

Here's the problem: Fisk's moment was transcendent. The date doesn't matter. It's an iconic moment, not in baseball history, not in New England history, but in SPORTS history. For years it was part of opening sequence to the NBC Game of the Week, and the Bat in the Night is part of a display in Cooperstown.

What's more, everyone and their dog is trotting out pieces on it this week. Even The Boston Globe Magazine beat Shank to the punch.

Oh, the problems with the piece are rampant. The CHB says Fred Lynn was the "best center fielder we’d see until Jackie Bradley Jr. came around." Not even close. Coco Crisp -- the prototype for JBJ -- was twice the defensive CF that Fragile Freddy was. Even Rick Miller, Lynn's contemporary, was a superior OF.

He calls Luis Tiant the "best best big-game pitcher we would ever see." El Tiante had a 2.86 ERA and 20 strikeouts in 34 post-season innings. Jon Lester has a 2.85 ERA and 87 K's in 98 innings -- in a higher octane offensive era. (Perhaps Shank keeps his eyes closed when Lester is on the mound.)

All in all, Shaughnessy's homage is familiar in tone and content to Clark Booth's writeup from 2004.
Fisk's home run is memorable. The CHB's hasty, crappy memory of it, not so much.

*Screw you, Buckner!

Milking It, By Dan Shaughnessy

Flipping channels after seeing the Kansas City Royals killing the Toronto Blue Jays, 9-2 in the seventh inning, I spot Shank on the Early Edition of the local cable channel Comcast Sports Net New England. The subject of Shank's appearance? A rehashing of yesterdays column. Quelle surprise!

No heavy lifting, and an appearance fee. The only thing missing was a free meal somewhere. Great day for Shank!

And Why Shouldn't He?

A lazy, lethargic Boston Globe sports columnist takes nearly a full day to deliver his take on last night's Patriots / Colts game. The entirety of Shank's column is so chock full of lies, bullshit and borderline slander that the only effective remedy is for this blogger to deliver the required Fisking of the column in its entirety, or close to it.

Angry Tom Brady is force to be reckoned with

Once again after the Patriots’ 34-27 victory Sunday night in Indianapolis, Tom Brady was quick to brush aside the media.

By Dan Shaughnessy Globe Staff October 20, 2015

Tom Brady is an angry man. This is probably a good thing for the Patriots and Patriot fans.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. Brady is captain of the Revenge Tour and he no longer cares about hurting anybody’s feelings. He’s not going to go out of his way to help, or be nice to folks who weren’t nice to him after the air was taken out of the balls last season. After Sunday’s 34-27 win in Indianapolis, Brady blew off NBC’s Michele Tafoya, then issued three terse answers when asked about keeping a souvenir football or two.

Please explain the rationale for being nice to a group of people who, on a collective basis, called you a cheater or worse and doubted your integrity for the past nine months, Mr. Shaughnessy. Naturally, that rationale is not provided here.

Q: “Did you keep the football after the game, and if so, I was curious what that meant to you and what make you want to keep that football?”

A: “I didn’t keep it.’’

Q: “I saw you kept two balls for a keepsake, one after LeGarrette Blount’s touchdown run, and then at the end of the game you put the football in your helmet. Why two footballs? Are you giving it to somebody else?”
A: “I didn’t keep them.’’

Q: “Are they going to somebody else?”

A: “I don’t know.’’

Deflate that.

Whatever that's supposed to mean!

But wait - it gets better:

Brady has been brief and joyless in his mandated weekly and postgame sessions with folks who cover the Patriots. He is doing the minimum and nothing more. He will take a few questions, move his lips, then wrap up abruptly with, “Thanks, guys.’’

Any reason why this might be the case, Einstein?

It doesn’t matter, of course. All that matters is what Brady does on the field and the results are thus far unimpeachable. Brady no longer has Randy Moss or a veteran line, but he is more precise than ever. He has one interception in five games and that was a ball that bounced off Julian Edelman. Not Tom’s fault.

Brady was clearly angry at the end of the game. A lot of that anger comes from his insistence on perfection.

You're sure about that?

He can’t stand leaving points on the field. He knows that the Patriots’ offense could not shut the door Sunday night. They could not put the game away the way they wanted. Like coach Bill Belichick, Brady wants to finish strong every week. When he doesn’t finish strong, he’s angry.

The most telling statement he made to the local media last week was an acknowledgment that “I’m human.’’

He’s human and the fallout from Deflategate has made him angry. After the AFC Championship game, Brady was hung out to dry by just about everyone except his dad.

And including a certain Boston Globe sports columnist! Eager to keep the fires of DeflateGate burning, in an impressive display of passive / aggressive behavior, Shank goes on:

First his coach said, “Ask Tom.’’

Shot at coach Belichick? check.

Then his owner, ever hungry to keep his seat at the NFL’s Big Boy table, played footsie with the Commish and the other owners and accepted the largest punishment in the history of the league. This made it open season on Tom, his legacy, his honor.

Except that this 'open season' on Tom Brady by the NFL league office exceeded / violated their own rules on this sort of thing.

Then it was leaked that Brady destroyed his cellphone on the day he was called to testify before Ted Wells.

It's of questionable legal or NFL precedent / requirement whether Brady was required to turn that data or phone over to Ted Wells. This is just further evidence into Shanks lack of knowledge of the situation.

When the starry-eyed judge ultimately lifted Brady’s suspension, the haters (a.k.a “realists”) were quick to remind everyone that Brady was not cleared of guilt as much as he was allowed back on the field because of the bungled procedures by the league.

So we're supposed to believe that the NFL's appeals process, clearly lacking in the due process department and clearly stated as such by Federal judge Berman, was overturned on a mere technicality?

Tom is human so he’s no doubt wounded that so many were quick to brand him as a liar and a cheater. Longtime Patriot watchers know that Brady’s greatness and his honors are owed to talent, hard work, and a magical coach-player relationship unseen since Messrs. Auerbach and Russell ruled the basketball world.

We don’t really know Tom.

Jesus H. Christ, where have we heard this disingenuous tripe before?

But we have seen him grow and mature in his 16 seasons in Foxboro. We have seen him cultivate and polish an image as a man of wealth and taste. We have seen him marry a woman more wealthy and famous than himself. We have seen him applaud one president at a State of the Union address, then snub another president when the Patriots were invited to the White House. We have seen him demonstrate more emotion and anger on the sideline.

Meanwhile, we are hearing him say less in almost every public forum.

This year, he’s done a couple of friendly sitdowns with former Patriot quarterback Scott Zolak on “Patriots All Access”, but that’s about it as far as television goes. On the radio side, Brady’s remained loyal to WEEI’s “The Dennis & Callahan Show,” which promises to feature Tom again Tuesday at 9 a.m.

Again, why should he appear on hostile media shows after the beating he's taken over the past nine months? Inquiring minds might need that answer.

Is this misdirection?

Last week’s Brady segment on WEEI was revealing, and at times, disturbing. Brady was neither terse nor angry. When effectively cornered by host Kirk Minihane regarding Brady’s disgraced training guru Alex Guerrero, Brady spoke passionately and at great length. Brady correctly reminded us that his good health and great play is the best advertisement for Guerrero’s alternative methods, but also sounded like a man who has come under the spell of manipulative forces. There was a Tim Thomas/Tom Cruise level of discovery in that interview that made some of us wonder who’s pulling the strings behind Brady’s iron curtain.

Brady’s personal health choices are his and his alone, and worthy of great respect, but he gets into a dangerous area when he promotes his body coach/business partner with statements such as, “What I want to provide to athletes — so much of it is being pro-active — not wanting to get sick, not wanting to get injured. Lifestyle choices are very important to your health and wellness.’’

It appears to the casual observer that Brady has done just fine in this department as it concerns personal health. But hey, Shank's just asking the question!

Swell. But there’s a hint of blaming victims in all this. Let’s not suggest that everyone who gets cancer or a concussed could have prevented it with better eating habits. Please don’t try telling us that “when you get hit the head,’’ you should ask yourself, “What have you done previously to try to prevent those things?’’

Brady is taunting the sports god when he suggest that avoiding NFL injuries is a “lifestyle choice.’’ What’s the magic potion that saves any quarterback from the Bernard Pollard hit?

This is disingenuous in the extreme - you need to read into that and draw false conclusions to conclude otherwise. From this standpoint, Tom Brady has taken care of himself physically and, aside from that Bernard Pollard hit, has largely avoided serious injury. This blogger is pretty sure this angle is not subject to debate.

But by all means, let's bring up something from thirty fucking years ago!

Something tells me that the Patriots hierarchy is not pleased that Guerrero is traveling with the team and working with multiple players. It reminds me of a situation with Celtic scorer Scott Wedman and his personal trainer when the C’s played the Lakers in the epic 1984 NBA Finals. Wedman’s guy, Steve Krischel, was banned from the locker room after he worked on Robert Parish’s shoulder. (”I thought the guy was a plumber,’’ said Celtic trainer Ray Melchiorre.)

That’s not going to happen to Guerrero. The Patriots are going to let Brady do anything he wants. He’s the ticket to Super Bowl 50.

Tom can say whatever he wants. Or say nothing.

Terse or talkative, an angry Tom Brady is good for the business of winning another Super Bowl.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXVI

Stop me if you've heard this one before - the Boston Globe announced some layoffs:

The Boston Globe on Thursday underwent a staff reduction for the second year running as the newspaper seeks to cut costs and deploy more resources toward its digital efforts.

According to multiple sources at The Globe, at least 10 employees are being laid off, with more than a dozen staffers accepting buyouts.

In an email, Boston Globe Editor Brian McGrory said the newspaper had “nothing to announce at the moment.”

The layoffs, which have been anticipated by Globe staffers for some time, come several months after the Globe announced a buyout program seeking volunteers to trim headcount at the newspaper.

At the end of July, McGrory said in a note to staffers that the newspaper was seeking to streamline its copy desk and alter its Web production, layout and design processes.

“It will mean that most stories will get fewer reads, placing more responsibility on reporters and line editors to make sure they’re in good shape,” McGrory wrote. “It means that rather than a copy desk, we will have a multiplatform production desk where stories are copy edited, posted on line, perhaps placed in the social stream, and later set on pages for print.”

In other words, get ready for more screw-ups.

At least we'll have Shank to kick around some more!

Twitter Trolling

Shank's gonna have to step up his game if he's trying to antagonize everybody in Indianapolis:

Lot of confidence in pats winning in a blowout Sunday. Too much?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 15, 2015

Living Someone Else's Dream

The CHB hates the basement dwelling stat boys, who have ruined baseball for the "real" fans. So what does he do but pen a loving soliloquy to Daniel Okrent, one of the fellows who cooked up (get it?) the idea for Rotisserie baseball, aka fantasy sports.

Unfortunately for The CHB, the idea to write on Okrent has been done many times, not of leat of which by Okrent himself.

Indeed, the money quote from Okrent that The CHB uses is, in fact, the same quote used in a piece on Mr. Fantasy in The New Yorker in April: "I feel like J. Robert Oppenheimer, having invented the atomic bomb." And it shows up again in a piece in 2011. If that's not enough, here's a video of Okrent himself making -- yes he does -- the exact same comment, and referring to how he's been dropping it for more than 20 years!

This is an old, old story. Okrent published a column about it in SI more than 30 years ago. Two of Okrent's cofounders then wrote a book on, titled, appropriately, Rotisserie League Baseball. 

If that weren't enough, the Washington Post also did a column on this earlier this year.

If one were to read The New Yorker column, one would think perhaps Shank borrowed from it a bit too, shall we say, liberally? From how he came up with the idea "on a flight from Hartford to Austin," to how it was nurtured from infancy to a full-fledged industry, to the potential impact of the gambling sites on the real games, there's a lot of similarities here (The New Yorker's piece is much more extensive and well-researched, unsurprisingly).

We are used to The CHB plagiarizing himself ad nauseam. Now he's really pushing the publishing boundaries.

Plenty of Mileage in Pats Payback Meme

There's always a theme, regardless of how contrived it is.

For the Red Sox, it was the Curse of the Bambino. Then it was the Carpetbaggers (when John Henry beat out the local favorites to buy the team.) From there it became the Sons of Bill James, in reference to the use of -- gasp! -- data to aid decision making.

For the Patriots, the latest contrivance is the Patriot Revenge Tour, and the myth The CHB is pushing today is built on the notion that the teams the Patriots are facing/demolishing were all somehow involved in the Deflategate conspiracy.

Of course, this runs completely counter to the Bill Belichickian approach that each game, nay, each series is simply about executing perfectly, no matter the opposition.

Furthermore, it ignores the fact that Shank himself was convinced the Patriots had cheated.

No worries. He'll get plenty of mileage out of this latest made-up motto. Indeed, in pure Shankesque fashion, he already has.

It's News To Him?

Catching up on recent events (or the past decade), Shank does his formulaic weekly Sunday football column.

IRVING, Texas — When American Airlines Flight 1583 from Boston touched down in the Texas prairie Friday morning, a flight attendant welcomed the passengers to Dallas/Fort Worth, thanked us for flying American, then said, “Go Patriots!’’ and played “Dirty Water” over the speaker system.

Just about everyone on board roared in approval. A sprinkling of fans in Cowboys garb slinked into their seats and said nothing.

“How ’bout them Patriots?!’’

The axis of power has shifted dramatically in NFL America. There was a time when the Cowboys were America’s Team, God’s Team, the North Dallas Forty, and perennial Super Bowl contenders. They had the iconic Lone Star logo. Their owner was a caricature of new money and old ego. The Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders were subjects of books and a television movie. The Cowboys were the gold standard in the NFL; the ultimate brand in America’s new national pastime. The Cowboys were pro football’s Yankees. You either loved them or you hated them. No one was neutral.

He Won't Complain About The Barbecue

...but he'll bitch about the lack of amenities:

Folks in Arlington, Texas, predict gridlock Sunday --- Cowboys (Pats) and Rangers (playoff game) both home, no public transportation. Sweet

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 10, 2015

I Felt The Same Way

Do you remember this column, faithful readers? I watched tonight's episode of Comcast Sports Net's 'The Early Show', hosted by Gary Tanguay, and I had a painful reminder of what an obnoxious, stubborn, obtuse asshole Glenn Ordway has become since his days with Johnny Most doing Celtics games. I simply could not bear to listen to this fucking carnival barker on WEEI's 'The Big Show' because Ordway has an overly loud mouth, to the point I found it borderline unprofessional, even for sports talk shows. I used to tune into that miserable excuse for sports commentary when Ordway would simply START FUCKING SCREAMING OVER HIS CALLERS - YEEEEARGH! within a minute or two of myself tuning in, just to win the argument over said caller. I'd rather do acupuncture to myself with rusty nails.

Apparently, this old dog cannot learn new tricks:

@Dan_Shaughnessy literally looks like he is being tortured sitting next 2 @GlennDOrdway on @CSNNE. Wheres the checkbook Dan? #ImContributing

— Kevin M Flanagan (@KevinMFlanagan) October 7, 2015

I just happened to tune in tonight when this was happening, and I had a baaad flashback. Right on fucking cue, Ordway starts raising his voice multiple times when Tanguay was saying something, and the tweeter Kevin Flanagan was dead on with this comment, as Shank was pretty uncomfortable during those segments when he was on with Ordway. Hope the check clears, Shank!

I mention 'obtuse' for this reason - Tanguay brought up the upcoming Patriots / Cowboys game, and he asked (paraphrasing) - 'Is this game a measure of revenge for Robert Kraft on Jerry Jones, given that Jones would not help out Kraft during Deflategate?' Multiple times, Ordway starts looking at and waving his notes and saying / rephrasing - 'I don't see Kraft on the roster - is he playing at linebacker / corner? Is he in the lineup?'. Even with Shank chiming in and backing up Tanguay's notion, Ordway kept at it, not budging an inch, completely ignoring or missing the point they both were making and waving around his notes like that should end the argument in his favor. I think Ordway's just a complete piece of shit at this point in his career.

It got even more uncomfortable a few hours later on that channel when I flipped back to Felger's Comcast Sports Net show. Ron Borges got on Marc 'Beetle' Bertrand because Beetle criticized Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones for not getting back to winning playoff football over the past decade or show, at one point calling Beetle an idiot. Of course, Felger's laughing the whole time, and he didn't even have to instigate that fight. I was hoping for Beetle to knock Borges on his ass and do a bellyflop on him and break a few of his ribs, but I'll just have to tune in later and see if the steel cage match between them becomes reality.

Seriously, what a complete shitshow tonight was on local sports programming...

Mr. October

Shank starts his annual sporadic coverage of the baseball postseason and, as luck would have it, writes a column about the Chicago Cubs and former Red sox general manager Theo Epstein.

Theo Epstein isn’t complaining. His Chicago Cubs just finished their regular season with 97 wins, which hasn’t been topped by any Cubs team since 1945, and the Cubs’ whole season could be over Wednesday night . . . but Theo knows that’s how the playoffs work. He was a little kid in Brookline when the 99-win Red Sox were taken out of the playoffs by a swing of Bucky Dent’s bat back in 1978.

Doesn’t matter. That’s October baseball. And there’s no crying.

Nothing in baseball beats a one-game playoff. That’s what we saw Tuesday night when the Astros beat the Yankees, 3-0, and that’s what we get Wednesday night in Pittsburgh when the Cubs and Pirates — two of the three best teams in baseball — play a single game for the right to move into the Division Round.

Funny Shank Story

I should have posted this in a more timely manner, but I still need to mention it even after this brief passage of time. It sometimes makes me wonder why Shank doesn't do this more often, given that he could tell more of these stories, but then I realize he just loves being a negative asshole.

In any event, Shank was on the Bertrand & Zolak radio show three or four weeks ago about his trip to New Orleans during Super Bowl XXXI when the Patriots were playing the Green Bay Packers. It was the Saturday night before the game, and Shank was with some people on Bourbon Street when a bunch of revelers were bopping around, including one guy dressed up as a clown. The clown goes by Shank & company, takes a few steps, then turns around and yells out - 'Shaughnessy - YOU SUCK!'

Deep Thoughts, By Dan Shaughnessy

Only the Red Sox can finish in last place, AND be overrated simultaneously.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 5, 2015

Tin Foil Hat Securely In Place

I'm not saying Shank's a conspiracy theorist, but sometimes you have to wonder...

Dallas plays New England next week. So, naturally, whole team gets hurt tonight. Tomato cans always fall down in front of Pats.#16-0

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 5, 2015

He Came To Bury Them

As the Red Sox wrap up their 2015 season, Shank expands on his douchebag tweet from yesterday (which one? - ed.) and gives his negativity a full column.

CLEVELAND — In an effort to “close that loop’’ and “make sure we protect ourselves,” Red Sox baseball boss Dave Dombrowski announced Sunday that John Farrell will manage the team next season and that Torey Lovullo has signed a two-year extension to remain as bench coach while forfeiting his right to interview for managerial positions for one year.

Swell. The Sox do not intend to replace the skipper who stepped aside in mid-August to undergo treatment for Stage 1 lymphoma. Meanwhile, the Sox have secured the services of Lovullo, the popular interim manager who was at the helm when the team played better (28-20) over the last six weeks of yet another last-place season. If Farrell at any point is not healthy enough to manage, Lovullo will be present and prepared to take over.

All good.

But what if Farrell is healthy and the Sox get off to another bad start? What if things go sour for a prolonged stretch next season? A number of fans and some voices in the media already have made it clear they believe Lovullo deserves the job. Won’t Lovullo’s presence create a massive distraction?

Looking at the time line of his two tweets on the subject (the first being the announcement of the signings, then the douchebag follow-up tweet posted below), it took him a whopping six minutes to think of the best negative angle available to him. What Shank 'accomplishes' with this column is interject his perpetual negativity into these recent signings and keep people talking about the Red Sox and himself. Mission accomplished.

Doubling Down

Leave it to Shank to put negative spin on today's Red Sox announcement that manager John Farrell and bench coach Torey Lovullo are coming back next year:

Sox must have taken care of Lovullo. He's waived right to pursue manageral jobs for 2 years. Going to be awkward if Sox start slow in 2016

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 4, 2015

Of course Shank has to guess that Lovullo was 'taken care of', since he's persona non grata with the Red Sox.

Fantastic Timing, Shank!

Here's Shank with his most recent column, written yesterday around 12:00 PM:

CLEVELAND — Red Sox manager-on-leave John Farrell is still battling cancer, and interim manager Torey Lovullo is likely to be a hot commodity in a few days.

It is a big bowl of awkward.

The Sox finish their season Sunday at Progressive Field against the Indians. That’s when the managerial firings will start around baseball. That’s when Sox boss Dave Dombrowski might start getting calls from folks who want to interview Lovullo.

Lovullo has been the manager since Farrell went on medical leave to be treated for Stage 1 lymphoma Aug. 14. The Sox were a whopping 13 games under .500 when Lovullo took over and have been one of the top teams in baseball since. ASaturday night’s loss, the Sox were 28-19 under Lovullo.

A mere twenty-four hours later:

CLEVELAND — John Farrell will be back as manager of the Red Sox in 2016, the team announced on Sunday.

Bench coach Torey Lovullo, who has managed the team since Farrell took leave to receive treatment for cancer, agreed to a two-year contract and waived the right to pursue any managerial positions for 2016.

My my, that was... awkward!

The moral to this story - if Shank hadn't nuked his bridges with the Red Sox, he would have known this was coming and could have avoided embarrassing himself once again and providing more fodder for us.

DHL Dan XLVII - Picked Up Pablum

In today's installment of the Picked Up Pieces column, we have confirmation of Shank's bandwagon Patriots columns being complete and insincere bullshit. While the majority of the column is the standard, boilerplate Shank filler to fill his meager monthly quota, the real intent of the column is to pile on the New England Patriots, like that's a shocking revelation. Why else would he repeat this little snippet from a New York gossip column?

■ Thanks to the New York Post, we know that Judge Richard Berman and Bob Kraft had a brief conversation at a large party in the Hamptons a few days after the judge vacated Brady’s suspension.

According to a piece in the Cornell Daily Sun, Berman’s wife teaches at Wellesley College three days a week.

“She said that in Boston, I could become a celebrity,’’ Judge Berman told the student paper. “Or maybe I already am.’’

Judge Berman said that observing the post-verdict reaction of Patriot fans “was a lot of fun.’’

Here’s former NBA commissioner David Stern speaking to Sports Illustrated regarding fanboy Berman: “In a court with one of the busiest dockets in the nation, Judge Berman was dazzled by the headlights of professional sports and crossed into the wrong lane and engaged the federal courts in the intricacies of running a sports league. Where they have no business.’’

I would pose a few questions for our intrepid Boston Globe columnist:

Is there any evidence that Berman is, in fact, a 'fanboy' of the New England Patriots, or is that just poetic license?

Is there any indication that these conversational snippets are anything other than standard 'small talk' that is the norm at 'a large party' and / or that they may have influenced his decision? Or is that insinuation now on the table, regardless?

Did you take issue with any of Berman's legal reasoning? It sure as hell doesn't show here; in fact, it's quite the opposite.

When you're Shank, you pile on public figures. If they were not public figures, the following would be borderline slander:

■ There’s a lengthy profile of Kraft in October’s Boston Magazine. Written by Robert Huber, the theme of the piece is, “Something about Robert Kraft feels . . . off.’’

Big Papi's post-baseball career is revealed:

■ When David Ortiz was asked by the Players Tribune what his dream job would be if not for baseball, Ortiz said, “Porn star.’’ A day after that was revealed, Ortiz got an offer of $100,000 from porn boss Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment.

Speaking of shithead media types:

■ This from the intro of Colin Cowherd’s new book, “Raw’’: “It was nothing short of jaw-dropping to witness the performance of the Boston media during the entire [Deflategate] episode. In one of America’s most educated cities, with perhaps our nation’s richest sports history, local outlets transformed themselves into pom-pom waving, jersey-wearing, fist-pumping superfans . . . It was a hazmat spill of homerism . . . Do we want a media that makes us comfortable by placating and pandering to the dimmest and least discerning?’’

Cowherd recently left ESPN and can now be heard on Fox Sports.

Anyone in the New England area could tell Cowherd the opposite, including listening to Felger & Mazz for any stretch as well as reading certain Shank columns like this one, or these tweets, or this column.

Other than that - great column!

On This Day In DSW History

2014 - Shank takes a world-class shit on the New England Patriots.

So here you go.

The Patriots are free-falling and it’s open season on the arrogant/smarter-than-you “System.” Folks are lining up to skewer the franchise that has consistently given the NFL and the national/local media the finger during a decade and a half of division dominance and Super Bowl contention.

Listening to the postgame fallout from Monday night’s 41-14 Arrowhead massacre made your ears bleed. It was a field day for Patriot haters. And they are legion.

You could tell that folks have been waiting for this.

Including a certain Globe sports columnist!

Curses - Foiled Again!

Three weeks into the Patriots' 2015 season, Shank is predictably declaring them AFC champions and riding his new Curse cliché hard:

Patriots romp while Curse of Deflategate rages on in rest of AFC

FOXBOROUGH — Can we just fast-forward to Feb. 7 in Santa Clara for Super Bowl 50? The Revenge Tour looks like it’s going to roar into Levi’s Stadium where the Patriots will dare Roger Goodell to show up and present another Lombardi Trophy to Bob Kraft.

The Patriots clinched another AFC East title Sunday with a 51-17 blowout of the Jacksonville Jaguars. The non-contest featured another glut of Patriot riches while The Curse of Deflategate raged on in the rest of the AFC. The Deflategate-ratting Ravens lost yet again (now 0-3), the Jets were beaten by the winless Eagles, the Steelers’ Ben Roethlisberger suffered what could be a season-ending injury, and Philip Rivers got hurt and was pulled from a Chargers loss. Looks like Cincinnati’s overmatched Bengals and clueless Marvin Lewis might be the best bet to get crushed at Gillette in the AFC Championship game come January. The Waltz of the Tomato Cans is a marathon dance number that never stops playing on the flagship station of the New England Patriots.

UPDATE AT 9/30/2015, 2:25 PM - Linked to article added; apologies.

Column of Contradictions

"Hope" a word not often found in The CHB's vocabulary, and when it does make one of its rare appearances, it's typically delivered in snide fashion. Which is why today's column is a treat -- ostensibly on the increasing odds of the Red Sox improving in 2016 but in fact a true column of contradictions in which The CHB even manages to refute himself in a single paragraph.

With that, on with the show:

Contradiction 1. "[U]nlike last year, the Hub’s hardball high hopes might be rooted in reality rather than ball club propaganda and wishful thinking."

Compare that to April 3, when The CHB's pick to win the AL East was none other than the Orioles saying, "Why does everyone think the Red Sox made up 25 games on these guys?" Which came just a few months after he wrote that the Red Sox should be applauded for spending money.

Those Orioles, by the way, are same team the Red Sox beat three games straight this weekend while allowing ZERO runs, and which the Sox are now in position to relegate to the cellar.

Contradiction 2. "Despite the shattered dreams and yet another lost summer of meaningless games, the Red Sox have managed to make changes and showcase skills that generate legitimate hope for 2016."

What changes, exactly, have they made? A bunch of front office hires who have yet to put their imprint on the team. The other "changes" were made for them: John Farrell started cancer treatment, Pablo Sandoval and Hanley Ramirez hit the DL, allowing the Sox the convenience of replacing them with better players (Sandoval and Ramirez had a combined WAR of -2.0 this season). What's really happening is that the Sox are at least playing to their level of ability; it just came too late to make a race of it.

Contradiction 3. "New boss Dave Dombrowski is an old-school baseball guy who’s got prospects, cash, and vision. Now all he has to do is rebuild a terrible pitching staff."

Yet in May and in August this year, The CHB called those same prospects "universally overrated" and "over-valued."

Miley, Porcello and Kelly combined for 4.7 wins above replacement this year. Not great, but hardly "terrible." Buchholz, the guy who wasn't a No. 1 in Shank's eyes, was on a All Star caliber pace (2.7 WAR in 113 innings) before getting hurt. In truth, the starters were decent if occasionally erratic. The bullpen dragged everyone else down.

Contradiction 4. Again on April 3, The CHB predicted the Red Sox would make the wild card this season. If the Sox were so overrated -- "ball club propaganda and wishful thinking" is how he now describes them, why did he pick them for the playoffs?

Contradiction 5. Will Dave Dombrowski trade "some of the coveted prospects who were always overprotected in the slow-moving Cherington regime"? That slow-moving regime produced two outstanding players in Betts and Boegarts (the latter of whom is having one of the six best seasons for a 22 year old shortstop in major league history)

Contradiction 6. "We don’t have enough space here to address the Hanley/Pablo problem."

In October and again in November of 2014, The CHB insisted the Red Sox sign Sandoval. "The Red Sox can’t sign Pablo Sandoval fast enough," he wrote. (For the record, we argued against it.) Sandoval was flat-out awful. Against all odds, Ramirez was even worse. Yet The CHB called his signing a "boffo day." John Henry and Bill James are looking smarter and smarter.

Contradiction 7. All these changes will "undoubtedly vault the Sox back into contender status with media outlets and in Vegas." Besides the O's and Sox, here are the rest of The CHB's picks for the rest of the MLB playoffs were the Tigers, Angels, Indians (wild card), Nationals, Cubs, Dodgers, Giants (wild card), Pirates (wild card), with the Nationals over the O's in the World Series.

How did that compare to the Vegas preseason favorites? In order by division, they were: Red Sox, Tigers, Angels, Mariners (WC), Athletics (WC), Nationals, Cardinals, Dodgers, Cubs (WC), Padres (WC).

So not only did Vegas match The CHB with three correct picks each, but Shank did no better in forecasting the World Series participants. So much for old school.

Sunday Patriots Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Here's Shank, beating a dead horse:

Pats win toss. Defer. Anybody examined how often Pats win toss? I smell scandal.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 27, 2015

We already ran the numbers for you; do try to keep up!

Here, a pasty-white Irishman with curly hair makes fun of other people's physical appearance / stature:

This game is such a layup, Kraftshave abandoned high-chairs. Bob and Jon at eye--level with others in box.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 27, 2015

Did he start early today?

Here comes the Pats' patented double score

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 27, 2015

Whatever that's supposed to mean...

Tongue-in-cheek humor or mathematically challenged? You make the call!

With Jets loss to Philly, Pats can clinch AFC East today

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 27, 2015

Quality Trolling, By Dan Shaughnessy

It seems the folks at the Indianapolis Star noticed Shank's most recent column.

The Curse of a Quick Buck

You had to know it was coming. The CHB now wants everyone to know that those who dare question the Patriots will be met with quick and debilitating misfortune.

It's his favorite literary cliche: The Curse! All the teams that blew the whistle on the Pats over the Deflategate are now 0-2.

It's silly and pointless. Like just The CHB.

Nothing better to write for a Wednesday, I guess.

Another Meme Revived

Shank continues to lead the Patriots bandwagon (for now) by a) setting up high expectations for the team so he can pound on them if / when they lose, and b) attributing their path to winning to unnamed, mysterious forces that assist the Patriots whenever possible. While he's wise to not explicitly name anyone or anything, it reeks of tin-foil hat conspiracy theorists that pin the world's ills on the Bilderbergers, the Illumnati, the Rothschilds and / or Area 51 types.

And now that meme lives again. Here's Shank on January 3, 2015:

As NFL playoffs begin, remember: whatever makes the path easier for the Patriots is what will happen.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 3, 2015

And here's Shank yesterday:

Same old story. No romo/des vs.patsweek 5. Whatever is easiest 4 pats will happen

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 20, 2015

Is it safe to assume that Shank owns stock in Alcoa and gets some of his dividend checks in the form of 100 yard rolls of Reynolds aluminum foil?

Frontrunning / Bandwagon Dan 2015

Another pretend 'I Love The Patriots!' column by the Globe's resident weathervane.

Now they take their show on the road. It’ll be different for the Patriots.

Four hundred and fifty miles from the Safe House of Gillette, far from the Hub’s radio signal where daily four-hour shows are devoted to protecting the Patriots and destroying New England’s horde of enemies, the Patriots Sunday will play their first road game since haters punctured the Patriot narrative after the AFC Championship game. They play the Buffalo Bills in Orchard Park, N.Y., at 1 p.m. Sunday.

We know that folks in western New York will arrive at the stadium singing songs and carrying signs designed to mock the Patriots as cheaters. We know that “all sports inflating pumps’’ are a prominently featured item in the Bills Team Store. We know that the vaunted “Bills Mafia” is ready to take a torch to the Patriots and their legacy. We know that the Bills are better than they’ve been in a while and blowhard coach Rex Ryan is versed in how to attack Tom Brady.

Naturally, expect more of this tone from Shank until it becomes convenient for him to jump off the bandwagon.