Fisk and Shits

Quick: Do you remember where you were on this date 40 years ago?

The correct answers are "of course not" and "who cares."

As it turns out, it was 40 years ago today that Carlton Fisk hit the 12-inning homer to beat the Reds in the 1975 World Series. It was Game 6 before there was "Game 6."*

And that's what The CHB wants to tell us about.

Here's the problem: Fisk's moment was transcendent. The date doesn't matter. It's an iconic moment, not in baseball history, not in New England history, but in SPORTS history. For years it was part of opening sequence to the NBC Game of the Week, and the Bat in the Night is part of a display in Cooperstown.

What's more, everyone and their dog is trotting out pieces on it this week. Even The Boston Globe Magazine beat Shank to the punch.

Oh, the problems with the piece are rampant. The CHB says Fred Lynn was the "best center fielder we’d see until Jackie Bradley Jr. came around." Not even close. Coco Crisp -- the prototype for JBJ -- was twice the defensive CF that Fragile Freddy was. Even Rick Miller, Lynn's contemporary, was a superior OF.

He calls Luis Tiant the "best best big-game pitcher we would ever see." El Tiante had a 2.86 ERA and 20 strikeouts in 34 post-season innings. Jon Lester has a 2.85 ERA and 87 K's in 98 innings -- in a higher octane offensive era. (Perhaps Shank keeps his eyes closed when Lester is on the mound.)

All in all, Shaughnessy's homage is familiar in tone and content to Clark Booth's writeup from 2004.
Fisk's home run is memorable. The CHB's hasty, crappy memory of it, not so much.

*Screw you, Buckner!

Milking It, By Dan Shaughnessy

Flipping channels after seeing the Kansas City Royals killing the Toronto Blue Jays, 9-2 in the seventh inning, I spot Shank on the Early Edition of the local cable channel Comcast Sports Net New England. The subject of Shank's appearance? A rehashing of yesterdays column. Quelle surprise!

No heavy lifting, and an appearance fee. The only thing missing was a free meal somewhere. Great day for Shank!

And Why Shouldn't He?

A lazy, lethargic Boston Globe sports columnist takes nearly a full day to deliver his take on last night's Patriots / Colts game. The entirety of Shank's column is so chock full of lies, bullshit and borderline slander that the only effective remedy is for this blogger to deliver the required Fisking of the column in its entirety, or close to it.

Angry Tom Brady is force to be reckoned with

Once again after the Patriots’ 34-27 victory Sunday night in Indianapolis, Tom Brady was quick to brush aside the media.

By Dan Shaughnessy Globe Staff October 20, 2015

Tom Brady is an angry man. This is probably a good thing for the Patriots and Patriot fans.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. Brady is captain of the Revenge Tour and he no longer cares about hurting anybody’s feelings. He’s not going to go out of his way to help, or be nice to folks who weren’t nice to him after the air was taken out of the balls last season. After Sunday’s 34-27 win in Indianapolis, Brady blew off NBC’s Michele Tafoya, then issued three terse answers when asked about keeping a souvenir football or two.

Please explain the rationale for being nice to a group of people who, on a collective basis, called you a cheater or worse and doubted your integrity for the past nine months, Mr. Shaughnessy. Naturally, that rationale is not provided here.

Q: “Did you keep the football after the game, and if so, I was curious what that meant to you and what make you want to keep that football?”

A: “I didn’t keep it.’’

Q: “I saw you kept two balls for a keepsake, one after LeGarrette Blount’s touchdown run, and then at the end of the game you put the football in your helmet. Why two footballs? Are you giving it to somebody else?”
A: “I didn’t keep them.’’

Q: “Are they going to somebody else?”

A: “I don’t know.’’

Deflate that.

Whatever that's supposed to mean!

But wait - it gets better:

Brady has been brief and joyless in his mandated weekly and postgame sessions with folks who cover the Patriots. He is doing the minimum and nothing more. He will take a few questions, move his lips, then wrap up abruptly with, “Thanks, guys.’’

Any reason why this might be the case, Einstein?

It doesn’t matter, of course. All that matters is what Brady does on the field and the results are thus far unimpeachable. Brady no longer has Randy Moss or a veteran line, but he is more precise than ever. He has one interception in five games and that was a ball that bounced off Julian Edelman. Not Tom’s fault.

Brady was clearly angry at the end of the game. A lot of that anger comes from his insistence on perfection.

You're sure about that?

He can’t stand leaving points on the field. He knows that the Patriots’ offense could not shut the door Sunday night. They could not put the game away the way they wanted. Like coach Bill Belichick, Brady wants to finish strong every week. When he doesn’t finish strong, he’s angry.

The most telling statement he made to the local media last week was an acknowledgment that “I’m human.’’

He’s human and the fallout from Deflategate has made him angry. After the AFC Championship game, Brady was hung out to dry by just about everyone except his dad.

And including a certain Boston Globe sports columnist! Eager to keep the fires of DeflateGate burning, in an impressive display of passive / aggressive behavior, Shank goes on:

First his coach said, “Ask Tom.’’

Shot at coach Belichick? check.

Then his owner, ever hungry to keep his seat at the NFL’s Big Boy table, played footsie with the Commish and the other owners and accepted the largest punishment in the history of the league. This made it open season on Tom, his legacy, his honor.

Except that this 'open season' on Tom Brady by the NFL league office exceeded / violated their own rules on this sort of thing.

Then it was leaked that Brady destroyed his cellphone on the day he was called to testify before Ted Wells.

It's of questionable legal or NFL precedent / requirement whether Brady was required to turn that data or phone over to Ted Wells. This is just further evidence into Shanks lack of knowledge of the situation.

When the starry-eyed judge ultimately lifted Brady’s suspension, the haters (a.k.a “realists”) were quick to remind everyone that Brady was not cleared of guilt as much as he was allowed back on the field because of the bungled procedures by the league.

So we're supposed to believe that the NFL's appeals process, clearly lacking in the due process department and clearly stated as such by Federal judge Berman, was overturned on a mere technicality?

Tom is human so he’s no doubt wounded that so many were quick to brand him as a liar and a cheater. Longtime Patriot watchers know that Brady’s greatness and his honors are owed to talent, hard work, and a magical coach-player relationship unseen since Messrs. Auerbach and Russell ruled the basketball world.

We don’t really know Tom.

Jesus H. Christ, where have we heard this disingenuous tripe before?

But we have seen him grow and mature in his 16 seasons in Foxboro. We have seen him cultivate and polish an image as a man of wealth and taste. We have seen him marry a woman more wealthy and famous than himself. We have seen him applaud one president at a State of the Union address, then snub another president when the Patriots were invited to the White House. We have seen him demonstrate more emotion and anger on the sideline.

Meanwhile, we are hearing him say less in almost every public forum.

This year, he’s done a couple of friendly sitdowns with former Patriot quarterback Scott Zolak on “Patriots All Access”, but that’s about it as far as television goes. On the radio side, Brady’s remained loyal to WEEI’s “The Dennis & Callahan Show,” which promises to feature Tom again Tuesday at 9 a.m.

Again, why should he appear on hostile media shows after the beating he's taken over the past nine months? Inquiring minds might need that answer.

Is this misdirection?

Last week’s Brady segment on WEEI was revealing, and at times, disturbing. Brady was neither terse nor angry. When effectively cornered by host Kirk Minihane regarding Brady’s disgraced training guru Alex Guerrero, Brady spoke passionately and at great length. Brady correctly reminded us that his good health and great play is the best advertisement for Guerrero’s alternative methods, but also sounded like a man who has come under the spell of manipulative forces. There was a Tim Thomas/Tom Cruise level of discovery in that interview that made some of us wonder who’s pulling the strings behind Brady’s iron curtain.

Brady’s personal health choices are his and his alone, and worthy of great respect, but he gets into a dangerous area when he promotes his body coach/business partner with statements such as, “What I want to provide to athletes — so much of it is being pro-active — not wanting to get sick, not wanting to get injured. Lifestyle choices are very important to your health and wellness.’’

It appears to the casual observer that Brady has done just fine in this department as it concerns personal health. But hey, Shank's just asking the question!

Swell. But there’s a hint of blaming victims in all this. Let’s not suggest that everyone who gets cancer or a concussed could have prevented it with better eating habits. Please don’t try telling us that “when you get hit the head,’’ you should ask yourself, “What have you done previously to try to prevent those things?’’

Brady is taunting the sports god when he suggest that avoiding NFL injuries is a “lifestyle choice.’’ What’s the magic potion that saves any quarterback from the Bernard Pollard hit?

This is disingenuous in the extreme - you need to read into that and draw false conclusions to conclude otherwise. From this standpoint, Tom Brady has taken care of himself physically and, aside from that Bernard Pollard hit, has largely avoided serious injury. This blogger is pretty sure this angle is not subject to debate.

But by all means, let's bring up something from thirty fucking years ago!

Something tells me that the Patriots hierarchy is not pleased that Guerrero is traveling with the team and working with multiple players. It reminds me of a situation with Celtic scorer Scott Wedman and his personal trainer when the C’s played the Lakers in the epic 1984 NBA Finals. Wedman’s guy, Steve Krischel, was banned from the locker room after he worked on Robert Parish’s shoulder. (”I thought the guy was a plumber,’’ said Celtic trainer Ray Melchiorre.)

That’s not going to happen to Guerrero. The Patriots are going to let Brady do anything he wants. He’s the ticket to Super Bowl 50.

Tom can say whatever he wants. Or say nothing.

Terse or talkative, an angry Tom Brady is good for the business of winning another Super Bowl.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXVI

Stop me if you've heard this one before - the Boston Globe announced some layoffs:

The Boston Globe on Thursday underwent a staff reduction for the second year running as the newspaper seeks to cut costs and deploy more resources toward its digital efforts.

According to multiple sources at The Globe, at least 10 employees are being laid off, with more than a dozen staffers accepting buyouts.

In an email, Boston Globe Editor Brian McGrory said the newspaper had “nothing to announce at the moment.”

The layoffs, which have been anticipated by Globe staffers for some time, come several months after the Globe announced a buyout program seeking volunteers to trim headcount at the newspaper.

At the end of July, McGrory said in a note to staffers that the newspaper was seeking to streamline its copy desk and alter its Web production, layout and design processes.

“It will mean that most stories will get fewer reads, placing more responsibility on reporters and line editors to make sure they’re in good shape,” McGrory wrote. “It means that rather than a copy desk, we will have a multiplatform production desk where stories are copy edited, posted on line, perhaps placed in the social stream, and later set on pages for print.”

In other words, get ready for more screw-ups.

At least we'll have Shank to kick around some more!

Twitter Trolling

Shank's gonna have to step up his game if he's trying to antagonize everybody in Indianapolis:

Lot of confidence in pats winning in a blowout Sunday. Too much?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 15, 2015

Living Someone Else's Dream

The CHB hates the basement dwelling stat boys, who have ruined baseball for the "real" fans. So what does he do but pen a loving soliloquy to Daniel Okrent, one of the fellows who cooked up (get it?) the idea for Rotisserie baseball, aka fantasy sports.

Unfortunately for The CHB, the idea to write on Okrent has been done many times, not of leat of which by Okrent himself.

Indeed, the money quote from Okrent that The CHB uses is, in fact, the same quote used in a piece on Mr. Fantasy in The New Yorker in April: "I feel like J. Robert Oppenheimer, having invented the atomic bomb." And it shows up again in a piece in 2011. If that's not enough, here's a video of Okrent himself making -- yes he does -- the exact same comment, and referring to how he's been dropping it for more than 20 years!

This is an old, old story. Okrent published a column about it in SI more than 30 years ago. Two of Okrent's cofounders then wrote a book on, titled, appropriately, Rotisserie League Baseball. 

If that weren't enough, the Washington Post also did a column on this earlier this year.

If one were to read The New Yorker column, one would think perhaps Shank borrowed from it a bit too, shall we say, liberally? From how he came up with the idea "on a flight from Hartford to Austin," to how it was nurtured from infancy to a full-fledged industry, to the potential impact of the gambling sites on the real games, there's a lot of similarities here (The New Yorker's piece is much more extensive and well-researched, unsurprisingly).

We are used to The CHB plagiarizing himself ad nauseam. Now he's really pushing the publishing boundaries.

Plenty of Mileage in Pats Payback Meme

There's always a theme, regardless of how contrived it is.

For the Red Sox, it was the Curse of the Bambino. Then it was the Carpetbaggers (when John Henry beat out the local favorites to buy the team.) From there it became the Sons of Bill James, in reference to the use of -- gasp! -- data to aid decision making.

For the Patriots, the latest contrivance is the Patriot Revenge Tour, and the myth The CHB is pushing today is built on the notion that the teams the Patriots are facing/demolishing were all somehow involved in the Deflategate conspiracy.

Of course, this runs completely counter to the Bill Belichickian approach that each game, nay, each series is simply about executing perfectly, no matter the opposition.

Furthermore, it ignores the fact that Shank himself was convinced the Patriots had cheated.

No worries. He'll get plenty of mileage out of this latest made-up motto. Indeed, in pure Shankesque fashion, he already has.

It's News To Him?

Catching up on recent events (or the past decade), Shank does his formulaic weekly Sunday football column.

IRVING, Texas — When American Airlines Flight 1583 from Boston touched down in the Texas prairie Friday morning, a flight attendant welcomed the passengers to Dallas/Fort Worth, thanked us for flying American, then said, “Go Patriots!’’ and played “Dirty Water” over the speaker system.

Just about everyone on board roared in approval. A sprinkling of fans in Cowboys garb slinked into their seats and said nothing.

“How ’bout them Patriots?!’’

The axis of power has shifted dramatically in NFL America. There was a time when the Cowboys were America’s Team, God’s Team, the North Dallas Forty, and perennial Super Bowl contenders. They had the iconic Lone Star logo. Their owner was a caricature of new money and old ego. The Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders were subjects of books and a television movie. The Cowboys were the gold standard in the NFL; the ultimate brand in America’s new national pastime. The Cowboys were pro football’s Yankees. You either loved them or you hated them. No one was neutral.

He Won't Complain About The Barbecue

...but he'll bitch about the lack of amenities:

Folks in Arlington, Texas, predict gridlock Sunday --- Cowboys (Pats) and Rangers (playoff game) both home, no public transportation. Sweet

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 10, 2015

I Felt The Same Way

Do you remember this column, faithful readers? I watched tonight's episode of Comcast Sports Net's 'The Early Show', hosted by Gary Tanguay, and I had a painful reminder of what an obnoxious, stubborn, obtuse asshole Glenn Ordway has become since his days with Johnny Most doing Celtics games. I simply could not bear to listen to this fucking carnival barker on WEEI's 'The Big Show' because Ordway has an overly loud mouth, to the point I found it borderline unprofessional, even for sports talk shows. I used to tune into that miserable excuse for sports commentary when Ordway would simply START FUCKING SCREAMING OVER HIS CALLERS - YEEEEARGH! within a minute or two of myself tuning in, just to win the argument over said caller. I'd rather do acupuncture to myself with rusty nails.

Apparently, this old dog cannot learn new tricks:

@Dan_Shaughnessy literally looks like he is being tortured sitting next 2 @GlennDOrdway on @CSNNE. Wheres the checkbook Dan? #ImContributing

— Kevin M Flanagan (@KevinMFlanagan) October 7, 2015

I just happened to tune in tonight when this was happening, and I had a baaad flashback. Right on fucking cue, Ordway starts raising his voice multiple times when Tanguay was saying something, and the tweeter Kevin Flanagan was dead on with this comment, as Shank was pretty uncomfortable during those segments when he was on with Ordway. Hope the check clears, Shank!

I mention 'obtuse' for this reason - Tanguay brought up the upcoming Patriots / Cowboys game, and he asked (paraphrasing) - 'Is this game a measure of revenge for Robert Kraft on Jerry Jones, given that Jones would not help out Kraft during Deflategate?' Multiple times, Ordway starts looking at and waving his notes and saying / rephrasing - 'I don't see Kraft on the roster - is he playing at linebacker / corner? Is he in the lineup?'. Even with Shank chiming in and backing up Tanguay's notion, Ordway kept at it, not budging an inch, completely ignoring or missing the point they both were making and waving around his notes like that should end the argument in his favor. I think Ordway's just a complete piece of shit at this point in his career.

It got even more uncomfortable a few hours later on that channel when I flipped back to Felger's Comcast Sports Net show. Ron Borges got on Marc 'Beetle' Bertrand because Beetle criticized Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones for not getting back to winning playoff football over the past decade or show, at one point calling Beetle an idiot. Of course, Felger's laughing the whole time, and he didn't even have to instigate that fight. I was hoping for Beetle to knock Borges on his ass and do a bellyflop on him and break a few of his ribs, but I'll just have to tune in later and see if the steel cage match between them becomes reality.

Seriously, what a complete shitshow tonight was on local sports programming...

Mr. October

Shank starts his annual sporadic coverage of the baseball postseason and, as luck would have it, writes a column about the Chicago Cubs and former Red sox general manager Theo Epstein.

Theo Epstein isn’t complaining. His Chicago Cubs just finished their regular season with 97 wins, which hasn’t been topped by any Cubs team since 1945, and the Cubs’ whole season could be over Wednesday night . . . but Theo knows that’s how the playoffs work. He was a little kid in Brookline when the 99-win Red Sox were taken out of the playoffs by a swing of Bucky Dent’s bat back in 1978.

Doesn’t matter. That’s October baseball. And there’s no crying.

Nothing in baseball beats a one-game playoff. That’s what we saw Tuesday night when the Astros beat the Yankees, 3-0, and that’s what we get Wednesday night in Pittsburgh when the Cubs and Pirates — two of the three best teams in baseball — play a single game for the right to move into the Division Round.

Funny Shank Story

I should have posted this in a more timely manner, but I still need to mention it even after this brief passage of time. It sometimes makes me wonder why Shank doesn't do this more often, given that he could tell more of these stories, but then I realize he just loves being a negative asshole.

In any event, Shank was on the Bertrand & Zolak radio show three or four weeks ago about his trip to New Orleans during Super Bowl XXXI when the Patriots were playing the Green Bay Packers. It was the Saturday night before the game, and Shank was with some people on Bourbon Street when a bunch of revelers were bopping around, including one guy dressed up as a clown. The clown goes by Shank & company, takes a few steps, then turns around and yells out - 'Shaughnessy - YOU SUCK!'

Deep Thoughts, By Dan Shaughnessy

Only the Red Sox can finish in last place, AND be overrated simultaneously.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 5, 2015

Tin Foil Hat Securely In Place

I'm not saying Shank's a conspiracy theorist, but sometimes you have to wonder...

Dallas plays New England next week. So, naturally, whole team gets hurt tonight. Tomato cans always fall down in front of Pats.#16-0

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 5, 2015

He Came To Bury Them

As the Red Sox wrap up their 2015 season, Shank expands on his douchebag tweet from yesterday (which one? - ed.) and gives his negativity a full column.

CLEVELAND — In an effort to “close that loop’’ and “make sure we protect ourselves,” Red Sox baseball boss Dave Dombrowski announced Sunday that John Farrell will manage the team next season and that Torey Lovullo has signed a two-year extension to remain as bench coach while forfeiting his right to interview for managerial positions for one year.

Swell. The Sox do not intend to replace the skipper who stepped aside in mid-August to undergo treatment for Stage 1 lymphoma. Meanwhile, the Sox have secured the services of Lovullo, the popular interim manager who was at the helm when the team played better (28-20) over the last six weeks of yet another last-place season. If Farrell at any point is not healthy enough to manage, Lovullo will be present and prepared to take over.

All good.

But what if Farrell is healthy and the Sox get off to another bad start? What if things go sour for a prolonged stretch next season? A number of fans and some voices in the media already have made it clear they believe Lovullo deserves the job. Won’t Lovullo’s presence create a massive distraction?

Looking at the time line of his two tweets on the subject (the first being the announcement of the signings, then the douchebag follow-up tweet posted below), it took him a whopping six minutes to think of the best negative angle available to him. What Shank 'accomplishes' with this column is interject his perpetual negativity into these recent signings and keep people talking about the Red Sox and himself. Mission accomplished.

Doubling Down

Leave it to Shank to put negative spin on today's Red Sox announcement that manager John Farrell and bench coach Torey Lovullo are coming back next year:

Sox must have taken care of Lovullo. He's waived right to pursue manageral jobs for 2 years. Going to be awkward if Sox start slow in 2016

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 4, 2015

Of course Shank has to guess that Lovullo was 'taken care of', since he's persona non grata with the Red Sox.

Fantastic Timing, Shank!

Here's Shank with his most recent column, written yesterday around 12:00 PM:

CLEVELAND — Red Sox manager-on-leave John Farrell is still battling cancer, and interim manager Torey Lovullo is likely to be a hot commodity in a few days.

It is a big bowl of awkward.

The Sox finish their season Sunday at Progressive Field against the Indians. That’s when the managerial firings will start around baseball. That’s when Sox boss Dave Dombrowski might start getting calls from folks who want to interview Lovullo.

Lovullo has been the manager since Farrell went on medical leave to be treated for Stage 1 lymphoma Aug. 14. The Sox were a whopping 13 games under .500 when Lovullo took over and have been one of the top teams in baseball since. ASaturday night’s loss, the Sox were 28-19 under Lovullo.

A mere twenty-four hours later:

CLEVELAND — John Farrell will be back as manager of the Red Sox in 2016, the team announced on Sunday.

Bench coach Torey Lovullo, who has managed the team since Farrell took leave to receive treatment for cancer, agreed to a two-year contract and waived the right to pursue any managerial positions for 2016.

My my, that was... awkward!

The moral to this story - if Shank hadn't nuked his bridges with the Red Sox, he would have known this was coming and could have avoided embarrassing himself once again and providing more fodder for us.

DHL Dan XLVII - Picked Up Pablum

In today's installment of the Picked Up Pieces column, we have confirmation of Shank's bandwagon Patriots columns being complete and insincere bullshit. While the majority of the column is the standard, boilerplate Shank filler to fill his meager monthly quota, the real intent of the column is to pile on the New England Patriots, like that's a shocking revelation. Why else would he repeat this little snippet from a New York gossip column?

■ Thanks to the New York Post, we know that Judge Richard Berman and Bob Kraft had a brief conversation at a large party in the Hamptons a few days after the judge vacated Brady’s suspension.

According to a piece in the Cornell Daily Sun, Berman’s wife teaches at Wellesley College three days a week.

“She said that in Boston, I could become a celebrity,’’ Judge Berman told the student paper. “Or maybe I already am.’’

Judge Berman said that observing the post-verdict reaction of Patriot fans “was a lot of fun.’’

Here’s former NBA commissioner David Stern speaking to Sports Illustrated regarding fanboy Berman: “In a court with one of the busiest dockets in the nation, Judge Berman was dazzled by the headlights of professional sports and crossed into the wrong lane and engaged the federal courts in the intricacies of running a sports league. Where they have no business.’’

I would pose a few questions for our intrepid Boston Globe columnist:

Is there any evidence that Berman is, in fact, a 'fanboy' of the New England Patriots, or is that just poetic license?

Is there any indication that these conversational snippets are anything other than standard 'small talk' that is the norm at 'a large party' and / or that they may have influenced his decision? Or is that insinuation now on the table, regardless?

Did you take issue with any of Berman's legal reasoning? It sure as hell doesn't show here; in fact, it's quite the opposite.

When you're Shank, you pile on public figures. If they were not public figures, the following would be borderline slander:

■ There’s a lengthy profile of Kraft in October’s Boston Magazine. Written by Robert Huber, the theme of the piece is, “Something about Robert Kraft feels . . . off.’’

Big Papi's post-baseball career is revealed:

■ When David Ortiz was asked by the Players Tribune what his dream job would be if not for baseball, Ortiz said, “Porn star.’’ A day after that was revealed, Ortiz got an offer of $100,000 from porn boss Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment.

Speaking of shithead media types:

■ This from the intro of Colin Cowherd’s new book, “Raw’’: “It was nothing short of jaw-dropping to witness the performance of the Boston media during the entire [Deflategate] episode. In one of America’s most educated cities, with perhaps our nation’s richest sports history, local outlets transformed themselves into pom-pom waving, jersey-wearing, fist-pumping superfans . . . It was a hazmat spill of homerism . . . Do we want a media that makes us comfortable by placating and pandering to the dimmest and least discerning?’’

Cowherd recently left ESPN and can now be heard on Fox Sports.

Anyone in the New England area could tell Cowherd the opposite, including listening to Felger & Mazz for any stretch as well as reading certain Shank columns like this one, or these tweets, or this column.

Other than that - great column!

On This Day In DSW History

2014 - Shank takes a world-class shit on the New England Patriots.

So here you go.

The Patriots are free-falling and it’s open season on the arrogant/smarter-than-you “System.” Folks are lining up to skewer the franchise that has consistently given the NFL and the national/local media the finger during a decade and a half of division dominance and Super Bowl contention.

Listening to the postgame fallout from Monday night’s 41-14 Arrowhead massacre made your ears bleed. It was a field day for Patriot haters. And they are legion.

You could tell that folks have been waiting for this.

Including a certain Globe sports columnist!

Curses - Foiled Again!

Three weeks into the Patriots' 2015 season, Shank is predictably declaring them AFC champions and riding his new Curse cliché hard:

Patriots romp while Curse of Deflategate rages on in rest of AFC

FOXBOROUGH — Can we just fast-forward to Feb. 7 in Santa Clara for Super Bowl 50? The Revenge Tour looks like it’s going to roar into Levi’s Stadium where the Patriots will dare Roger Goodell to show up and present another Lombardi Trophy to Bob Kraft.

The Patriots clinched another AFC East title Sunday with a 51-17 blowout of the Jacksonville Jaguars. The non-contest featured another glut of Patriot riches while The Curse of Deflategate raged on in the rest of the AFC. The Deflategate-ratting Ravens lost yet again (now 0-3), the Jets were beaten by the winless Eagles, the Steelers’ Ben Roethlisberger suffered what could be a season-ending injury, and Philip Rivers got hurt and was pulled from a Chargers loss. Looks like Cincinnati’s overmatched Bengals and clueless Marvin Lewis might be the best bet to get crushed at Gillette in the AFC Championship game come January. The Waltz of the Tomato Cans is a marathon dance number that never stops playing on the flagship station of the New England Patriots.

UPDATE AT 9/30/2015, 2:25 PM - Linked to article added; apologies.

Column of Contradictions

"Hope" a word not often found in The CHB's vocabulary, and when it does make one of its rare appearances, it's typically delivered in snide fashion. Which is why today's column is a treat -- ostensibly on the increasing odds of the Red Sox improving in 2016 but in fact a true column of contradictions in which The CHB even manages to refute himself in a single paragraph.

With that, on with the show:

Contradiction 1. "[U]nlike last year, the Hub’s hardball high hopes might be rooted in reality rather than ball club propaganda and wishful thinking."

Compare that to April 3, when The CHB's pick to win the AL East was none other than the Orioles saying, "Why does everyone think the Red Sox made up 25 games on these guys?" Which came just a few months after he wrote that the Red Sox should be applauded for spending money.

Those Orioles, by the way, are same team the Red Sox beat three games straight this weekend while allowing ZERO runs, and which the Sox are now in position to relegate to the cellar.

Contradiction 2. "Despite the shattered dreams and yet another lost summer of meaningless games, the Red Sox have managed to make changes and showcase skills that generate legitimate hope for 2016."

What changes, exactly, have they made? A bunch of front office hires who have yet to put their imprint on the team. The other "changes" were made for them: John Farrell started cancer treatment, Pablo Sandoval and Hanley Ramirez hit the DL, allowing the Sox the convenience of replacing them with better players (Sandoval and Ramirez had a combined WAR of -2.0 this season). What's really happening is that the Sox are at least playing to their level of ability; it just came too late to make a race of it.

Contradiction 3. "New boss Dave Dombrowski is an old-school baseball guy who’s got prospects, cash, and vision. Now all he has to do is rebuild a terrible pitching staff."

Yet in May and in August this year, The CHB called those same prospects "universally overrated" and "over-valued."

Miley, Porcello and Kelly combined for 4.7 wins above replacement this year. Not great, but hardly "terrible." Buchholz, the guy who wasn't a No. 1 in Shank's eyes, was on a All Star caliber pace (2.7 WAR in 113 innings) before getting hurt. In truth, the starters were decent if occasionally erratic. The bullpen dragged everyone else down.

Contradiction 4. Again on April 3, The CHB predicted the Red Sox would make the wild card this season. If the Sox were so overrated -- "ball club propaganda and wishful thinking" is how he now describes them, why did he pick them for the playoffs?

Contradiction 5. Will Dave Dombrowski trade "some of the coveted prospects who were always overprotected in the slow-moving Cherington regime"? That slow-moving regime produced two outstanding players in Betts and Boegarts (the latter of whom is having one of the six best seasons for a 22 year old shortstop in major league history)

Contradiction 6. "We don’t have enough space here to address the Hanley/Pablo problem."

In October and again in November of 2014, The CHB insisted the Red Sox sign Sandoval. "The Red Sox can’t sign Pablo Sandoval fast enough," he wrote. (For the record, we argued against it.) Sandoval was flat-out awful. Against all odds, Ramirez was even worse. Yet The CHB called his signing a "boffo day." John Henry and Bill James are looking smarter and smarter.

Contradiction 7. All these changes will "undoubtedly vault the Sox back into contender status with media outlets and in Vegas." Besides the O's and Sox, here are the rest of The CHB's picks for the rest of the MLB playoffs were the Tigers, Angels, Indians (wild card), Nationals, Cubs, Dodgers, Giants (wild card), Pirates (wild card), with the Nationals over the O's in the World Series.

How did that compare to the Vegas preseason favorites? In order by division, they were: Red Sox, Tigers, Angels, Mariners (WC), Athletics (WC), Nationals, Cardinals, Dodgers, Cubs (WC), Padres (WC).

So not only did Vegas match The CHB with three correct picks each, but Shank did no better in forecasting the World Series participants. So much for old school.

Sunday Patriots Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Here's Shank, beating a dead horse:

Pats win toss. Defer. Anybody examined how often Pats win toss? I smell scandal.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 27, 2015

We already ran the numbers for you; do try to keep up!

Here, a pasty-white Irishman with curly hair makes fun of other people's physical appearance / stature:

This game is such a layup, Kraftshave abandoned high-chairs. Bob and Jon at eye--level with others in box.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 27, 2015

Did he start early today?

Here comes the Pats' patented double score

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 27, 2015

Whatever that's supposed to mean...

Tongue-in-cheek humor or mathematically challenged? You make the call!

With Jets loss to Philly, Pats can clinch AFC East today

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 27, 2015

Quality Trolling, By Dan Shaughnessy

It seems the folks at the Indianapolis Star noticed Shank's most recent column.

The Curse of a Quick Buck

You had to know it was coming. The CHB now wants everyone to know that those who dare question the Patriots will be met with quick and debilitating misfortune.

It's his favorite literary cliche: The Curse! All the teams that blew the whistle on the Pats over the Deflategate are now 0-2.

It's silly and pointless. Like just The CHB.

Nothing better to write for a Wednesday, I guess.

Another Meme Revived

Shank continues to lead the Patriots bandwagon (for now) by a) setting up high expectations for the team so he can pound on them if / when they lose, and b) attributing their path to winning to unnamed, mysterious forces that assist the Patriots whenever possible. While he's wise to not explicitly name anyone or anything, it reeks of tin-foil hat conspiracy theorists that pin the world's ills on the Bilderbergers, the Illumnati, the Rothschilds and / or Area 51 types.

And now that meme lives again. Here's Shank on January 3, 2015:

As NFL playoffs begin, remember: whatever makes the path easier for the Patriots is what will happen.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 3, 2015

And here's Shank yesterday:

Same old story. No romo/des vs.patsweek 5. Whatever is easiest 4 pats will happen

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 20, 2015

Is it safe to assume that Shank owns stock in Alcoa and gets some of his dividend checks in the form of 100 yard rolls of Reynolds aluminum foil?

Frontrunning / Bandwagon Dan 2015

Another pretend 'I Love The Patriots!' column by the Globe's resident weathervane.

Now they take their show on the road. It’ll be different for the Patriots.

Four hundred and fifty miles from the Safe House of Gillette, far from the Hub’s radio signal where daily four-hour shows are devoted to protecting the Patriots and destroying New England’s horde of enemies, the Patriots Sunday will play their first road game since haters punctured the Patriot narrative after the AFC Championship game. They play the Buffalo Bills in Orchard Park, N.Y., at 1 p.m. Sunday.

We know that folks in western New York will arrive at the stadium singing songs and carrying signs designed to mock the Patriots as cheaters. We know that “all sports inflating pumps’’ are a prominently featured item in the Bills Team Store. We know that the vaunted “Bills Mafia” is ready to take a torch to the Patriots and their legacy. We know that the Bills are better than they’ve been in a while and blowhard coach Rex Ryan is versed in how to attack Tom Brady.

Naturally, expect more of this tone from Shank until it becomes convenient for him to jump off the bandwagon.

The One Where Shank Pretends To Like Bill Belichick

I can just imagine the following scene at the Boston Globe:

(John Henry) - Dan? it's John. Can you come into my office for a minute?

(Shank) - Sure thing, boss...

(John Henry) - Dan, I know you're a miserable, negative bastard, writing the nastiest columns about the Patriots, Deflategate and MY FUCKING RED SOX TEAM! Would it kill you to write one god damn positive column a month, even though next to no one will believe it's sincere for even a second?

(Shank) - Sure thing, boss.

(John Henry) - Outstanding. Now get the fuck outta here!

Today, we get one of those columns.

Maybe the rest of the country doesn’t see it this way. We don’t care.

What do you mean we, kemosabe?

At the age of 63, after 40 years in the NFL, Bill Belichick is at the absolute top of his game. Defiant, unapologetic, protective of his guys, and master of the pro football universe, Belichick in the last week has been on a roll like Larry Bird in 1986, like Bobby Orr in 1970.

This latest surge of appreciation and awe of the Hoodie started last Wednesday with the release of “Do Your Job,’’ an NFL Films propaganda documentary taking us behind the scenes at Super Bowl XLIX in Glendale, Ariz.

Or maybe they were just doing a documentary on the most successful pro football coach in the modern era, or perhaps all time?

No matter - even when he tries to write a positive column, his cynicism simply cannot be contained.

Let's review a few other positive Shaughnessy columns about Bill Belichick, shall we? We all remember last year's Kansas City Massacre, right?

By the end of the night, the darts and arrows were coming from every direction. Bill Belichick was grilled about his musical-chair offensive line and the notion of starting two rookies in front of Brady in a loud enemy theater. The coach was asked if he might have to “evaluate” his quarterback position; the question from CSNNE’s Mike Giardi elicited a smirk with no comment.

There were hysterical calls for out-of-work Charlie Weis to replace Josh McDaniels as offensive coordinator. Darrelle Revis was compared to Carl Crawford (OK, that one was me). It was noted that no Belichick defense had ever surrendered 300 yards in a first half. There was a television graphic explaining that the Patriots offense ranks last in the NFL, averaging 4.6 yards per play. We were told that Brady has missed his target more than 25 percent of the time.

“I’ve never seen a team so unprepared,’’ former Patriot Rodney Harrison said on WEEI.

And who can forget the infamous '4th and 2' column?

This was as bad as anything the Red Sox ever did. Had it been a playoff game, it would be right up there with Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner, Aaron Boone, and History Derailed in Glendale, Ariz.

And Bill Belichick played the part of Grady Little.
...
Even the legions of zombies who say “In Bill We Trust’’ and the formidable pay-for-play Patriot media machine will have a hard time defending the brilliant coach on this one.

As we noted at the time, this is the column Shank has been waiting nearly a decade to write. He hates the Patriots (and Bill Belichick) so much, he wrote another column about that loss the next day.

The Patriots spin machine was in overdrive yesterday (speaking of spin, nice try by the Red Sox - raising ticket prices on the day after Belichick channeled Grady Little).

There are New England football fans who’d support Belichick if he pledged to eradicate indoor plumbing. And the Kraft family’s media partners do a nifty job spreading the gospel of Bob, Bill, and Tom. But the blind loyalty was put to the test on the day after the disaster at Lucas Oil Can Boyd Stadium.

And now Shank is singing Belichick's praises, probably from the wrong end of a gun. Who's buying this? We sure as hell aren't, and this insincerity will be amply demonstrated if the Patriots lose big this season.

Doubling Down

Get used to it, folks; when Shank latches onto something, he is relentless:

On @ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. They agree with me that whole AFC is shelf of tomato cans.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 15, 2015

Shank Revives The 'Tomato Cans' Meme

Knock us over with a feather - sure didn't see this one coming!

The AFC East is a beast. Every team in the division is undefeated after the first week of play. This hasn’t happened in the AFC East since division realignment in 2002.

Buffalo is a bully. The Dolphins have their 1972 forefathers worried that this might be another undefeated season in Miami. The back page of Monday’s New York Post screamed, “BRAND NEW JETS,’’ in the wake of Sunday’s 31-10 demolition of the mighty Cleveland Browns.

Finally, some competition for the Patriots.

We were warned about this all summer while mired in Deflategate. Rex Ryan, a man who knows how to beat the Patriots, was bringing swagger and good players to Orchard Park, N.Y. The Dolphins went out and bought Ndamukong Suh, the baddest man in the whole damn town (still dating yourself, Shank! - ed). The Jets took Darrelle Revis away from the Patriots, then put a Harvard man at quarterback.

Now they are all unbeaten. There’ll be no cakewalk for the Patriots this year.

Sorry, people. I’m not buying any of it.

Of course he's not buying it - he's not about to abandon his long standing tradition of setting up the Patriots for the highest of expectations just like he did last year so he can take a world class shit on them just like he did last year if / when they lose a game, all the better (and a more venomous column) if they lose big.

You'd think Shank could update his pop culture references - you'd be wrong!

The AFC East is still Gladys Knight and the Pips, and the Patriots are Gladys Knight.
...
It speaks to the greatness of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, but it also speaks to the “clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right” competition from Buffalo, Miami, and New York.

Remember Shank's pledge 'never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list.'? Jokes don't technically count, right?

Belichick devours untested quarterbacks like Pablo Sandoval at the postgame spread.

Last but not least, the phrase that's been on the shelf for the last six months, polished up for heavy use in another NFL season:

The AFC East still has more tomato cans than Stop & Shop.

...aaand scene!

Shank's Second Attempt At Humor In A Week

Shank just loves working all sides of an issue in order to piss off his readers. A week ago here he is, dead serious:

I think they were doing it. We know all the flaws of the Wells Report and the unfairness and bias the NFL brought to process, but I find it impossible to explain the texts, the noncompliance, lawyering-up, destruction of evidence, suspension of two team employees, Robert Kraft’s acceptance of the whopping punishments, and the Patriots’ history of rule-bending, without concluding that the Patriots were up to something. They had a system. Brady wasn’t necessarily ordering the Code Reds, but the balls were deflated and he was generally aware. That’s my takeaway.

You don't like his opinions? That's okay - he has others! In today's installment of As The Deflated Ball Turns, half-cleverly disguised as humor:

It did not start with Bill Belichick and the 2001 Patriots. No doubt you already knew that. This goes way back. And it’s time we made amends.

Let’s start with some of the most memorable moments.

John Havlicek stealing the ball to clinch the 1965 NBA Eastern Conference finals for the Celtics? Sorry to burst your bubble. Havlicek stealing the ball was not on the level.

Johnny Most knew the dirty deal, but he took the secret to his grave. The Celtics had their backs to the wall on that April Friday night. They were engaged in a vigorous seven-game series with the hated Philadelphia 76ers and it looked like Wilt Chamberlain was finally going to get the better of Bill Russell.

Trailing by a point with five seconds left in Game 7, the 76ers were set to inbound the ball under their own basket after an awful turnover by Russell. Fortunately, Boston had karma and cleverness on its side in the person of Ernie Adams, a young Celtic ball boy from Brookline. During the timeout, after Russell’s turnover, young Adams snuck into the 76ers’ huddle and offered towels and water cups to Chamberlain and guard Hal Greer. Adams saw 76ers coach Dolph Schayes drawing up a play that had Greer inbounding the ball out deep to Chet Walker from underneath the basket. Adams went back to the Celtics’ huddle and relayed the news to Havlicek. Then Havlicek Stole The Ball. The rest is radio history, NBA history.

Points are awarded for creativity, but points are deducted for his mention of the most recent 'controversy, dubbed 'Communicategate', in which the NFL exonerated the Patriots of wrongdoing.

Unfunny Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

From yesterday's Patriots / Steelers game, Dickhead Dan still thinks this is funny stuff:

The Coin Toss in Context: Pats win toss. Defer. Game over. Again.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 11, 2015

Give it a rest, moron...

Shank is 'Steel' Up for Hating the Pats

Around 11:30 p.m. last night the Patriots sealed the win in the opening game to the NFL's 2015-16 season, rising above all the sound and fury from last season's Deflategate debacle with a convincing win over the Steelers.

It took just a few more hours for The CHB to dive back into the mire.

"[G]et ready for another round of accusations from the haters," writes The CHB, following the Patriots' victory.

But who, exactly, are the haters?

Following the game, the Steelers complained about the headsets occasionally not working or getting crossed with other broadcasts. Well, the Patriots acknowledged the headsets weren't working. That's hating?

No, what feels more like hating is when The CHB writes:

"No fan base is more angry or defensive than the proud Patriot Legion ... "

or

"[W]inning is never enough for the Patriots and their fans. They need to grind their enemies into dust."

or

"Nothing has changed for many of us ... the Patriots quarterback was not 'exonerated.' "

or

"Why so many 'experts' (including ESPN) saying the weather could have deflated balls when ESPN says all 12 colt footballs tested ok? 

Who's the real hater?

We Can Hazard A Guess

So, Shank goes on ESPN, presumably to talk about the Patriots:

Going on outside the lines on espn2 at 530est

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 10, 2015

Were the Shank comments positive or negative? Do I even have to ask?

If anyone saw it, please leave your impression in the comments. Thanks!

More Dumb Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Presumably after reading this interestingly timed Outside The Lines ESPN column, Shank comes out with an original idea:

Maybe Pats best option is just to secede from the NFL and start their own league.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 8, 2015

We can call it... the USFL!

Shank's Annual Golf Column

...is about as underwhelming as you'd imagine. There's proforma praise for winner Rickie Fowler, a cheap shot at runner-up Henrik Stenson, and Shank's lifelong man crush on Tiger Woods hasn't abated.

A Tiger-starved golf world needs more Rickie, and less Henrik.

Sorry. But you know it’s true. With Tiger Woods’s world ranking down to 266, golf needs a double shot of what the late George Frazier called duende.

What A Difference Two Days Makes

Shank, on Thursday:

"Tom Brady wins. Roger Goodell loses. So when does Bob Kraft reverse himself once more and go after the NFL to reclaim the $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?"
...
There is great glee in Foxborough. It’s another championship day for Brady, Bill Belichick, Bob and Jon Kraft, and The Wells Report In Context. Judge Berman has validated and vindicated Brady, while thoroughly spanking Goodell and the NFL’s punishing process.

Shank, about an hour and a half ago:

Berman (has he been fitted for a Patriots onesie?) only verified what we already knew: Brady was overpunished for his alleged awareness of the alleged scheme. But contrary to instant local mythology, the Patriots quarterback was not “exonerated.’’
...
Mercifully, it feels like it’s over now. Kraft is unlikely to go back on his word and seek to reverse the team punishments, and the US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit won’t be heard from for a year or two. So let’s all get on with our lives.

Shank = Not Exactly Alan Dershowitz

As my co-blogger notes below, it's always amusing to see Shank do a 180 degree turn on a subject. A mere five weeks ago, Tom Brady was a cheater. With today's column, you do not see the faintest hint of the notion that Tom Brady's a cheater, do you?

"Hey, Tom, sorry about calling you a cheater a while ago. Glad that's all cleared up now. We're good, right?"

Sadder still is Shank's lack of due diligence with respect to the following sentence:

"Tom Brady wins. Roger Goodell loses. So when does Bob Kraft reverse himself once more and go after the NFL to reclaim the $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?"

It's sad, but not surprising, that Shank has had seven months to examine this situation and still have little to no idea about contract law, legal precedents with respect to the NFL or collective bargaining agreements, all stemming from his laziness or lack of curiosity. I was able to blow through the Berman decision in the better part of an hour and conclude that Berman's decision (last part of p. 18 to about page 39) was based on numerous violations / misapplications of NFL precedence and due process procedures by commissioner Goodell with respect to the existing collective bargaining agreement during the arbitration hearing, which makes Shank's contention about half right. Further of Brady's contentions (the rest of the Scribd link above) were dismissed by Judge Berman.

If he had bothered to read Berman's report, he would realize that Berman did not rule against anything in the Wells Report itself, never opining on the underlying allegations against Brady and thus not providing Kraft any basis for an appeal of the team fine and loss of draft picks. This is just a further demonstration of Shank's laziness.

Intercepted

So back on Jan. 22, when The CHB tweeted this:

do you think it ever crossed his mind that he would someday (as in today) write this:

"Tom Brady wins. Roger Goodell loses. So when does Bob Kraft reverse himself once more and go after the NFL to reclaim the $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?"

Of course not. Which is why most of us learn by the time we reach grade school not to speak out of turn or lob grenades without knowing what the consequences of doing so might be.

But not The CHB! Reversing himself is what he does best.* Now it's the "blundering NFL" and the "stubborn" NFL commissioner Roger Goodell who are in the wrong.

Perhaps changing your mind is "just part of the editorial process."


*The bartenders at The Four's might disagree.

Shank And The Globe's Editorial Process

Having read Mike's recent post about Shank and the deleted Don Orsillo sign removal sentence, a Globe hack responds thusly:

That led David Skok, the Globe’s managing editor for digital and general manager of BostonGlobe.com, to respond: “Story was published early, sourcing was weak so the line was removed. Our coverage on this speaks for itself.”

It speaks, all right, and just furthers this blogger's contention that Shank does not have an editor, or doesn't until something blows up in Shank's face.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but a cursory review of this site's posts since inception for the search word 'editor' shows 24 results. Out of the first twelve, I rediscovered five clear indicators of this lack of editorial oversight:

* Dec. 30, 2007 - three spelling mistakes, never corrected.

* Dec. 7, 2008 - Semi-confusing (and definitely annoying) references to the (Sea)Hawks and potentially the Atlanta Hawks.

* Jan. 26, 2010 - same as above.

* Nov. 23, 2014 - misstatement of fact; a Google search of two minutes could have prevented this one.

* July 9, 2015 - misstatement of fact / complete lack of research. Again, a two minute Google search was all that would have been required to get this story straight.

Oh - and my all-time favorite is right here:

Skaters know there’s a purity about the outdoor game. No Zamboni fumes.

A quick Google search turns out the following:

Drive Train:
Four-wheel drive. Rugged Spicer axles have high capacities. Full floating rear axle. General Electric 17.5 HP electric motor provides superior on-ice power even at low speeds.

By the way, Zamboni machines have had electric drive trains for over fifty years.

The only time a Globe editor is mentioned in the same sentence as Shank's is in this case or when Shank's wife donates $250 to Nikki Tsongas' congressional campaign from a joint checking account and a Globe editor has to pull Shank's ass out of the fire, piously declaring nothing to see here, move along.

If any of you want to continue to buy into the notion of Shank having constant editorial oversight, these examples out ought to persuade you otherwise. It is clear to me that the offending sentence in Shank's latest column was removed after someone, presumably at NESN and / or the Red Sox organization, spotted it and 'requested' that it be removed.

Hacktastic!

UPDATE at 5:28 PM - Commenter Anonymous points out this egregious example, to wit: Dodgers StadiumThe Coliseum opened was the Dodgers baseball field in 1958, and Shank's article as linked to above has Humphrey Bogart attending at least one game at that stadium. All well & fine, were it not for the fact that Bogart died in January 1957, one year before the stadium opened.

Like I noted before, this is not an exhaustive list of evidence that Shank has no immediate editorial oversight; any additional examples would simply be shoveling more dirt on this notion.

UPDATE at 7:11 PM - Typo has been corrected as noted above, which makes this site more accountable than Shank's columns on this sort of thing...

UPDATE, 9/2/2015 at 12:58 AM - Change of Los Angeles baseball venue as noted above, thanks to commenter Anonymous.

New suggested DSW masthead - 'At least we acknowledge and correct our mistakes!'

The CHB's Belichickian Response

As Anonymous was so good to note in the Comments to the post below, The CHB's piece today on Don Orsillo's pending departure had the following line deleted: "Two Sox employees told the Globe that workers at Fenway turnstiles were ordered to confiscate any signs supporting Orsillo as fans entered Fenway."

Media watcher Dan Kennedy, who has the story over at Media Nation, asked The CHB about the
edit." The CHB, naturally, is less than forthcoming in his response, claiming the deletion is "just part of the editorial process" and not commenting further.

But Deadspin is on the attack, asserting that Shank's sourcing is either weak or outright wrong.

Only Flounder from Animal House can do this justice:

Shank Talk on Orsillo Exit Just a Lot of Hot Air

Looking for threads, The CHB continues to yank John Henry's. But his goal, if he has one (doubtful), remains vague.

In typical hyperbolic fashion, The CHB claims the "firings" of Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino, GM Ben Cherington and announcer Don Orsillo were "classless."

But were they? Let's take them one at a time, shall we?

1. Lucchino: The CHB has repeatedly argued that the Red Sox has underachieved. So, if that's the case -- and three World Series titles in 10 years would bring out the ecstasy of every MLB team, Yankees included -- shouldn't the architect been canned? After all, it was more than a year ago that Shank called him an "absentee owner." Going back to 2013, The CHB said Lucchino deserved blame for the 2011 collapse and 2012 wipeout. And even before that The CHB was claiming Lucchino was on his way out because he didn't have a contract.

Then last month The CHB asserts Larry is bailing because he "just got tired of being there."

Make up your mind, Danny Boy. Was it Lucchino's choice or not? And was it time for him to leave or not?

 2. Cherington: See above. If the team is as bad as The CHB claims it is, why shouldn't the general manager be shown the door? Back in early 2013, The CHB was mocking Cherington was being -- can we say it? -- dumb: "Some of us (me) think Cherington is a little slow-moving for the combustible Lucchino." We can read between those lines. After all, the point of the piece was that Cherington wasn't getting blamed for the Red Sox' 2012 performance, but that he should have been.

3. Orsillo: His contract was also up. And yes, it's a huge shame he is getting the boot. It happens. Before he became the drunken face of the Cubs (something The CHB probably can relate to) Harry Caray was dumped by the Cardinals. His son, Skip, was relegated to Peachtree TV after 20-plus years calling Atlanta Braves games on TBS. The handling of this was inelegant, to say the least, but it happens, even to Hall of Fame announcers.

My take: The CHB has been frozen out of the loop on what remains the region's biggest beat -- the Red Sox -- and he's seething over it. As is his passive-aggressive style, this is his response.

DHL Dan - XLVI

Buried in the Globe's sports section is Shank's Picked up Pieces column from Saturday, where he 'discusses' many topics, from Tom Werner and Don Orsillo to DeflateGate and Darryl Dawkins.

Classy, Professional Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

If you're dusting off the cheap shots at the Krafts, it must be football season:

Kraft booster seats made the trip to Carolina

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) August 29, 2015

Don Orsillo Gets Axed

Shank finally gets around to the firing of Red Sox TV announcer Don Orsillo.

This Tuesday, while the Sox were in Chicago, WEEI reported that Orsillo would be done with NESN at the end of this season. Sox owners and NESN officials (the team owns 80 percent of NESN) did not respond to reporters’ inquiries after word leaked, and Orsillo issued a polite “no comment” from Chicago.

At 7:50 p.m. Tuesday, shortly before the Sox played the White Sox, NESN issued a statement on its website confirming Dave O’Brien would replace Orsillo for the 2016 Sox season.

Ratings are down, the Sox are in last place for the third time in four years, and they can’t simply fire another pitching coach.

And so Don Orsillo is gone. Without any explanation from ownership or Orsillo’s bosses at NESN. And he’s apparently expected to finish out the season as if none of this is happening. Awkward.

If anyone runs into the suit responsible for this (Joseph Maar), kick him in the nuts for me, ok?

Jim Lonborg

There's a charity baseball game tomorrow night in Cambridge featuring former Red Sox pitching great Jim Lonborg, so Shank gets a column out of it.

Twenty-two-year-old Tim Kurkjian had a chance to bat against 61-year-old Bob Feller back in the summer of 1979. Kurkjian, now a popular baseball analyst with ESPN, was then a cub reporter covering the Alexandria Dukes for the Washington Star.

On that fateful night 36 years ago, media members were invited to hit against Feller, an aging Hall of Famer who was forever making a buck barnstroming across the USA.

“It was amazing,’’ recalls Kurkjian. “Bob Feller was my dad’s hero. He was one of the greatest pitchers who ever lived. And there I was, standing in the batter’s box, hitting against him in this pregame exhibition.

“He wasn’t throwing very hard. He was 61 years old! So I got a couple of hits.

“When it was over, they gave me a certificate with my name on it, which had some large print at the bottom. It said something like, ‘The aforementioned slugger acknowledges that if he had faced Bob Feller in his prime, the results might have been different.’ No kidding! I’m sure I would have lit him up when he was throwing 101 miles an hour in 1940!’’

All of which brings us to Jim Lonborg, a 73-year-old South Shore dentist who will be toeing the rubber for charity at St. Peter’s Field in Cambridge on Thursday at 7 p.m.

CHB Column Latest Underperformer

Six days after The CHB was laid to waste, scooped on the Dave Dombrowski hiring by the likes of Heidi Watney (!) and David Wade (!!), he picks up the pieces long enough to claim the renewed energy at Fenway owes itself to players worried about losing their jobs.

Who, exactly, is worried remains to be seen.

Pablo Sandoval has a huge contract, and the Red Sox don't have a viable replacement at third base. He ain't worried. Hanley Ramirez has an even huger contract, and while they have lots of outfielders, none of them is making $22 million a year. He ain't worried either.

Dustin Pedroia is injured but the heart and soul of the team and has a contract that runs through 2021. The only guy in the system who might be able to fill his spot today is the current starting centerfielder, Mookie Betts. He ain't worried.

And on it goes. The other underperformers have already been traded (Mike Napoli, Shane Victorino) or released (Justin Masterson), or are on the DL and unlikely to be booted without a long look next spring.

The other myth The CHB tries to push is that the Red Sox are suddenly going to return to the Stone Ages of baseball; that is, when the league RBI leader was the default MVP. Ha! Wonder if Shank knows the difference between the Red Sox and, say the Cardinals and Giants is not their scouts but rather their so-called baseball people NOT taking the stats guys' advice. Keep in mind, it was the stats guys who said don't sign Sandoval. The CHB, on the other hand, made it the platform of his off-season campaign. Who's the smart guy now?

Scooped!

Dave Dombrowski was named head of the Boston Red Sox's baseball operations last night, and Ben Cherington, the GM since 2011, has resigned.

It's the biggest story, hands down, of the Red Sox season in 2015, and The CHB is nowhere to be found.

Scoooooopppppeeeedddd!!!

Jealous Shank

Zo's ring. So jealous pic.twitter.com/S3IZmdNFq3

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) August 18, 2015

That's okay, Shank - you can just show everyone your Pulitzer Prize...

Deflated Column

As we wait for the Federal court proceedings to work itself out, Shank may have finally come down with Deflategate Fatigue Syndrome.

The symptoms are obvious.

You are tired, edgy, and have bags under your eyes. You scan your monthly National Grid bill looking for language about ideal gas laws. After you have blood drawn for your annual physical, you call the doctor’s office to ask about your PSI levels. You know way too much about the vacation schedules of Gerry Callahan and Michael Felger. You get angry every time Chris Mortensen comes on ESPN. You sleep in a Free Brady T-shirt.

But you don’t sleep much.

You have Deflategate Fatigue Syndrome, a.k.a. DFS.

One of his better efforts recently.

A Cancer in the Clubhouse

All of The CHB's hyperventilating and bloviating over the Red Sox goes for naught now that manager John Farrell has been diagnosed with lymphoma.

But never let Shank miss a golden opportunity to revise history. As Roger linked to below, in today's (last night's) piece The CHB surmises, "[E]ven in bad times Farrell has commanded respect and dodged the slings and arrows that traditionally puncture the man in the corner office on Yawkey Way."

Indeed. Just a couple weeks ago, The CHB was referring to Farrell (among others) as one of the "company men ... headed to their third-last place finish in four seasons" and a "subordinate eager to please the bosses".

Slings and arrows 1, respect 0

And The CHB questioned in late June why Farrell still had a job, asking LArry Lucchino, "Why does he have that support? Again, it looks like he’s a company man, who won’t push back and therefore stays on the job."

Slings and arrows 2, respect 0

Oh yes: There's also all the usual background info on Farrell, a CHB staple, as if no one has heard of Wikipedia (which is probably where he gets it all).

The Boston Red Sox have a cancer in their midst all right, but it writes for the Globe.

John Farrell

Red Sox manager John Farrell announced his diagnosis of lymphoma a few hours ago. Shank does the write-up.

Get well soon, John.

Speaking Of Alcohol

Guess whose son has a Twitter account?

I suppose that's better than trying to beat the shit out of a couple of cops...

One Hit Wonders

Shank writes a decent column reflecting on one-time memorable performances of professional athletes.

I’M NOT SURE MALCOLM BUTLER OR DAVE ROBERTS DRINK BEER, but I am sure of this one thing . . . 

They’ll never have to buy another beer in this town.

It’s what we always say. A guy makes a great catch, hits a big homer, or steals a series-saving base, and we say the same thing.

He’ll never have to buy a beer in this town again.

Bernie Carbo stopped drinking alcoholic beverages back in the 1990s, but he’s never going to have to a buy a beer in Boston because he hit one of the biggest homers in Red Sox history when, while pinch-hitting with two outs in the eighth, he drove a Rawley Eastwick cut fastball into the center-field bleachers to tie the sixth game of the epic 1975 World Series. Carbo’s blast set up the Carlton Fisk foul-pole shot — the Good Will Hunting moment that guaranteed that Pudge also would never again have to buy another beer in this town.

DHL Dan - XLV

This isn't your normal amalgamation of half-useless thoughts and jumbled logic; Shank takes the Picked-Up Pieces column to a whole 'nother level of rambling and contradictory, disjointed thought.

Picked-up pieces while officially changing my Globe column logo to “The Shaughnessy Report In Context” . . .

■ The more I think about it, I’m predicting that the embarrassed and contrite NFL will rescind all Deflategate penalties and ultimately reward the Patriots with a $2 million apology bonus and a couple of additional draft picks because of . . . you know . . . everything that the league put the Patriots through.

This, after numerous columns, nay, a veritable crusade, taking massive dumps on the Patriots. Gotta love having it both ways!

Shank continues to lobby for the rights to co-write Larry Lucchino's book:

■ Pay attention to what the Red Sox do regarding the Larry Lucchino vacancy. If you are a Sox fan, it’s a bad sign if the front office chooses to operate without a baseball guy to fill Lucchino’s shoes. Lucchino has been responsible for keeping order on Yawkey Way over the last 13 years.

Also, take note that Ben Cherington now mentions “John, Tom, and Mike,’’ instead of “John, Tom, and Larry.’’ “Mike” is Mike Gordon, the second-largest investor in the Red Sox.

'Tomato cans' make their annual reappearance:

■ The tomato cans are lining up nicely in the AFC East. Every year we hear about how the Dolphins, Bills, and Jets are finally going to contend . . . and then the season starts. None of the Patriots’ division opponents has a good quarterback. The Jets are now down one bad QB with Geno Smith getting his jaw broken by a teammate. Very Jetlike.

And there's another Larry Bird sighting:

■ I love how Larry Bird never lets Beezer Carnes off the hook. Carnes was Bird’s Springs Valley High School teammate in French Lick, Ind., and legend holds that Beezer was too lazy to join teammates for early-morning free throw practice before school, then he missed a key foul shot in the state tournament.

Speaking to Dan Patrick a few weeks ago, Bird said, “The dream was to be good enough to play against the big schools. That’s what we tried to do. But unfortunately, I played with a kid who kept missing free throws at the end of the game and we didn’t get there.

“I was at a party about two years ago, and this lady in her 70s looked at my friend and said, ‘What are you doing here? After missing those free throws back in ’74, you shouldn’t even show your face.’ ’’

And the one where Shank tries to wash his hands of the negative shitshow of Boston media by half-clever misdirection (emphasis mine):

■ Stand proud, Boston sports social media tough guys. When David Price was still with the Tigers, the ace lefty said this to WEEI’s John Tomase: “The amount of hatred I get from this fan base blows every other fan base away.’’

See what he tried to do there?

Truly a classic Shank mail it in effort!

Another Larry Lucchino Column?

Is it just me, or is Shank now lobbying to co-write the following book, 'Larry Lucchino, The Red Sox Years' with these consecutive columns?

NEW YORK — Yankees president Randy Levine says he’s going to miss his counterpart, Larry Lucchino.

“It’s going to be different without him, that’s for sure,’’ Levine said Wednesday from his office at Yankee Stadium. “He was a very formidable adversary. A great competitor. We went back and forth for many, many years. He never backed down. I never backed down.’’

Levine took over as president of the Yankees in 2000 and Lucchino assumed the same post with the Red Sox late in 2001. Their rivalry rhetoric was fun and lively.

The One Where Shank Pretends To Like Larry Lucchino

Shank follows up on yesterday's column sand says lots of nice things about Larry Lucchino.

First it was Tito, Theo, and the Trio. There was a lot of arguing and pushback in the Red Sox front office for eight years while the ball club averaged 93 wins per season, made the playoffs five times, and won two World Series.

Then it was just the Trio, and some company men. There was less dissent at the top. The Sox won another World Series but are headed toward their third last-place finish in four seasons.

Now it’ll just be John Henry and Tom Werner, running things their way, surrounded by loyal, hard-working subordinates eager to please the bosses.

Larry Lucchino was a boss. He had credentials, winning a World Series with the Orioles, taking the Padres to the World Series, and building a couple of spectacular ballparks. According to Henry, Lucchino was the man who “runs the Red Sox.’’ Most of the time, Lucchino ran it quite well, but he’s had less input in recent seasons and now the Sox will move forward without him at the top of the masthead. He will step down as club president and CEO at the end of this season. Werner told the Herald he’s hopeful Lucchino will “continue to be an integral part of upper management.’’

Bet Shank would like to have this one back!

Missing the Point (Man)

Larry Lucchino is stepping down as CEO of the Boston Red Sox. How many times has The CHB tried to suggest prematurely this was happening?

Let's see....

Feb. 15, 2015: The CHB claims Mike Gordon has usurped Lucchino in the Boston Red Sox pecking order.
July 8, 2014: Says Lucchino is an "absentee owner."
2012/13: Lucchino does not have a contract with Red Sox.

What's classic is that not only did The CHB get the timing wrong -- and by years -- he also got the replacement wrong. It's Sam Kennedy.

Tom Caron

Shank takes a break from shitting on Tom Brady and the New England Patriots to devote a column about Tom Caron of NESN.

The WEEI/NESN Jimmy Fund Radio-Telethon starts Aug. 18 and Tom Caron will be anchoring much of the event from NESN’s perch under the center-field bleachers at Fenway Park. Caron has been part of this magnificent event since its inception in 2002, and he’s interviewed dozens of Dana-Farber patients and their families in the course of raising millions of dollars for the fight against cancer.

This year will be different for Tom Caron. This year he will better understand the plight of cancer victims and the language they speak.

Caron had a mass removed from his chest in late March and learned that it tested positive for lymphoma just before starting work at the NESN studios on Friday, April 10 — which turned out to be the night the Red Sox and Yankees engaged in a six-hour-49-minute, 19-inning marathon in the Bronx. Caron planned on telling his wife the bad news after he got home that night, but as the game lurched toward midnight, the delay became intolerable. He called home in the middle of the 12th inning.

“Literally, the longest night of my life,’’ says the 20-year veteran of the New England Sports Network. “Those were long moments. You want to think the best, but you just don’t know.’’

Here's wishing Tom a full recovery.