Idiot

In rare consecutive day columns, Shank ponders Johnny Damon's reason(s) for not coming to Boston. Naturally, he trashes Damon's book before coming close with...

It really makes me wonder how bad things got for him in Boston at the end, when he was negotiating for a new contract after the 2005 season.

He then trashes Red Sox fans (childish, inane, nitwits) before coming out with this gem:

Damon came here from Oakland because Boston offered the best deal. When his contract was up, the Sox offered four years at $40 million while the Yankees offered four years at $52 million. It’s a significant difference. Damon wasn’t a guy who left for one extra dollar. He left because the Yankees outbid the Sox — by a lot.

That's not exactly how Shank viewed the situation at the time:

Johnny Damon is a Yankee and it looks like the Red Sox don't know what they are doing. ... So now your Boston Red Sox have no center fielder, no shortstop, and no first baseman to go along with no Theo Epstein and no clue. It's fair to say this is becoming a winter of discontent in Red Sox Nation. Ben and Jed and Craig and Larry and Tom and John and Crosby, Stills & Nash can spin this anyway they want, but Sox fans can't escape the conclusion that there's chaos at the top. The Josh Beckett trade bought some goodwill and glad tidings, but losing Damon to the Yankees is a devastating blow to the foundation of the Nation.

And the finish:

Damon’s decision to eschew Boston hurts the Red Sox on and off the field. And we may never know the real reason.

It's kind of funny to observe the undisputed heavyweight champion of running athletes out of Boston act like he doesn't understand why Johnny Damon isn't coming back to the Red Sox.

Clementine

Shank returns from his late summer vacation to remind us that Roger Clemens isn't a complete asshole:

Let me tell you the story of Clementine.

Clementine is a 6-foot-tall white teddy bear that sits in a shed behind my house. Clementine is 16 years old and a little worn around the edges. The big bear is dirty, moth-ridden, and has duct tape covering holes where stuffing would come out.

Clementine came to our house in a giant cardboard box delivered in a UPS truck in the winter of 1993-94. When the driver and I discovered that the return address was “Katy, Texas,’’ we checked to see if the thing was ticking. Roger Clemens was no friend of mine, and I was concerned the box might contain a Trojan Horse or some other mayhem maker.

No. It contained a get-well gift for 8-year-old Kate Shaughnessy, who’d just been diagnosed with leukemia. There was an autographed baseball from Clemens and the big white bear. Kate smiled and named him/her Clementine. And Clementine stayed in her room until she graduated from college.

The rest of the column chronicles Clemens' baseball career and his current federal grand jury indictment.

It's little wonder Shank didn't bury Clemens with this column...

Flamethrowers

Back from vacation, Shank devotes his weekly CNN / SI column to the latest Red Sox controversy: Bard or Papelbon as closer?

A closer controversy is not unlike a quarterback controversy. You know the drill: veteran star struggles... kid steps in and makes everything look easy... fans want to kick the old guy to the curb and go with the young gun.

Say hello to Jonathan Papelbon and Daniel Bard, the two most important residents of the Red Sox bullpen.

The rest of the column is informative and reasonable, like so few of his Globe columns.

Nail Biter, and Shaq

That's Shank's nutshell description of yesterday's 2-1 win over the Yankees. It's the first time in a while that Shank seems to write about the Red Sox in a level headed manner.

On the other hand, check out his CNN / SI article on Shaquille O'Neal. He describes the trade as a good trade. For a columnist who constantly pointed out the collective age of the Celtics roster, then add Shaq to the mix, and declare it a good trade is a bit baffling.

Mound Of Trouble

That's how Shank describes Josh Beckett's start last night against the Yankees, which resulted in a 7-2 Red Sox loss. It's a decent Shank column; slightly critical without the trademark vindictiveness, cheap shots and lame song lyrics.

Cheap Trick

Shank takes a trip to New York to write an underwhelming column after a 6 - 3 Red Sox win. Since this is the first of a four game series, little can be read into the first win, and that's precisely what we get with this column. One may get the impression that Shank would have buried the 2010 Red Sox had they lost last night. We'll see by Tuesday, won't we?

A shot at Shank's new whipping boy (With the bases loaded and two outs, Vazquez walked Jacoby Ellsbury, who is 0 for 12 since coming back from Pawtucket (maybe Ellsbury needed more games in the minors).) and Shank's classic disclaimer (Your Sox are going to have company in their quixotic quest.) finish off a lame column.

It's A Twofer

Shank bangs out a pair of columns, one of them at CNN / SI, where he wonders why Rick Pitino still has a job. Among other tidbits,

Leaving himself open to ridicule on top of scorn, he said the encounter lasted only 15 seconds. He made himself a punchline.

What's worse then being a Minuteman? A Pitino!

Next up, Shank takes yet another shot at Jacoby Ellsbury. After three plus months, you do have to wonder what the hell is going on.

It’s impossible and unfair to measure another man’s pain.

But Shank does it anyway. It helps to write this column after a Red Sox loss, and now Ellsbury is the new Nomar / Manny / Schilling in Shank's eyes, complete with mentioning a trade / a comparison to Nomar circa 2004.

Meanwhile, the wounded Sox are sinking in the American League East.

This, after a mere week after jumping back on the bandwagon. This guy's shameless.

What An Asshole

I could have gone with an alternate headline, say, 'I Was Wrong' when describing the belief that Shank would not discuss the recent 6 - 4 road trip by the Red Sox. However, the real headline barely captures my complete disgust with this columnist.

Dan Shaughnessy, July 27, 2010:

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Reading Red Sox dispatches from Oakland and Seattle was depressing. The estimable Amalie Benjamin and indefatigable Pete Abraham kept me up to date as the Sox stumbled out West, but I had to come out here to see for myself. The SS Francona is taking on water, listing badly, and I wanted one last look before it sinks into the Pacific, under the Theo Epstein Bridge to 2011.

Dan Shaughnessy, two fucking days later:

ANAHEIM, Calif. — I’m in. I believe. I just saw Marco Scutaro hit a grand slam to complete a three-game Red Sox sweep of the Angels. The Sox look like they are ready for a big stretch run.

The Sox just played 10 games in 10 days in three cities. They won six, lost four, and ordered room service 214 times. They looked dead in Seattle, and now they are coming home with bounce in their step and real hopes for August and September.

Dan Shaughnessy, the ultimate fair weather friend, turns on a dime yet again based on essentially a three game stretch. Dan Shaughnessy, shamelessly back on the bandwagon after pointing out all that is wrong with the Red Sox two weeks ago. Hypocritical Dan Shaughnessy, after many articles bemoaning the lack of offense of the Red Sox (sorry, there's too many of them to link to), now bursts with pride (and finally acknowledges) about the batting lineup:

Offense? For all the winter worries about scoring runs, the Sox are second in the league in runs and homers. They hit four jacks yesterday, including Scutaro’s bases-loaded blast that cracked open a 3-3 game in the eighth inning. They have had more doubles than Don Draper and the boys at Sterling-Cooper.

Nice to see Shank upgrade pop culture references from the Seinfeld era, isn't it?

A single begrudging acknowledgement of his past criticisms of the Red Sox is the only redeeming quality I see in this column:

I came to Los Angeles to bury them, but now my glass is half-full.

More like half full of shit. It's both amusing and infuriating to see the alleged ace Boston Globe sports columnist act like a flighty, ditzy high school blonde that can barely make up his or her mind on anything, much less stick to his convictions for any length of time greater than a couple of days. Either that, or this is part of a huge game he's playing just to get a few more eyeballs on his columns. Whichever it is, he's still an asshole.

Sweep It Under The Rug

The Red Sox complete a three game sweep of the Angels to finish their road trip at 7 - 7, which isn't bad for a team chasing a playoff spot. Will Shank, in future criticisms of the 2010 Red Sox, omit this inconvenient fact as he's done before?

UPDATE, 7/29/10 at 9:15 AM - The road trip was 6 - 4, not 7 - 7 (I included the series against Texas in my original tally). Thanks to commenter Q for setting me straight. However, that just means there's less of a chance of Shank mentioning it.

Just Say No-No

In rare mid-season form, Shank 'treats' us to back-to-back Globe columns. Right off the bat, we're exposed to lame song lyrics:

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Welcome to the No-Hit Zone of Major League Baseball, 2010. Must be the season of the pitch.

The rest of the article quotes baseball players & managers for their theories on the spike in no-hitters. I wonder if it ever occurred to Shank that, given this trend, his near constant criticism of the Red Sox and their emphasis on pitching just might be wrong and happen to coincide with this trend?

Where else can you get thoughtful, incisive analysis like this?

Put it this way: The Tampa Bay Rays have played 99 games this year and three of them were no-hitters. That’s like the same Greyhound Bus getting hit by three bolts of lightning.

Memo to the Boston Globe - you can save a lot of money and not send Shank on cross-country trips and still get the same 'quality' product.

UPDATE at 9:50 AM - Naturally, Shank's following other people's leads.

The Return Of Bitter Dan

Shank takes a trip to the West Coast, shovel in hand, to start burying the 2010 Red Sox.

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Reading Red Sox dispatches from Oakland and Seattle was depressing. The estimable Amalie Benjamin and indefatigable Pete Abraham kept me up to date as the Sox stumbled out West, but I had to come out here to see for myself. The SS Francona is taking on water, listing badly, and I wanted one last look before it sinks into the Pacific, under the Theo Epstein Bridge to 2011.

Shank discusses last night's game, the injury situation and a few Shots at Jacoby Ellsbury (AKA Old Blood & Guts).

Shank then lectures the fans:

Too bad Boras can’t speak for Hideki Okajima. Okie spit the bit Sunday, then refused to explain his strange decisions regarding his fielding of Mariners bunts. This prompted media members to complain about Okie’s lack of accountability, which in turn prompted assorted fanboys to say the writers are being crybabies. Let’s go over this one more time people: if players don’t explain themselves, they are snubbing you, not us. Personally, I don’t care if any of these guys ever say another word. We only ask them stuff because we presume you want to know. If you are OK with a guy turtling after coughing up a lead, then I’m OK with it.

Last but not least, Shank continues his normal, healthy obsession with Curt Schilling:

Finally, hats off to the ship of fools known as the Rhode Island Economic Development Corp. The RIEDC yesterday pledged a $75 million loan guarantee to lure Curt Schilling’s game company (the one with no games) to the Ocean State. It’s the best demonstration of sports sycophants gone wild with public money since the yahoos in Connecticut promised to give Bob Kraft the world to move his team to Yo Adriaen’s Landing in Hartford.

Yesterday's CNN / SI article and this awful piece of 'writing' makes me wonder what standards, if any, exist for Shank at the Boston Globe.

The Deal That Wasn't

Still on apparent vacation at the Globe, Shank submits another solid column over at CNN / SI.

Alex Rodriguez is back in the news this week. Going into Monday's four-game series against the Indians in Cleveland, A-Rod is on deck to hit his 600th career home run.

This got me to thinking ... what if A-Rod was hitting all those homers at Fenway Park as the shortstop of the Boston Red Sox?

It almost happened. Actually, it did happen for a few days, but the almighty Major League Baseball Players Association intervened forever changing the fortunes of a bunch of ballclubs when the A-Rod-to-Fenway deal was triggered in the winter of 2003-04.

With the New England Patriots starting training camp this coming Thursday, I trust Shank will be back to Belichick bashing in short order...

Very Good Shank Column

That's because it's not one of his Boston Globe columns:

Among the nauseating aspects of the LeBron James "Decision" (and there were too many to count) is the old and ongoing cozy relationship that exists between LeBron, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.

You heard all the details. 'Bron, D-Wade and Bosh got together years ago and made a pact to one day join forces. They signed contracts designed to expire simultaneously. They held Cartel meetings during the offseason, and sometimes during the regular season.

Gag me. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned disdain for the opposition? How good can the competition be when the alleged "rivals" are in business together or planning to join forces at a later date?

At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeon who covered the 1918 World Series (Ruth really dominated the Cubs in that 1-0 game, didn't he?), sports was better in the days before the players all loved one another.

Ted Williams and Bob Gibson are mentioned further on in the column. Easily his best column this month; or as former poster Dave M. might say, 'Shaughnessy - setting the bar so low that an average column looks good by comparison'. Such a cynic...

DHL Dan - III

Shank takes a day off with the picked up pieces column. This genre of column is mostly garbage, but there are occasional funny tidbits:

A Globe reader wants to know why Frank Zappa is sitting in the Rangers’ dugout. Actually, that’s Texas pitching coach Mike Maddux.

I was thinking the same thing, actually!

Bravo to Sox executive Jeremy Kapstein (running for Rhode Island lieutenant governor), for ripping the state’s proposal to give 38 Studios (Curt Schilling’s company) a $75 million loan guarantee to bring the company to Rhode Island. “I have serious questions about the viability of that kind of offer to a company that is full of questions,’’ Kapstein told WPRO-AM.

Kapstein said the same thing on Shank's radio program yesterday. I listened to it from 12:30 to 2:00, and there were many subjects covered, including the one just mentioned. Just to backtrack a bit, it's quite clear to me that Shank was in fact ripping Jacoby Ellsbury on previous shows, so the next time Shank tries the passive-aggressive act (And he's getting carved up on Boston's sports talk programs.), let it be known that Shank's doing his part, on air and in print.

Panic Button - II

Last night's Red Sox blowout loss to the Texas Rangers, 7-2, provides Shank with the opportunity to point out all that is wrong with the Olde Towne Team.

Early on, there's this whopper:

I hate to be negative (really), but when do we come out and admit the obvious?

From here, Shank highlights the awful April start, conveniently omits the next two months where the Sox had the best record in baseball, points out all the Sox injuries, then compares the upcoming Sox road trip (rough) to the Yankees & Rays (playing the Orioles, Indians & Royals).

A more honest assessment of the situation would have included that May - June period where the Sox fared much better recordwise, and that the Sox ought to do better when their injured players come off the disabled list. Positive items, however, have no place in certain Shank columns, and this is one of them.

Say Again?

As most baseball writers have done this week, columns abound about George Steinbrenner. Shank goes for the contrarian angle:

You would have liked George Steinbrenner.

Really.

An unconvincing column ensues, at least from a New England Red Sox fan's perspective.

Jack Craig, R.I.P

Shank writes about fellow Globie Jack Craig, who passed on last week at age 81. It reads like a decent enough column, but since I don't remember Mr. Craig at all, I can't comment further.

What Are The Odds?

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column focuses on Jacoby Ellsbury and his injury situation. Seems the primary focus is how long does it take to come back from a collision with Adrian Beltre when you wind up with cracked ribs and other injuries. More focus is given to the 'other injuries'; how they were diagnosed, by whom they were diagnosed and at whose behest were they diagnosed.

This part is interesting and humorous at the same time (my emphasis):

Ellsbury has played only nine games all season and is clearly at odds with the Sox management, medical staff and teammates. And he's getting carved up on Boston's sports talk programs.

Would you care to guess who one of the hosts of the "Boston's sports talk programs" is?

Saturday
8am: Bertrand & Gasper
11am: The Dan Shaughnessy Show
2pm: Hardy & Trupiano
6pm: FOX Sports Radio

I listened to part of the Saturday show (about 15 minutes between 12:45 & 1:00) where it was a block about LeBron, so to be fair I can't say with any surety if Ellsbury was discussed prior or subsequent to that block of time. I would not be surprised in the slightest if Shank took part in carving the metaphorical Thanksgiving turkey. Gotta love to be in the position of stirring the pot, then write as though your fingerprints aren't on the knife. One would think that, at a minimum, a disclosure of this situation would be professionally responsible.

Despicable

That's Shank's take on the self-indulgent spectacle of LeBron James' one hour ESPN special to announce his decision to play for the Miami Heat.

Truly, has there ever been a more hideous sports-related hour than what we saw Thursday night?

It’s hard to know where to start. We had MeBron speaking of himself in the third person and saying, “I’m going to take my talents to South Beach.’’ We had ESPN lying to us about at what point MeBron would announce his move, then morphing into game-show mode. We had Gray forever forfeiting all semblance of integrity, taunting America (particularly Clevelanders) by intentionally delaying the only question we wanted him to ask. And now we have the Miami Heat — a veritable team of A-Rods, the team we will root against in every game as long as LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh are together.

Despicable. All of them.

No argument here.

Siesta Over?

As soon as I made my last post, commenter Paul rains on my parade and points out that Shank did indeed write a column today, one that he's been sitting on for a couple of weeks.

A couple of hours before the Red Sox played the Giants June 26 in San Francisco, Darnell McDonald came in from shagging flies to say hello to a small group gathered by the first base dugout at AT&T Park. The Sox outfielder shook hands with Sam Callahan, a 14-year-old boy battling Ewing’s sarcoma, a rare bone/soft tissue cancer that targets teens.

As noted many times in the past, these are Shank's best columns. Since the Red Sox are doing well, the Celtics' season is over and Bill Belichick isn't around for Shank to take a crap on, maybe we can expect more articles like this one. Naturally, I won't be holding my breath...

Summer Siesta / Jerry Gutlon Tribute

Judging from the previous July postings from Shank, we shouldn't expect much, if anything, from him this month, unless he steps in serious shit. It could be from a reluctance by the cash-strapped Globies to send him to premier sporting events like the World Cup or the Tour de France, or it could be from something else, like a normal bile regeneration before the Patriots start training camp or the Red Sox start a post All-Star game tailspin. It's difficult to figure out what happens from year to year. That's what makes sports so much fun!

As I was researching this, I realized yesterday was the first anniversary of former contributor Jerry Gutlon's passing. I never got to chat with him directly through e-mail or otherwise, and I knew he was a very heavy hitter with respect to his knowledge of the Red Sox and Dan Shaughnessy, and I wish I knew him better. My condolences go out to his wife Kristie and his family, and what little part I can do to carry on his spirit and passion on this site, I hope to do so honorably.

Thanks for Nothing

Shank's first column in over a week was posted on CNN / SI, lamenting the lack of action with respect to the NBA's free agents. For those who follow the NBA, there's next to nothing in this column in terms of new information:

So far, it's been a big, fat, nothing. LeBron is still in Cleveland, D-Wade is still in Miami (no thanks to Heat fans who were sent to the wrong airport terminal to welcome him home), Joe Johnson has agreed to stay in Atlanta, Dirk Nowitzki signed on with Dallas, Rudy Gay stayed with Memphis, and Paul Pierce opted out, only to stay with the Celtics. Wade, Chris Bosh and Carlos Boozer are waiting to see what LeBron is going to do.

On the contrary, seems to me there's been, in fact, quite a bit of activity. Of the eight big names, four have made decisions and four have not. Does Shank really have a problem with a few people taking less than a week to make what will be for them the biggest professional decision of their lives?

With Doc Rivers and Paul Pierce re-upping with the Celtics, Shank also reminds us in nine hundred different ways that the Celtics are old, man. Granted, a team that was within one game of winning its 18th championship (which, curiously enough, was not mentioned), but why let that get in the way of a sour column?

DHL Dan, Mailing It In

As the commenter Anonymous pointed out this afternoon, Shank's CNN / SI article is a simple combination of the two Globe columns from yesterday, with enough rearrangement so that it doesn't look like a complete ripoff, like a mention of 'Theo and his minions' and only one remark about Pedroia's height. Stay classy!

I know it was a hot, sunny day in Boston today, and it's the kind of day where you don't feel like doing a whole lot. Looks like Shank felt that way, too.

The Walking Wounded

Shank slowly returns his focus to the Boston Red Sox this week, but not to bore us about 'run prevention'. Instead he chronicles the many injuries endured by the Red Sox this season, the most recent of which was to Dustin Pedroia on Friday night, with a broken foot. Shank needs to remind us that Dustin is short ('half-pint', 'diminutive') and it juts out in a most obnoxious manner.

If you're looking for some poor writing, the first article may be more to your liking:

For three bone-cracking nights and days the Red Sox were sittin’ by the dock of Sick Bay.

...

Friday night it was Pedroia flopping in the dirt around home plate like a salmon on dry land...

...

Saturday it was Buchholz pulling up short like a wounded deer...

...

It was a dark and stormy night...

I threw that last one in there, but you get the idea.

I'm pretty sure this is the reason we haven't had any Sox bashing articles from Shank over the past two months:

Overall, the Sox are 42-22 since April 20, the best record in baseball during that stretch.

Case Closed

Shank's second Saturday column focuses on Red Sox closer Jonathan Paplebon and his recent struggles in Colorado against the Rockies, complete with a Yosemite Sam reference. I think we're only a few blown saves away from Shank throwing him under the proverbial bus...

Shank's Show Tunes Review

Well, not really. Shank checks out the musical Johnny Baseball and finds it takes some liberties with the truth. There's also a mention of the immortal book “The Curse of the Bambino’’. Since I don't give a rat's ass about musicals, feel free to read further.

Mea Culpa?

Writing his weekly CNN / SI column, Shank has once again surprised us. Okay, maybe it's just me. Still, a recently emerging theme has reared its head - The My Bad Column. He wrote one of them a few months ago, and we get another one today that leads off with a huge whopper:

I hate writing about David Ortiz. Every time I say he's done, Ortiz goes on a tear. When I admit I'm wrong, he goes into a tailspin and I wonder if I was right in the first place.

I was certainly wrong about Ortiz in this space on April 12, when I wrote a column headlined, "Boston's big problem: Big Papi past his prime, no longer everyday DH.''

It seemed to be true at the time, but of course that was before Ortiz wound up being American League Player of the Month in May, when he hit .363 with 10 homers and 27 RBIs.

It's like a food court of column types! How many Shank column types are we up to (not necessarily in this order of frequency)?

* The Go Through The Motions column
* The Mail It In column (twin brother of the Go Through The Motions column)
* The Rip A Pro Athlete / Manager / Coach / Organization column
* The Good, Solid column
* The Local Non-Professional Athlete column
* The My Bad column
* The Picked Up Pieces column

If the Red Sox take 1st place in the AL East, we may even see another My Bad column in the near future. Sweet...

More On Doc Rivers

Shank expands a bit on Doc Rivers' future with the Celtics. It's hard to imagine a scenario with Doc sticking around, but it's been an interesting six years, hasn't it?

No 18th Banner

The Celtics lose to the Lakers in Game 7, 83 - 79. Shank provides the straightforward game recap.

Last Dance?

Shank ponders Doc Rivers' future with the Boston Celtics. For those who keep an eye on the Celtics, this has been discussed for a few months now, so it's not exactly a news flash.

Furthering on the theme, Shank says that tonight's Game 7 is the end of an era, with expiring contracts and possible retirements (my speculation, not Shank's), including Doc Rivers' potential departure.

We knew this was a three-year window when Ainge assembled the New Big Three in the summer of 2007.

And we'll read the post mortem tomorrow, win or lose.

Game 7 - It's On!

It's not a fun way to get to Game 7, but Shank wraps up Game 6
for us and doesn't pull any punches.

How can you tell when Shank's bailing on a team?

Your Green Team was thrashed by the Lakers at Staples Center last night. Playing with none of the urgency and thunder that marked the final two games in Boston, the Celtics were Dropkick Murphyed in Game 6 of the NBA Finals, 89-67.

Nothing like a forced pop culture reference to trash a small paragraph. Must be the strain of the game still affecting him. Then again, after seeing Perkins hobble off the court, and have his services in doubt for Game 7, it's tough to remain an optimist.

I did like this snippet, though:

So much for Shrek and Donkey. In Game 6, they were all donkeys.

Let's hope that last sentence doesn't apply tomorrow night. Go Celtics!

Road Warriors

Shank's column focuses on past road performances by the Boston Celtics. A decent column, albeit a little abbreviated.

Game 5 Recap

Shank covers the Celtics win over the Lakers, 92 - 86 at the Garden. It's a straightforward column, not terribly good or terribly bad.

What A Pair

I see a Shank vacation after the Celtics - Lakers series is over, because we have three columns in as many days. The latter two as follows:

First up is the picked up pieces column, which contains a few interesting tidbits, but these columns generally come off as the 'mail it in' variety.

The second column compares Celtics trash talking, then and now.

It's tough to comment / mock this set of columns; they're just bland, and I get the impression that three columns in three days tends to water down their quality. I mean, more so than usual...

Reload

Shank's Saturday column focuses on Ray Allen and his shooting performances over the past two games.

I knew Ray Allen was going to come out of it (whatever you say, Shank - ed). I mean, this guy is really dedicated.

You heard about Ray, right? Just eight hours after missing all 13 of his shots in Game 3, there was a sighting of Allen jacking up threes at HealthPoint in Waltham at 7:30 a.m. Wednesday.

Halfway through the column, we're informed that Shank just bullshitted his way through:

Actually, I made all of that up. Ray takes a lot of pride in his shooting. But he doesn’t need to go all over town to break out of a one-game slump. He has his routine.

And Shank has his.

UPDATE - This column was Friday's, not Saturday's.

Celtics 96, Lakers 89

Shank's Friday column recaps the Game 4 win over the L.A. Lakers, complete with a 1:56 video of Shank summarizing the game from the parquet floor. Makes you want to click & watch, doesn't it?

Fadin' Away

Shank recaps last night's Celtics loss to the Lakers with a semi-inspired, cliche riddled column.

You want some lame wordplay?

The Phil Jackson Five took a punch in the mouth...

Clever alliteration?

...a grand and grueling match of modern mastodons.

All Tied Up

Shank recaps last night's Celtics road win over the Lakers. Keeping up with the movie themes,

If Game 1 was “Ishtar,’’ Game 2 was “The Godfather.’’

Talkin' Smack

Shank reports on Pau Gasol's comments concerning Kevin Garnett:

“On Kevin’s part, he’s also lost some explosiveness,’’ said Gasol. “He’s more of a jump shooter now, you could say . . . time passes and we all suffer it one way or another.’’

Game 2 should be interesting.

Lakers 102, Celtics 89

Shank reviews Game 1 of the 2010 NBA Finals, which can be summed up with a somewhat overstated paragraph:

Dustin Hoffman had “Ishtar’’ and now the Celtics have Game 1 of the 2010 Finals. These were the bad old Celtics who played .500 ball over the last 54 games of the regular season.

Comparing last night's loss to perhaps the worst movie ever made is a massive insult, but I expect no less from the Globe's 'ace' sports columnist.

Shank Previews Game 1

Shank's courtside for a one minute preview of tonight's game, complete with a semi-unicorn look to compliment the afro.

Hardwood Houdinis

Shank's in LA covering the Celtics - Lakers final, and treats us to a decent column. Bob Cousy gives his take on Rajon Rondo, and it's worth reading in its entirety. Really.

UPDATE at 5:55 PM - Link to article included. Sorry about that!

Timeless

Shank offers up a by-the-numbers Celtics - Lakers column, the proforma walk down memory lane. One spot-on, relevant Celtics reference is noted:

Winning a second one is important to every Celtics team. Less than an hour after the Celtics defeated the Magic in Game 6 Friday night, a reporter asked coach Doc Rivers, “Does it almost take a second championship with the group to cement yourself in history — because of all the winning that’s come before you?’’

Ever media friendly, never disposed to ignore the obvious (imagine how Bill Belichick would have handled that question), Rivers admitted, “Obviously, one is special, but the other groups have a couple and we’d like to join that club.’’

Great answer. Honest. It demonstrates that Rivers is capable of thinking like a fan.

For Shank, the fact that he's only shitting on Belichick every fifth column is a sign of progress. Readers, rejoice!

The True Believer

After the Celtics win game six over the Magic, Shank proudly declares himself the vanguard of the Celtics bandwagon:

Wyc Grousbeck accepted the trophy from Dave Cowens, hoisted it with both arms, and repeated the mantra of all winners of the last 40 years . . .

“Nobody believed in this team,’’ said the Celtics owner.

Au contraire, Mr. Moneybags.

I believed in these Celtics when “nobody believed.’’ And I can prove it.

Before shamelessly wading deeper into this pool of indulgence and self-congratulation, let’s get something straight: I am almost always wrong about these things. I said there was no way the Red Sox were going to win the World Series after they lost Game 3 of the 2004 ALCS. I said the Patriots would win the Super Bowl in Glendale, Ariz. I bought stock in Tweeter and Circuit City. I said David Ortiz was done. I predicted “Gigli’’ would win best picture. I delayed getting a cellphone because I thought it was a fad that would fade over time.

But I saw this Celtic run coming back in March when things looked hopeless. And it’s all in print.

When you water down your predictions with qualifiers and caveats, you're really trying to have it both ways in case things go south. The mention of all his bad predictions is merely a smokescreen for this fact.

To see it in action, take Shank's latest "prediction":

So this is it. Celtics win banner No. 18.

I haven’t felt this good about a pick since I bet the house on the Bruins in Game 7.

He was pretty upbeat about that game, wasn't he?

Looking On The Bright Side

I was thinking of posting last night about the subject of Shank's next column. Would it be about, for instance, the Red Sox getting swept? World Cup soccer? Tour de France? In this case, it was the bloody obvious:

It . . . cannot . . . possibly . . . happen . . . again.

But there is doubt. There is a lingering sense of dread. The Orlando Magic are Glenn Close, lifeless and submerged in the bathtub, but we are afraid she may yet rise out of the water and try to cut out our heart. One more time.

Let’s try some numbers, shall we? Big league baseball, basketball, and hockey have been playing best-of-seven series for more than 100 years, and in that time, 287 teams have taken leads of three games to none (thank you, Elias Sports Bureau). Only four teams have recovered from 3-0 to win the series. And now it’s going to happen twice within a span of 16 days? In the same city?

Still, we fret. We are damaged because of the Bruins. We are like the proverbial dog that has been kicked too many times. Every motion made in our direction causes us to recoil.

Do I have to remind anyone?

Some questions answer themselves.

Beat L.A! Beat L.A.!

You can practically hear Shank yelling it from the rooftop after the Celtics torched the Orlando Magic last night. One win away from the NBA finals, Shank reflects on the Celtic's season:

Some day this will all make sense. We will look back at the season of 2009-2010 and wonder why there was any concern about the pedestrian (50-32) regular-season Celtics. We will clearly see that the fourth-place finish in the Eastern Conference and all the blown double-digit leads meant nothing. We will wonder how we ever doubted them.

No need to wonder, Shank. You remember - big on attitude, low on work ethic, old as the hills and all that.

Shank gives the Celtics defense tons of credit, but...

Orlando has a roster of frauds with some explaining to do:

Could it be that Orlando simply got their asses kicked in Game 3, or must they be 'frauds'? You know, like this guy?

Round out the column with a Randy Moss cheap shot and the ubiquitous Red Sox reference (go forth and read it, for it is lame), and it's fishwrap time.

Despite The Win...

Shank had a lot of time to assemble the most negative article about the 2010 Red Sox so far this year. It does contain many of the themes from earlier columns (run prevention, shaky starting pitching, Ortiz, etc.) but it's noteworthy for a few added tidbits:

Mike Lowell is clearly miffed. The Sox traded him last winter, but reluctantly took him back when the deal was voided. Now he’s sharing the DH spot with David Ortiz, but Ortiz was given the start last night even though the Sox were facing the lefty Sabathia. Lowell spoke at some length in front of his locker after the lineup was posted, said he has no role on the team, and suggested all parties might benefit if the Sox release him.

Francona was not happy with Lowell and when asked about the aging third baseman would only say, “He hasn’t said anything to me.’’

...

Meanwhile we have Ortiz, who has been coddled and protected by his bosses, yet sees a conspiracy in which the Boston brass is using NESN as a weapon to turn fans against the slugger. In an impressive opus for ESPN.com, Howard Bryant uncovered the Ortiz conspiracy theory and also reported that sources in the Sox front office claim Ortiz left the ballpark early in Toronto April 27.

Asked about leaving a game early, Ortiz last night said, “That’s a lie.’’ Francona also disputed the report.

Let’s not forget Matsuzaka and Victor Martinez. V-Mart was clearly annoyed with Dice-K shaking him off in the first inning Monday and said, “I don’t know. He’s the one . . . I’m just back there trying to help him go through the game. At the end, he’s the one who has the ball in his hand.’’

Francona and pitching coach John Farrell gathered Dice-K and Martinez for a clear-the-air meeting yesterday.

Matsuzaka further confused his bosses by claiming that he knows why he’s having one bad inning per start, but he doesn’t want to reveal the reason. It’s pretty clear Matsuzaka has worn out his welcome with the Sox. He’s never been viewed as a team guy and his performance and manner are getting under everyone’s skin.

Plenty of negative things here, but what's lacking is Shank's trademark viciousness. Then again, so is the petty vindictiveness. I wonder why he's holding back?

Tortured

That's the way Shank describes last night's Red Sox loss to the Yankees.

The 2010 Red Sox sank to a new low last night when Jonathan Papelbon surrendered a pair of two-run homers in the bottom of the ninth in an excruciating 11-9 loss to the Yankees. The late-night implosion erased a noble comeback in which the Sox recovered from a 6-1 deficit (next bus to Lake Wobegon for you, Dice-K) to take a 9-7 lead on five home runs in the Bronx bandbox.

Seasons are defined on nights like this and it looks like these Red Sox might be remembered as the Lost Boys of 2010. With almost a quarter of the season gone, Run Prevention has morphed into Win Prevention. This is the latest the Sox have been under .500 in a season since Nomar Garciaparra was a rookie in 1997.

Run prevention, shaky pitching, losing close / winnable games - Shank has plenty to write about all summer.

UPDATE at 1:14 P.M. - Deadspin piles on again.

The Curse Of Bobby Orr

That's the suggested title of Shank's next book, to which he's just added the latest chapter:

The Grapes of Wrath or the Wrath of Grapes?

Only the Bruins could lose a 3-0 lead twice in the same series.

Only the Bruins could lose a Game 7 on a power-play goal after getting called for too many men on the ice.

Are you kidding me? Watching the Bruins blow a series on a too-many-men penalty is like watching the 2010 Red Sox lose a one-game playoff on a homer hit by a guy named Bucky.

How original - yet another Red Sox reference in a non-Red Sox column! Proof positive that Shank doesn't (as he stated some years ago) write for the fans, he writes to irritate the fans.

The rest of the article is standard Shank. Targets abound in the blame game - players, coaching, management. The best low blow Shank bestows on any manager is the Claude Julien comparison to Grady Little. Nary a word of blame, however, is placed on owner Jeremy Jacobs, legendary cheapskate.

Give Shank Some Credit

... for his ballsy call in the wake of the Celtics' win over the Cavaliers tonight.

City of Brotherly Love

Shank does a Boston - Philadelphia sports history column before last night's 2 - 1 Bruins loss to the Flyers. It's a pretty good column, with obligatory cheap shots (the 'run prevention' Red Sox and The Big Blowhard) thrown in for good measure.

Thrashed

Shank contributes his occasional Bruins column today. True to form, it comes after a painful 4 - 0 shutout, courtesy of the Flyers.

Even by Shank's standards, this is a subpar column. References abound to the Red Sox, and a Shank column just isn't the same without a bunch of references to lame, dated song lyrics. Add in a pair of tenuous assertions:

Sad, but true: The 2009-10 Philadelphia Flyers are scaring the daylights out of New England by summoning the ghosts of Messrs. Millar, Schilling, Damon, and Vinatieri, er, Varitek.

...

Six days ago the Bruins beat the Flyers in Philly, 4-1, to take a 3-0 series lead. We all figured the Flyers would roll over at home in Game 4.

...and you have another fine piece of work from the Boston Globe's 'ace' sports columnist. Compare and contrast this 'effort' to the one he wrote yesterday for CNN / SI; it's like night & day.

A sixth seed is playing a seventh seed and it never seems to occur to Shank that this might be the logical outcome of said series.

Great Moments In Boston Mayor Speech Giving History

To those of you unfamiliar with the Churchillian oratory prowess of the current mayor of Boston, I present the most recent example:

Menino was talking about great athletic feats in Boston history, and called them “ionic” moments (see the :35 second mark).

Ion storms are dangerous. We've been warned!

Maybe he meant bionic? Who the hell knows?

But wait - there's more!

“In Boston, we have an amazing set of remarkable athletes whose actions have become ionic (sic) in sports,” Menino said. “Havlicek stole the ball, Fisk waiving the ball fair, Flutie launching the Hail Mary pass, Varitek splitting the uprights.”

What Mayor Menino meant to say was kicker Adam Vinatieri’s name. Vinatieri booted the game-winning 48-yard field goal in 2002 to help the New England Patriots beat the St. Louis Rams in the Super Bowl, 20-17, as time expired.

Something got booted, all right...

Panic Button

After the Red Sox got clobbered again by the Yankees on Saturday, 14 - 3, Shank unloads on the front office:

I don’t want to panic or overreact, but is it possible the Red Sox season is already over?

If Shank didn't panic or overreact, half his columns would disappear.

Was run prevention a giant sack of fool’s gold?

Did Theo Epstein know this might be coming when he talked about the bridge year?

I’m being silly, right? The Sox (ghoulish 14-3 losers to the Yankees yesterday) have played only 31 games, 20 percent of the schedule. In past years we have seen 14-game deficits erased after July 20. There’s tons of time. The season has only just begun.

Thus the tone for the rest of the column is set. We are treated to a few standard Shankisms ('Your Sox', 'Theo and the minions', 'immortal') and lots of doom and gloom with respect to the upcoming road trip. The only thing missing is an explicit 'I told you so' from Shank.

In other words, it's a standard Shank column.

UPDATE at 1:12 PM - Deadspin piles on.

Shelled... and Shanked

Choosing between last night's trio of Celtics, Bruins and Red Sox games was difficult for most of us 'root root root' types (I went with Celtics & Bruins myself). Shank chose the Red Sox and watched as Josh Beckett got shelled in the sixth inning. Another deployment of the annoying and overused 'immortal' is noted in reference to Yankees catcher Francisco Cervelli.

Earlier in the week Shank summed up Game 2 of Celtics - Cavaliers, a blowout win for the Celtics. Last night, Cleveland returned serve.

I Love Cleveland

Expecting a column on last night's Celtics win over the Cavaliers, and the first good game from Rasheed Wallace since joining the team, we are instead treated to Shank's new favorite city:

CLEVELAND — I love this town.

That’s right. Cleveland. You call it “The Mistake By the Lake.’’ You make it a punch line for every Rust Belt joke.

Not me. I call it a once-great American city in need of a comeback . . . and a championship, of course.

No fooling. Cleveland is great. It’s got a real downtown. It’s got clean, wide streets that are (unfortunately) never crowded with traffic nor people. Cleveland’s got cab drivers who speak English and know their way around town. Many of them remember when Jim Brown toted the pigskin for the Browns and when Rocky Colavito hit majestic homers for the Tribe.

It's a decent article but would have been better timed between Games 1 and 2.

Stack 'Em High

Shank focuses on LeBron James in yesterday's dispatch from Cleveland. While recognizing the two-time MVP as the best player in the league, he states the semi-obvious: LeBron needs to win championships to be considered one of the greatest to ever play the game. That's interesting, considering how he leads off:

Sorry, I know this is sacrilegious, but I’ll always be a Wilt Chamberlain guy. The man averaged 50 points and more than 48 minutes per game over an entire season. His dominance forced multiple rule changes, including widening the lane.

You can’t go wrong with Bill Russell, of course. He won 11 championships in 13 NBA seasons. Russell never lost an NCAA Tournament game, an Olympic game, or a Game 7. Including Game 5’s (in best-of-five series), Russell went 21-0 in those contests.

You can't go wrong, but sometimes you manage to...

Old School

Shank offers a few reasons why the Celtics lost to the Cavaliers last night:

And then it was just . . .

Old.

...

And then the big lead evaporated faster than you could say “Rasheed Wallace.’’

...

...but in the end it was the Celtics who looked worn down.

Old bones.

...

This is the last roundup for the old guard.

Old starters and Rasheed Wallace, The Human Pylon. This will be a tough series to watch.

Going Green

Our Danny Boy repeats his prediction from nearly a fortnight ago:

The Celtics will beat the Cavaliers in Round 2 of the NBA playoffs.

There. I said it.

Call me a knucklehead. Call me old-school. Call me a fool (Cedric Maxwell did). This was my pick before the start of the playoffs.

It's right there in black and white, on the sports pages of The Boston Globe on April 15:

"I'm picking the old green guys to at least make it to the Eastern Conference Finals. That means they'll beat Miami in the first round, then beat Cleveland in the second round.''

I think he's putting too much faith in Rasheed Wallace coming through in any meaningful way, and he's definitely putting way too much stock in the following:

The Cavaliers carry the weight of all Cleveland teams that failed in the last half-century. They are burdened by Earnest Byner's fumble and John Elway's Drive, and Jose Mesa spitting the bit in the 1997 World Series. Clevelanders live with the Curse of Rocky Colavito. The Cavaliers have not recovered from the stunning loss to the Magic in last year's conference finals. They play with the pressure of knowing that LeBron might be gone at season's end.

You know, you could probably write a book on such a phenomenon...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing

Since Shank cannot be bothered to write about two professional sports teams currently in the playoffs (Bruins & Celtics) or the Red Sox for the past four days, here's something to pass the time - is it called cause and effect?

Circulation at major newspapers around the country, including The Boston Globe and The Boston Herald, continued to drop as more readers get their news online, according to new figures released today.

The Globe's daily circulation fell 23.2 percent to 232,432 in the six-month period that ended in March, compared to the same period a year ago, according to the Audit Bureau of Circulations. The Globe's Sunday circulation dropped 18.8 percent to 378,949.

The trend seems to be accelerating.

One commenter insists that the Globe ain't going anywhere. Wouldn't the environment be better served with less newspapers printed, thus saving key portions of the rainforest?

More Hondo, And More

You turn your back for one day, and what happens? Shank comes out with three columns, that's what.

Shank compares Glen Davis to Hondo and other Celtics:

No problem. In the proud tradition of Frank Ramsey, John Havlicek, and Kevin McHale, Glen Davis reminded us that he’s good enough to start every night in the NBA. Baby Grande torched the Heat last night, scoring a bull-rush 23 points with eight rebounds in 29 minutes of a too-easy 106-77 Game 2 victory.

Shank then doubles up on Beatles (ok, one John Lennon) song references when discussing Red Auerbach:

Kevin Garnett, Boston’s most important player, could not play in the second game of the Celtics-Heat first-round playoff series. When Kendrick Perkins and Jermaine O’Neal jumped center just after 8 p.m., Garnett was reported to be watching from an office inside the New Garden. The combustible KG was serving a one-game suspension for throwing an elbow in a stupid incident that unfolded near the Miami bench in the final minute of Game 1.

Red never would have allowed this to happen. In Red’s world, you instigate, then let the other team get penalized for hitting back. Or maybe you send Jim Loscutoff into a game to mix it up with Wilt Chamberlain, hoping they both get ejected. You’ll gladly swap Loscy for Wilt. It’s a good deal for the Celtics.

Losing Garnett while the Heat lose no one? That’s a horrible deal. It’s an example of the Celtics getting whupped at the game Red invented.

It would not be incorrect to say that Red wrote the book on basketball gamesmanship. Because . . . Red literally wrote the book on basketball gamesmanship.

Then Shank watched the Bruins in double overtime while working in a Simon & Garfunkel reference:

The Bruins last night beat the Sabres, 3-2, on Miroslav Satan’s backhander past Ryan Miller in the eighth minute of the second overtime. Boston takes a 3-1 series lead back to Niagara Falls tomorrow night.

After a spring in which we worried about early tee times for our winter franchises, the Celtics and Bruins are both on track to make it into the second round. Certainly there will be no sounds of silence on Causeway Street this month.

Marathon Man

Shank covers two Boston sporting events on Monday:

Early in the afternoon, there were thousands of people running toward Kenmore Square, their faces twisted, their pain obvious at the end of an excruciating ordeal. Some needed medical treatment.

Those were the Red Sox fans, beating feet out of Fenway Park after another hideous (8-2) loss to the Tampa Bay Rays.

The Marathon runners? Most of them were doing pretty well by comparison. Running 26.2 miles is a piece of cake compared with watching the local baseball team these days. In April 2010, the Fenway mound is Heartbreak Hill.

The Celtics New Star - Hondo?

In the giddy aftermath of the Celtics 85-76 win over the Heat last night, Shank cuts loose with some serious bullshit:

Those Celtics had a star in his prime named John Havlicek, and who would have guessed that mercurial Tony Allen would morph into the Hondo of the new century?

It’s true. Allen was Mr. Sixth Man last night, beating the Heat with All-Star defense and a surprise surge of scoring. He played 29 Havlicekian minutes, scoring 14 points with three steals and two blocks, guarding Dwyane Wade for most of the second half. All this came on the night Allen won the Comcast SportsNet Sixth Star Award.

“The key for us was the defense Tony Allen did on Dwyane Wade,’’ said Celtics captain Paul Pierce.

Tony had a good game, granted, but now he's the new Hondo? This notion is too absurd to need refuting.

Not absurd is the following observation:

As for “Big Game’’ Rasheed Wallace, he scored 4 points with one rebound in 14 minutes. Maybe he’s saving his energy for the next round.

It takes a lot of energy for a 6' 10" forward to hang out near the top of the key and jack up three pointers...

Steppin' Up

That was Shank's challenge to the Boston Celtics, who host the Miami Heat for the first round of playoff basketball.

Shank makes another fearless prediction:

I’m picking the old green guys to at least make it to the Eastern Conference finals. That means they’ll beat Miami in the first round, then beat Cleveland in the second round.

That’s right. They’ll beat Cleveland. The Cavs have the best record in basketball and they have LeBron James, but the Celtics match up well with Cleveland and the Cavaliers know it.

I hope they can pull this off, but I won't be this bold.

Shank also throws in a column during a rain delay. These aren't the highest quality of column types, but at least it's a good use of time during a rain delay.

And Now For Some Boston Globe Bashing

After months of grueling, contentious negotiations with the Boston Globe's parent company, the New York Times, the Boston Newspaper Guild agreed to huge pay cuts designed to save $10 million for the struggling regional newspaper in an industry in a death spiral.

How does the ownership of the New York Times express solidarity with their union members? By rewarding themselves with massive pay raises!

Top executives at the beleaguered New York Times Company reaped hefty rewards last year, with Chairman Arthur "Pinch" Sulzberger more than doubling his total compensation to $6 million.

CEO Janet Robinson got even more, reaping $6.3 million, a 31.9 percent hike.

The pay numbers were disclosed in Securities and Exchange Commission filings yesterday.

The increases come against a backdrop of declining ad revenue, layoffs, frozen pension plans, unpaid vacations and a 5 percent pay cut for most of the rank-and-file workers last year.

Reaction to the executive compensation restructuring was wholly supportive:

"Our members are really unhappy with what is happening," said Bill O'Meara, master of the understatement president of the Newspaper Guild of New York. "They made a voluntary sacrifice to give up some of their pay to help the company out. People are losing their jobs still."

One corporate governance expert warned that even if a publicly traded company's compensation committee OK'd the compensation, it could backfire in the court of public opinion.

"I think the board may want to weigh the consequences of rewarding their executives, who may be worthy of the increases, against the damage that may occur to the company's reputation," said William Sannwald, a business professor at San Diego State University.

Michael Golden, a first cousin of Pinch's who is vice chairman and chief operating officer of the Times' Regional Media Group, took home $2.4 million in total compensation last year, up 71 percent. CFO Jim Folo received a 20 percent boost, earning $1.3 million.

In other words, 60 percent of the monetary concessions made by the Boston Newspaper Guild went into the pockets of three New York Times executives. It's worth remembering this the next time the Boston Globe / New Your Times editorial writers sanctimoniously lecture you about the virtues of unions while their ownership is simultaneously pissing on their own unions...

Save The Environment By Recycling!

Shank follows up his Thursday Globe David Ortiz column with a Monday David Ortiz column at the CNN / SI website. He borrows aplenty from the Thursday column, updates it for a few more weak Ortiz games, and voila! It's nice to know Shank cares enough about his environment to recycle.

This one from the CNN / SI article jumped out at me (emphasis added):

There's also speculation that he used performance-enhancing drugs. Last summer The New York Times revealed that Ortiz was among one of the 104 major leaguers who tested positive when all players submitted to drug testing in 2003. The Major League Players Association rushed to Ortiz' defense and childish Sox owner John Henry stated, "David said he didn't do it,'' but the damage was done.

While I don't expect Shank to be a lapdog to ownership, his current attitude towards Henry stands in sharp contrast to this column from October 2008. With respect to this one item, my opinion of Shaughnessy is somewhere between 'typical Shank backstabbing' and 'classless prick'.

Man For All Seasons

Shank keeps the Boston College theme going for another article, writing about BC's athletic director Gene DeFilippo and the 24 / 7 search for a basketball coach that resulted in the hiring of Cornell's Steve Donahue.

We Are The Champions

Boston College wins its fourth national championship in hockey last night, defeating Wisconsin 5 - 0. Shank waxes ecstatic about the composition of the team:

The BC goalie is from East Falmouth. One of the captains is from Milton, Massachusetts. They’ve got players from Weymouth, Boxford, Springfield, Reading, Braintree, Dorchester, Shrewsbury, and Needham. They’ve got a skater from Biddeford, Maine, and another one from Wallingford, Conn.

Oh, the coach is a New Englander, too. Try to find somebody in Watertown who hasn’t bumped into Jerry York at the Dunkin’ Donuts on Mt. Auburn Street.

So glad Shank's shredding that parochial New England attitude...

Hockeytown

Shank pens a pair of pretty good articles about Boston College's hockey team and the senior captains (three from the hockey team, one from the baseball team) that share the same dorm room / apartment on the BC campus.

BC plays the Badgers of Wisconsin tonight for the college hockey championship. Win or lose, expect Shank to make at least one cheesy reference in tomorrow's column.

Go Eagles!

The Decline And Fall

...of David Ortiz is the topic du jour of Shank's Thursday column. Although it may seem shortsighted to give Ortiz this much scrutiny this early into the season, there were plenty of signs over the past two years that Ortiz has peaked as a batter, so Shank's not exactly treading new ground here. Maybe Ortiz turns it around, maybe he doesn't, but there's not a lot of room for optimism on this subject.

Two Down, 160 To Go

Shank recaps the last two Red Sox games. While there are many good points made in the article, Shank can barely contain his glee when sarcastically writing about the 'Run Prevention Sox':

■ You knew it was going to be bad when the Run Prevention Sox made their first error of 2010. And it was. The Sox and Yankees were locked in a 4-4 game in the eighth last night when Derek Jeter hit a routine grounder to short with two on and two out. Marco Scutaro’s throw bounced in front of Kevin Youkilis and everybody was safe.

What could we say other than, “Lugo would have made the play, Renteria would have made the play, Nick Green would have made the play’’? Naturally, Hideki Okajima walked the next batter and the Yankees went ahead, 5-4, on the way to a 6-4 win. It’ll probably be Boston’s only unearned run all season, but it hurt nonetheless.

Shank writes about Odd Couples:

■ There’s a catching problem in New York. Last night’s Yankee battery featured Burnett throwing to Jorge Posada. This is like pairing Nomar Garciaparra and Curt Schilling on the set of “Baseball Tonight.’’ It’s awkward. It’s two guys who don’t work well together and don’t care for one another.

You learn something new every day!

Shank then sets his sights on Red Sox ownership:

■ The Sox’ home sellout streak reached 552 last night. Boston’s immature owners (Tom Werner went on NESN’s pregame show last night and twice spanked “journalists’’ who raised questions about the club’s operation) want us to promote the brand and tell you that everything is swell in Red Sox Nation. But the sellout streak is in jeopardy, and some serious house-papering will be needed to keep the streak going this year.

So an owner defends his team against 'journalists', and somehow that makes him immature? Maybe there's something in those interviews that we didn't see, but don't you think Shank's probably taking this one personally? When I think immature owners, Mark Cuban comes to mind, and that's about it.

These dinosaur media types really hate it when they're challenged, don't they?

Dancin' With The Shanks

Shank's latest column focuses on yesterday's dog and pony show, know to the rest of us as Tiger Woods' latest press conference.

One of yesterday’s questions started with, “Tiger, after what you’ve been through the last five months . . .’’

Stop. This is not a guy coming back from flying 39 combat missions over Korea. This is not a guy coming back from leukemia or a death in the family. Let’s admit that some of the salacious stuff is none of our business, but could we please not paint Tiger Woods as a comeback hero? I fear that’s the way it’s going to be framed this week at friendly Augusta (“A tradition like no other’’).

It’s always been about image with Tiger and it’s no different now.

While I largely agree with these sentiments, compare and contrast this article with Shank's previous column on Tiger. It's fair to say the previous article stands in contrast with the current article.

In the middle of the 35-minute session, Tiger looked out at the group and said, “A lot of my friends are in here. A lot of you in here are my friends and will always be my friends.’’

Geez. Nomar and Schill never said that to me.

I think the word Shank is looking for here is 'asshole'.

When faced with a couple of tougher questions, Tiger went to his Bill Belichick playbook.

Asked what he was in treatment for, Woods said, “That’s personal. Thank you.’’

When Shank compares your answer to Bill Belichick, you know exactly where you stand with Shank. In the doghouse.

Red Sox Lead The A.L. East

Shank recaps last night's 9-7 Red Sox win over the Yankees. Even with the target rich environment of Pedro Martinez, Curt Schilling and Nomar Garciaparra, there were no cheap shots to be had in the column. Must be the Opening Day spirit...

Play Ball!

Shank hearlds the unofficial beginning of spring as the Red Sox take on the Yankees to open the 2010 season. It's a decent enough article, although it reads a bit tedious and underwhelming.

Running The Numbers

Shank doesn't actually run the numbers (that would be too much work), but he uses a few hundred words to say this:

Welcome to the world of run prevention and the quantification of defense. Say hello to your 2010 Red Sox, who will try to convince you that a team with Mike Cameron in center and Jacoby Ellsbury in left is better than a team with Ellsbury in center and Jason Bay (36 homers, 119 RBIs) in left.

Thus the template for the 2010 Boston Red Sox is set. If / when the Red Sox lose a couple of low-scoring games, he'll bang out a few columns citing the lack of offense as the reason while saying "I told you so". It's nice to know the lineup in advance...

A Righteous Column By Shaughnessy

Just read it.

Shank Goes National

Writing the obligatory underdog column about last night's Cornell (+8.5) vs. Kentucky basketball game results in lots of positive feedback from Wildcat fans:

■“You can have Boston, the Northeast, Ted Kennedy, and the Red Sox.’’

■“I’d be hard-pressed to think of a more inane, pointless profession than a sports writer — Wait, I got it . . . how about signholder — you know the guy who holds a small placard and stands right outside of the business he’s promoting. That guy . . . that’s who you are Dan.’’

■“You and many others, especially the eastern and northeastern press, love to hammer lowly ‘hillbilly’ Kentucky for no reason while lettin the same stuff we are accused of go unreported with northeastern teams.’’

■“You should be ashamed of your elitist self. Tough job market? For the Ivy League Cornell players, that’s laughable. Try the job market for Kentucky seniors. The Cornell players have been handed everything their entire lives.’’

■ “While many people in my state can only laugh at your intolerable lack of sports knowledge and your ‘please pick me’ infatuation with appealing to people’s underdog bones, I actually feel pity for you.’’

■“Your [sic, told you] a disgrace to your paper and your readers. Know your facts a little better before you go and play the ‘world against Cornell’ role up next time. Also, what exactly are you implying by using the words ‘bags of cash’ to run a Kentucky program?

■ “Boston makes Mississippi and Alabama look progressive on race relations — proud of that, are ya?’’

■“I am a graduate of the University of Kentucky from the year of our Lord 2008, and I take superlative umbrage to your comments regarding the Cornell/UK basketball game.’’

Thanks to Shank, the image of the stodgy, elitist New Englander is further entrenched...

Grinding The Axe

Following Nomar Garciaparra's 'retirement' as a member of the Red Sox last week, Shank dreams up other Red Sox retirement scenarios involving Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, Grady Little and Jurrasic Carl Everett, with some sand kicked in the face of Lou Merloni.

The one word summary - pathetic.

Lack of Effort

That's Shank's basic complaint about the Bruins in their 3-0 loss to Pittsburgh on Thursday night.

Two thoughts: I have a similar feeling after reading this column. And Shank has this knack for kicking a team when they're down...

Dave M Calls It

Well, not a tough call, mind you, but Dave M. comments in the previous thread:

I can hear Shaughnessy now - "he quit on the Sox" - "lasting image of him sulking as he watched Jeter dive over the rail...."; "he was never happy in boston" " he hated the media"; and "it's insidious to think he would actually work for espn" etc etc

God, please spare us

Let's see how close this prediction measures up to reality:

Dan Shaughnessy

In historically bad taste here

----------

Great player.

Total fraud.

Welcome home, Nomie.

I hate to be the turd fly in the punch bowl here, but yesterday’s lovefest involving Nomar Garciaparra and the Red Sox was truly nauseating. If Nomar had been hooked up to a polygraph, the machine would have exploded.

Funny how a guy who delighted in taking shot after shot at Nomar can write the following with no hint of irony:

Do not be fooled. Life is long and people change. There is certainly every possibility that Nomar has matured and will henceforth pledge allegiance to Boston and spread the Gospel of the Red Sox. But it’s downright fraudulent to deny or ignore how bad this relationship was at the end. Nomar hated Boston and the Red Sox in 2004, and the Sox knew they had to get rid of him if they had a chance to win a World Series. It was nasty and personal and it was obvious to everyone who was around the team in that iconic season.

Shank amply contributed to the situation he now mocks as fraudulent. I'd say that's a pretty strong example of hypocrisy, yes?

In yesterday’s sorry spirit of disingenuousness and hypocrisy, Garciaparra announced that he has taken a job with ESPN. This makes him a member of the media, which is like Sarah Palin telling us she is going to be chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

One wonders if Shank can review his columns on Nomar over the years and reach the same conclusion.

Walking Tall

Shank returns from sunny Fort Myers to watch Cohasset high school win its second girls basketball state championship. As with nearly all his articles that don't deal with professional athletes, it is well written and venom free. There's a bonus Red Auerbach mention; unfortunately there's no room for the obligatory Larry Bird reference.

Two In The Hat

The suddenly prolific Shank bangs out two more columns this weekend, profiling Jonathan Paplebon, or, as Yosemite Sam used to say in the last century:

It was the first time we’d seen the big galoot since he was pummeled in the final inning of the 2009 season - the one and only hiccup in an illustrious postseason career.

I think that was a compliment; we'll know for sure if Paplebon blows a few saves.

Shank then recycles a theme from two weeks ago, decrying the blandness of hanging out in nice weather for a few weeks. It shows up in this column, as he gets pissy about blog boys, robotic Sox players, cliché-talkin Sox players, The Bland Sox, pink hats, and (wait for it)...

Much as it kills me to say this, the Bland Sox could use a guy like the Big Blowhard right about now.

What's also bland is using the same theme from two weeks ago to write this column.

Believe The Hype

Shank lays it on thick in yesterday's column, discussing a young pitching prospect for the Sox:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - It was only one inning. It was against a college team. But maybe someday we’ll tell our grandchildren about it. Maybe someday City of Palms Park will be renamed “Casey Kelly Field.’’

...

And now he is a 20-year-old starter getting more hype than perhaps any pitcher in the Sox system since Roger Clemens was drafted after winning the 1983 College World Series at the University of Texas.

Kelly is 6 feet 3 inches, 195 pounds, and keeps his hair Hoosier-short. Everything about him says “future ace.’’ He is the second-highest-ranked Baseball America prospect in the Sox system. But unlike the young Clemens, he is poised, well-mannered, respectful, and cheerful. Kelly said the thing that made him most nervous yesterday was throwing to a veteran like Victor Martinez. He said Martinez wanted the young pitcher to shake him off a couple of times to confuse the hitters. Kelly couldn’t do it. Too green. Too polite.

Night In The Ruts

Proving once again that a week in Red Sox training camp means running out of things to write, Shank poses the eternal question:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Cup or no cup? That is the question.

It’s a delicate issue regarding a delicate area. The punch lines are infinite, but it’s not funny when a guy gets hit in his testicles and he’s not covered by the triangular hard-shell plastic designed to protect a man’s private parts.

I think I should have put a cup on before reading this article...

Aces High

In today's column Shank has few questions about the Red Sox starting pitching.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Three aces. Three guys who won the deciding game of a World Series. All before the age of 25.

Jon Lester was 23 when he got the start in the fourth game of the 2007 World Series. He pitched 5 2/3 shutout innings, allowing three hits and walking three with three strikeouts. Lester was the winning pitcher in the Red Sox’ 4-3 clincher at Coors Field.

Josh Beckett was 23 when he took the ball for the Marlins in the sixth game of the 2003 World Series at Yankee Stadium. He pitched a five-hit shutout, beating the Yankees, 2-0, and was named Series Most Valuable Player. He was the youngest pitcher (23 years 5 months 10 days) to win a deciding Series game since Bret Saberhagen in 1985.

Rookie Angels righty John Lackey had just turned 24 when he started the seventh game of the 2002 Series against the Giants. Lackey went five innings, giving up one run on four hits and fanning four before turning a 4-1 lead over to Brendan Donnelly. Lackey faced Barry Bonds twice that night, getting Bonds on a liner to short, then surrendering an infield hit to the single-season home run king in the fourth inning. Lackey became the first rookie starter to win a seventh game of the Series since the immortal Babe Adams beat the Tigers for Pittsburgh in 1909.

Behold! The return of the most annoying adjective in Shank's arsenal!

It's refreshing to see him acknowledge the obvious strength of the Red Sox, at least this week.

Time To Break Camp

...when you're reduced to writing borderline articles like this one:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Thirty years ago, the Yankees had a young shortstop prospect named Andre Robertson who arrived at the big league clubhouse and asked if he could wear No. 3.

It was taken. Retired by some guy named Ruth.

Pete Sheehy, the guy who issued Yankee numbers starting in 1927, was still working with the Bronx Bombers when Robertson asked about 3. Sheehy was not amused. Robertson broke into the majors wearing No. 55 for the Yankees. He later upgraded/downsized to 18.

Numbers are no small deal for big league ballplayers. Jim Leyritz asked for No. 113 when he came to the Red Sox. Darren Bragg wore No. 56 because he liked Lawrence Taylor. John Valentin always liked 13. Mike Lowell has been a good fit for 25 even though a lot of us think the number should have been retired in honor of the late Tony Conigliaro.

No Offense

Keeping his consecutive article streak alive at five, Shank discusses the irritation factor among some members of the Boston Red Sox by questioning their offensive abilities.

It's tough to understand how such notions take hold, isn't it?

Shank Hits For The Cycle

Four in a row - I'm shocked!

Shank's on a tear this week, writing today about Red Sox owner John Henry. It's a generally favorable article to Mr. Henry, which is a marked departure from this 10 week old stemwinder.

The Other Big Question

What's gotten into Shank lately? Three articles in as many days? I'm shocked, I tell you!

Shank's question: Will Big Papi return to form? Summary - he's not sure.

This is amusing:

When a reporter remarked on his relatively svelte figure, Ortiz said, “You ought to see me naked.’’ Later, he explained that he’ll never look like Ricky Martin (love those dated references),

We're aware of that, Shank...

Signs Read

Lacking other things to write about, Shank speculates on Josh Beckett's future with the Red Sox.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Anybody feel good about the odds of Josh Beckett returning to the Red Sox after this season?

Like a little boy getting a flu shot, Beckett did his bit with the Mass(achusetts) media yesterday. He came in from his workout and sat before nine television cameras and dozens of microphones, and took questions from curious minds. He made it pretty clear that he won’t be crying about his contract all year.

Condescending tone aside, the rest of the article is standard fare.

Weekend Roundup

Shank has rare back to back columns, the first on the android disguised as Tiger Woods press conference, the second on Red Sox spring training.

The Tiger column was a decent read. The Red Sox column was a bit more entertaining:

It was all about the baseball, and it made me miss the bad old days of players arriving late, out of shape, and disgruntled. It made me long for the days when the Rocket would go AWOL and Pedro would snub the franchise to stay in the Dominican for dad’s birthday.

That's Theo's way of saying "No more easy columns for you, Dan."

I've also noticed trace amounts of self-deprecation in recent articles:

Some of us (the same nitwits who worry about offense) question the reliability of modern defensive statistics.

...

But can you jazz things up down here, just a little?

“We’ll try,’’ he said. “I could light my hair on fire . . . or yours.’’

Come on baby, light my fire!

Custer's Last Stand

That's Shank's summary of the 2009-2010 Boston Celtics. It's not exactly a news flash for those that follow the Celtics with any regularity, and Shank overstates matters just a little bit:

In the weeks after Christmas the Celtics became a wounded and unlikable band of underachievers. They were big on attitude, small on work ethic. Impressed with past achievements, convinced they could summon the old dominance any time they pleased, they blew 10 double-digit leads. They became the kind of team we scorn here in Boston. Now they are in the process of trying to earn our love again.

I'm pretty sure the Celtics are more concerned with winning games and getting home court advantage for the playoffs than with 'earning our love'. Good grief...

Picking Up My Own Pieces Column

Shank had a pair of CNN / SI articles during the last week or so. I think both articles articles are solid and well written, a further devaluation of my column convergence theory. I'm hoping time will even things out...

Another Picked Up Pieces Column

Shank treats us to the columnist's version of the mulligan. There are a few interesting tidbits, but it's more accurate to describe this particular column as 'something written after a Super Bowl hangover', including shots at Bill Belichick, Nomar Garciaparra, Kevin Garnett, and, yes, there's an Elvis sighting.

One nitpick - it's 'Baba O'Riley'. At least he didn't call it 'Teenage Wasteland'. Nice editing job, guys...

Um, About That Peyton Manning Column...

In a refreshing twist, Shank comes as close to an apology that we've seen in ages:

Whoops.

OK, maybe I jumped the gun a little. I got caught up in the moment. On the eve of the Super Bowl, I wrote that Peyton Manning was better than Tom Brady. I was positively Peytonized. And as Rick Pitino once said, “that’s how I felt at the time.’’

Fortunately, this is sports and opinions change every day. Now that Manning lost the Super Bowl with his Favre-like pick six, he’s a mere .500 quarterback (9-9) in postseason play. He’s still two rings shy of Brady, who is 14-4 in NFL tournament play.

Reader feedback was constructive:

■“Dan - You are like a TV weatherman in New England. How much of the time are you really seriously right? Would you like some seasoning with your order of crow? Better luck next time.’’

■“I understand you got an assignment to write some usual BS for the Super Bowl. That’s how you get paid. But, you have to get into people’s nerves and create some controversy in order for some people to read your stuff; know that I am being polite with the word ‘stuff.’ ’’

You have to give Shank some credit here, right?

A Slight Retraction

Shank writes about New Orleans' win in yesterday's Super Bowl, and revisits part of Saturday's column:

This game was supposed to be the coronation of Peyton Manning (hard to believe some nitwits were actually saying he’s better than Tom Brady)...

Thicker Than Water

Shank pens a good article about the bloody obvious Archie Manning Angle, parents who want their kids to win the big games, even if it's against the parent's old team.

Torch Passed

Sure to get a few knickers in a twist in this neck of the woods, Shank hereby declares Peyton Manning a better quarterback than Tom Terrific:

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - Peyton Manning is better than Tom Brady.

There. I said it. Call the cops. Have me arrested and sentenced to 10 years of hard time watching “Patriots All Access’’ and listening to programs called “Patriots Monday’’ and “Patriots Friday’’.

Sorry, folks. Sometimes the truth hurts. And the truth is that outside New England, this argument is over. Everywhere else in the continental United States. The proverbial ship has sailed and its name is the SS Peyton.

And yet back in Patriot country, fans soldier on, clinging to the past, unwilling to acknowledge the obvious.

Manning is better.

Sorry, Tom. Shank's just not into you anymore...

...

He wasn’t better in the first half of the decade, when Brady was orchestrating the comebacks and winning three Super Bowls, going a perfect 9-0 in the playoffs. He wasn’t better when Ty Law picked off three of his passes in the 2003 AFC Championship game at the Razor. And Manning couldn’t get his team in the end zone in the 2004 AFC Divisional playoff game at frosty Gillette, remember?

But that was then. This is now. For those of us living in the present, it’s time to give up the Ghost of Tom and face the truth.

Who says irony is dead?

The Sorry State Of Massachusetts

Shank went to the Beanpot on Monday night and couldn't get 'fired up' about it:

I went to the Beanpot last night and tried to get fired up about the whole thing.

...

Here’s what really killed me. Last night’s Harvard roster had only one guy from Massachusetts (Chris Huxley of Weymouth). Harvard had 11 players from Canada, one from Sweden, and one from Croatia. Boston University, last year’s national champion, featured two kids from Massachusetts (out of 21). Northeastern had four Bay Staters and Boston College a whopping 11.

Not to sound like a WTKK talk show host, but the lack of locals took something out of it for me. What happened to the days of Peabody’s Bobby Carpenter on the cover of Sports Illustrated? The days of Charlestown’s Jackie O’Callahan, Scituate’s Dave Silk, and Winthrop’s Mike Eruzione winning Olympic gold? Jim Craig going from Oliver Ames to Boston University to Lake Placid?

I don't know; times change, perhaps?

U.S.S. AARP?

That's how Shank describes the current Boston Celtics team. It's a solid column that neatly sums up the season, with the injuries to KG taking front and center.

So much for that column convergence theory, unless I'm just one key injury away...