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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Water on His Brain

Perhaps The CHB slipped in the wet grass at Fenway and pulled a muscle in his brain, because he is really reaching today.

Seeking yet once again to make a mountain out of a wad of Terry Francona's chewing tobacco, he goes off on the Sox (or $ox, as he uses, apparently ignorant of the cliche) for having the gall not to call the game well in advance of the scheduled gate opening time, a move he claims was made for the sake of a few bucks.

And let's face it: None of these conditions (high cost of tickets and concessions, expensive parking, the advertising around the stadium) exist because Mother Nature decided to deposit a few million gallons of the Atlantic on top of Boston proper. This is a situation that has been brewing for years.

Conveniently, Dan forgets all that. At the season's opening he waxed on about how beautiful the renovated Fenway looked, ignoring that the bandbox in the Fens simply cannot through traditional avenues generate the revenue the team feels it needs to compete (not to mention finance the awesome debt the owners took on).

Dan is clearly trying to reinvent himself as the voice of the little man. Well, he has a little man's voice alright.

Sox owner John Henry took umbrage at the allegation. Dan quotes him as saying:
That's a cheap shot at our integrity. We're not going to make our fans suffer just to sell hot dogs. In 2002, we canceled a game at 9:30 in the morning and then the sun came out. It's very hard to predict the weather in Boston. If we knew we weren't going to play, we wouldn't have sent [Josh] Beckett down to get warm. We heard it was going to be misty. It really didn't start raining until 10 after 8.
The CHB counters by arguing that Sox management could have known what to do simply by heading to the farms:
Henry and Co. should have checked with any local dairy farmer. Take it from one who grew up in Groton, everybody knows it's going to rain when the cows are lying down in the pasture, and the cattle were definitely horizontal Tuesday.
So Dan grew up in a pasture. That explains why he's so full of shit.

25 comments:

Irregaahhdless said...

Of all the craptacular columns submitted by the CHB, this one has to be near the top of the list.

Is the CHB supposed to be on the side of the common fan here? Please! And who is he to rip the Sox for trying to make a buck (which I don't think was the case with the delayed postponement Tuesday). The CHB invented a "curse" to sell books and make money off Sox fans!

Oh, yeah, and I guess we're supposed to check cow fields in Groton when determining whether to play baseball games on a particular night. Because, well, that makes a whole lot of sense.

By the way, I especially enjoyed this line from the CHB:

"The story contained no inside info that couldn't be gleaned by a fan with access to the Internet"

Hey, just like every one of his columns!

At least Dan kept it timely with a Grey Poupon joke. In his next column, the CHB will detail when he called the Sox front office and asked if they had Prince Albert in a can.

Christ, he sucks.

Anonymous said...

Just when I start to think that he has gone as low as humanly possible, the CHB files this piece of garbage.

I'm almost ready to believe that his "story lines" are assigned by Globe management to prove that they are not influenced by the 17% ownership thing.

Anonymous said...

He is such a miserable cunt.

jenny said...

Until he comes out with a piece stating that a list of people should die in a fire, I will maintain that "Let's Iron Out This Dirty Laundry" is the worst piece of garbage he's ever written. That said, this one comes close.

"The official theme song of the 2006 Boston Red $ox is ''Ca-ching!""

Holy crap, Dan. The official theme song of EVERY TEAM IN MLB is exactly the same. Why is it unique to the 2006 Boston Red Sox? Do you ever come out of your house? Actually, scratch that, I hope you don't.

"Why did they allow faithful fans to drive one or two hours to the ballpark (don't forget the jackknifed tractor-trailer on the Southeast Expressway that created a monstrous traffic jam), pay $30 or more to park, then sit in slop for an hour or two when it was obvious there would be no baseball?"

Here's another question: Why, if it was so obvious, did the idiot fans drive all that way and pay all that money for a game they knew wasn't going to happen? BECAUSE IT WASN'T THAT OBVIOUS. Larry Lucchino, as much as it pains me to say this, is absolutely correct in his quote following this paragraph. Weather is strange this time of year, Dan, but you wouldn't know, because apparently you don't come out of your house.

"The story contained no inside info that couldn't be gleaned by a fan with access to the Internet, but the timing was abysmal and the packaging worse."

Oh my gosh, he's talking about the Dirty Laundry column! This is the most perfect description of it I've ever seen! Seriously!

"By any measurement, this was a Red Sox infomercial, a front-page story guaranteed to embolden those who believe the Globe is part of a Red Sox Cartel and certain to make life more difficult for Messrs. Snow, Edes, and all others who toil tirelessly to bring balanced coverage to our readers."

Notice he doesn't list himself. Nor should he. Because all he does is make life more difficult for Gordon Edes and Chris Snow and further the image of the Globe cartel. Does he realize how ironic this is?

"But there's little excuse for the way fans were abused Tuesday."

There's little excuse for the way fans are continually abused by your weekly pile of shit on their doorstep. Stop it.

"Though it may not seem like it, here at Cartel headquarters, we feel your pain."

This is the dumbest thing I've ever read.

Anonymous said...

Why do I get the feeling that Danny boy is feverishly masturbating as he reads these comments.

jenny said...

Well, I've checked a few other sites and the shocking consensus, which I'm beginning to turn to is:

CHB has a point with that vacation package crap. I get the Washington Post, and every so often, we get a 3-page pseudo-article about how great some country like Turkmenistan is and encouraging us to come visit. There is actual information in the article, but it's clear that it's the Turkmen Foreign Ministry tooting their own horn for tourism, and nobody's pretending anything different.

That vacation package article was really sketchy. IMO, it was an infomercial and should NOT have been on the front page of the print edition. I hate to give kudos to CHB on anything, but I think he may be right on this one. That was inappropriate.

Anonymous said...

I found these 11 instances of Shaughnessy using "grey poupon" as short hand for some stupid class warfare ethic .... whatever.

You can sign me: RR from BSMW Forum


May 4, 2003

Dan Shaughnessy

You won't hear ''Kill the ump!" or ''Yankees suck!" in the EMC Club. It goes something more like, ''Pardon me, could you pass the Grey Poupon?"


Oct 3. 2003

Dan Shaughnessy:

Indeed, there was a decided dearth of acrimony. Saturday's rowdiness yielded to "Could you pass the Grey Poupon?" as Sox fans remained under control and the ballplayers behaved professionally.

Aug 16, 2002

Dan Shaughnessy

Civilization has come to Foxborough. Football games in New England used to mean "hide the women and children." Now it's "Praise the Pats and pass the Grey Poupon."



May 21, 1999

Dan Shaughnessy

The bleachers last night had that old-timey, World Cup/hooligan atmosphere. So what will happen in the next ballyard? Will there be fights in the stands, or will Boston-New York rivals take on a "Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?" attitude when the games are played in a clean, spacious, modern facility?


April 20, 1997

Dan Shaughnessy

How boring. No board-room bloodletting. No Draft Day Altamont. No Parcells playing Keith Moon and kicking down doors. This time it was just the polite Carroll turning to Kraft and saying, "Pardon me, could you pass the Grey Poupon?"

May 8, 1995

Dan Shaughnessy

There he was again, failing to be a braggart or a jerk. Lemieux is far too calm and thoughtful for this role as Hub Hockey Bad Boy. Next thing you know, he'll be asking us if we have any Grey Poupon. No wonder everybody hates this guy.

Nov 20, 1994

Dan Shaugnessy

We had none of that here in Allston-by-the-Charles. We Are At The Grey Poupon Bowl, also known as Harvard-Yale, also known at ''The Game.''


Aug 14 1993

Dan Shaughnessy

Before Darwin left in the seventh, we saw Rickey take a called third strike, ground to third and fly out to left. Darwin stared at Henderson for a long time after the fly ball in the fifth, but none of Darwin's pitches came close to Rickey. Instead of chin music followed by a flurry of expletives, we got "Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?"

JUne 19, 1993

Dan Shaughnessy

Now we've got smiling players in the heat of battle. No one's talking trash. They dunk on each other, then say, "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Feb 25 1993

Dan Shaughnessy

There's something happening here. Everybody is too nice. We poke a little fun at ballplayers and a day later, nobody's in our face. We recommend that the manager be fired and the manager says we're still welcome in his office. We ridicule the front office ''Plan,'' and Lou Gorman says, ''Pardon me . . . do you have any Grey Poupon?''

April 27 1992

Dan Shaughnessy

The Celtics used to be all yakkity yak. Now they don't talk back. All- Star Reggie Lewis throws down a dunk, then says, ''Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?'' I don't know about you, but I miss the trash-talking days of yore. The vocal junk was an integral part of the Celtics of the '80s. Most of those Celtics had a little Chuck Person in them.

The Couch Potato said...

Predictably, on WEEI, Gerry Callahan lauded Shaughnessy for 'his stones' in writing the article. Stones?! Unless he's talking about the ones that CHB's obviously got between his ears, I'd have to disagree with Callahan. Shaughnessy writes like a desperate man: desperate for a story, an issue, attention, the lost affection of Sox management.

It seems like he's finally gotten the idea that cheap shots at Theo are not going to re-endear him to Lucchino, et al. so now he's going after the F.O. as well.

I cheered listening to Dale Arnold & Michael Holley this morning. They came about as close as I've ever heard them to calling the article flat-out stupid. They both agreed that it was 'pointless' and that CHB was 'making a mountain out of a molehill'. Dale even went so far as to suggest that Shaughnessy is going overboard in general lately.

X said...

Does he not see the irony of this comment:

"By any measurement, this was a Red Sox infomercial, a front-page story guaranteed to embolden those who believe..."

From 1990 until oh say October 2004, was his column not a running infomercial for his cleverly contrived Babe Ruth book? Hell he even tried to wring one last uptick in royalties with a rehashing of the book and then his "reversing" piece of crap.

Hello, Kettle. This is the pot. You are black. What a moron.

fadedredsoxhat said...

What a turnout we have here. Many are speaking out on the latest bird-cage liner from CHB.

CHB has no problem getting an internship for his daughter at Tom Werner's production company so I guess The "Cartel" Sox-Globe partnership is just fine when it benefits him.

Was he trying to play the role of consumer advocate/investigative journalist? How influential does he really think he is? The whole time I was reading this, I was wondering if this is his way of asking to be fired. Like when Opie & Anthony did thier "Menino Killed" bit so they would be free to go to New York. Does CHB have an offer somewhere?

ObjectiveBruce said...

Well it has now come to my attention that this dkvader or whatever has again suggested that I am on the Globe payroll. So I'll answer his foolish questions. The Globe keeps stories on its free archives for two days. On the day the world baseball column was ripped by the blogger, I checked the free archive and found the two Shaughnessy columns filed for the same day, one of which included the information the blogger was so eager to criticize the columnist for not writing, and for which he has yet to correct himself (not a surprise, but then the blogger's credibility as anything other than a knee-jerk spewer of venom has been destroyed).

By the way, the blog on the rainout column was probably the most inane yet. It's absolutely amazing how anyone can adopt this Sox=Good, Dan=Bad philosophy with a straight face -- although this blog is so absurd in its automatic condemnation of anything written by one specific individual that the notion that is it some sort of Swiftian satire has certainly crossed my mind.

Indeed, let's all worship at the altar of the Sawx, and swallow the gibberish that their greed is justified by the small size of the ballpark, when they draw more people than most clubs and charge more money than all of them. Or let's buy the baloney that the locals are somehow impoverished because outside vendors have a legal right to sell their wares outside the ballpark -- even through the club has now turned a public street into their private enclave and are trying to boost the commercialism of this ring-around-the-park Sawx Zone by running a Friday night television show devoted to promoting the "experience" of being allowed to traverse a public way and buy the team's overpriced concessions outside the park before even entering their property. The point of the Friday night NESN program is to induce fans to arrive early so they can submit to having vast sums extracted for absurdly priced bottles of water offered for sale on a city street in the dead of summer. The greedy ownership is petrified that the casual, three or four times a year, fans might --GULP-- spend their money on pregame dinner or
drinks elsewhere. That, of course, will never do, so better to come up with a program on its owned television statoin that glorifies the entire "get-there-early and SPEND" atmosphere that the club is so anxious to promote. A half-hour commercial for patronizing the outside-the-ballpark club concessions is what it is, but the sycophants justify that by saying their beloved team "needs the revenue to compete." Balderdash. They need increasing revenue to show a cash flow that will justify the sale of the club for a bundle more than they paid for it. That's the same reason they pulled the stunt by refusing to call off the second Yankee game when anyone over the age of 8 knew it had no business being played. It's about cash flow and pimping the club for sale. Is there anything more absurd than Mr. San Diego, Larry Lucchino, waxing on about New England weather?

Then there is the NASCAR appearance of the ballpark, which the Sawx knee-jerk adoring masses justify by pointing out that there were ads on the left field wall years ago, when in fact, the club managed to get along for nearly 70 years without advertising littering the wall, and only the Cities Service, Buck Printing and Jimmy Fund signs within eyeshot. Besides, the owners who put the ads up in the old days were Harry Frazee and Bob Quinn, the former known for decimating the franchise by hand-delivering Hall of Famers and near Hall of Famers to the Yankees, and not just Ruth, but Pennock, Jones, Mays, Scott, Bush, Dugan, Pipgras, while Quinn was infamous for not having two nickels to rub together, which helped to add Ruffing to the previous list.

And while we're at it, let's debunk the crap about this greedy crew "investing" in the ball park. You know who paid for the Monster Seats or the right field drunken sot pavillion? The Kansas City Royals, among others, that's who. Because the collective bargaining agreement lets a team subject to the luxury tax DEDUCT a percentage of ballpark improvements from its assessment. So the club gets to overspend on players, then when it gets slapped with the luxury tax for its attempts to buy, rather than develop, championships, it can deduct the money it uses to create new and ever more expensive seats. The Boston Red Sox increase its revenues on the backs of the game's less fortunate teams, perfectly legal, but ethically bankrupt.

Sure, go ahead, get giddy over ownership and management, and rip someone who rips them. But on the whole this knee-jerk devotion to kissing the fannies of ownership and sainted management puppets makes me wanna 'fro up.

Oh, one more thing, I have read Jenny's offerings and I must say I am impressed. She will no doubt escape with a C- in Freshman Composition and avoid summer school. Good job Jenny!!

fadedredsoxhat said...

OB, you are the only participant to this site who jumps to the defense of CHB. So whats your agenda? If you want to know mine, its simply to have fun. Thats all this is to me. I would like to know why you take it so personally. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that I don't think your name is Shaughnessy and I don't think you work for The Boston Globe either. So why would someone with no connection to CHB get all steamed up by a site like this? If someone did a "Bob Ryan Watch" and ripped apart everything he wrote, I'm not going to post stuff that makes me sound like his mother. Ryan and I don't know each other and he's a big boy who can take care of himself. I take it that you dont think CHB is a big boy who can take care of himself.

fadedredsoxhat said...

OB, you are the only participant to this site who jumps to the defense of CHB. So whats your agenda? If you want to know mine, its simply to have fun. Thats all this is to me. I would like to know why you take it so personally. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that I don't think your name is Shaughnessy and I don't think you work for The Boston Globe either. So why would someone with no connection to CHB get all steamed up by a site like this? If someone did a "Bob Ryan Watch" and ripped apart everything he wrote, I'm not going to post stuff that makes me sound like his mother. Ryan and I don't know each other and he's a big boy who can take care of himself. I take it that you dont think CHB is a big boy who can take care of himself.

jenny said...

Now I feel special. I've been singled out by OB! What an honor. I don't feel like refuting the verbal diarrhea of his post, which was basically everything CHB already wrote (including the NASCAR reference; how odd!) and we already deconstructed, but suffice it to say that I was unaware that college students had to go to summer school. I was also unaware that an undergraduate institution would offer such a retarded course as "Freshman Composition." I know mine doesn't. What sort of school did you go to, OB?

fadedredsoxhat said...

Sorry for posting the same thing twice earlier. My computer got a little wacky.

I have one more thought. I watch every Sox game on MLB.tv from my Seattle apartment. From my vantage point, I see no reason to be offended by the advertisements, or the extra seats, or the ticket prices, or the taking over of Yawkey Way, or the new radio contract, or the "infomercials" on NESN, or even the sweet little time they take calling games off. I just want to see a winner every year and I dont care how they do it. They're not breaking any laws and I'm not going to shed tears for the Kansas City Royals either.

The Couch Potato said...

OB, I'm not going to pile on with questions about who you are or what your agenda is frankly, because I think your comments speak for themselves. I would suggest a change of name, as you are hardly objective.

As a long-time Sox fan, I want to say that I have no problem with how the ownership chooses to generate revenue. It's a business, not a public charity, and everyone attending the games has made a conscious decision to spend the money. All I know or care about is that the Red Sox have been a highly competitive and very entertaining team consistently since Henry, Lucchino, & Werner set up shop on Yawkey Way.

It could be worse. We could be in a city where the ownership of a team reaps all the profit but puts nothing back into the product. Wait, I just remembered Jeremy Jacobs. (Now there's a story I would support Dan in writing!)

The Chief said...

The Red Sox made money on the backs of the Royals? That's a laugh.

The Sox paid $51 million in revenue sharing last year. Meanwhile, the Pirates, Royals and Devil Rays each earned more than $20 million.

Here's the Forbes article:http://www.forbes.com/2006/04/17/06mlb_baseball-team-valuations-cx_mo_0420sports.html

The Chief said...

I should add, Brucey boy, since facts and you don't seem to get along, the outfield walls in Fenway were for years a giant billboard. See the linkhere.

You really need to revisit your baseball history. Start with the collective bargaining agreement. It would sure open your eyes to know that owners were once so greedy that players had no say in where they played or what they were paid.

Anonymous said...

Dan (OB?) appears to have anointed himself Defender of the Public Welfare in his attacks on the business practices of the big bad Red Sox capitalists.

If there was ever a need for something like this (which there isn't, as seen by the existing streak of sold-out games), it's safe to say Shaughnessey is the last person any of us would want at helm.

Anonymous said...

Objective Bruce is really Eddie Andelman? I never saw that plot twist coming.

P.S.: OB, Mr. San Diego is from Pittsburgh. Did you find Will McDonough's enemies list in your desk this week?

fadedredsoxhat said...

Andelman couldn't possibly be objectivebruce. OB may be off the deep end but he's still articulate. I bet Eddie even types "AHHHHHHHHHH" at least every third or fourth word.

fadedredsoxhat said...

Just read Monday's column and CHB mailed it in again with yet another regurgitation of facts which is what I thought reporters, not columnists, do.

Also, will we get a correction from the Globe regarding Sunday's column:

"Wily Mo signed his first professional contract with the Mets when he was 16 years old, and he was once traded for Drew Henson"

Wrong again, CHB!!! Wily Mo signed with the Yankees and, although its not perfectly clear in the quote, Drew Henson was never Met property either.

X said...

Chief, I hear you on the lunacy of the Sox making the $$ at the expense of the Royals. Its a nice case of using selective pieces of the facts to make a point. And he did not even had the "facts" correct. The Sox actuall can deduct all of the stadium expenses from their actual revenue and then 34% of the net revenue is contributed to the central pool which is shared by all teams.

So the notion that the monster seats which generate, say, an additional $4-5 MM per year were built at the expense of the Royals is ludicrous.

Faded hat - the last thing I would want to do would be stick up for the CHB, but he is correct in his assertion that WMP was signed by the Mets and traded for Henson. WMP signed with the Mets when he was 16 but the contract was voided since they violated the rules on contracts with players under 16. He later signed with the Yankees (to a major league contract no less) but was traded to the Reds so the Yankees could get Henson back (after being traded for Denny Naegle.)

Incidentally that major league contract was pretty much the reason for Pena's slow development and likely why he is a Sox today. After 3 years he could not be sent down and thus never really got the necessary ABs in the minors while forcing the Reds to keep him on their crowded major league roster. If not for Ken Griffey Jr's annual torn ACL or hamstring, WMP would be in even worse shape.

fadedredsoxhat said...

I stand corrected then. Thank you, X.

It was the first I heard or read about the Mets signing WMP only to have it voided so naturally I thought it would be wrong since it first came from CHB. My bad. Instincts failed me.

CHB still sucks...no correction needed there.

X said...

"CHB still sucks...no correction needed there."

More true words do not exist anywhere....