The One Where Shank Lectures Red Sox Fans

First, let's shit on the 2016 Red Sox some more:

The front-running Red Sox (last nine games: eight losses, one champagne bash, five Ortiz celebrations) have slinked home for the winter, telling you that the whole staff is coming back and everything is just swell with the Local Nine. The team that scored the most runs in baseball, consensus national media darlings, got broomed by a team that didn’t have two of its best pitchers or one of its best hitters, but never mind any of that. Masters of their own hype, the Red Sox no doubt will be preseason favorites to get to the 2017 World Series. They always are . . . even though they have failed to win a playoff game in seven of the last eight Octobers.

Now that the Red Sox are out of the playoffs, you, Red Sox fans, need to jump off the bandwagon like Shank and root, root, root for someone else, like the Chicago Cubs Why's that, you ask?

If you are a Red Sox fan, the Cubs are your team the rest of the way. They are sitting on a drought of 108 years since winning their last World Series. You know what 86 years feels like. Like the Sox, the Cubs have been masters of the near-miss. They had Steve Bartman the same year the Sox had Aaron Boone. They had Leon Durham before you had Bill Buckner. They have the Billy Goat where you had the Bambino. They had the black cat before you had Bucky Dent.

They have Theo Epstein, the Brookline-born architect of the 2004 Red Sox. Theo has wingmen Jed Hoyer and Jason McLeod, the same guys who helped build the Red Sox when they were kids. The Cubs have grandpa catcher David Ross, who was one of the spiritual leaders of the 2013 Red Sox. They have John Lackey, who hated Boston, but pitched his butt off and won the final game of the 2013 World Series.

You guys remember Theo Epstein, right? The guy Shank tried running out of town one year after winning that World Series at the behest of Larry Lucchino?

Let's start with Theo being a ''baseball guy" while Larry is a lawyer with a lofty title (CEO). Granted, Epstein is a student of the game, but it's a mistake to say he knows more about baseball than Lucchino or anyone else in the Red Sox baseball operation. Theo is 31 years old and did not play baseball past high school. He spent four years at Yale and three years at law school. That hardly leaves time for much more than rotisserie league scouting. He can read the data and has a horde of trusty, like-minded minions, but we're not talking about a lifetime of beating the bushes and scouting prospects. Lucchino was a good high school baseball player and made it to the NCAA Final Four with Princeton's basketball team. He came to baseball as an executive in 1979, when Theo was 5 years old. That doesn't make him George Digby or Ray Boone, but he's not Les Otten, either.

Lucchino-bashers, and they are legion, maintain that he repeatedly has undermined Theo and on occasion killed deals made by Epstein and the minions. There was one, for sure. When Theo's assistant Josh Byrnes (hired by Arizona as GM Friday) made a deal with Colorado, Epstein thought he had a better deal with another club and requested that Lucchino fall on the sword and invoke the ownership approval clause to kill the Rockies deal. Accustomed to people hating him, Lucchino took the fall, killing the deal and saving Epstein.

It was charged last week that Sox management conducted a ''smear campaign" against Epstein. How? Where's the campaign? It was correctly reported that Theo turned down a three-year deal at $1.2 million per year. That's a smear campaign? There have been no quotes from Sox management on the negotiations. Lucchino and Epstein called me together at home Friday night but said they could say nothing about Theo's contract talks because they had not spoken with other outlets. So much for the Globe's ''home-court advantage" (the Globe's parent company, The New York Times Company, owns 17 percent of the Red Sox). So much for the cartel. In fact, Epstein's minions probably have done more talking about Theo's situation than anyone in Sox management. When postseason baseball visited Chicago, at least one nationally known Lucchino-hating Epstein source was trashing the Sox CEO to anyone who'd listen.

Question for Shank - is it still a mistake to say he knows more about baseball than Lucchino or anyone else in the Red Sox baseball operation?

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Shank often lacks self-awareness, or awareness in general:

@Dan_Shaughnessy that would be like the Boston Globe helping the Clinton campain against Bernie....oh wait.

— Yianni P. (@Yianni124) October 12, 2016

And Now For More Dan Shaughnessy Bashing

Somehow I missed this little gem from last week, involving formerly butthurt Cavaliers and Indians fans:

CLEVELAND, Ohio -- Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy wrote a piece last year that will forever remain in Clevelanders' memories.

Headlined "In long-suffering Cleveland, Cavaliers offer a ray of hope," he sounded like he was on Cleveland's team. However, the truth came out in the second paragraph when he judged the Cleveland Cavaliers staff for dropping confetti after the team beat the Boston Celtics in the opening game of the 2015 NBA Playoffs.

Shaughnessy did not stop there. He continued to rub salt in the wounds, reminding sports fans of the championship drought, urban decline and "The Decision." Those things were interspersed between a peppering of negative adjectives to describe the city.

Fast forward to October 2016: the Cavaliers are the world champions, a successful Republican National Convention came and went, and the Cleveland Indians are the AL Central champions for the first time in nine years.

The Indians face the Boston Red Sox in the first round of the MLB Playoffs, so there is a decent chance that Shaughnessy will be gracing Cleveland with his presence once again.

Cleveland.com welcomes you back with open arms, Dan.

Ah, the day Cleveland got Shanked! Well, they got the last laugh for now. Congratulations, Cleveland!

Happy 62nd, Bruce!

I've been amiss (remiss?) at congratulating the DSW's resident asshole (and former Boston Globe employee) Bruce Mo** in recent years on his continuing march towards cashing in those vaunted Social Security cheques, so Happy Belated Birthday, Brucie!

Tax policy - really? Gee, let me think really long and hard where a former lifelong Globie comes down on 'tax policy'...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XLII

This will shock exactly no one:

Staff at The Boston Globe worked with Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign to maximize her “presence” during her primary race against Sen. Bernie Sanders, new emails show.

The exchange is one of thousands from the inbox of Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta leaked by the online hacktivist group WikiLeaks over the past week.

Bruce Mo** - still think the Globe has any credibility left?

Asshole Radio

Shank's doing Shank things this morning:

On now until noon with @ZoandBertrand. Crushing the Red Sox. Soft fans no doubt happy with Papi, but that was embarrassing.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 11, 2016

The Obligatory Shit On The Sox Column

I'm willing to bet he was writing this column in the fourth inning.

The fall of the 2016 Red Sox is complete. The Sox were the feel-good story of our summer, but it seems that it all went away when they held their division-clinching toga party in the Bronx after an embarrassing 5-3 walkoff loss at Yankee Stadium Sept. 28.

Since this is Shank, someone needs to be blamed and run out of town. Any guesses?

The Red Sox rightfully won the American League East, sweeping through Baltimore and Tampa, winning 11 straight games during the most critical stretch of September. And then everything stopped. A day after clinching, manager John Farrell “rested” Dustin Pedroia and Mookie Betts and pulled David Ortiz after a couple of at-bats, triggering a losing pattern that carried straight through the playoffs. The Sox lost their way during an interminable series of heartfelt sendoffs for David Ortiz and had nothing left when the championship tournament started last week.
...
The ignominious sweep no doubt will crank up the “Fire Farrell” bandwagon that rolled across New England for much of the spring and summer.

A paragraph later, Shank has a moment of clarity:

It’s certainly not Farrell’s fault that Rick Porcello and David Price spit the bit in their starts in Cleveland. It’s not Farrell’s fault that the Sox — who led the majors with 878 runs — scored seven runs in three games and hit .214 in this series. A team that went 20-24 in one-run games during the regular season lost two more one-run games in the playoffs.

Back On The Bandwagon

Dear Tom:

Remember when I called you a cheater?

We're good now, right?

Sincerely,

Your Pal Shank

CLEVELAND — More than a year and a half later — after “11 out of 12 balls” lost pressure, Mona Lisa Vito, the Wells Report In Context, Jimmy “Hotfingers” McNally, Fanboy Judge Berman, the Ideal Gas Law, Defending The Wall, and Free Tom Brady — the Patriots finally put Deflategate behind them Sunday at FirstEnergy Stadium on the banks of Lake Erie.

Brady returned from his football Alcatraz (a sentence served alternately at the Big House in Ann Arbor and sunbathing nude in Capri), torching the poor, pitiful Cleveland Browns, 33-13, in front of thousands of road trippers with Boston accents on an absolutely perfect football Sunday. Brady completed 28 of 40 passes for a Ted Williams-esque 406 yards, completed three touchdown passes to Martellus Bennett, and was not intercepted.

Ted Williams? Seriously? What a jerk.

He Can't Understand the Price

The CHB, Oct. 13, 2008: "I'm pretty sure we have not seen the last of Tampa's kid lefthander, David Price. The top pick in the nation (Vanderbilt) in 2007, the 6-foot-6-inch, 23-year-old flamethrower could emerge as the ultimate weapon in this series, and a potential Rays World Series. He picked up the win in Saturday/Sunday's epic, freezing Mark Kotsay on a hellacious two-strike pitch and retiring Coco Crisp on a grounder."

The CHB today: "Reggie Jackson was Mr. October. David Price is Mr. August." 

Yet again, Dan "Can't Do Math" Shaughnessy proves worthless as an analyst. You'd think a white guy from Groton with a kid who attacks cops would know a thing or two about small sample sizes. But no...


For his career in the ALCS, Mr. October hit .227 with 6 homers in 45 games. Sample size.

In his first 27 playoff games, Barry Bonds hit one homer and batted under .250. He then hit 8 bombs in his next 17 playoff games. Sample size. 

Want more evidence? The CHB, Oct. 14, 2008: "[David] Ortiz is 0 for 10 in the series and has not hit a homer in his last 14 postseason games. He has gotten away from using the whole field and appears to be trying to pull everything."

The five years later Oct. 31, 2013: "After Pedroia went out on a grounder to third, Wacha intentionally walked World Series MVP David Ortiz (.688). Good move."

Who Is He Kidding?

Missed this beauty from last night:

Not to be negative, but as it stands now, Sox potential Gm 5 starter is Porcello (0-3, 6.10 career PS) or Price (2-7, 5.12 career PS).

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 7, 2016

Asking The Important Questions

In a column conveniently timed to coincide with a Red Sox loss, Shank revisits a topic from earlier in the season:

CLEVELAND — In the wake of Thursday night’s terrific Game 1 — a 5-4 Red Sox loss that didn’t end until Dustin Pedroia’s checked-swing on a 3-2 pitch in the dirt — Sox fans have to be asking themselves one key question:

What pitcher on this staff do you trust?

The Sox came into this series against the Indians as prohibitive favorites, but they do not have a single pitcher with a postseason win as a starter. Rick Porcello gave up three homers in one inning Thursday and didn’t make it out of the fifth inning. David “Mr. July” Price gets the ball in Game 2 Friday. Boston’s closer is Craig Kimbrel, who’s been making everybody nervous lately.

Gulp.

Shank On The Red Sox - Indians ALDS Series

It's well known that Shank and Tito Francona collaborated on a book, and today we get partial confirmation on just how extensive that collaboration was, so we can skip the usual Shank column filler bullshit and cut to the chase:

Francona’s never going to go public with how much it would mean for him to beat Boston. That would be like Bill Belichick or Tom Brady acknowledging that winning the Super Bowl this season would be a little more special than all the others. No. It’s far more classy and diplomatic to shower everything with sweetness and ambiguity. Leave it to the carnivorous Boston media to connect the dots. (but I repeat myself! - ed.)

OK. Will do.

Tito is still hurt by how he was treated at the end in Boston. Knocking the Red Sox out of the playoffs would be sweet revenge. This matchup is more than a professional encounter. It’s a tad personal.

Did your unending barrage of chicken and beer columns have anything to do with that? Just asking!

Francona still has fondness for a lot of people and things around Fenway Park. He has great memories of the Starbucks on Route 9 in Chestnut Hill, the Marriott at Coolidge Corner, the Red Lantern, and the powerful shower head in his cramped old office at 4 Yawkey Way. He loves Dustin Pedroia almost as much as he loves his own kids and he’s been friends with John Farrell since they were teammates in Cleveland 28 years ago. Tito was Farrell’s chemo wing man when Farrell went for his first treatment at Mass. General in the summer of 2015.

And now they’re “facing” one another in the postseason.

“I’m not going up against John,’’ said Francona. “Our players are going to decide this. I have mixed emotions. He’s one of my best friends in the whole world — outside of baseball. So it pulls at you a little bit. The way I look at it, it’s an honor to be able to compete against them. And I’m including him in that. That’s kind of how I feel.’’

Shank occasionally writes good columns. This is one of them.

UPDATE AT 10:49 PM - Typos corrected in the first and last sentences.

The Big Finish

Instead of shitting on the New England patriots for losing to the Buffalo Bills, Shank devotes his latest column to Big Papi, playing his last regular season game for the Red Sox.

It was not Teddy Ballgame hitting a home run in his final big league plate appearance.

It was not even Yaz popping up to the second baseman in his final at-bat after 23 seasons in 1983.

David Ortiz played his last regular-season game for the Red Sox Sunday. He went 0 for 4 with two strikeouts as the Red Sox lost to the Blue Jays, 2-1, and whizzed away home-field advantage in the first round of the playoffs against Cleveland.

You'll see a lot of that 'get off my lawn' tone throughout the column, which makes it worth not reading.

Halftime

The Bills are beating the Patriots, 13-0 at the half. Does anyone think Shank takes a shit on the team should they go on to lose?

(yes, that was a rhetorical question!)

Patriots Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

You can't keep a good troll down:

Bills win toss and defer. So they still have a chance

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 2, 2016

Strange Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

A rare case of Shank looking forward instead of backward:

October. 9 Triple Header: Tom Brady comeback game in Cleveland; Red Sox-Indians ALDS Game 3; Clinton-Trump Game 2.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 1, 2016

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XLI

It looks my dream of 135 Morrissey Boulevard turning into UMass-Boston dormitories will not be realized for a while:

Boston Globe CEO Mike Sheehan says he’s not planning for the company’s news and business operations at Morrissey Boulevard to move to its new home downtown until the middle of next year — months later than his earlier plans to target the move for Jan. 1, 2017.

In an interview this week, Sheehan said the date of Jan. 1 — which was reported by both the Globe and the Boston Business Journal last December — was “never etched in stone.” Some have speculated that it seemed like an ambitious plan to begin with, and that turns out to have been correct: The new space at the Exchange Place complex at 53 State St. ended up needing a lot more structural work than first thought, said Sheehan. He said the move will now occur “sometime probably mid-next year.”

Then again, the dream might not come true after all:

The Boston Business Journal has learned that the buyer of the Boston Globe’s 16.5-acre headquarters site in Dorchester is David Ridini of Center Court Properties, a New York-based real-estate development firm.

Since John Henry paid $70 million for the Boston Globe a few years ago, he won't lose any money even when the Globe finally goes tits up, and the liberals will still love the capitalist robber baron because he meant well. Suckers.

Big Papi Farewell Tour - The Shank Podcast

Boston Globies Alex Speier and Shank do a podcast about David Ortiz, including some of Shank's 'controversial' questions and interviews. It clocks in at 20 minutes.

A Yankee Farewell To Big Papi

Leave it to Shank to fuck it up:

NEW YORK — Welcome to Papi-Palooza, Big Apple style.

The interminable David Ortiz Farewell Tour made its final stop in the House That Jeter Built Thursday night. The Yankees’ pregame ceremony was short and sweet — nothing like the overblown homages showered upon Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter at Fenway in 2013 and 2014, respectively.

At 6:52 p.m., while the stadium was still half-empty, Ortiz was introduced to the crowd and came out to stand behind home plate with his wife Tiffany, daughter Alex, and son D’Angelo. The Yankees presented Tiffany and Alex with floral bouquets.

Ortiz’s former teammate Jacoby Ellsbury and former Red Sox pitcher David Cone were first out of the Yankee dugout. They carried a custom-made autograph book with hand-scripted messages from Yankees who have played against Ortiz through the years.

Next up was Rivera, the all-time saves leaders and future Hall of Famer. Rivera helped Ortiz unveil an oil painting that portrayed Ortiz tipping his cap at home plate at Yankee Stadium.

Then they played “Sweet Caroline” over the PA.

And that was it. No video montages. No speeches. No appearances by Whitey Ford, Woody Allen, Liza Minnelli, Billy Joel, or Dick Flavin. It was brief and buttoned-down. Very Yankee-like. And it was over in a New York minute. It was as if the entire presentation had been scripted by Bill Belichick.

Champagne Wasted

Despite losing the game to the New York Yankees, the Red Sox win the American League east (thanks to a Blue Jays loss). Since there was free beer in the Sox' clubhouse, Shank was there:

NEW YORK — Ever seen a champagne celebration after what would normally be an excruciating walkoff loss?

We saw one Wednesday night at Yankee Stadium.

The Red Sox completed their latest worst-to-first saga when they clinched the American League East thanks to Baltimore’s 3-2 victory over Toronto.

It looked like the Sox were going to clinch with their own win over the Yankees (six one-hit innings from Clay Buchholz), but that did not happen. Minutes after learning that they were AL East champs by virtue of the Orioles’ win, Red Sox closer Craig Kimbrel allowed a single and three straight walks to start the ninth then watched helplessly as Mark Teixeira hit a game-winning grand slam off Joe Kelly.
...
Weird. It was like leaving a cemetery and walking into a Delta House toga party. Something tells me that Bill Belichick would not have approved.

Nothing says 'Red Sox column by Shank' without marring it with a reference to some other sport.

Pill Papi: PEDs or Not, Ortiz is Hall Bound

The Shank column we've all been waiting for: Recognition that David Ortiz is Hall of Fame bound, and there's nothing The CHB can do about it.

Guaranteed, His Shankness would never vote for Big Papi on the first round, if at all. But he argue, tongue firmly in cheek, that since the New York writers say Ortiz is a Haller, that's a leading indicator that (PEDs or not, which is what the column is really about), he's bound to get the call.

Regardless of whether Ortiz deserves the recognition, which would have made for a much better column, btw, here's hoping Shank is actually right for a change, if for no other reason than it's another excuse to remind everyone of Shaughnessy's epithet for Big Papi: "a sad sack of you-know-what."

Shank Sighting - That She Blows!

While watching the Sox / Yankees game, they cut to Dave O'Brien and Jerry Remy in the booth, who were talking to Boston Globe baseball weenie writer Alex Speier. I thought I spotted Sir Shank-A-Lot in the row behind them (to the left). Expect a column from Shank in the near future.

Confirmed - in the bottom of the second inning, they panned back into the booth trio, and my roommate just confirmed it - "You can't miss that goofy looking redhead!"

Stupid Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Some 'jokes' don't translate well, or maybe they stopped being funny years ago:

Hillary won coin flip. Did not defer.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 26, 2016

Rehash Radio - XX

I wonder if he actually shows up in the booth with paper copies of his latest columns when he does the show?

On with Zo and Beetle -- @ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. Sox and Pats can both clinch their divisions this week. Good times.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 26, 2016

Pats can clinch this week? Is that hyperbole or stupidity?

Trolling Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Yep, I'm sure that's the reason...

Since I said the Red Sox aren't winning close games after a 1-0 loss vs. Orioles, the Sox are 10-0, most of them close ones. You're welcome.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 25, 2016

It's Official - Shank's Back On The Pats Bandwagon

After winning three games in a row with multiple starters out of the lineup in each game, why wouldn't you shamelessly start rooting for the Patriots again?

Memo to Patriots fans: Deflategate is your friend. It has given birth to absolute truths that serve only to magnify and solidify that local notion that Bill Belichick and the Patriots are 10 times better and smarter than every other NFL team.

The first-place, 3-0 Patriots will enjoy a well-deserved day of rest Sunday, but a message has been delivered to NFL America. It is not a comforting missive for the 31 franchises that hoped to prosper when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell dropped the hammer on the Team Everyone Loves to Hate. The Patriots are on a mission. They are kicking butt and taking names. The 2016 Patriots are waging war on the rest of the NFL and the commissioner who overly punished them for driving 68 in a 65-mile-per-hour zone.

A decent enough column ensues from here (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band lyrics aside), but I think Shank overstates something towards the end:

This cannot be a great feeling for Brady. Deflategate has established that any Jimmy, Jacoby or Matt can play quarterback for the Patriots and still win. Belichick and the Patriot Way are the big winners.

I don't think you can use a three game span like the most recent one and dismiss the contributions of one of the top quarterbacks in NFL history.

On second thought, since I don't feel like erasing the previous sentence, Shank's not dismissing Brady, he's simply discounting it and attributing the team's success to the team. Seriously, it didn't kill me just now to agree with Shank! Still, I think that point's fairly debatable.

Points awarded to Shank for being consistent on this point (not Deflategate as a whole, where he once called Tom Brady a cheater and gave it its own column):

The Patriots would secede from the NFL if they had anywhere elso to go, but they don’t. They will settle for winning another Super Bowl and rubbing everyone’s face in the dirt. Tom Brady is taking his punishment and it’s Scorched Earth Time here in Hatriot Nation. Our long national nightmare is over.

Back to the original column:

Feel the fire. Embrace the hate. Deflategate is the Patriots’ friend.

Did Shank just channel the Emperor from Star Wars?

Settle Down, Beavis

Three games into the NFL season and Shank is all but ready to award the Lombardi Trophy to the New England Patriots. While I'm in favor of that notion, it's amusing that Shank's been trashing Bill Belichick since he got here, and suddenly he's the best thing since sliced bread.

But the No. 1 story line of the night was Belichick. We keep thinking we have seem the ultimate demonstration of his greatness and then we see something that tops the last one. We thought the opening-night win at Arizona would stand as the Hoodie’s favorite non-Super Bowl win, but Thursday’s shocker against the Texans was even better. It was a game won by all the boring things Bill loves — special teams, defense, and mistake-free offense.

“I’m so proud of the way our guys competed,’’ said Belichick. “A real satisfying win. The whole week the coaching staff did a tremendous job.’’

When an intrepid sort noted that Bill was climbing the ranks of career wins for coaches, Belichick said, “Today is not about me. It’s about the team, the players, the assistant coaches, and all the credit they deserve.’’

He'll be signing a different tune as soon as the Patriots lose their first game.

One Trick Pony

I did not have the patience or desire to post any of Shank's stale fucking bullshit last night. I wanted to enjoy the game without it being tainted by his repetitive, witless garbage. That said, here's the 'best' of Shaughnessy from last night's game.

Houston loses the toss. Pats defer. Of course.

Afterall, Pats only have one QB and he is a rookie

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 23, 2016

Things change quickly. Time to trade Jimmy G for a couple of first round picks.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 23, 2016

Houston Texans: "Oh, no!!!! We suck again!!!!''
Tomato
Cans

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 23, 2016

Game is effectively over, but nobody leaving Gillette. Too much fun watching Pats rub foes' faces in the dirt.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 23, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Professional Asshole

Beating a dead horse:

Firm hired by Ted Wells speaks to NY Times: It's The Wells Report In Context . . . In Context.
Surprise Conclusion: Pats were doing it.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 21, 2016

Rehash radio, part infinity:

On with @ZoandBertrand with Jarod Carrabisstarting at 11. Not much Sox to argue about now. They will never lose again.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 21, 2016

Reporters used to get basic facts correct, like spelling people's names:

This really just happened https://t.co/yUam1AeFty

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 21, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy you literally asked me how to spell my name and still got it wrong. that's the press box difference.

— Jared Carrabis(@Jared_Carrabis) September 21, 2016

That's just Shank's way of him letting you know you're not important to him. If you're reading this, Jared, he's insulting you right to your face. Stop falling for this shit and treat Shank as he ought to be treated - as an enemy. Think 'Godfather' here. Maybe you ought to talk to Kirk Minihane about that angle.

Small Whiff Of Bullshit Detected

Get a load of this bald-faced lie:

. @Dan_Shaughnessy on #RedSox: ‘I’m done ragging on these guys’ https://t.co/pVX6YDxEPu

— CSN New England (@CSNNE) September 20, 2016

A prediction - it won't matter what happens when the Red Sox play their last game this year; Shank will either savage the team or, as he did in 2013 when they won the World Series, he'll call it a fluke.

The Return Of Bandwagon Dan

Shank's latest column is a feint - he pretends to like the Red Sox and Patriots, so long as they're winning.

Here we go. Red Sox and Patriots. Hand-in-hand into history. Again.

Sunday in Greater Boston was one of those days that make all the hard living worthwhile. It was a day to put traffic, weather, taxes, the cost of groceries, and nonstop road and bridge repair (did I mention traffic?) on the shelf. It was a day to soak in the warm waters of first place and speculate on great sports moments in store in the upcoming weeks.

Playing without Tom Brady, without Gronk, without Rob Ninkovich, and finally, without Brady’s backup, the Patriots beat the Dolphins in their home opener. It was more Next Man Up and Let The Fools On The Other Side Beat Themselves again. More than ever, Super Bowl LI in Houston — a showdown with Roger Goodell, who would deliver the trophy — appears to be the Patriots’ manifest destiny.

Exit Question

How brutal is Shank going to be with his column about this game? I bet he's already written half of it.

And So It Begins - II

DeflateGate related jokes never get old:

McNally and jastremski scrambling dolphin headsets now?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 18, 2016

And - so much for 'maybe the Dolphins have a chance':

When do Dolphins execute the Butt Fumble?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 18, 2016

And So It Begins

Wow. New Miami coach knew enough to make Pats take ball. Maybe Dolphins have a chance. And that's six straight coin toss losses for Pats

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 18, 2016

It's called the law of averages, jackass...

Insipid Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy?

Will we witness a barrage of 'tomato can', 'coin flip' and 'double score' tweets from Our Man Shank in just under half an hour? Stay tuned!

Incomplete Thoughts, By Dan Shaughnessy

Surely he left something out here...

Why jump on the Hanley Ramirez bus? Because things can

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 17, 2016

...and a reader fills in the blank:

@Dan_Shaughnessy ...because things can change quickly and when they do I will trash him in a column.

— Christopher E (@cje1213) September 17, 2016

What's Old Is New Again

Stop me if you've heard this one before:

Bills fire offensive coordinator after 2 games. March of the Tomato Cans is on

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 16, 2016

Damn Yankees

What a present for Shank! He gets to write about what seems to be his favorite type of topic - a painful, excruciating and devastating loss.

How do you recover from this?

The Yankees — once all powerful but now The Little Train That Could — suffered a devastating setback at Fenway Thursday night. Leading the Red Sox, 5-1, in the eighth, and 5-2 with two outs in the ninth, New York was beaten by Hanley Ramirez’s three-run walkoff shot into the center-field bleachers off Dellin Betances.

“This one really hurts,’’ said Yankee manager Joe Girardi.

“A lot of guys in this room are really [expletive] off right now,’’ said third baseman Chase Headley. “We really want to come back and win tomorrow night.’’

It's impossible to read this column, note the rare quality within and come to any other conclusion - Shank loves to write about losing teams.

Duplicity, Or Just Full Of Shit?

Shank's well versed at talking out of both sides of his mouth. Yesterday, for instance, you see with the last post (below) the umpteenth time Shank takes a shit on the Red Sox for winning one game big and losing the preceding / following game in a low-scoring nail-biter. On the same day, he harkens back to the 1967 Red Sox, where he says, in part...

So this is NOT just like ’67. But it’s really fun. And the notion of four teams fighting for first place gives a little tingle to Baby Boomer (it’s always about us) Red Sox fans.

So, it's fun to watch these stat-padding Red Sox, except when they're padding their stats. Then again, that's as close to consistent as we'll get from Shank.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Like we haven't seen this one before, right?

Will say it again: Stat-padding Red Sox become choking dogs when the games are tight. Nobody does 12-2 wins and 1-0 losses like these guys.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 15, 2016

Just Win, Baby

A day after Shank tried to create as much doubt as possible about the Patriots (and thus their prospects of winning at Arizona), he pulls an Emily Litella and says - never mind!

As usual with Shank, he needs to remind us of negative things in the Patriots' past - that his way of being balanced:

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Eight years ago, this place was a house of horrors. A place where bad things happened to the Patriots.

The giant stadium in Glendale was bad luck. It is where 18-0 became 18-1. It is where Eli Manning made the scramble of his life and then David Tyree made the last catch of his career, pinning a prayer to the side of his helmet while he was wearing Rodney Harrison. It is where perfection was derailed.

Now, Shank, conjure up your inner Fonzarelli and say 'I was wrong':

But today Patriot Nation loves this place. Now it is the place where Bill Belichick and Ernie Adams made Pete Carroll lose his mind in Super Bowl XLIX (Go watch the “Do Your Job” video again). It is the place where Malcolm Butler introduced himself to Football America. And in September of 2016 it is the place where Jimmy Garoppolo and the undermanned Patriots beat the heavily favored Arizona Cardinals, 23-21, in the first game of Tom Brady’s four-game Deflategate suspension.

More coverage from the Patriots' win Shaughnessy: No Brady? No Gronk? No problem. Volin: Jimmy Garoppolo plays his role to perfection Gasper: Brady suspension was supposed to take away Belichick's secret weapon. It didn't work Cardinals miss their chance to take down the Patriots Chandler Jones, Arizona defense fail to rattle New England Two Patriots hold up fists after national anthem Did you know Marty from The Imagination Agency plays for Patriots? Patriots remove Tom Brady banner from Gillette Stadium Notebook: Patriots extend Rob Ninkovich’s contract Box score: Patriots 23, Cardinals 21 More Patriots coverage

Take that, Roger Goodell! You can overpunish Brady and roll out an NFC title contender for “Sunday Night Football.” Vegas can make the Pats 9½-point underdogs. But you still cannot beat Belichick and the Patriots.

No Brady? No Gronk? No first-round draft pick?

No problem.

Filling In

Shank's latest column attempts to create as much doubt as possible about Tom Brady's replacement for tonight's game (and the next three as well):

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Twenty-four-year-old Jimmy Garoppolo — who has never played a meaningful snap in the NFL —

Naturally, meaningful is undefined, as this suits Shank's agenda of creating doubt so he can shit on the Patriots tomorrow should they lose. Shank mentions Jimmy G. going 20 of 31 in 11 games, and all of that activity is deemed meaningless.

will stand behind center and in front of the nation Sunday night when the New England Patriots play the Arizona Cardinals at University of Phoenix Stadium. It will be the highest-rated television program of the weekend.

Pure speculation, but then again, this may be Shank's 'blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then' prediction he actually gets right.

Jimmy G is being asked to command the SS Belichick while Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback of his generation, begins serving a four-game suspension for his ambiguous role in the interminable, litigious, and abjectly stupid drama known as Deflategate.

You remember Deflategate - the one that Shank actively cheered on and eventually called Tom Brady a cheater. Funny how Shank conveniently forgets that when he needs to.

Man Crush Alert, or just want you want to read when you go to the Sports section:

Other than the superficial observation that Garoppolo is perhaps the only American athlete even more handsome than Tom Brady (not that there's anything wrong with that - ed.), we know virtually nothing about Jimmy G.

Too bad there's really no way to research that sort of thing...

He played his college ball at Eastern Illinois (never to be confused with Alabama or Southern Cal) and has not started a regular-season game in two seasons with New England. He has been the clipboard holder and mopup man for Brady, completing 20 of 31 passes in 11 games.

The goofy-yet-intriguing situation is without parallel in the long and fabled history of New England sports.

You can skip the next several paragraphs, as Shank falls back on an unimaginative, tired and longstanding formula of comparing this situations to past situations with the Red Sox and Celtics. But it helps to complete the column, so...

This is different. Garoppolo is replacing a legendary champion . . . but just for four games. And we have no sample to suggest how Jimmy G will do against the Cardinals, Dolphins, Texans, and Bills.

Shank, aware or not, then goes on to give just that sort of sample:

Backup quarterback Matt Cassel stepped in for Brady in 2008 when QB 12 got his knee blown up in the first game of the season. Belichick made things simple for Cassel and the Pats won 11 games, but they did not make the playoffs. Cassel parlayed his tryout into a big contract with the Chiefs, while Brady came back better than ever in 2009.

We suspect the Hoodie will dumb it down for Jimmy G. The quarterback looked shaky against the Panthers in his final preseason game, but he has yet to play with the full complement of New England’s offense weapons, and he won’t have Rob Gronkowski on Sunday. Look for a lot of short passes, tosses to the tight ends, and a smashmouth running game. Nothing high-risk. No stretching the field. Let your defense win the game. This will be Game Management 101.

If Shank thinks this is what Belichick is going to do, bet on the exact opposite.

...
So the Patriots’ quarterback situation at this hour is fascinating in addition to being unprecedented. The Patriots are going to play four games with a new guy behind center. Fair or unfair, it’s going to constitute a referendum on who’s the most important figure in Foxborough. Jimmy G’s success or failure will fuel the age-old argument regarding who gets credit for New England’s dominant run. Is it Tom or is it Bill?

I wonder why Shank always has to make such situations strictly binary? Is it because he's stupid? Perhaps, but again, it doesn't exactly suit him to share credit between Brady and Belichick. He needs to assign credit to one and by definition, blame or discredit to the other. This is how his mind 'works', for lack of a better definition.

Brady has been to six Super Bowls and won four of them. Belichick has been his coach for every game of his career. As noted by former Globie Ron Borges, in seven-plus seasons without Brady as his quarterback, Belichick is 52-62 and has missed the playoffs six times. The Hoodie is 1-1 in playoff games without Brady.

See what I mean? Of course, that leaves this question unanswered - what is Belichick's record when you remove his tenure with the Cleveland Browns? Take it away, commenter Shsnatick:

Dan:
Once and for all let's set the record straight regarding Bill Belchick's record without Tom Brady. The Browns had a record of 3-13 in 1990. They hired Bill Belichick. His record:
1991 6-10
1992 7-9
1993 7-9
1994 11-5 (beat Patriots in the playoffs)
1995 5-11 (after Art Modell gutted the team in preparation for move to (Bal)
2000 NE Patriots (house cleaning year)
The rest is history.

Belichick's record with the Browns: 36-44, so the record with the Patriots and without Brady is 16-18. Just a bit different, no? Once again, that doesn't support Shank's argument, so you won't see it. And if you have to rely on Ron Borges, a plagiarist, for your statistics, you're already halfway to losing that argument.

Glass Half Empty, Part VIII

You wouldn't know the Boston Red Sox were at or near the top of the American League East by reading Shank's tweets over the past couple of weeks:

More stat-padding by Sox Friday, a 13-3 win. Then a 3-2 loss today.
That another plus-9 run differential while going 1-1. #Can'twinclose1s

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 10, 2016

Manufacturing Returns To Massachusetts

Ford? General Electric? No, it's Shank trying to create controversy:

The Patriots will play the 2016 season in silent fury.

There will be no sabre-rattling in the locker room or at the podium. Nobody in Foxborough is going to admit they are mad as hell. There will be no public displays of anger or outrage.

But it’s there. The Patriots are the Hatriots. We feel it every day and will notice it on every play. We hear it in the things that are not said. The seething. The simmering. It’s the nonstop notion that Tom Brady and the Patriots got railroaded. All New England fans know that the Patriots are the victims of a jealous league and a commissioner intent on showing that he is the boss.

While angry Patriots fans call talk shows, script hateful tweets, and wear vile anti-Goodell garb, the folks who coach and play the games are going to have to take out their revenge in the stadiums of NFL America. That is the plan.

This almost sounds like he borrowed a few paragraphs from a column he did on Spygate years ago.

Rehash Radio - XIX

Pretty sure we're not missing anything important:

On with @ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. Wall-to=wall Pats. Will steer them into Sox talk and maybe get Beetle going on big BC-Umass game.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 6, 2016

Some friendly advice is offered to the Shankster:

@Dan_Shaughnessy @ZoandBertrand how much do u get paid for these appearances? You'll need to think of other income sources with Globe slide

— Tom McCarthy (@thomjmcc) September 6, 2016

Well, that's not a problem...

He's Only Happy When It Rains

To paraphrase a commenter from many moons ago - "If there wasn't a losing team, Shank would have nothing to wrote about."

Lo and behold:

Frontrunning stat-padding Sox are great when it's 16-2, 11-2.
It's those 1-0, 2-1 games that they can't seem to win.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 5, 2016

In last four games, Sox outscored last-place A's and Padres, 28-7.
Won two, lost two.
Run differential means jack.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 5, 2016

Reaction is just about what you'd expect:

@Dan_Shaughnessy yes, but this is very old news... been this way all season.

— Jeremy Caron (@JeremyCaron) September 6, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy The Sox may be front-runners but you are definitely a bottom-feeder

— Chris Moltisanti(@Loyle2MyCapo) September 6, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy 16-20 in 1-run games, TOR is 15-22

— Mike (@gtfo) September 5, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy sweet sample size, bro

— john pittsley(@MithterPitthley) September 6, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy actually not true. Take a look at mlb standings, pretty much follows run differential.

— Ozzie deFaria (@OzziedeFaria) September 6, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy According to W-L, Sox are only as good as A's and SD. According to run diff, they are better. Which one is the truth?

— Not Mike Webb (@NotMikeWebb) September 6, 2016

Don't bother Shank with a question like that - he has an agenda to push!

Bonus soundtrack with respect to the title is here. These lyrics are pure Shaughnessy.

Misleading Headline

Dear Comcast Sports Net - you spelled 'doubt' wrong:

Shughnessy: Curious about Yoan Moncada playing third base

Brief (thus relatively painless) video at link, from Friday. Thus far, it seems that Shank's doubt has been unwarranted.

Better Solutions Offered

Shank's second installment of the The Deutsche Bank Championship seemed rather bland at first view:

NORTON — It was not a good day for the local kid.

Hopkinton’s Jon Curran, a former Globe All-Scholastic and part of a new generation of Boston sports fans (“We skipped school to go to one of those duck boat parades”), is playing at the Deutsche Bank Championship this weekend and had his worst day of the tourney on Sunday, shooting a 76 in the third round.

The rest of us would be ecstatic with a 76 at TPC Boston, but Curran is playing with the big boys and his three-day total of 4 over par has taken him out of Deutsche Bank contention and severely dented his chances to get to Crooked Stick to play in the coveted and lucrative BMW Championship. Curran started Sunday ranked 69th in the FedEx standings (only the top 70 after Monday’s final round remain in contention), but had double bogeys on holes No. 3, 6, and 15 on Sunday.

A surprisingly unique take from the Shankster on the local golf tournament, given his recent 'efforts'. We're left wondering if Shank actually spoke to Jon?

At times like this, Curran relies on local sports psychologist Dr. Greg Cartin for guidance. Cartin got his start counseling athletes at Somerville and Boston English High Schools and today runs GC3 Performance Consulting. Curran says Cartin keeps him relaxed and focused. It’s all about staying calm and smothering the anger than can eat you up inside.

“I talk to him every day,” said Curran. “I don’t have any goals. Just going out and doing as good as I can every day. Whatever happens, happens. I don’t like to set goals for myself. A goal of mine was to go to BMW and it’s literally driving me insane.’’
...
His path to the big time was not as rapid at Bradley’s. He didn’t get his tour card until 2014, but he’s made the cut in 18 of his last 29 tournaments and pocketed $918,000 when he almost won the Memorial. He currently lives in Jupiter, Fla., and plans to marry a young woman from Barrington, R.I., in Newport Oct. 28.

I would suggest stop talking to Shaughnessy as a first step. Or just kick him in the nuts - problem resolved! A kid making nearly $1 million on the pro tour ought not to be damaged goods, but further encounters with Shank will insure just that. Might want to avoid marriage as well - trust me on this one.

Drive Shanked, Badly

Shank's doing his annual golf column or two, and this year's leading edition sucks as bad as all the others he's written, and maybe even worse:

NORTON — Remember when everyone knew the name of the world’s best golfers?

Arnold Palmer. Jack Nicklaus. Tiger Woods. They were like Mantle, Mays, and DiMaggio. Namath and Brady. Jordan and LeBron.

This is, quite simply, astounding ignorance. Palmer hasn't played PGA golf (excluding the 50+ Seniors Tour) since approximately 1975, Nicklaus since 1977 (ditto), and Tiger's been injured for the past two / three years. In other words, I was thirteen fucking years old by the time The Golden Bear hung up his driver professionally, nearly four god damn decades ago. If that doesn't make it clear that Shank, who clearly does not follow golf, has no business whatsoever writing about golf in an intelligent manner, then nothing does.

The rest of the column is pure formulaic Shank template with respect to first round leader Jason Day - read it at your peril, and don't come bitching to me about not getting that five minutes of your life back. You were warned.

Fore!

The Deutsche Bank Championship started today (apologies for a link to the other Boston Globe dickbag), but I wanted to take a walk down memory lane.

Six years ago, Shank covered this tournament and wrote a column devoted mainly to Tiger Woods' use of a portable bathroom. It was an awful column, even by Shank's low standards.

And Now, A Word From Head Coach Dan Shaughnessy

Brady still in the game. This is genius

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 2, 2016

Feelings Mixed

Shank talks to Boston Celtics legend Cedric Maxwell, who has an opinion or two about Colin Kaepernick, the shithead whose bold stance against what he claims are oppression, racial injustice and police brutality which involves marching on City Hall helping out inner city youth donating to worthy causes sitting down during the National Anthem.

Cedric Maxwell played eight seasons for the Celtics, from 1977-85. He was MVP of the NBA Finals in 1981, and in ’84 he famously told teammates to “hop on my back” before leading the Celtics to a Game 7 victory against the Lakers.

Maxwell’s No. 31 hangs in the Garden rafters, alongside the numbers of Bill Russell, Larry Bird, and the other Green legends. Today he serves as a color commentator on Celtic radio broadcasts.

And in all those seasons with the Celtics, Maxwell was never on the parquet floor standing at attention when the national anthem was played.

Max’s absence was sometimes perceived as a protest. He says it was not.

“The only reason I walked out during the national anthem — wasn’t in protest of the flag — I love America more than anybody,’’ Maxwell said Wednesday. “People would ask me about it.

“It was because I was nervous, and when the national anthem was played, I was fidgety. I did not want to offend anybody by moving around, shuffling my feet, doing what I was doing, so I just took myself out of that environment out of respect to the flag.

“I still do it now. I normally leave before the national anthem is played.’’

This is a topic today because San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has made a stand that he will sit during the playing of the national anthem before games. Kaepernick sat out the anthem at San Francisco’s game last Friday, then explained that he was motivated by racial injustice and police brutality in America. He has pledged to do the same Thursday night when the Niners play at San Diego. His position has created a national debate.

What debate? This is meaningless showboating, nothing more. If Kaepernick was serious about these matters, he'd be doing a lot more than a bullshit 'protest' of sitting out a national anthem. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

UPDATE AT 12:18 PM - Link to article added; apologies.

UPDATE II, AT 1:10 PM - Check out the socks Colin decided to wear at a recent practice. He's one step away from the Black Lives Matter professional agitators, coming soon to block a highway near you.

Time To Pounce

Did you ever notice how Shank only seems to comment on the Boston Red Sox after a loss?

Front runner Red Sox lose another one run game. Something missing w this crew

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) August 31, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy Funny u didn't say anything when they went 7-4 on the last road trip

— Pat O'Donoghue (@LIPS1986) August 31, 2016

DHL Dan - LVIII

It must be the dog days of summer - Shank just mailed in his second consecutive column:

Picked-up pieces while getting fired up for the 15th annual WEEI/NESN Jimmy Fund Radio Telethon, which unfolds Monday and Tuesday.

■ Remember how much we all liked Colin Kaepernick before Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans?

■ This Brady-Garoppolo soap opera is really interesting. How much of it is a media creation? How much is real?

I'd say 100% and 0%, respectively. And for some reason, Shank still wonders why fans can't stand people in the media.

DHL Dan - LVII

Nothing says lazy and mailed-in column quite like a transparent attempt at pretending to like the local professional sports teams and using college-bound kids as props to make the sale.

Time to go. It’s the saddest weekend of the year for parents of 18-year-olds who are loading up the Volvo for that maiden trip to Syracuse/Ann Arbor/Ithaca/Name That College Town.

Because everybody drives Volvos and sends their kids to expensive jock factories like Syracuse and Michigan. No snobbery there!

All the stuff is packed. Pillows and linens from Bed Bath & Beyond. Foam pillowtop mattress. Hot plate. Bean bag chair. Pop-up hamper. Power strip. Xbox. Flat screen. Mini-fridge. Microwave. Laptop. Beer pong kit. Shower caddy. Flip-flops. Framed photos of the family dog. Posters. Winter coat.

Here is something else that’s making the trip . . . something that takes up no space in the family wagon: Our kids will go off to college carrying the love, care, and pride they have for the Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics, and Bruins.

You know, the same 'love, care, and pride' that show up in none of his columns. What a fraud.

Unusual Pairing

How often do you see the words 'interesting' and 'Dan Shaughnessy' in the same sentence?

I had an interesting conversation w/ @Dan_Shaughnessy about new media vs. traditional media: https://t.co/9psfpmYQL9 pic.twitter.com/hxgI13G4Fa

— Jared Carrabis (@Jared_Carrabis) August 25, 2016

Controversy Created

Shank finds an angle with which to stir the pot with respect to the Patriots:

Don’t look now, but Patriots have a quarterback controversy

Quarterback controversy.

It is the bane of existence for all NFL head coaches. The Clown Show New York Jets have a quarterback controversy just about every other week. The Bills and Dolphins also specialize in quarterback controversies.

This is one of the reasons the Patriots have been able to win their Tomato Can Division in 13 of the last 15 seasons. The Jets, Dolphins, and Bills have had loser quarterbacks during this stretch.

Think about it, people. In the 15 years since Tom Brady took over as quarterback of the Patriots, who would be the “next-best” quarterback in the division? Chad Pennington, perhaps? In an aggregate 45 seasons of Jets, Bills, and Fins, the best they can come up with is Chad Pennington?

He gives the game away in the next paragraph:

Now the Patriots have a quarterback controversy of their own. Sort of.

Master Of The Obvious

Shank gets a few things right with his latest tweet:

In with @ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. They love new data survey polling local sports fans. I'm betting that Zo is popular and I am not.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) August 23, 2016

Imagine

Or, The One Where Shank Makes Up Fake Friends:

Tom Brady hasn’t been seen in Foxborough since before Thursday night’s preseason game with the Bears.

Injured? Pouting?

The Patriots aren’t saying anything. And their fans just love it.

Here's what prompted Shank to write this column (besides his hatred of Robert Kraft) - the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick are tight lipped about Tom Brady, who supposedly cut his thumb on Thursday and hasn't been at the stadium since that time. The lack of information and cooperation with the media sticks in Shank's craw, so he writes a whiny column about it

Around here, every day is Patriots Day. Some days are just more sweet than others. Monday was one of those days, as Patriots fans celebrated the fifth consecutive day of no information regarding the most important player in franchise history.

It's the preseason - no one gives a shit, Shank.

I bumped into a couple of Patriots loyalists at a pub in Brighton, and they could barely contain their joy.

That's the only believable part of the column. These types of Shank columns come across as absurd, and when combined with his trademark negativity, it is truly a turd to behold.

Pap Smear

Shank wants the Sox to bring back their former closer Jonathan Papelbon.

In making the case, he regurgitates all the same rationale he used when Paps left in 2011:

He put a cardboard 12-pack box on his head. Check!
Detailed recap of last game as a Sox pitcher. Check!
"Accountability." Check!
Chicken-and-beer. Check!
“I’m Shipping Up To Boston.’’ Check!

Sorry, we're done with that. And no matter how badly The CHB wants a new storyline, the Sox don't need another reliever who can't get anyone out. 

Tweet Of The Day

@Dan_Shaughnessy When Shaughnessy writes an anti-Pats tweet pic.twitter.com/jPcoURzLEB

— Jake Plissken (@aFilmByJake) August 18, 2016

The Ultimate Weathervane - XXIX (Estimated)

Shank, who wasn't worried about David Price, then was worried about David Price, then wasn't worried about David Price, then was sorta, kinda worried about David Price, isn't currently worried about David Price:

This might sound strange coming from me, but I think folks around here have been too tough on David Price this season.

OK, let’s start with the acknowledgement that $217 million is a big bag of money and Price has not been the pitcher the Red Sox thought they were buying. He has not been Roger Clemens 1986, Pedro Martinez 1999-2000, or even Josh Beckett 2007.

He has not been the David Price of 2009-15. He has not been the 23-year-old flamethrower who came out of the bullpen to fan J.D. Drew with the bases loaded in Game 7 of the 2008 ALCS, effectively sending the Tampa Bay Rays to the World Series.

But Price has not been a meatball artist. He has not been an embarrassment. He has not been Matt Young, Jack Clark, or Carl Crawford.

Quit bullshitting us, Shank - we know you better than that! What former Red Sox player did you compare him to three months ago?

Not now. Price at this hour is in full Carl Crawford mode.

Tune in next week, when Shank switches back again like a bike rider going up L'Alpe d'Huez...

Accentuating The Positive

Presented without comment:

Tony Conigliaro hit by Jack Hamilton pitch, 49 years ago tonight. One of the worst nights in Boston sports history,

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) August 18, 2016

2016 Local Olympic Update

...and the podium positions for Boston's Biggest Sports Asshole look like this:

Loudest boos from @Toucherandrich congrats video at #TRparty:

3. Felger
2. @adamjones985
1. @Dan_Shaughnessy, undisputed champion

— Michael Hurley (@michaelFhurley) August 17, 2016

The Distilled Shaughnessy - III

Bryan Joiner at the Over The Monster blog takes a nice warm piss on Shank's latest column:

Look, I know going after Shaughnessy is a losing effort, and I know even Peter Gammons has nice things to say about the work that got him into the Hall of Fame (that's not technically correct - ed.). I can't speak to that, and I generally avoid him as part of my bespoke Red Sox media diet, but the dynamics at play here are transparent and unbecoming of any adult that doesn't live halfway up his own curls.

Here's what happened: The Red Sox had two huge wins in a three-day span, and Dan got bored. Ticked off. He felt, more acutely than usual, the uncomfortable feeling that accompanies ostentatious celebrations in the game of failure. The first one hadn't cleared from his memory by the time the second one happened, and a lightbulb went on: There's a narrative on which to buy low.

Everyone knows scoring runs is good. What his theory presupposed is... maybe it isn't? So he slapped a "front-runners" label on the entire team, punishing them for punishing the baseball. Nevermind the team's obvious problems with starting pitching and injuries: The problem is that this young, dynamic squad has a bad attitude, full stop.

It took less than 24 hours for this narrative to disintegrate, because it was printed on toilet paper to begin with. Monday's win was the exact opposite of everything Shaughnessy described. Aside from -- or because of -- eighth and ninth inning hiccups, it was a crisp win that showed exactly how this team can still do some real damage this season. Will they? I don't know. I'm in the business of analysis, not truthiness. Shaughnessy is in the business of what feels true, not what is true, and his job is to get ahead of the gut feelings of Red Sox fans and give voice to them.

He is a front-runner, and the attacks he makes on his opponents are really just descriptions of himself. I've spent too much time in the real world not to see through this nonsense; as Michael Bloomberg said, a New Yorker knows a con when he sees one. This is the three-card monte of sports columns: The only winning move is not to play.

But I did, and now I'm spinning my wheels trying to disprove his negative assessment. It's impossible by design. He is impossible by design. It's by no means unique among columnists of a certain age and stature, but it's always disappointing. Everyone deserves better than this, even him. He doesn’t need to be judged by his worst moments, but at least the Hall of Fame voters were honest in assessing his best ones.

If only he’d return the favor.

I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting for that to happen.

Here We Go Again

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling just gave Shank more material for his upcoming columns:

(CNN) — Outspoken former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is weighing a bid to unseat Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren when she comes up for re-election in 2018.

In an interview Monday with WRKO's "The Kuhner Report," Schilling said he had begun to seriously consider a political career and that one job had caught his eye.

"I thought about it, and one of the things I would like to do is be one of the people responsible for getting Elizabeth Warren out of politics," he said. "I think she's a nightmare and I think that the Left is holding her up as the second coming of Hillary Clinton, but Lord knows we don't even need the first one."

It should be entertaining, if nothing else.

The Distilled Shaughnessy - II

This picture was added to the Globe's tweet about Shank's latest column after our post went up.

In other words - Shank's a relentlessly negative asshole, and proud of it!

.@dan_shaughnessy: The 2016 Red Sox are good at the easy. They are bad at the hard. https://t.co/oGzSCbzMfi pic.twitter.com/OpyjHRZcDE

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) August 15, 2016

The Distilled Shaughnessy

Shank's latest column can be summed up in two sentences:

Some would say it’s hard to be negative on the day of a 16-2 win. I am happy to oblige.

That's been his M.O. for over three decades. Shank also recycles some stats he lifted from Felger & Massarotti's radio show a few weeks ago

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XLI

Maybe the idiots at the Boston Globe need to rethink a few things about their current paywall policy (which is easily defeated by deleting your browser cookies):

Washington (AFP) - Paywalls were supposed to help rescue newspapers from the crisis of sinking print circulation as readers shifted to getting their news online.

But with a few exceptions, they have failed to deliver much relief, prompting some news organizations to rethink their digital strategies.

Newspapers in the English-speaking world ended paywalls some 69 times through May 2015, including 41 temporary and 28 permanent drops, according to a study by University of Southern California researchers.

Paywalls "generate only a small fraction of industry revenue," with estimates ranging from one percent in the United States to 10 percent internationally, the study in July's International Journal of Communication said.

If it's not clear to anyone by now that John Henry bought the Globe as a pure real estate play, and not as some noble effort at saving a partisan rag in order to churn out more leftist propaganda, then you have your head up your ass.

Thank You, Captain Obvious

Here's Shank on the Fenway Park crowd's expected reaction to soon-to-be-retiring Alex Rodriguez's last appearance as a player:

If Joe Girardi can tolerate a few more Alex Rodriguez dramatics, he will insert the retiring Yankee into the lineup Tuesday night in Boston and let the Fenway Park crowd take it from there.

No one expects any tributes to be forthcoming.

“I think it’ll be nasty, just people booing,’’ longtime Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy said Monday. “I don’t think there’ll be appreciation. He’s a pariah here, they’re very territorial here. It’s not going to be anything like Mariano [Rivera] or {Derek] Jeter.”

Tough call, I know...

Immortals of the Mediocre

Giving awards to yourself and your friends is understandable, I suppose, albeit in a pathetic way. It's like when you see a horribly ugly creature of nature, and you realize that while it has no idea how digusting it is, you sort of feel sorry for it anyway.

Is the blobfish nature's version of the sportswriter?

Last month, as we noted with some ridicule here, The CHB received the J.G. Taylor Spink Award. That's the award sportswriters give to other sportswriters for ... well ... we are still not sure. After all, they are sportswriters, right? They aren't exactly known for their talent.

Is this talent? (At least he can breathe underwater.)

But anyway, they dole 'em out, and they (happily) receive them. Call it the peak of a mediocre career.

What that means, however, is The CHB now has his name listed somewhere in Cooperstown. Not that he's learned anything along the way, as Bryan Curtis at The Ringer learns.  The CHB writes long, biased, negative, nasty, racist and possibly untruthful bile-filled columns about men playing kids' games, then claims, “It’s not personal.” He defends his slough by asserting anything approaching civilty is tantamount to rooting.

So much for journalistic reponsibility to truth and fairness.

And it's awesome to see Larry Bird, whom The CHB can't mention enough in his own (shoddy) work, saying about Shank's crappy sourcing: “He just won’t admit he’s wrong.”

Curtis does a nice job drawing The CHB out, getting him to admit that it's all about Shank: "I’m rooting for myself." Of course he is.

And we learn that Shank is a major prima donna: When he goes to Red Sox spring training, he has the Globe overnight him copies of the paper "so he doesn’t have to read the paper online."

As for Shank, perhaps becoming joining the Immortals of the Mediocre comes with a curse of its own. Since winning the Spink Award in 2015, Tom Gage has lost his job  twice.

The Obligatory Vin Scully Column

Shank's in Los Angeles for the weekend, so it makes perfect sense, right?

LOS ANGELES — It is more than three hours before the first pitch of the Red Sox-Dodgers game in Chavez Ravine on Friday and Baseball’s Voice of God is already at work in the booth, meticulously penning the lineups into his scorebook.

Vin Scully is lefthanded.

No detail is insignificant when we speak of Baseball’s Voice of God.

The numbers are staggering. Scully is 88 years old. He has broadcast approximately 9,000 Dodger games, which is almost half of the games ever played by a franchise that joined the National League in 1890. In 1950, Scully worked a spring training game that was managed by Connie Mack, who was born during the Civil War. Scully has called 20 no-hitters, 12 All-Star Games, and three perfect games. He called Don Larsen’s perfect game, Hank Aaron’s 715th homer, Kirk Gibson’s iconic walkoff vs. Dennis Eckersley, and Mookie Wilson’s little dribble that went through Bill Buckner’s wickets (”Behind the bag . . . and the Mets win it!’’).

Shank sure loves bringing that one up, doesn't he?

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Eight days after berating Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for not speaking to the media, Shank finally gets his wish.

Tom Brady speaks!

Stop the presses. Freeze Twitter. Close the New York Stock Exchange for 10 minutes. Interrupt all Trump coverage.

Brady ended his six-month silence Friday morning at Patriots practice when he took eight questions from the local football media for approximately five minutes. It was a shoutdown frenzy, and Tom found

Were you happy with Brady's comments?

No.

We got Patriotspeak. Bradyspeak. Zzzzzzz.

And the home stretch:

So now we know how it’s going to be. No surprise there. Led by quarterback Tom Brady — who has been court-ordered to wear the Scarlet D of Deflategate — the Patriots are going to carry themselves publicly as if none of this over-punishment is happening. And then they are going to scorch the earth of Goodell’s NFL America.

That might be the first time Shank described Brady's four game suspension as over-punishment, but in every single column about Deflategate that he wrote, it is perfectly clear that Shank's quite pleased it happened.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XL

The march to bring dormitories across the street from UMass-Boston continues apace:

The Boston Globe has enlisted its newsroom's help in its ongoing reinvention, according to a memo from Editor Brian McGrory — but may be forced to lay off some of that newsroom staff in the near future.

WGBH News media analyst Dan Kennedy obtained a Globe memo outlining a "very broad vision statement" for the future of the paper, following the solicitation of ideas from about department heads and "thought leaders" in the newsroom.

Now, four teams of 12 people each are working on recommendations for the future of the paper, focusing on newsroom culture, workflow, editorial mission, and the business side of the paper.

"… we’re not here to move deck chairs around," McGrory writes in the memo.

Haven't heard that one before...

Big Ploppy

File under So What?

Today Shank does a double rip on those who had -- and gave away -- David Ortiz.

Over and over, [Twins GM Terry] Ryan has had to explain why he so casually dismissed one of the greatest sluggers of this generation.  

But there is another team that let go of David Ortiz: the Seattle Mariners. 

The Mariners had Big Papi in their stable for the first five years of his professional life, and they were no better than the Twins at evaluating what he would become.

But let's recall who else dismissed Ortiz's ability: The CHB, who once referred to the man who has surpassed Ted Williams in lifetime homers as a "sad sack of you know what."

Guess what else is a sad sack of you know what? Shank's column.

Might Be A Bit Of A Stretch

Shank jumps into the time machine and makes an unconvincing comparison to two big league callups.

SEATTLE — Dwight Evans remembers getting the call. In 1972, he was a 20-year-old outfielder, finishing up the Triple A playoffs with Louisville, when he got word that the Red Sox wanted him to report to Yankee Stadium and be part of the late-season pennant race.

“I got the call in early September,’’ Evans said Tuesday in a phone interview from his home north of Boston. “They told me to meet them in Yankee Stadium.

“I got there early and there was no one at the ballpark and I started walking around by myself. I remember walking to the outfield. There were just a few ground crew guys and people cleaning the stands.

“I remember looking at all those monuments. Gehrig. Ruth. Mantle. DiMaggio. Yogi. It just took me back.
...
Red Sox minor league outfielder Andrew Benintendi got the call Monday. The major league trading deadline had passed, and the Sox had not acquired any outfield help, so they made a call to Double A Portland, where the 22-year-old Benintendi was summoned for the final two months of the 2016 pennant race.
...
The Sox stayed in the chase until the final series in Detroit, where they were eliminated on the next-to-last day of the season.

So I guess that season was a failure by Shank standards.

Failure Is Not An Option

One of Shank's favorite column themes - what's gonna happen when things go south?

SEATTLE — The trading deadline came and went and Dave Dombrowski produced no “fireworks.’’ Now it’s up to the people who are still here to make or break this Red Sox season.

Take a good look at the Red Sox today. This is your team for the rest of the year.

Back in January, Sox owner John Henry said that if David Ortiz’s final game is not a playoff game, it would be a “disaster.’’ That’s pretty much where it stands today. After an offseason of spending and the amazing thunder of April and May, this team needs to make the playoffs. If the Sox don’t make it to the postseason, the 2016 season goes down as a failure.

Which is exactly how Shank describes every year the Boston Red Sox do not win the World Series, and even if they do win it all, he chalks it up as a fluke. This is how you know you're dealing with a Grade A asshole. Fuck this guy.