And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXX

Since it doesn't look like we'll have Shank to kick around today, we'll just instead go to the next available target:

In my book Undocumented, I included a section on newspaper delivery. I criticized the way workers were classified as independent contractors, meaning that they could receive less than minimum wage and be excluded from workers’ compensation and unemployment benefits. I pointed out that they work 365 days a year, starting between one and four in the morning, could not miss a day of work unless they arranged for their own replacement, and had to drive hundreds of miles a week, paying for their own gas and car maintenance. Finally, I noticed that regardless of the severity of a snow emergency or whether the streets had even been plowed, workers were required to show up for their routes. “It’s a job,” I wrote, “made for an undocumented immigrant.” Indeed, in the Boston area and elsewhere in the United States, immigrants make up a large portion of the newspaper delivery labor force.

I never imagined that a few years later I would be sitting in a room with a half dozen newspaper delivery workers who were demanding a return to the conditions I had described—because the new Boston Globe delivery company, ACI Media Group of Long Beach California, had significantly worsened their working situation. In Lynn, Massachusetts, workers found significant labor and community support for their demands as members of the Lynn Worker Center, the North Shore Labor Council, the New Lynn Coalition, IUE-CWA Local 201, the Lynn City Council and the Lynn School Committee vowed to support their struggle.

Over the years the Boston Globe has piously lectured us about the importance of unions and the fair treatment of employees, only to have us witness the exact opposite treatment when it concerns their own employees. They deserve every word of criticism they're getting for this debacle, and I'm loving every damn millisecond of it.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXIX

I'm wondering when the same thing will happen at 135 Morrissey Boulevard...

NEW YORK -- Al Jazeera America will shut down its operations in the United States by the end of April, the company told employees in a meeting on Wednesday.

Al Jazeera America President Kate O’Brian tearfully relayed the news to stunned colleagues, alongside CEO Al Anstey. In a memo to staff, Anstey said the decision was driven by the “fact that our business model is simply not sustainable in an increasingly digital world, and because of the current global financial challenges.”

Get Yer Rehashed Columns Here!

Tune to 98.5 FM to hear Shank re-read yesterday's column:

On @ZoandBertrand now until noon. Zo is pumped and jacked like Pete Carroll. Bert Breer filling in for Beetle

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 12, 2016

UPDATE AT 11:05 AM: Even his stories are old. The Stones concert in Altamount, 1969? Really?

UPDATE AT 11:17 AM: Tough segment to listen to. Shank was silent most of the time, which was a blessing. He sounded very un-knowledgeable about pro football right before the end if the segment, screwing up multiple player names. Beetle's absence is obvious.

UPDATE AT 11:51 AM: What's this? "Dapper Dan's Dates of Distinction" - Various birthdays and 'On this day in history...' Riveting radio, guys!

UPDATE AT 12:02 AM: It was funny to listen to Shank butcher a few names during that segment...

A Tale Of Two Shanks - II

Attention, readers - while not exactly a newsflash, this is why Dan Shaughnessy is one of the worst sportswriters out there. In a span of less than twenty-four hours, Shank oscillates wildly from 'March of the Tomato Cans' (see the previous post) to this:

It feels different this year. The Patriots have dutifully signed up for the playoffs with their usual first-round bye and second-round home game (thank you, Buffalo, Miami, and New York), but this year it feels that in order to go to the Super Bowl, they are actually going to have to (gulp) . . . earn it. Imagine.

This year, the Tomato Cans have not toppled in the correct order. Everything has not gone New England’s way. A berth in Super Bowl 50 is going to have to be won by beating another good team in the playoffs. This time, it won’t be enough to stand back and watch the other guys set themselves on fire.

For the New England Patriots, nothing has changed in this one day time span, but he has the gall to write this column as though something did change. Anyone who has read this wildly inconsistent and illogical sportswriter for any length of time knows precisely why Shank's now pulling his punches - it is an effort, however insincere and lacking in consistency with previous columns, to appear even handed and semi-thoughtful and not the lazy and repetitive slouch he is.

It is also part of another strategy. When Shank bores us with an unrelenting torrent of 'tomato cans' tweets and columns, he is setting up the highest expectations possible for the Patriots so he can take his patented world class dump on them should they fail to deliver anything less than the Lombardi Trophy.

Do not be fooled by Shank's circus act.

90th Verse, Same As The First

Sometimes you're good at trolling, sometimes you're not. This is one of the latter times.

Pats prepare for playoffs pic.twitter.com/rFVIxkYfXD

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 10, 2016

Way to be lazy https://t.co/4VRjMF645f

— Scott Zolak(@scottzolak) January 10, 2016

The Stupid, It Burns - III

Shank tries stand-up comedy again:

Worried that Pete might call a slant pass after Vikings missed game winning FG

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 10, 2016

At Least He Was Nice Enough Not To Call Them Frauds

Twitter's One Trick Pony, ladies and gentlemen!

Houston. Texans. Tomato. Cans. It never changes.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 9, 2016

Familiar Concept

Shaughnessy? DuPont? Volin? Finn? You make the call !

It just wouldn't be the Globe without a sports writer looking down his nose at the fanbase on an almost daily basis. https://t.co/yHdFFjHnHg

— Andy from WEEI (@AndyWEEI) January 9, 2016

Didn't Know They Were Into That Sort Of Thing

Too much information here?

Always enjoy @DaleEArnold shitting on @Dan_Shaughnessy.

— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) January 8, 2016

The One Where People Disagree With 'Objective'Bruce

Back at ya, Bruce!

The world is a better place when Kirk Minihane is writing. https://t.co/VcQkubbo7t

— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) January 7, 2016

UPDATE AT 6:22 PM - Here's the link to the Minihane article, an excellent and much needed Tour de Force about the imploded credibility of ESPN's Chris Mortensen. Please add this to the massive media double standard on reporting about Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning that I mentioned in the post below.

In case you're wondering how this is related to Shank - his avatar is a picture of Shank. Close enough for me!

UPDATE II, AT 6:42 PM - Here's the thread that prompted this post.

UPDATE III, AT 6:50 PM - Typo corrected. Sorry, 'Objective'Bruve!

DHL Dan - XXIX

Yes, that number does seem pretty low, doesn't it?

In any event, I started wondering if Shank and the Patriots being off this week was a coincidence. How did I misjudge Shank's dedication to his craft?

Picked-up pieces while wondering whether this is the year Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis (0-6) finally wins a playoff game.

That would be no...

■ Lots of boo-hoo “why did they pick on Tom Brady and let Peyton Manning off the hook?” programming on the numerous 24-7 Patriot propaganda radio shows this week.

When a reporter (among many others) shows one standard for a quarterback accused of deflating footballs (hang 'em high!) and then readily admits bias in dismissing the more serious charges of HGH use by another quarterback, it's not 'boo-hooing'. It's calling into question a serious charge of media bias, a concept Shank should be quite familiar with.

■ I’m taking the Bengals, Chiefs, Seahawks, and Packers this weekend. But I’m the same guy who thought the Patriots would actually try, and therefore demolish, the Dolphins last weekend.

So take the Steelers, Texans, Vikings and the Redskins, everybody!

Larry Bird sighting? You betcha!

■ LeBron James just turned 31 (Dec. 30, same birthday as Sandy Koufax and Tiger Woods) and has already played more career minutes than Larry Bird or Magic Johnson.

■ Nomar Garciaparra got eight Hall of Fame votes out of 440. He’s officially off the ballot. Think of what could have been. This man hit .372 and .357 as a righthanded batter in the American League. One year, he knocked in 98 runs batting leadoff. He was on his way to Cooperstown.

"Hey, Nomar - remember when we were best buddies? Good times, man!

■ When Kevin Garnett came through town with the T-Wolves last month, there was a lot of buzz about KG getting his Celtics number (5) retired. Danny Ainge is among those who thinks this is a good idea.

We all know Garnett is the one who changed everything in 2007-08 when the Celtics won their 17th championship. Still, I’m a tad reluctant on this one. Garnett played only six seasons here.

The best case for KG is Dennis Johnson, who played only seven seasons in Boston but got his number retired with no debate. DJ won two championships with the Green but certainly never had the impact Garnett did.

KG was instrumental in the Celtics winning that championship - retire his number.

This blogger is with Shank on this one - shitting on Rick Pitino!

■ Ranting about coverage of sex parties at his basketball players’ dormitory, Louisville coach Rick Pitino acknowledged, “Did one person do some scurrilous things? I believe so . . . For the life of me, I can’t figure it out. He knew better and was taught better by his parents and me.’’ Pitino is on slippery ground on this one. He’s the same guy who admitted to police that he had sex with a woman (who later tried to extort him) in a Louisville restaurant in 2003.

In case you were wondering, Shank still hates numbers:

■ Just when you think the Cleveland Browns can’t be any dumber, they hire a baseball analytics guy to rescue the franchise. Paul DePodesta is the Harvard guy portrayed by Jonah Hill in “Moneyball.’’ Clevelanders are hoping his skill set translates to football. What are the football equivalents of WAR, OPS, UZR, and high-leverage innings?

One of the few times Shank gets to hype his alma mater:

■ Former Holy Cross basketball star Bob Kissane, who played in Europe many years ago, suggests the NBA consider a rule that would allow the fouled team to take the ball and restart the shot clock instead of automatically going to the free throw line.

Lame bands from fifty years ago? We got you covered!

■ Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Brian Wilson (his cousin Mike Love is Kevin Love’s uncle) had his own version of Alex Guerrero back in the day. The fellow’s name was Dr. Gene Landy. Look him up sometime.

And what column is truly complete without a little more Boston Globe bashing?

■ The one and only good thing to come out of the Globe’s home-delivery nightmare is the reinforcement that a lot of you folks still care about your printed hometown newspaper and still consider it part of your daily routine. Thank you. We will do better.

Dwindling circulation numbers and ad revenue coupled with increased prices and reduced content - it's a bargain!

The One Where Shank Rehashes Yet Another Column

What's old is new again:

On with @ZoandBertrand now until noon. Lots of BB Hall of Fame talk. I love the BBWAA.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 7, 2016

Celebrating His Favorite Decade

Today in 1971, former heavyweight champ Sonny Liston is found dead. An intimidating man, in OR out of the ring. pic.twitter.com/oX2Pv5KPOX

— Super 70s Sports (@Super70sSports) January 5, 2016

Keeping The Dream Alive

Trying to sell a few more books, Shank?

Reminded by Alex Speier, today is the 96th anniversary of Frazee selling Ruth to the Yankees. "Theyare taking quite a gamble,'' he warned.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 5, 2016

Important Question Asked

We've been wondering the same thing for over ten years, mate!

Can you now apologize for decades of shitty columns? https://t.co/R83Nsj2Sv4

— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) January 4, 2016

Sorry to have used word "heroic" describing Globe staffers efforts on home delivery. Sloppy/inappropriate used of that word. My bad.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 3, 2016

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXVIII

Why not do it yourselves, like you used to? Teamsters cost too much?

Worst moves in John Henry's Boston tenure: 1. Carl Crawford. 2. Bobby Valentine. 3. Hiriing ACI Media Group to deliver Globe.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 4, 2016

A Tale Of Two Shanks

Shank, January 1st, 2016:

The Patriots are going to crush the Miami Dolphins Sunday.

Shank, January 3rd, 2016:

It feels as if the Patriots did not try to win their final game.

Insulting, Unprofessional Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Stay classy, Shank!

The high chairs are back! Or maybe Bob and Jon brought phone books for boost.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 3, 2016

Let The Second Guessing Begin! - II

Shank, who has pretended to be in the Patriots' corner for most of the season, now seems to have some doubts:

So . . . the Patriots really don't care about home field vs. Denver in potential AFC championship?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 3, 2016

Dead Horse, Beaten Some More

Shank makes an interesting and unique point just before the Patriots - Dolphins kickoff.

Oh, wait...

Pats win coin toss. AGAIN. That's 28 of 36. Wow. Defer. No confusion this time. How do they do it?????????

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 3, 2016

Check the coins, Shank!

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXVII

Too bad you left the Boston Globe seven years ago, Bruce - you missed out on your chance to be a real paperboy:

If you're a subscriber to the Boston Globe, the person who delivered your Sunday paper might have been the same person who wrote part of it.

Fed up after nearly a week of widespread delivery problems, dozens of reporters and editors at the Globe worked until dawn Sunday morning to deliver thousands of copies of the paper.

The Globe said it was a "small gesture to show our Globe customers that we are working hard" to address the problems.

Managing editors, political columnists, sports reporters, and web producers all showed up at the printing press around midnight.

Steve Wilmsen, an editor, tweeted that "pretty much the whole Boston Globe newsroom" was present: "Paper routes for a night."

Crime reporter Evan Allen posted a picture of metro reporter Milton Valencia pointing at his front page story.

"Now he is going to deliver it," Allen said.

With a bonus picture of what a douche hipster Globie looks like:

@MiltonValencia wrote this front page centerpiece and now he is going to deliver it @BostonGlobe pic.twitter.com/yj0fNXSN1o

— Evan Allen (@EvanMAllen) January 3, 2016

Speaking Of Trash Cans...

This is a Shank column that's in the running to be put into the nearest trash can. During the week where the biggest NFL story revolves around Peyton Manning, Shank can't be bothered about that subject because he's too busy making stupid, ill advised predictions:

The Patriots are going to crush the Miami Dolphins Sunday.

Just like last week, Shank?

Last weekend’s stunning loss to the Jets...

What was so 'stunning' about that loss? A 9-5 team with a top 5 defense was hosting a 12-2 team that's been riddled with injuries on both sides of the ball. It's 'stunning' to Shank in that 'fake praise' sort of way.

Shank can't be bothered about current news like Peyton Manning because he's too busy living in the past. Specifically, rehashing the Cheating Patriots theme and in a new (for Shank) twist, putting words into the mouths of the Miami Dolphins:

And now . . . as if the Patriots needed any extra incentive, the Dolphins have reintroduced the scarlet letter.

“C.”

As in “Cheatin’.”

It has been amusing to follow the Patriots across football America this season. Photos of deflated footballs and headlines about nefarious activities have trailed them from Buffalo to Denver. We have seen the 16-game schedule stretch into a new calendar year, and just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathtub waters of Biscayne Bay . . . the Dolphins took us right back to warm drinks and trash cans.

Warm drinks and trash cans. In case you forgot, that was the dismissive phrase that rolled off the tongue of Bill Belichick the one time he was inspired to defend his team and its legacy. Belichick’s boiling point came on the heels of Deflategate, Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin suggesting that folks were messing with his headset in the season opener at Gillette Stadium, and then two (piling on) cheating stories compiled by ESPN and Sports Illustrated.

Here is the Miami Herald story Shank is referring to.

Let's be blunt here - Shank's being real cute with this one. A 'recent accusation' of an incident by an unnamed member of the Dolphins organization that supposedly occurred two months ago is being treated without an ounce of skepticism by Shank. Why wasn't this news when it supposedly happened? He's basically using two month old 'news' to deceive his reading audience because it appeared in a recent news column. Hacktastic job there, Shank! It's hard (actually, it's not!) for me to believe my opinion of Shank as a disingenuous scumbag just got even lower.

On top of that, naturally, his prediction of a Patriots blowout is contradicted by relatively recent Patriots trips to Miami and his own observation:

The Patriots have lost three of five. Unlike typical Belichick teams, they are not playing their best at the end of the season. They have a lot of injured players.

How'd that prediction work out last week, asshole?

The Stupid, It Burns - II

No juvenile cheap shot insult is bad enough to have ignorant, low class Twitter users throw around:

@Dan_Shaughnessy Are the Kraftsletting the Jacobs use the high chairs at Gillette today?

— Tom Slowe(@TMSlowe) January 1, 2016

The Stupid, It Burns

And it apparently spreads. What hath Shank wrought?

Claude Julien is in the room thinking about how to defer the puck drop. #fireclaude

— Fluto Shinzawa (@GlobeFluto) January 1, 2016

Hendu

Shank gets 'round to writing a column about former Red Sox player David Henderson, who passed away last week.

This blogger gets the impression it was written for two reasons - to memorialize Hendu, and to remind everyone the manner in which the 1986 Red Sox lost the World Series.

He Means Anything Recorded After 1979

On @ZoandBertrand now until noon. Hardy and Keefe filling in today. We are playing some awful music and readying to talk about coin tosses

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 29, 2015

Is Shank Pretending To Be An NBA Scout?

I couldn't help but think that when I read this article:

The latest case comes from a NBA scout who anonymously commented on several of Kentucky’s basketball players to Sportsnet New York’s Adam Zagoria in the wake of the Wildcats’ 75-73 win over Louisville Saturday, praising point guard Tyler Ulis, offering mixed comments on shooting guard Jamal Murray and calling big man Skal Labissiere a “fraud,” “a ‘Paper Tiger,'” and “a mock draft myth.”

One word here certainly sticks out, doesn't it?

It's not like Shank lacks the motivation to take a shot at coach Calipari. I'm just asking the question!

Flipped Out

It's Dan's World...we just live in it.

Or so he wants us to think, given the lede to his column today:

It amuses me that the football world is talking about coin flips, deferrals, arrogance, hubris, amazing luck, insulting the opposition, and the Patriots’ chances to win Super Bowl 50 in Santa Clara Feb. 7.  

Welcome to my world. I’ve been writing about this stuff for years. Finally, everyone is paying attention.

Ahh, yes. The CHB knows football! He knows Cover 2 and the stack. He knows the nickel and the blind side and the short side. He knows the route tree and the "T."  He even knows the Statue of Liberty (the play and the drink). He's brilliant, and we would do well to bask in his reflected glory.

Getting back to reality, the only thing Shank knows about football is that he can't play it. He certainly can't critique it. What he thinks passes for analysis is really just one part observation mixed with two parts whining.

For example, The CHB thinks he was the first (and only) fellow to notice that Patriots head coach Bill Belichick defers the ball when they win the coin flip (which they almost always do). To The CHB, this is arrogance (and perhaps, cheating). To the rest of us, this is common sense: when the hole parts and you can walk in for the score, you do so.

Next, confirming what we had guessed at before, Shank reports on what all the bloggers and tweeters have to say. We always assumed The CHB spent most of his day listening to talk radio and reading what others wrote, then lifting either the best lines, or, when he was feeling particularly lazy or hungover or both, the entire premise of the column.

He compounds his journalistic sins by alleging for the umpteenth time that the Patriots throw games in order to improve their playoff chances.

Finally, he closes with the most pathetic of puns: "Heads they win. Tails you lose." Stolen from Jim Rome?  Or Ben Watanabe? Or Barstool Sports?

Arrogance is ripping off the same lame retread column and somehow thinking it makes you clever.

...Or Did The Patriots Screw Up In Overtime?

If Shank does a column on this game, this call will be central to it:

The exchange that could help send the Jets to the playoffs... pic.twitter.com/5ErbnKUyfE

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) December 27, 2015

UPDATE AT 4:31 PM - Just heard part of the press conference by coach Belichick. He stated unequivocally that they elected to kick.

Let The Second Guessing Begin!

Posted within seconds of the New York Jets beating the Patriots 26 - 20, Shank invents an excuse for being glaringly wrong on his prior afternoon tweets:

Clearly Pats want Steelers out of the playoffs. This was all planned. Like Cassell throwing pass to Cheerleaders so they woud get Jags

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 27, 2015

Never mind that Baltimore beat Pittsburgh fifteen or so minutes ago, but we gots to be sure!

You Were Saying?

Shank, the great prognosticator:

Pats being thoroughly dominated. Yet their victory feels inevitable

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 27, 2015

You just know the Jets are going to give the Patriots this game

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 27, 2015

Don't panic. Pats know exactly what they are doing. They worked on this on Friday

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 27, 2015

Familiar Concept

Shot:

Jets lose toss. Get ball. Punt. Pats double score now in place. Nothing ever changes.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 27, 2015

Chaser:

@Dan_Shaughnessy "nothingever changes".... Like your takes

— Tom McNaughton (@tmcnaughton33) December 27, 2015

Original Patriots Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Check the coins, Shank!

Seriously, this astounding Patriot coin toss success needs Ted Wells. I thought the Jets had a chance. Not now.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 27, 2015

Your Stupid Shank Tweet Of The Day

Then again, the Patriots haven't won the coin toss yet!

Tomato Can Update: Name top team Pats beat. Pittsburgh? Jets? Only Pats can get # 1 seed without beating anyone.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 27, 2015

Shank Missed Out On A Writing Award

We fully expected Shank to make this list, but it wasn't to be:

The Worst American Sportswriting Of 2015

As we’ve noted before, sportswriting tends to follow what you might call the Anna Karenina Principle. The good stuff—the stuff that makes year-end lists like Longreads’s and Richard Deitsch’s—is all, on a certain level, the same, similarly structured long profile after similarly structured long profile, all in one way or another tracing the actual workings that animate the world of superficial appearances. The worst is ... not. Every truly bad article and every truly bad post is a unique, delicate flower, blossoming in this harsh world despite its lack of redeeming qualities. So please, read on and bask in the unrepeatable, indescribable, mind-numbing awfulness of 2015’s worst sportswriting.

There's always next year!

Just How Dumb Is This Guy? - III

Alternative headline - The One Where Shank Finally Endorses Cheating!

Let's see if this blogger has this straight - it's not okay when this guy is alleged to have cheated, but it's perfectly fine to suggest throwing a shitload of basketball games in order to secure the services of...

Newsflash: Karl Anthony Towns is a franchise player. Would happily lose every game to get a player like that.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 22, 2015

We should consider the possibility of the Christmas blues setting in, right?

Just How Dumb Is This Guy? - II

It looks like Shank just gave us a new theme:

Wonder if Odell can get Berman to overturn suspension?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 22, 2015

First point - Odell Beckham Jr. is being suspended for one game for multiple penalties in yesterday's game as well as taking a run at Panthers cornerback Josh Norman. Beckham has appealed this decision. Tom Brady was accused of complicity in allegedly deflating footballs before last year's AFC championship game with the Colts and faced a four game suspension, which was appealed, denied by the same man who ruled on the original suspension, then adjuicated in a Federal courtroom, where Judge Berman basically pulled down Roger Goodell's pants and exposed the massive deficiencies in both the examination of evidence and due process procedures inherent in the original ruling and the appeal process.

Second point - is Shank seriously suggesting a one game suspension for an attempt to injure Josh Norman is worthy of a Federal judge's intervention?

This blogger will go with Shank's historical propensity for trolling & stirring the pot; for him to suggest otherwise simply shows a staggering lack of perspective or a room temperature IQ.

That's Original

Shank must be hung over if it took him this long into the game to uncork this inanity:

Remember the Titans

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 20, 2015

A tweet in response, keeping with the Christmas spirit:

@Dan_Shaughnessy Please drop dead

— TrollSkipBayless(@TrollSkipBayles) December 20, 2015

UPDATE, AT 4:53 PM: Kirk Minihane appreciates Shank's pop culture arrival into more recent times:

You kidding? I'm impressed. That movie came out this century. https://t.co/fRhxNeQnz4

— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) December 20, 2015

Just How Dumb Is This Guy?

Ignore for a moment the endless juvenile nature of the subject matter at hand:

Pats win more than 75 percent of coin tosses. Statistical impossibility

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 20, 2015

Aren't alleged professional writers obliged to be somewhat precise with words? The odds of winning a lottery are in the millions to one range, but it is not impossible to win a lottery. Conversely, winning coin tosses at a 75% rate translates to 4 to 1 odds, which makes this situation improbable, but not a 'statistical impossibility'. It's self-evident numbers are not Shank's strong suit.

Hall No, Shank Won't Go!

The CHB today whines about how the Hall of Fame was "more fun when it was all about baseball. Comparing Player A to Player B."

Our question: When did it stop being about that?

If anything, comparing what actually happened on, you know, the field, is more than ever about what took place between the white lines, since understanding the effects -- if any -- of what took place outside them isn't possible. But since Shank is stuck in the gravity of his own id, there's no other way to took at it.

On with the nitpicking!

On the subject of new candidate Trevor Hoffman, Shank says "saves are overrated, especially in the era in which Hoffman pitched." Give him Goose Gossage and Rollie Fingers, he says.
Except he didn't vote for Gossage, but he did for one-inning marvel Dennis Eckersley.

As for saves, if they were overrated then, they have always been overrated, since getting five or six outs really isn't that much harder than getting three. It'd be great to know whether Shank voted for Rollie Fingers in the 1981 MVP race, given he pitched all of 78 innings that year. Given who finished runner-up, I'll bet he did.

That said, saves are overrated, which makes some of the other arguments The CHB attempts even more nonsensical. Such as: "woe is [he who] values things like wins." He promptly insists he won't vote for Mike Mussina despite his 270 wins because "he always pitched for good teams."

Except that he didn't. I looked it up.

Mussina pitched for the Orioles for 10 seasons, from 1991 - 2000. During that time, Moose went 147-81 (a 65% winning percentage). The Orioles as a team were 926-812 (53%). Perhaps Shank stopped to consider that maybe the reason the O's were good was because they had Mussina? As for "always good teams," consider that in those 10 seasons, the O's finished below .500 five times. Nice try, though!

Moreover, his entire premise is a clear admission that wins are a byproduct of something far bigger than just "I pitched good." None of that kept him from voting for Jack Morris, a far inferior pitcher to Mussina, of course.

Moving on. Shank says he's not going to vote for players who he "thinks" cheated, yet he voted for Paul Molitor, who was a drug user.
  

He calls Alan Trammell a "PED backlash vote," which is downright comical given that Trammell was better than at least a dozen other shortstops who are in the Hall.

Here's the best part (isn't it always?): When he resorts to name-calling. Per usual, it's a shot at those who understand math (the "Bill James Blog Boys"); those guys who actually studied in class and went on to make some serious coin while also doing on the side what The CHB does for a living -- and doing it better than he ever could have dreamed.

Finally, the gist of the column was written in 2009:

2009: "It is one of the great privileges of being a baseball writer.
2015: "It’s still the greatest honor of membership in the vaunted Baseball Writers’ Association of America."

2009: "[Voting] has become a tremendous pain in the posterior."
2015: "Voting for the Hall of Fame ... was more fun when it was all about baseball."

The names may change, but the words remain the same.

Shank's Part-Time Job - Scaring Children

Willl be hanging out with Globe Santa Sunday at Copley Mall (waterfall site) from 11-12:30.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 19, 2015

View from Above

Anyone recognize this place? And would you know if it has Internet in the basement?

Always Tape Machine Recording

Had the displeasure to listen to Shank's weekly appearance on 'Zo and Bertrand at 11:00 this morning. What did he talk about during the first half hour, you ask? John Calipari. In other words, he rehashed his Sunday night column.

Not an original thought in his mind. Absolutely pathetic.

Clearing A Very Low Bar

Bumped into Ted Johnson in Houston press box. He said, "I'm on the radio in Houston now. We are 'The Felger and Mazz' of Houston.''

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 14, 2015

Cal Up in Arms Over UMass Award

This is classic.

The CHB continues blasting the decision by UMass Amherst to honor former men's basketball coach John Calipari and no one cares!

This is not the first time Shank has whined about the pending feting. He made essentially the same argument back in March.

But it's better this time because when The CHB queries UMass president Marty Meehan about the move, the "sports buff and a Massachusetts lifer" completely shoots him down:

In the four months I’ve been on the job as president of the system, I haven’t got one complaint about this from the Amherst campus,’’ said Meehan. “The Amherst campus, the faculty, the dean, the students, they’re not shy. Calipari is very involved with UMass. He’s raised significant money for UMass. He’s contributed to UMass. And we’re a university that needs to get more people to come back and do that.

This is why the joke in j-school is that "dumb sportswriter" is redundant: The CHB has his skirt all tied up in knots over something that no one cared about 20 years ago and is even less (if possible) newsworthy today. It's just sports! It's a kid's game!

Everyone (except, apparently, Shaughnessy) knew Coach Cal was cheating long before the NCAA blew its whistle, and Dapper Dan would have known too, had he not been so busy losing bets and scamming the IRS.

Do you think The CHB feels remorse for asking Tom Werner for a job for his daughter, as has been rumored for years?

Do you believe the Elf on the Shelf is real?

Messing with Texans

Here's The CHB a couple days ago as the Patriots headed into a matchup with the Texans:

[T]he Patriots are a team on the way down. They have lost two in a row. The Texans, meanwhile, are 6-6, hungry, and serious. Patriot Nation is a little nervous about this one. Me, too. There will be no taunting from this space. The wounded, reeling Patriots are on the road against a legit team and fear losing a third consecutive game for the first time in 13 years.

And here's The CHB today, following last night's decisive Patriots victory:

Put your hand to your ear and listen: That clinking and clattering is the sound of Tomato Cans falling down on the Patriots’ path to Super Bowl 50 in Santa Clara, Calif.

In just two days, Shank's flip-flopping goes from unintentional constipation brought on by some serious ass-clenching to his typical a-hole boasting about Patriot/Super Bowl inevitability.

The absolute low-light of the column is when he mocks "the immortal Whitney Mercilus" (once again, it's a minority who is singled out) for missing a tackle on Rob Gronkowski: "Great idea having a linebacker try to cover Gronk."

Which goes to show what The CHB knows about football. (Nothing.)

Indeed, those teams who have attempted to cover Gronk with a defensive back end up peeling the unfortunate souls off his cleats in the end zone.

Yet had The CHB had looked past Mercilus' uniform number and knew anything about his actual experience, he would have correctly noted that a defensive lineman (Mercilus' position in college and before they signed 2012 overall first pick Jadeveon Clowney) caught Gronk from behind 40 yards from the line of scrimmage. That's not such a good thing.

Any chance The CHB will "parachute down from Planet Patriot and get in touch with reality" anytime soon?

Whatever That's Supposed To Mean

Shank, at his incoherent worst:

With 8:56 left in the third, Houston has five first downs..

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 14, 2015

Insults 'R Us

JJ Watt starting to remind me of a talented version of Jonny Gomes

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 14, 2015

Douchebag Alert

Remember Shank's last column saying the Patriots are a team on the way down? He doesn't:

Pats haven't played a down today and elevated to Top Seed as Cans fall down in front of them. Oh, and they won the toss. Deferred. Game ova

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 14, 2015

Bonus douchebaggery for the coin toss / game over mentions. He's so predictable.

Rewriting History - LXXV

Dear Pedro:

Remember that time I wrote a meritorious column about you? We're good now, right?

Your pal,

Shank

A @45PedroMartinez profile by Spink winner @Dan_Shaughnessy can be found in our '15 Yearbook https://t.co/IiWHJO63hF pic.twitter.com/DAaEoHmVLU

— Baseball Hall (@BaseballHall) December 10, 2015

No Laughing Matter

In this week's installment of Patriots columns, Shank gleefully rejoices in his previous trolling efforts:

HOUSTON — We’ve had a lot of fun laughing at the Houston Texans in recent years.

Remember how this went down three years ago? The Texans were 11-1 and came to Foxborough wearing their letterman jackets for “Monday Night Football.” Houston wideout Andre Johnson said it was going to be the biggest game in franchise history. We openly mocked the Texans for their stupid hype of a regular-season game. The Patriots, in turn, mocked them on the field, running to a 21-0 lead in the first 19 minutes. It was 35-7 in the first minute of the fourth quarter. The final was 42-14. It was embarrassing for the Houston frauds.

Five weeks later, the Texans came back for a playoff game and it was the same drill. I wrote that this matchup represented the first time in league history that a team had back-to-back bye weeks to start the playoffs. Arian Foster was so offended he made the Globe column his Twitter avatar. The Texans insisted they deserved respect. We gave them none. The Patriots routed them again, 41-28.

How were we supposed to take the Texans seriously when they had Matt Schaub at quarterback, Fraidy Cat Gary Kubiak as head coach, and bumbling Wade Phillips as defensive coordinator?

Sure enough, a year later the Texans lost 14 consecutive games and everybody got fired.

"Hey - remember that time I wrote a column designed to antagonize an entire city? Good times, good times!"

With injuries hitting the New England Patriots hard going into the latter part of the season, Shank is singing a markedly different tune and is no longer calling opposing teams 'tomato cans':

Things feel different now as the Patriots prepare to play at NRG Stadium on Sunday night. Going into this meeting, the Patriots are a team on the way down. They have lost two in a row. The Texans, meanwhile, are 6-6, hungry, and serious. Patriot Nation is a little nervous about this one. Me, too. There will be no taunting from this space. The wounded, reeling Patriots are on the road against a legit team and fear losing a third consecutive game for the first time in 13 years.

Somehow, this blogger anticipates a) the Patriots winning the coin toss and b) Shank making a stupid tweet or two about it and the game already being over. Same crap, different week!

Catching Up Is Hard To Do - II

This is why Shank wins 'prestigious' awards - the Golden State Warriors came to town on Friday, with former LA Laker Luke Walton now working as an assistant coach for the Warriors. You know the drill by now - half of the column is a walk down Celtics memory lane, complete with multiple Larry Bird sightings.

Catching Up Is Hard To Do

So Shank wins an award from his fellow baseball writers:

Members of the Baseball Writers’ Association of America recognized Shaughnessy for meritorious contributions to baseball writing during his career.

Meritorious contributions indeed! I'll let my co-blogger identify a few of Shank's meritorious contributions:

Would that be "tweaking" like when he called David Ortiz a sad sack of you-know-what? Was it tweaking when he called Carl Everett "the Ebola virus of the Boston clubhouse?" Or when he wrote “We have rejoiced in the retirement of Keith Foulke?” Would that be "exposing" when he wrote, "Why does America hate Barry Bonds so much? Is it because he's too good?" all while neglecting to mention Bonds' PED use for another five years. Was that exposing when he accused Manny Ramirez, the previous season's World Series MVP, of quitting on the team during a month where he put up a .930 OPS and 6 HRs in 24 games?

Let's not forget Shank's most meritorious contribution to baseball writing, the infamous 'Dirty Laundry' column, in which Shank acted as Larry Lucchino's mouthpiece (or Charles Steinberg's, take your pick) in order to trash then Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. This also explains why Shank has been persona non grata at Yawkey Way for the past decade.

This blogger is highly amused by the dichotomy of Shank winning a lifetime achievement award and at the same time being nearly constantly mentioned as one of the worst local sportswriters and / or one of it's most miserable members for covering a team he despises. (UPDATE - Remember Shank being the Most Hated Man in Boston? He can put that on the trophy mantle too!)

Maybe a certain former Boston Globe employee can explain this dichotomy to us?

UPDATE AT 2:05 PM- Yep, we're just piling on, just in case that former Boston Globe employee complains about an insufficient number of data points. When writing about departing or retiring Red Sox players, who can forget about the meritorious nature of the Pedro Martinez column, or a few Roger Clemens columns, or some Manny Ramirez columns, or the Nomar Garciaparra column, or calling Jose Offerman 'a piece of junk', or getting scooped by Yahoo Sports on the chicken & beer fiasco, or...

ERROR - UPDATE HALTED; INSUFFICIENT SERVER SPACE

UPDATE II, AT 3:20 PM - The server error's been resolved!

Yeah. Much has changed since 2002 when I began doing this, but a world in which Dan Shaughnessy is honored by a sports hall of fame is not one which has any sort of grip on what people are interested in. When was the last time Shaughnessy actually wrote a baseball column that was of value? How does that translate to hall of fame worthiness?
...
But it seems now, almost constantly on the air, and more and more in print, that the focus is on making fans miserable. Whether it be mocking them as “fanboys,” attempting to diminish accomplishments, dreaming up doomsday scenarios for local teams, telling us how arrogant the greatest coach in NFL history is, or just the constant trolling, it is enough to make someone wonder just why they subject themselves to this.

It certainly has made me wonder. Why have something so toxic like that as part of your life? It’s not healthy. Toxic things come with a warning. They should be avoided. More and more, I’m avoiding toxic sports media altogether.
...
Dan Shaughnessy has recycled columns and taken the same cheap shots for 25 years, made a cottage industry out of a hokey “curse”and it now rewarded for it by the Baseball Hall of Fame?

How Do You Really Feel, Kirk?

I'm starting to like this guy!

Hate Shaughnessy so I'm biased, but he's a Hall of Famer? Trolling and the same three shitty columns over 25 years gets you to Cooperstown?

— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) December 8, 2015

DHL Dan - L (For Loser)

Shank passes on a column ripping the Patriots only to give us a Picked up Pieces column instead. It's like an early lump of coal in our collective Christmas stocking!

The column started out innocently enough, looking like Shank did his usual column preparation of 'sampling' local sports opinion and passing it off as his own. In this column, however, Shank writes something so phenomenally ignorant, wrong and flat-out stupid, it should settle for all time any argument about Shank having any editorial oversight whatsoever (emphasis mine):

The Patriots were cuffed around by the Giants and Bills and needed miracles to come up with two victories to get to 10-0. This is not a workable formula for success. Ordinarily, winning football games comes down to talent and execution, not the time-tested Patriot way of waiting for the other guy to fall down.

If they want to advance to the Super Bowl, the wounded Patriots can’t simply rely on the brilliance of Bill Belichick, the clutch play of Brady, and the abject mediocrity of the AFC. You actually have to be a good team.

Barely acknowledging the rash of Patriot injuries, it is truly incredible that any 'professional' sports writer can pen such drivel about a team who a) are arguably the best team in football, b) just happens to be the defending Super Bowl champions and 3) who have won 25 of their previous 33 games and assert that this team is bereft of talent and cannot execute plays. Coach Belichick has been preaching 'Do Your Job' for years and we're supposed to take the word of a Boston Globe sports columnist that they're not doing this?

Then again, maybe Shank's just trolling us again?

Not to go all Trent Dilfer on you, but how good are the Patriots right now? They have no running game and no deep threats. Their offensive line has been awful. The defense looked strong in midseason, but lately they can’t stop the run (certainly not without Dont’a Hightower) and they have little pass rush.

Funny how these things were never mentioned by Shank until they lost two games, isn't it?

That's enough idiocy for this blogger in this column; you masochists can read on...

The One Where Larry Bird Steals Shank's Lunch Money

This one had to hurt, Shank...

Despite injured hand, Larry Bird won $160 off Dan Shaughnessy in shooting contest
...
Larry was MVP in ’84, ’85, and ’86, and the height of his powers was ’85. He was on the cover of Time magazine and it was a big deal. That’s when he had the 60-point game in New Orleans against the Atlanta Hawks. So, we found out later he’d gotten in a barroom fight in downtown Boston, down by Faneuil Hall. It was a bar, I think it was called Chelsea’s. Larry had come to the defense of a teammate, or some issue, and doing the old-school Indiana thing he swung at a guy and he messed up his hand. And he was taping it at practice, and it was a very odd-looking kind of a web-taping, splitting his hand into two sets of fingers.

And then the cheap SOB had the nerve to try and expense it with the Globe:

HIMMELSBACH: So wait, you expensed the $160 that you lost in a shooting contest?

SHAUGHNESSY: Yes, and evidently the IRS frowns on the word ‘wager’ in expense accounts, (because it's a personal expense, maybe? - ed.) because it bounced back and they said ‘You cannot put ‘wager’ in an expense account.’ So I just made it eight $20 lunches with [Celtics center] Robert Parish. We just substituted.

Like you really need to know more than that about a person's character.

Larry Bird Watch - II

Larry Legend turns fifty-nine today. Will Shank do something to commemorate this historic occasion?

Patriots Predictions - II

On a scale from 1 to 10, how scathing and vicious will Shank's next column be concerning the Patriots' loss to the Eagles tonight? How many second guesses will there be on a column he began to write just after Malcom Jenkins returned that pick 100 yards for the touchdown to make the score 28 - 14? And will Shank once again mention coach Belichick putting his hands on a female NFL referee?

Outrage Machine Ginned up

Shank's just doing his part to make a mountain out of a molehill, because that's what scumbags do:

Bill is explaining rule to female ref here pic.twitter.com/5pKK8rZIqQ

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 6, 2015

The comments are what you'd expect - half of them sanctimoniously faking indignation and outrage, which has become the new American pastime. Just further proof that Twitter is largely a cesspool for idiots and whiners. Losers, all...

The Sun Rises In The East...

...and Shank continues to make dumb, juvenile tweets during a Patriots game:

We just saw Bears and Giants lose because kickers could not make field goals Gostkowski would make. Oh. And Pats defer. This one over.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 6, 2015

How can one team win over 70 perecent of coin flips? Someday there will be a Quartergate probe

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 6, 2015

Patriots Predictions

Will Shank insult us with blathering Twitter inanities about the Patriots winning the coin toss, or will we get a stern but predictable dire warning of the dreaded 'double score'?

No reason it can't be both - stay tuned!

Shank Needs A Dictionary

For two reasons - the first one's embarrassing enough; what's always bothered this blogger is his decades-long cavalier use of the word 'fraud' to describe people he doesn't like. We'll look forward to Shank's explanation, if he can ever be bothered to articulate it.

Dion Sanders. Great athlete. All time fraud

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 4, 2015

No Price Too Low

The Red Sox have signed David Price, and The CHB is singing Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

"Why quarrel with what the Red Sox will be paying Price if he ultimately gets hurt or falters in the final years of this contract?" he writes.

Oh yes, why indeed? Especially because the Royals -- you remember them? -- won the World Series the season after shedding their best pitcher.

Or perhaps because, just three months into their first season with the Red Sox, The CHB compared high priced free agents Hanley Ramirez and Pablo Sandoval to the "baseball version of Sidney Wicks and Curtis Rowe," two players who by the time they reached the Boston Celtics were known more for their attitude than their production.

The rewrites of history continue. Ben Cherington "failed." (Didn't the Red Sox win a World Series in 2013? I keep forgetting.) David Price is sensitive, but Manny Ramirez (the "diva") and Keith Foulke (whom upon his signing in 2003 The CHB wrote: "People in the A's front office think Keith Foulke made a mistake coming to Boston ... and some of the A's believe Foulke is too sensitive. I tend to agree.") aren't. The Boston farm system is overrated (the best player on the team in 22-year-old Mookie Betts; the AL Silver Slugger award winner as shortstop in 23-year-old Xander Bogaerts; the best defensive OF in baseball in 25-year-old Jackie Bradley Jr.; and enough prospects to land the best closer in baseball, but OK...).

And Shank, it's time to drop the "big bowl of awkward" cliche. That's twice in two months you've rolled it out, and we all know you stole it. Booyah!

The Hurst of Times

Aw, Shank, still crazy after all these years. There he is, dredging up the memories of 1986, and whining about -- of all things -- white collar jobs going to people with college degrees.

Wonder if he thinks any kid out of high school can replace him? Wonder if he knows a blind monkey could?

And in a piece ostensibly on Bruce Hurst, the ex Red Sox hurler who starred in the 86 World Series against the Mets, there are no fewer than four grafs about Roger Clemens.

P.S. Larry Bird sighting!

No More Perfect Season

Being a douchebag Boston Globe sports columnist means never having to say you're sorry, or were wrong about the previous night's tweets declaring the game as already being won for the Patriots. Today we get a typical Shank column - the standard game recap, a inane Red Sox comparison, omission of a major injury (Donta Hightower's sprained MCL) and some dumb and extremely dated song lyrics.

Back At Ya

Kubiak really had 'em ready. Complete Clown Show by the Broncos in the first quarter.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 30, 2015

@Dan_Shaughnessy says the guy with real life clown hair.

— Uncle Brewski(@Uncle_Brewski) November 30, 2015

UPDATE AT 11/30/2015, 12:05 AM - Wondering if Shank's going to backtrack on that tweet anytime soon, in light of recent events. Not that it will stop him from trashing the Patriots in the column he's feverishly working on right now.

Accentuating The Positive

His eternal optimism is what makes him such an outstanding columnist:

Pats win toss. Defer. This one is over. Double score for sure Damn. Was hoping for a little suspense tonight.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 30, 2015

Johnny One Note - II

Just a guess here, but maybe Shank needs some new pregame material?

Folks here in Denver shivering (wind chill 18) as we await the coin flip in less than 30 min. Wonder if Fraidy Cat Kubiak knows what to do?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 30, 2015

Missed Opportunity

Shank's latest column laments the inability to copy and paste previous columns:

DENVER — This was the game we circled on the calendar when the NFL schedule was released last spring. It was supposed to be Brady-Manning XVII, and less than a month ago there was still a possibility that it might feature the first meeting of 10-0 teams in league history.

Instead, we’re getting Brady-Osweiler I, which lacks a certain gravitas. Oh, and the Broncos have lost two of their last three, and had to work hard to earn a 2-point win over the Chicago Bears last week.

Shank then spares the readers the typical mail-it-in column:

So, we’ll put the Russell-Chamberlain, Ali-Frazier comparisons on the shelf for the weekend. We may have seen the last of Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning.

... only to instead remind you how bad the Patriots suck in Denver:

The Mile High City has not been New England’s friend. It is, instead, where the sidelines are sprinkled with Kryptonite dust. Patriot Superman Brady is an underwhelming 2-5 lifetime in Denver. He’s been on the losing side four times in five tries since that fateful night in 2003 when Bill Belichick ordered long snapper Lonie Paxton to hike the football through New England’s end zone to take a safety. Brady wound up throwing a game-clinching TD pass to David Givens in a 30-26 New England win.

Because Shank's at his best when one of the hometown teams is at its worst.

Whoops!

Shank, Sunday afternoon:

The best part about the Patriots playing “Monday Night Football?”

Easy.

It’s Sunday. The day before the Patriots play. That’s the day you get to sit in your den and watch the Pats’ pitiful competition in the AFC.

Seriously. I know you’ve all heard plenty about the annual Waltz of the Tomato Cans, but has it ever been easier than this? Has the Patriots’ conference competition ever been more pathetic, more injured, more hopeless? Every team in New England’s path just falls down, crashes, and burns. Seeing what happened to Denver, Miami, Baltimore, and the Jets on Sunday — coupled with Cincinnati’s embarrassing performance at home last Monday night, I thought the Patriots might mathematically clinch another AFC East before setting foot on the Foxborough turf Monday night. Truly. Do we really have to go through another seven regular-season games and three weeks of playoffs before stamping the Patriots ticket to Super Bowl 50 in Santa Clara?

Shank, after last night's win over the Bills:

The Revenge Tour has become the Survival Tour.

Once dominant, once a bully, the perfect Patriots find themselves struggling to play at a championship level.

Sounds strange, and a tad greedy, doesn’t it? I can think of fans in 30 other markets who’d be happy to have our “problems” here in New England. But because of their own success, a Super Bowl championship is the expectation in Foxborough, and the latest trending is not favorable.

The Patriots just got their butts kicked by both the Giants and Bills . . . and won both games because the other guys could not finish the job. The Patriots staggered to a 20-13 victory over the (ever-able-to-beat-themselves) Buffalo Bills Monday night.

No surprise here that Shank turns on a dime yet again at the first sign of trouble. On the bright side - guess the Bills are Tomato Cans no more!

Close BC / Irish Game

... but you'd barely know that after trudging through this column. Here's the sole paragraph devoted to discussing the game:

The Irish had butterfingers on this night and made a mockery of their top-four ranking while playing a vastly inferior opponent. (BC is 3-8 and has lost seven straight.) Against a strong BC defense, the Irish fumbled four times (two lost) and were intercepted three times. Notre Dame turned the ball over three times in the red zone. If Bill Belichick coached either of these teams Saturday, the Hoodie would have been fitted for a straightjacket after the game. The Irish were the definition of “overrated.’’ The Eagles were unwatchable on offense.

The rest of the column was evidently written before & during the game. Talk about mailing it in!

One Trick Pony - II

Notre dame must be using over inflated footballs

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 22, 2015

Pasty White Irishman Rejoices

Fenway ready for the Irish pic.twitter.com/CuBX8bFXxJ

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 20, 2015

'Papi-ng' Off over Ortiz Retirement

In feting -- if one can call it that -- David Ortiz, who announced his retirement this week, The CHB falls back on a well-worn (worn out?) cliche of who belongs on the Boston Mt. Rushmore.

His picks: Bill Russell, Bobby Orr, Ted Williams and Tom Brady. Obvious choices, and hardly novel, given that the same path was taken in the Boston Herald in February. Usually The CHB does a better job of hiding his source material.

Attentive readers might recall a couple months after the Herald column, Boston.com ran a similar survey, limiting choices to Red Sox players. That one spurred The CHB to call such parlor games "contrived."

He has a point: This is an age-old conversation starter. Going back to 2009, for instance, ESPN had Williams, Brady, Orr and Red Auerbach.

But as always, Shank is his own worst enemy. Indeed, he has been yammering on about the Boston Mount since at least since 2004, when following the Patriots' second Super Bowl win he imagined Tom Brady's visage carved in place along with Williams, Bill Russell, Orr, and Larry Bird. (That's five busts, for those who are counting.)

A year later he reiterated those choices while extolling the virtues of one Adam Vinatieri (remember him?).

By 2011, we were back to four, with Larry Legend having been supplanted, at least in Shank's mind.

Indeed, this is one of his favorite topics, next to ragging on Dominican divas (a label he once again sticks to Ortiz, as if running around on two damaged knees and standing in against 100 mph heaters somehow makes you a wimp) and inserting Larry Bird references into columns where they have no business being.

Like this one.

That Didn't Work Out So Well

Shank tried trolling Patriots fans a few hours ago:

No doubt the Ideal Gas Law folks can explain why Patriots are fumbling more often, and dropping more passes at home this year. #Just sayin'

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 17, 2015

...and got his ass handed to him by over one hundred responses, including these:

@Dan_Shaughnessy they had 0.9 fumbles per game at home last year… 0.8 this year. stop listening to morons on the radio

— Mike (@gtfo) November 17, 2015

@Dan_Shaughnessy I don't know, why did Calvin Murphy miss 31 FT in 1980 and only 9 the following year? #variation

— Bob Lessick (@lessick) November 17, 2015

@Dan_Shaughnessy Serious question: did you do any research at all to find out if that was actually true before tweeting it? Seems it's false

— Jason Manganello(@JasonM124) November 18, 2015

@Dan_Shaughnessy classic troll by Shank - numbers be damned!

— John Reardon (@johnreardon68) November 18, 2015

Wide Right

Shank takes another shot at comedy, and fails miserably.

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Welcome to Super Bowl 50, where the undefeated New England Patriots (18-0) will take on the .500 New York Giants (8-8 regular season) in the teams’ third Super Bowl matchup since February of 2008.

“We don’t care about what’s happened in the past,’’ Patriots coach Bill Belichick said Monday evening at the SAP Center, home of Joe Thornton and the NHL’s San Jose Sharks. “The only thing that matters is Sunday’s game against the Giants.’’

All true, of course. But the nation is agog over the prospect of this ultimate rematch. It was the New York Giants who derailed history with a 17-14 upset of the undefeated Patriots in Glendale, Ariz., in Super Bowl XLII eight years ago this week. Four years after that game, the Giants again beat the Patriots (21-17) in Super Bowl XLVI in Indianapolis.

Shank writes this column still pretending to like the Patriots, and this unclever ploy becomes clear when you read the rest of the column. Why, then, does he continue to mention Deflategate, Ernie Adams, Brady's appearance with Jim Gray at Salem State back in May, the fines paid by the Patriots, Brady's personal trainer, Judge Richard Berman and mocked coach Belichick's purposefully mangling the names of social media sites? Does he think these are still relevant topics, or is he just being a dick?

The One Where Shank Rips Off Felger & Mazz... Again

Shank's recent column on the upcoming Pats / Giants game, about an hour ago:

It’ll be different Sunday afternoon at 4:25 in the Meadowlands. The New York Giants probably won’t win the game, but they will not lose because their coach is overwhelmed or afraid of the Hoodie. The coach of the New York Football Giants is Tom Coughlin and he fears nothing. Including Belichick.

Coughlin knows almost everything there is to know about Belichick the coach. They spent some formative years together (1988-90) in the House of Bill Parcells when the Almighty Tuna was winning Super Bowls in East Rutherford, N.J.

Coughlin was the Giants wide receivers coach while Belichick was deep into his reign as the Tuna’s defensive coordinator. Coughlin was an even bigger football nut than Belichick. When Parcells called the Giants team offices on Christmas Day, it was Coughlin, not Belichick, who answered the phone. After two rings.

Now, go here, scroll down to Nov. 12th, Hour 1, and listen to the first twelve minutes of the show.

Eeerily similar, no? This game was discussed to death the past three days on local sports radio; either Shank is unoriginal (which we already know) or he copied & pasted the transcripts (which we also already know he's done in the past).

Larry Bird Watch

Shank gets an early Christmas present - a phone interview with Larry Legend:

Memo to Boston fans: Larry Bird still loves you and he loves your teams. Even from his home state of Indiana, the Heartland of Deflategate Hate.

“I never root against the Boston teams,’’ Bird said in a phone interview while his Indiana Pacers prepared to face the Celtics at TD Garden Wednesday night. “There’s no sports town like Boston. I don’t care where you go.

“They talk about Chicago and Philadelphia. No. They don’t ever compare to Boston. I mean, there’s ladies in their 90s and they can name every player on the Red Sox and Patriots team. You just don’t have it anywhere like that.

Incorrect Assessment

A little off timing with the inane commentary:

Something wrong if u liked that pats game. Not contested. Not fun. Perfunctory boredom. Sorry. See u in Santa Clara

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 9, 2015

At least he did us a favor and didn't subject us to a full column of the same - thanks, Shank!

The Patriots Lost The Coin Toss

... so Shank hasn't yet tweeted out anything inane about deferring possession to the second half / game over / double score & all that crap. I'm sure you're as disappointed as we are...

Congratulations, Objective Bruce!

You finally wrote a worthwhile story. Either that, or I don't care to follow you anymore.

What's your connection to Hingham, personal or professional? Do tell, bunky!

DHL Dan - XLIX

Here's your semi-fortnightly serving of Shank's random thoughts on various subjects, like a bogus cheap shot at the Patriots while pretending to be on the bandwagon:

Picked-up pieces while contemplating 16-0 and 19-0 . . .

■ This doesn’t get mentioned enough: The No. 1 reason the Patriots win every week is ball security. Through seven games the Patriots have THREE giveaways. Two lost fumbles and one interception (which we all know was an accurate pass that bounced off Julian Edelman). The Patriots never, ever give the ball away. Not even with properly inflated footballs. The Detroit Lions already have 20 giveaways.

Ancient Celtics story? You bet!

■ Nov. 5 marks the 30th anniversary of Bill Walton’s 32d birthday, which was also the day his first wife arranged to have a stripper perform for him at midcourt of the gym at Hellenic College (Holy Cross Greek Orthodox School of Theology) after Celtics practice.

Rewriting history? We got you covered!

■ World Series TV ratings were up this year (thank you, Mets), but the final game was still beaten by “Sunday Night Football.” It was 23 million for Packers-Broncos compared with 17.2 million for Mets-Royals. Closer than I expected.

...

■ Five World Series games should be enough to alert 30 general managers about the risks of taking on Yoenis Cespedes. New York Rangers coach Alain Vigneault ripped Cespedes, saying, “How ’bout when you take the ball off [the knee] and you take yourself out of the game in the World Series,” then apologized for the remark.

Funny, I don't remember Shank complaining about him when he was with the Red Sox...

Snooze Radio

Just in time for your mid-day nap:

On with @ZoandBertrand now until 1:00. Zo is fired up to see the Colts losing.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 3, 2015

The One Where Dan Confuses 'Formula' with 'Strategy'

So Kansas City is the World Series champions. God help us all.

That's not because KC is somehow undeserving. While this team will never be seen as a threat to Murderer's Row, and in all likelihood not a single player from either season's model will make the Hall of Fame, they have made it to the big dance two years running: Clearly they are doing something right.

Rather, the problem is that lazy observers like The CHB will somehow try to extrapolate genius from what is, more than anything, simply good timing.

"KC’s formula [emphasis mine] was the same throughout the 2015 postseason," writes The CHB. "The Royals would fall behind, rally in the eighth or ninth, then wait for the Mets to blunder. It worked just about every time ... "

Such a presentation suggests that 1) there is an advantage to falling behind and 2) that the Royals deliberately did so. Nonsense, all.

In baseball, of course, the team with the lead sees a big jump in win expectancy. As Dave Cameron writes at FanGraphs today: "[The Royals] late-game offensive success was remarkable, but there just isn’t much evidence that it’s something that can be planned on; KC hitters had a .691 OPS and averaged 0.11 runs per plate appearance from the seventh inning on during the regular season. While there was a lot of talk about contact hitters providing a huge advantage in those situations, the Royals were basically the best contact team ever during the regular season and didn’t see it translate into success against elite relievers for the first six months of the year."

If the Royals were better than their peers in overcoming leads in late innings, it's likely because their own bullpen was so good at shutting down opponents and keeping the game winnable.

And no Shank column would be complete without a few obvious cliches, in this case references to John McNamara, who failed to substitute Dave Stapleton for Bill Buckner in 1986, and Grady Little, who left a gassed Pedro Martinez in against the Yankees in 2003. The CHB is as dependent on framing everything in Red Sox terms as he is on oxygen to breathe.

If you want to read a good column on the Royals victory and what it means, click here.

Royal Failure

Hahaha. One day after positing that a 98-mile-an-hour heater from Mets' righty Noah Syndergaard had changed the Series, its the victimized Royals who apparently were fired up.

This after they came back to beat the Mets in Game 4, prompting The CHB to write: "Their manhood was challenged ... momentum had shifted [and] they came back swinging."

It was a great game, filled with questionable managerial decisions and crucial plays, both positive and -- in the case of playoff hero Daniel Murphy, whose misplay of a grounder in 8th allowed the Royals to tie the score in what became a 5-3 Royals win. Any of this would have made for a great baseball column. But Shank just isn't capable of that.

Funny: Eric Hosmer, who butchered a grounder in Game 1 that could have cost the Royals the game (they tied it with a homer in the 9th and then won it in extra innings), hits a crappy little grounder right at Murphy. The latter boots it, but it's Hosmer who, per The CHB, is "ever-clutch."

We can be thankful, I suppose, there were no Bill Buckner references.