Shank Says Something Nice About A Kraft

Unfortunately, it's in passing:

She was the conscience and soul of the Patriots, a woman who came to football reluctantly, through marriage, then used the currency of football fame to enhance her lifelong missions of fund-raising and philanthropy.

Myra Kraft was a wonderful wife, mother, and grandmother. She spent her life trying to make things better for everyone else. And we can pay tribute to her here on the sports pages today because by any measurement, Myra Kraft was one of the most important women in the history of New England sports.

“Without Myra Kraft, it’s quite possible we’d be going to Hartford to watch the Patriots,’’ former Globe plagiarist columnist Mike Barnicle said yesterday after it was announced that Myra succumbed to cancer at the age of 68. “Obviously, Bob Kraft has deeps roots in this area, but Myra was so much a part of this community - the larger community beyond the sports world - she was never going to allow her husband to leave.’’

I wonder why it seems that we're only hearing about Myra's philanthropy now; maybe she was just really low-key about it?

Slow News Week

Just as I was saying the best thing about Shank's picked up pieces columns was their infrequency, along comes Shank with another one.

Pardon me if I sound like Larry King, but what’s up with this Twitter madness? It strikes me as trendy, immature, and entirely unnecessary. What you had for lunch is of no interest to me. Increasingly, tweeting seems to be getting athletes in trouble.

Remember Rashard Mendenhall on Osama Bin Laden? The Raiders and Steelers on Hines Ward? All those players ripping Jay Cutler after the loss to the Packers? It’s just too easy to rip off an inane message of 140 characters and hit the “send’’ button.

Or rip off (so to speak) an inane message of a thousand or so words, send it to your editor and call it a column. Besides, Shank's already tweeting!

The last part of this column is rich with irony / hypocrisy as it involves Jacoby Ellsbury:

Q and A with agent Scott Boras from the All-Star Game. On the public relations beating the Red Sox’ Jacoby Ellsbury took in Boston last season:

This S.O.B. led the charge against Ellsbury in print and on the radio, and now he has the nerve to present the situation in the passive tense, as though he had nothing to do with it? For a newspaper columnist, he's got balls...

Was Ellsbury hurt by the criticism?

Translation - did I get to him?

Did Boras ever think Ellsbury and the Sox would have to part company after the wasted year of 2010?
...
Any talks regarding a contract extension for Ellsbury:

Translation - did my trashing of your client get to you?

This guy really knows how to hold a grudge, doesn't he? Throw in the shot earlier in the column at the Krafts, and that point's a big 10 - 4.

A Winning Combination

With this week's CNN / SI column, Shank combines his two favorite things - baseball and himself.

Football and basketball are still locked out. The Women's World Cup, the British Open and Nathan's Hog Dog Eating Contest have all come and gone. The Roger Clemens trial was over before it started.

All we have is baseball. God bless the summer game.

Well, there is a bike race going on in France...

How many of you remember playing summer baseball? Who remembers when your next baseball game was the only thing that mattered?

Growing up in Central Massachusetts, I played all the traditional programs of pre-college baseball -- Little League, Pony League, Babe Ruth and high school. Little League and high school ball were highly structured and the season was always over by early June. Pony League and Babe Ruth were different. There was less structure, fewer rules; not as many coaches and parents getting in the way of our fun. We played when it was hot outside. Summer ball was always the most fun.

A nice piece of youthful nostalgia, or self-indulgent baby boomer claptrap? You make the call!

Another Bandwagon For Shank To Jump On

Not exactly a news flash, but still:

The tipping point for me came Thursday morning when my friend Ken Nigro called from Florida. We covered baseball together in Baltimore a million years ago. Ken is over 70, still reads seven newspapers per day (actual newspapers, my friends),

Finally - we found a Boston Globe subscriber!

He wanted to know if I was going to be in Tampa to watch the Red Sox this weekend. I told him, ‘No.’ Then he switched topics.

“Forget about baseball,’’ said Nigro. “This week I saw the greatest sporting event I’ve ever seen.’’

Loudon, NH?

“Brazil, right?,’’ I asked.

“Yeah,’’ he replied. “That women’s soccer game was the greatest game ever. I’ve never been a soccer fan, but I gotta admit, this is pretty good.’’

Shank then proceeds to bore the hell out of anyone reading the column. You've been warned!

Mistrial

Shank reacts to yesterday's mistrial of Roger Clemens.

You should be infuriated. I am. A lot of sports fans were opposed to this trial on the grounds that it was a waste of money. You know the argument - “who cares if Roger cheated and lied? That was a long time ago. He’s a baseball player. He’s not a threat to society.’’

Did anyone see a hint of this infuriation in Shank's previous article about Clemens? How about this recent one? Yeah, me neither.

I was in the other corner, defending the feds. I wanted to see Clemens stand trial and try to explain how he could stand on front of Congress with such defiance in the face of so much contrary evidence.

What a crock of shit - Shank couldn't have been more firmly planted on the middle of the fence in case something like this happened. Again - read his last two offerings, much like his stances on a number of issues, he deftly straddled the fence so he can have it both ways.

How's Clementine doing, Shank?

Back To Back

Shank's making up for lost time this week - with a column on Yo, Adrian Gonzalez (nope, that'll never get old) and, courtesy of an all expenses paid trip by the Boston Globe, an exciting press conference with the commissioner of baseball:

PHOENIX - Old School was on parade late yesterday morning in a conference room on the second floor of the downtown Sheraton here. Seventy-six-year-old Commissioner Bud Selig, on the job almost 20 years, was on hand to answer questions for the Baseball Writers of America and it felt like we were all stuck in the 1950s.

Only two decades away from paradise, Shank...

DHL Dan - IX

Shank subjects us to a picked up pieces column. The great thing about these columns is their infrequency.

Dick Williams, RIP

I first got the news when Shank appeared on Comcast Sports New England last night, and I knew he'd write a column about him. If you caught Shank last night, this column's a repeat, so you won't need to read it. If not, check it out, as it's a good a column as Shank's written for the globe in a while, Beatles & Wizard of Oz references aside.

Shank's Kind of Eulogy

Apparently back from vacation ^*, Shank's Thursday Globe column is on former Red Sox Don Buddin.

It’s hard for young people to fathom, but the Red Sox of the late ’50s and early ’60s were noncontenders, hardly relevant. In Buddin’s last two seasons with the Sox, they finished 32 and 33 games out of first place. They didn’t draw many fans (well under a million in ’59 and ’61). Buddin became the poster boy for bad times.

If John Lackey thinks he’s got it bad now, he should have talked with Don Buddin. Buddin was the early-day Julio Lugo. And the nasty stuff from the stands sounds louder when there are only 8,000 people in the ballpark. You hear everything.

“It was bad,’’ recalls Frank Malzone, who played third base next to Buddin for four long seasons. “He got off to a bad start and the fans gave him a hard time when he came to the ballpark. I played right next to him. Hearing all these guys hooting and hollering at him, I was thinking, ‘Better him than me.’ I would hate to walk out there and hear that every day.’’

* = Some 'vacation' - two appearances on 'The Baseball Insiders' and two CNN / SI columns, and that's not including any other TV appearances I didn't catch.

Now Batting For Number 21, Shank Shaughnessy

After a three week hiatus from his Boston Globe perch (a.k.a. 'addition by subtraction'), Shank goes to bat for Roger Clemens.

Roger Clemens goes on trial at a federal courthouse in Washington today. He could wind up in prison.

It’s a sad situation for the Rocket. Against the advice of just about everyone, stubborn Clemens insisted on going before Congress (in February 2008) to defend his name after he showed up 82 times in the Mitchell Report, which investigated the use of steroids in baseball.

Clemens’s appearance on Capitol Hill was preposterous. He told one whopper after another. In the face of considerable evidence, he told his delusional version of the truth, and now the feds are hitting him with a bunch of perjury raps.

This didn’t have to happen. No one demanded Clemens take the oath and submit his version of events. This was Roger being Roger. This was the same intransigent Clemens who never could admit a mistake. He never could take the blame. He couldn’t have an off day and tell us that he just didn’t have it. It was always, “I guess I hit his bat,’’ or “My hamstring was a little tight.’’

Amazing how one stuffed doll can change your perspective of an athlete, after savaging the Rocket for over a decade.

I Thought He Was Dead!

Shank gets his one mile run in with his weekly CNN / SI article. It's about what you'd expect from him concerning owner / player disputes:

Dueling lockouts. Call me when they're over.

My strategy with sports labor stories is pretty simple: ignore, ignore, ignore. Back in the days when I was a baseball beat reporter I spent far too much time speaking with Marvin Miller, Ray Grebey, Donald Fehr, Gene Orza, Ken Moffett, Mark Belanger and anyone else with a sabre to rattle.

I remember the long hot baseball strike of 1981, and the NFL playing games with replacement players in 1987. I remember baseball's charade of replacement teams in spring training in 1995. I remember management and players' reps trying to manipulate the message and all the bad reporting that's done when sportswriters wander into labor issues.

Fans hate sports labor stories and you know what? Same goes for those of us who write about sports. We didn't get into this business to spend time dealing with the National Labor Relations Board.

I hope his strike / lockout from the Boston Globe takes the same amount of time to resolve...

Kick 'Em When They're Down - It's Easier

A noted financial expert weighs in on today's bankruptcy filing by the Los Angeles Dodgers:

LOS ANGELES -- Note to Bud Selig: Next time somebody tries to buy one of your crown jewel franchises, make them show you the money.

I wish Selig had talked to me when Frank McCourt was trying to buy the Dodgers seven years ago.

Folks in Boston knew McCourt would be a disaster for Major League Baseball. He was a smooth-talking, nicely-dressed, well-mannered guy with parking lots and delusions of grandeur. He fancied himself as a serious bidder for the Red Sox in 2001 when the Yawkey Trust put the team up for sale, but nobody in Boston took McCourt seriously because he didn't have enough of his own money.

The "sale" of the Red Sox turned out to be a bag-job of the highest order. Cable czar Charles Dolan submitted the highest bid, while Boston businessman Joe O'Donnell was viewed as the local favorite to get the team.

Tire-kicker McCourt was never in the running. In December 2001, Selig announced that John Henry's bid was the winner. Selig was beholden to Henry (former owner of the Marlins) and put him together with Tom Werner (former owner of the Padres) and Larry Lucchino (former Orioles and Padres boss).

Peter Gammons casted some doubt on McCourt's bid for the Red Sox back in 2001; I've been unable to find anything similar from Shank. One thing I've always thought about Shank - he always seems to draw the long knives after the bad event occurs, rarely beforehand, hence the title of this post.

I was stunned when McCourt and his wife, Jamie, got the Dodgers in 2004 -- by a unanimous vote -- virtually without any of their own cash.

I read Shank and the Boston Globe for these unique insights...

But the lesson of the McCourt disaster is that cash rules.

Deep thoughts indeed. Buy low, sell high! I was betting on his next column being of the let's bash a college basketball coach with a huge new contract variety, but the week is still young.

Is Shank The New Whitey Bulger?

It's almost amazing how lazy this guy is. I haven't seen a Boston Globe Shank column for over a week; Bob Ryan has written three in that same time span.

Noticed this week - Shank hasn't been doing his Saturday radio show (98.5 FM) lately; Comcast Sports New England has started a Saturday morning program this week (9:00 - 12:00 noon) called The Baseball Show with Bob Neumeier, Lou Merloni, Sean McAdam and Shank. I'm listening to a bit of it right now, and it's OK as far as three hours of baseball talk goes, mainly because I haven't heard Shank say anything...

We Are The Champions

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column weaves a tale of how awesome Boston is because of all these championships over the past couple of years. Only problem? It reads a lot like this column.

Nice reuse of columns, Shank! Keep up the bad work...

On The Podium

Shank lets us know how coll the Bruins' Stanley Cup win ranks with other Boston championships, coming in at third place.

Leave it to Buzzkill Shank to take a leak on the Bruins in their moment of glory. Can't wait a few more days to write a silly column?

Compare And Contrast

Shank, Red Sox World Series victory, October 28, 2004:

ST. LOUIS -- They did it for the old folks in Presque Isle, Maine, and White River Junction, Vt. They did it for the baby boomers in North Conway, N.H., and Groton, Mass. They did it for the kids in Central Falls, R.I., and Putnam, Conn.

Shank, Boston Bruins Stanley Cup victory, June 16, 2011:

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — They won it for every New England mom and dad who ever woke up to drive kids to the rink at 6 a.m., and drank hot chocolate while they waited in the cold.

They won it for the Revere girls with the big hair and O’Reilly sweaters; for the shot-and-beer guys who pour every dollar of expendable income into the hockey budget.

They won it to avenge losing Bobby Orr to Chicago, too many men on the ice in Montreal, free agents never signed, trades that went bad, unspeakable injuries, and Game 7 disappointments.

They won it for you.

Another shared attribute of these columns - they both suck...

Hopefully The Last One For A While

Shank serves up a partial hockey column, examining many past Games 7 of local sports teams.

Sincerity Factor - 0%

Dear Claude Julien:

I'm really sorry for trashing you repeatedly over the past couple of months. You're the cat's ass!

We're good now, right?

Sincerely,

Shank Shaughnessy

On To Game 7

Shank's recap of Game 6 wasn't as irritating as his other Bruins columns is a decent recap of the Bruins' 5 - 2 win over Vancouver, forcing Game 7 Wednesday night. It's typical of Shank, in a span of one week, to say Vancouver deserves the Stanley Cup to describing the team as quitters and calling Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo a crybaby.

Never turn your back on Dan Shaughnessy...

On The Brink

... of not having to read any more Shank hockey columns! State the obvious, throw in a baseball reference, provide a game summary and repeat yourself a bunch of times, and it's another painful to read Shank hockey column.

He's Pushing It

I feel like Roberto Luongo, somehow letting this one get by me. In a rare feat, Shank blasted out two columns yesterday; in this one, he attempts to create a rivalry:

Who knew we could have a heated rivalry with the Vancouver Canucks?

I mean, really? Vancouver? Canucks?

I'm utterly unconvinced of this new rivalry by the end of the column.

Even

A seasoned hockey scribe writes another Bruins column, now firmly on the bandwagon.

Seen a black bear wandering in your neighborhood? Anything’s possible in this wacky New England spring of 2011 and this might be the Year of the Bruin.

It’s 90 degrees outside and the big boys are still playing hockey indoors, and last night the Bruins again routed the Vancouver Canucks, 4-0, to square their Stanley Cup Final joust at two games each. The series resumes tomorrow night on the other side of the continent. Game 6 will be Monday in the Causeway Street cauldron as the Bruins attempt to win their first Stanley Cup since Bobby Orr ruled in 1972.

The rest of the article goes on in the usual Shank manner - a lot of words, little to say.

Would it be a Shank column without one annoying Red Sox reference? Of course not!

It’s been like watching J.D. Drew play hockey with his twin brother.

I Heart Vancouver

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column shows a newfound love affair with Vancouver:

VANCOUVER, B.C. -- This beautiful city deserves a Stanley Cup and it certainly feels like the chalice will be delivered sometime soon.

I just spent five days in Vancouver last week and it's hard to carry a grudge against the city and it's great fans.

Go Canucks?

Scorched Column

Only a lazy and unimaginative columnist writes the following sentence when writing about hockey:

The Bruins had suffered a couple of walkoff losses in Vancouver.

So utterly lacking in creativity and original thought, Shank needs to inject baseball phrases into nearly every column he writes. The rest of the column is standard Shank effort, which is to say, little or none.

Down In A Hole

Not just the Boston Bruins, but this article as well. Besides the painfully obvious fact that Shank, by his own admission, does not follow hockey, this column is peppered with Shankisms.

* Trademark negativism;

* Obligatory comparison(s) to the Boston Red Sox;

* Boring game recap;

* "Sons of (insert coach / manager's name here)";

* Baby boomer nostalgia / hearkening back to a better time & place ("It’s an article of faith that the New Garden can never be as loud at the old barn that was destroyed in the name of luxury boxes and air conditioning in the mid-1990s.");

* Bitch about ticket prices (..."the latest (and priciest) Bruins game of all time."), which is rich, coming from a man who likely has never actually paid for a ticket since he's been a professional writer. A real man of the people, this Shank...

Shank On Sinden

Working hard to burnish his hockey street cred, Shank interviews Harry Sinden, former general manager of the Bruins. As with last week's column with Bobby Orr, the less Shank narrates the better the column becomes. More column like this, please!

Heartbreaker

Like the sun rising in the east and the proverbial bear crapping in the woods, a Bruins loss is enough for Shank to pounce and go negative after a single game.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — They are 4,029 kilometers from home, taking on an entire country, attempting to do something they have not done since the Nixon administration.

It is not going to be easy.

On a day when natural disasters plagued fans back in Greater Boston (what is it about the Bruins and power outages in the finals?), the Bruins dropped the first game of the Stanley Cup finals in excruciating fashion last night, losing to the favored Vancouver Canucks, 1-0, on a Raffi Torres goal with only 18.5 seconds left on the clock.

That’s right, people. The Bruins and Canucks skated to a scoreless tie for 59 minutes and 41 1/2 seconds before Vancouver won it when Torres slipped the puck past Tim Thomas after a terrific pass from Jannik Hansen on a two-on-one.

The Bruins played well, but this was a crushing defeat. Boston went 0 for 6 on power plays, including a four-minute stretch in the first period, and an 83-second five-on-three in the second. Boston has converted only 5 of 67 power plays in this amazing playoff run.

How do you know he's now off the bandwagon?

Your Bruins are in a little bit of a drought when it comes to this event.

Classic Shank negativity reverberates throughout the entire column. There's also a new angle I've detected in some Shank columns, especially this one - ever get the feeling Shank's lecturing you? If that's not a turnoff, I don't know what is.

Hauntingly Bad

Scouring the Globe's Boston.com sports pages, I stumble upon Shank's latest Bruins bandwagon 'effort' and, right off the bat, this sorry excuse for a columnist ruins it with a Bruce Springsteen song lyric:

“Time slips away and leaves you with nothing mister but boring stories of glory days.’’

He has the boring part down pat. Lazy only begins to describe this column. Shank insists that this club will be compared to the Big, Bad Bruins of the 1970's. I don't recall such fervored insistence when Shank jumped on previous bandwagons with respect to the Celtics and Red Sox. Well, maybe not the Red Sox...

A few paragraphs later, the truth is revealed:

Maybe it’s a Baby Boomer thing. Those of us born after World War II always think it’s about us. Our music was better. Our cars were faster. A sport was a sport. It was OK to hitchhike and eat cheeseburgers and nobody wondered whether Richard Nixon was born in the USA. Tom Menino is great, but he’s no Kevin White.

Self-centered & narcissistic - yup, that's our Danny Boy!

Shank On The NBA Finals

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column focuses on Dirk Nowitzki and LeBron James, who start the NBA Finals tonight. Well trodden ground is covered; one of these players needs a ring to vaunt themselves into discussions of the greatest players of all time. And Shank manages to do this without a reference to baseball players. Amazing!

Shank Talks To #4

Shank talks to Bobby Orr a day after the Bruins get into the Stanley Cup. It's a good article for two reasons - Bobby does most of the talking, and Shank does not.

Pond Hockey Warriors?

I'm not sure where Shank gets all of his cheap, stupid cliches, but they're all present in this lame, lame column.

This is the reward for those who have waited; all you pond hockey warriors, mayors of Hockeytown, and folks who lived through too many men on the ice and last spring’s epic fold against the Flyers.

...

Anyone want to invest in Nathan Horton’s Donuts?

...

There has to be a way for Mayor Tom Menino to take credit for this High Renaissance of Boston sports.

...

Hub Hockey Krishnas have schooled their young on a 39-year Cup drought, which is encroaching on territory formerly occupied by citizens of Red Sox Nation.

And what Shank hockey article is complete with a baseball reference?

It was perhaps the best dual shutout since Warren Spahn and Juan Marichal went 16 innings in 1963.

Dan Shaughnessy - redefining awful...

Back To Earth

Shank's seventh hockey themed column of 2011 was a lot less hyperbolic than yesterday's column. While realistic Bruins fans knew for months that their power play was, to put it mildly, lacking, Shank barely acknowledges this fact.

The last time most of us actually saw the Stanley Cup was in 2001, when Ray Bourque, who toiled 21 seasons for the Bruins, brought it here from Colorado to remind us what it looks like.

...

Believe it or not, some Bruins fans like it better this way. There were folks in Boston yesterday who were saying they’d rather see the Bruins drop Game 6 and come home for a Friday night Game 7 to advance to the Stanley Cup finals.

Back in 2004, there were arrogant New York fans content to see the Yankees lose Games 4 and 5 of the American League Championship Series at Fenway Park so they could come home and win it at Yankee Stadium. How’d that work out for them?

You know Shank's about to bail on a local pro sports team when he refers to them as...

No Teddy Bear Picnic this time. Your Bruins tomorrow will be lugging decades of pressure onto the ice.

The rest of the column is generally a game recap, the usual paint-by-numbers closing for the typical Shank column.

The Bandwagon Columnist

Sensing that the Boston Bruins are one win away from a Stanley Cup Finals appearance, Shank lays it on thick. My only surprise is that he hasn't broken the axles on the bandwagon, jumping up & down so hard.

He writes this sentence, seemingly without a hint of irony:

Local sport media big shots who have dissed the Bruins for a couple of decades are going to have to take a crash course in Hockey 101.

Finish the column with non-hockey references (Tampa's coach is "Belichickian", our coach is Grady Julien) and appearances by Ringo Starr and Archie Bunker, and you have the template for the Shank Bandwagon Column^TM.

Goin' Gonzo

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column takes a longer look at Adrian Gonzalez. Shank chats him up as a potential Triple Crown threat:

There were stormy days in Boston when the Red Sox were outbid in the Mark Teixeira sweepstakes three and a half years ago. Sox bosses John Henry and Larry Lucchino visited the free agent slugger's home during the offseason, then said they felt deceived and used by Teixeira and agent, Scott Boras. The Boston brass was ripped and ridiculed (by Shank, natch - Ed.) when Teixeira wound up with the Yankees. It got worse when the Yankees went on to win the 2008 World Series.

Here we are in the early part of the 2011 season and Boston fans are suddenly OK with the guy they have at first base. After playing in all of Boston's 46 games, Adrian Gonzalez is hitting .342 with nine homers and a MLB-best 41 RBIs. He poses a threat to win baseball's first Triple Crown since Carl Yastrzemski turned the trick in the magical summer of 1967. At Fenway, Gonzalez might be a better fit than Teixeira.

And just when you thought Yo Adrian had been mercifully retired...

Fans can't get enough of Yo Adrian's sweet left-handed stroke.

The rest of the column redeems the gratuitous Stallone quote.

Apocalypse Now

With the Chicago Cubs coming to town, Shank devotes today's column to all things Boston - Chicago. Of course there's a Grady Little cheap shot, but for some reason passes on shots to Nomar, Schilling & Claude Julien, but it's a pleasant change of pace, even for one column.

Be sure to check out Shank's Twitter page!

Kid Gloves

Another Bruins win, another Shank column pretending to be interested in hockey. Shank gets carried away talking about Tyler Seguin and compares coach Claude Julien to Grady Little. You can't have a next to useless Shank column without a tangential Red Sox reference or two, can you?

Father Time

It figures that Shank finds a way to criticize older professional athletes in a respectful manner in his weekly CNN / SI column.

NEW YORK -- I was in Miami last week when the Miami Heat dusted off the old Boston Celtics. The Celts had been hoping that 39-year-old Shaquille O'Neal would rescue their thirtysomething stars, but Shaq never got on track. After contributing early in the season, O'Neal succumbed to leg injuries. After Feb. 1, he played in only three games -- never more than six minutes.

When it was over, Cedric Maxwell, once an NBA Finals MVP, looked at the final stat sheet and said, "Father Time wins again."

I thought of the Old Man and the C's when I got to New York for the weekend series featuring the Red Sox and the Yankees. The Sox swept the Yankees, but the big story in the Bronx was the Posada Adventure.

There's nothing wrong with mentioning this fact. What is wrong is the apparent glee with which Shank writes a few dozen Celtics columns over the past few years mentioning their collective age ad nauseum, like something to bludgeon them with. The other difference(s) - this column exudes a certain amount of respect for Posada. I fail to see this same level of respect with any consistency applied to any local athletes (exclude Adrian Gonzalez - I think you need at least 6 months on Shank's radar screen to be graded), and you'd think he might find room for praise elsewhere. I just find it interesting that Shank finds the time to hype a New York Yankee and next to no one else. Not saying I'm surprised, mind you...

Settle Down, Beavis

We already knew from yesterday's column that Shank's back on the Red Sox bandwagon. Further confirmation is provided in today's column. How do you know for sure?

NEW YORK — Finally .500.

We are one-quarter of the way through the season and The Best Team Ever has won as many games as it has lost.

The column's tone is awfully giddy for a team simply breaking even.

Let's not have one piece of disingenuous writing go unchallenged:

A Hub tabloid declared them “Best Team Ever.’’

Shank did everything except use that exact phrase when declaring the Red Sox 'for real', etc. Nice try, though!

Bandwagon Dan, Back On Board

All Aboard!

NEW YORK — You’ve got to like the way this is going. We’re seeing a team on the way up against a team on a southbound train.

The Red Sox thrashed the Yankees in the Bronx last night, 6-0. That means the Sox are 4-1 against the Bombers this year. And tonight we’re looking at Jon Lester on the mound for Boston while Freddy Garcia toes the slab for the unraveling Yanks.

Did I mention that the Yankees are in disarray? New York has lost four straight. The Yanks can’t hit with runners in scoring position. And with Jorge Posada refusing to play last night, they are on the brink of mutiny. It’s almost like the good old days when George and Billy and Reggie went toe-to-toe-to-toe. But those guys were champions. The 2011 Yankees are playing like chumps. Happy Day.

Meanwhile, your Red Sox are coming up on the quarter-mark of an underwhelming season and look like they might finally be getting straight. Tonight they have a chance to climb to .500 for the first time. Josh Beckett smothered the Yanks last night with six shutout innings (nine strikeouts) and Adrian Gonzalez hit his eighth homer since May 3, a three-run shot off CC Sabathia that sealed the game in the seventh.

Shank works in yet another dig at Nomar:

In some ways it was reminiscent of that fateful night in 2004 when Nomar Garciaparra said he couldn’t play for the Red Sox. It turned into a dramatic, extra-inning affair, highlighted by Derek Jeter diving into the stands while Nomar sat and pouted on the Sox bench. Nomie raised his hand for duty in overtime, but Terry Francona wasn’t having it. That was the night the Sox knew they had to trade Garciaparra.

Stay classy (and bitter)!

Sketchy Details

Shank gives a straightforward recap of last night's Sox / Yankees game. The Big Galoot makes an appearance in the column, as do Big Baby (Colon, not Glen Davis) and Yo Adrian. Shank also gets a date wrong (Colon won the Cy Young in 2005, not 1995).

Other than that, it's a decent column...

And Now It's Over

I'll sum up Shank's column in one sentence - The Celtics are out of the playoffs because they're an old team. Which isn't a news flash - Shank mentions it nearly every single time he's written about the Celtics over the last three years.

P.S. - Missed this column on Rajon Rondo, and this freakin' piece of work from Tuesday. Let me sum that latter column for you:

Blah blah blah - The Celtics are old - blah blah blah.

This is perfect column fodder for Shank; old team, bleak future - great Shank columns!

What A Difference A Game Makes

Not to put too fine a point on it, but Dan Shaughnessy a) absolutely sucks at making predictions and b) shows little, if any, consistency in what passes for analysis when attempting to make these predictions. You'd think someone who has followed professional basketball for thirty years would learn from that vast reservoir of experience. You'd be oh, so wrong...

As a result, we get two massively contradictory columns. Five days ago the Miami Heat is winning the series with the Boston Celtics, 2 - 0, and what does Shank proclaim? Get the shovels out - Celtics are done.

Returning to the Garden, the Boston Celtics win Game 3 two days ago, and what's the opinion now? Probably the greatest freakin' series EVAH!

Fans of this site may be aware that I rarely use this forum in attempt to lecture Shank directly, as such criticism is routinely dismissed by dead tree types as 'fanboy, basement dwelling bloggers' and other such ad hominem substitutes for refutation of the criticisms presented. But how is a rational Globe columnist logically able to defend this pirouette? I strongly emphasize the word 'logically'.

Naturally, in true Shank fashion, he leaves himself an out:

Old NBA Axiom No. 101 holds that a playoff series doesn't start until the road team wins a game.

I'll check you guys in an hour with the update (time stamp at posting - 8:39 PM).

Update at 10:04 PM - Heat win, Shank still sucks, in my book...

Missed Business

My general routine is to check this page every morning so I don't miss any nuggets of wisdom from the Boston Globe's ace sports columnist. This morning I was expecting a 180 column from Wednesday's column declaring the Celtics as dead meat.

For whatever reason, this column showed up this morning, and after reading it, none of us missed anything. Shank harps on and on and on about last year's collapse at the hands of these same Flyers, but at least he's consistent in his negativity.

White Heat

The Boston Celtics are down, two games to none, to the Miami Heat in the NBA's Eastern Conference semifinals. It's a great time for Shank to bury the Celtics.

MIAMI — I hate to say it, but this looks very much like the passing of the torch in NBA East.

How do you really know Shank has given up on a local sports team?

Your Boston Celtics have been as signed the job of upholding truth, justice, and the American way of team success.

At least we have the comfort of Shank's shaky track record on predictions, so we got that going for us...

Time For Some More Boston Globe Bashing

The Boston Globe has successfully rearranged the deck chairs on the Titanic:

The Boston Globe is the 25th-largest Monday-through-Friday paper and the 20th-largest Sunday paper, according to the latest figures released by the Audit Bureau of Circulations. Both the Globe and the Boston Herald continue to slide. And the Wall Street Journal enjoys the largest Monday-through-Friday circulation nationally, while the New York Times is tops on Sunday.

Locally, the most interesting news is that the Globe’s circulation has stabilized following a huge plunge between 2009 and 2010, which followed significant price increases. Those increases have reportedly improved the paper’s bottom line, but have left the Globe with a much smaller subscriber base.

The Globe’s paid Sunday circulation for the six-month period ending on March 31, 2011, was 356,652, down 22,297, or 5.9 percent, over the six-month period ending on March 31, 2010. The Monday-through-Friday picture was similar: 219,214 in the most recent reporting period, down 13,218, or 5.7 percent.

By contrast, the Globe’s circulation figures for the six months ending on March 31, 2009, were 466,661 on Sunday and 302,638 Monday through Friday, meaning that Sunday circulation last year was down 18.8 percent over the previous year, and Monday-through-Friday circulation was down 23.2 percent.

Talent In South Beach

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column focuses on Dwayne Wade's awesome game against the Celtics yesterday. It's another solid column that, once again, stands out in contrast to many half-assed Globe columns.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

Ten days after predicting doom and gloom for the Bruins, Shank pretends to care about the Game 7 win over the Canadiens.

Of course he doesn't give a shit - he spends half the column telling us what massive choke artists they are / were :

Round 2 starts this weekend on Broad Street in Philadelphia against the Flyers. For sure, there are plenty of Philadelphia stories to be told, but let the Bruins and their fans enjoy last night for a few more hours. Had the Bruins lost to the Canadiens, it could have been a franchise-altering defeat, with dire consequences for coach Claude Julien and general manager Peter Chiarelli.

But this time the Bruins did not choke it away. Sure, they blew a 3-2 lead in the final two minutes of regulation, and they failed to convert on a single power play for another night (0 for 21 for the series), but who cares when you win it in OT? These Bruins become the first team in franchise history (in 28 tries) to win a series after falling behind, two games to zero.

Game 7s have not been the Bruins’ friends in recent years. The Pesky-Dent-Buckner-Boone torch has been passed to Zdeno Chara, Patrice Bergeron, and Andrew Ference. Julien has been in the Hub of Hockey for four years. His first three seasons ended in Game 7 defeats, the last two at home. Finally, he gets some relief and vindication.

From a Game 7 win emerges a comparison with Bill Buckner. I imagine Shank could wait until they actually choke again to make the comparison, right?

But we don’t care about any of those things today.

Nah, we'll just write a whole freakin' article about 'those things' instead!

Bring It On

Shank's CNN / SI column sets up the next round of the NBA playoffs, as the Celtics wait for the Heat to finish their series with the Sixers. Semi-lame Buffalo Springfield lyric quotes aside, Shank writes a compelling column on what to expect for this series.

Since his last two Globe columns were much further south of 'compelling', this column stands out as anomalous. I'm pretty sure I've raised the "Shank has pictures of someone in the Globe in a rather bad situation" as the standard explanation here (that, or the Chief), but nothing explains the long standing nature of this divergence. I thought that his CNN / SI and Globe columns would converge into some vortex of suck, but that hasn't happened yet, and probably won't. I have to think through some theories (i.e., that he cares about CNN / SI and not the Globe), but your theories are welcome.

Winging It

The Boston Red Sox complete a four game sweep of the Angels and are one game below .500. Shank sums up the series, offers nothing (except a few sentences by Papelbon) in the way of analyzing how the Sox turned it around, but does offer up some old Shankisms (big galoot, Sons of Tito, Your Red Sox) and new ones (mention of Ed Cicotte, and what the hell is a Dust Devil? Isn't it a vacuum cleaner?).

Just like the Red Sox, Shank is slowly reverting back to form.

DHL Dan VIII, Returning To Form

Unable or unwilling to write something positive about Daisuke Matsuzaka and the Red Sox 5-0 win over the Angels Saturday night, Shank inflicts another picked up pieces column on us. In true Shaughnessy fashion, the vast majority of the column is negative in tone.

'Not to be negative, but...'? Check.

Red Sox 1918 World Series tainted? Check.

Take shots at Yo! Adrian Gonzalez, Saltalamacchia and Crawford? Check.

Continue to talk about the marginalization of Larry Lucchino & Tom Werner? Check.

Showstopper / Stop Right There

Shank's Saturday column focuses on Dustin Pedroia and his five-hit game on Thursday night, helping the Red Sox win 4-2 in 11 innings. Keeping with the recent trend, another readable Shank column continues until the halfway point:

In many ways, he (Pedroia) is the anti-Nomar.

Nomar Garciaparra could hit .372 and inspire the worship of Hub fans, but he never got comfortable around Fenway. Pedroia understands and embraces the Boston Baseball Experience.

How many years ago did Nomar depart from the Red Sox, nearly seven? Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on invoking former players names just so someone like Shank can take one more piss on them? Not when you're this petty and vindictive.

Stirring The Pot, Again

Major League Baseball takes over the Los Angeles Dodgers franchise citing financial concerns, and that has Shank wondering about future ownership:

Within seconds of the announcement that the Dodgers were becoming a ward of the state, speculation swirled that Red Sox bosses Larry Lucchino and Tom Werner might be headed out of town to rescue or buy the National League’s signature franchise.

It's difficult to find any evidence of other writers swirling this speculation, so I'll point the finger at Shank being the source of these rumors.

Lucchino sounded annoyed when I asked him about the possibility.

“This is a highly charged, controversial issue of some real importance to baseball, and I’m not going to complicate it any further by saying anything or making any comment about the Dodgers situation,’’ he said from his Boston office last night.

OK. That’s a non-answer, I told him. It’s sort of like when you ask a guy if he’s running for president and he won’t say yes or no.

I gently asked Lucchino if he realized his vague response might be interpreted as leaving the door open.

“No, I don’t realize I’m doing that,’’ he said. “I realize I’m not making any public comment on the Dodger situation.

“I’m very happy right where I am. I love Boston and that’s really all I’ll say about the Dodgers. I love my position and I’m proud of my position with the Red Sox.’’

Werner is also at the top of the rumor list. He’s a former owner of the Padres, he’s tight with Uncle Bud, he’s a big-time Hollywood guy, and he has been decidedly marginalized in the John Henry regime.

Reached at his California office yesterday, the Sox chairman said, “Anything you can do to quash that [rumor] would be appreciated. I’m very happy as the co-managing partner of the Boston Red Sox.

“I look forward to summers in Boston, I pay property taxes in Boston, my daughter’s in Boston. I’m a member of Old Sandwich [Golf Club]. I’m very happy to be moving to Boston for the summer.

Doesn't sound to me like Lucchino or Werner have heard these questions about a hundred times already, and Shank's well documented use of the passive voice ("speculation swirled") to deflect any blame from him as the source of a rumor lead me to conclude that Shank's the source of this rumor. Don't want to piss off one of the guys that helped Shank's daughter get an internship a few years ago, right?

I Come To Bury Them

... not to praise them:

OAKLAND, Calif. — A lot of stuff has happened to the Red Sox here over the years.

Nearly all of them negative, naturally...

This is where Tom Yawkey sipped champagne when the 1975 Sox clinched the American League pennant, completing a three-game sweep of the three-time world champion A’s.

It’s where Joe Rudi and Rollie Fingers briefly wore Red Sox uniforms when Charlie Finley held a fire sale in 1976.

It’s where Jim Rice ripped the shirt off the back of future Pulitzer Prize winner Steve Fainaru in the visitors clubhouse.

It’s where Roger Clemens set himself on fire, wearing eye- black and Ninja Turtle shoelaces while getting ejected from a playoff game.

It’s where Johnny Damon collided with Damian Jackson when the soon-to-be-doomed Sox won the first round of the playoffs in 2003.

It seems but a mere ten days ago that Shank was dumping on the Sox, in part, for not changing the lineup, and now it's a source of contention.

Who’s at shortstop today? Who’s behind the plate? Where’s Waldo Crawford (Waldo Crawford? - Ed.) hitting? Who is leadoff man du jour? It’s a New England parlor game, from Eastport to Block Island.

Yesterday, Marco “Wally Pipp’’ Scutaro was back at short and banged out a couple of hits. Jed Lowrie played third base and hit his third homer in five games. No. 7 hitter Crawford actually knocked in a run. Leadoff man of the hour J.D. Drew homered. Jason Varitek caught Clay Buchholz while Jarrod Saltalamacchia sat.

Using the whole roster is great. It makes sense for Terry Francona to exploit righty-lefty matchups and keep his subs fresh. But some of the fluidity owes to underperformance more than flexibility.

Another lame Wally Pipp reference and Shank's done until the next Bruins loss...

Wally Pipp?

Shank's Wednesday Globe column takes up the debate between Red Sox shortstops Jed Lowrie & Marco Scutaro, allowing Shank to make the annual Wally Pipp reference.

Three decent, readable columns in a row by Shank, Jed Lowrie tearing it up - which streak ends first?

Jumping the Gun

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column portends doom and gloom for the Boston Bruins, just before the Bruins win Game 3. It's a fairly convincing column, as Shank has a stunning command of all things negative. But you knew that already...

Memorable

That's how Shank describes last night's game as the Celtics win, 87 - 85 over the Knicks. A decent, readable column.

Woe Is Us

With the first loss by the Boston Bruins last night, Shank says the sky is falling on the local sports scene.

Our nerves are frayed. Our patience is running out. Hated rivals are beating up on Boston.

Lakers, Jets, Yankees, now the Montreal Canadiens. How much more can we stand?

Seeds of discontent were planted on Causeway Street last May when the Bruins came home for Game 7 of their second-round series against the Flyers and lost, 4-3, after leading 3-0. You might remember that as the same series the Bruins led, three games to zero.

Since that fateful night, we have seen the Lakers beat the Celtics in Game 7 of the NBA Finals (a game the Celtics led by 13 points). We have seen the Rex Ryan Jets humble the 14-2 Patriots in a playoff game at Gillette Stadium. We have seen the Red Sox miss the playoffs for the second time in eight years, appear to vault over the Yankees during an expensive winter, only to fall five games behind the Bronx Bombers in a thus-far miserable season.

Feel The Hate

Shank rewrites this column from Feb. 28th, updates a few areas, and presto! A new column! Well, sort of...

Shank doesn't get much lazier than this, does he?

Shank's Manny Ramirez column

Manny Ramirez retires from baseball rather than get hit with a one hundred game suspension for testing positive for an unspecified drug. A couple of commenters asked, 'Where's the Shank column ripping Manny?' Wonder no more.

Manny cared about serving Manny, making money and nothing else

Manny Ramirez is a cheater. He's a disgrace. He's not going to the Hall of Fame. And you know what else? Manny doesn't care.

So why should fans care?

Manny's not an evil person. He was a guy who'd come to the park early, whistle while he worked then go off into the night after the games. He stayed to himself and most of the time you hardly knew he was around. He usually had a hug for everyone but never had a lot of friends in the clubhouse.

Shank's just getting warmed up; read the whole thing. One of Shank's better columns in recent memory.

A few interesting side notes:

He was a latter-day, juiced-up Jimmie Foxx.

Shank, August 26, 2006:

As previously stated, he is a modern-day Jimmie Foxx, a certain Hall of Famer, and he works hard at his craft.

Just thought it interesting that Shank has some level of consistency in comparing Manny to Foxx.

He was Most Valuable Player of the 2004 World Series when the Red Sox put a 86-year-old Curse to rest.

A Curse, exploited by Shank for fun and profit! You'll find the book reviews especially amusing.

But really, what's a Shank column on Manny without a few cheap shots?

...

Manny was a savant slugger. His simple mind made it easier to hit.

...

Ever-clueless, he could be funny and charming.

The Total Package

Josh Beckett pitched one hell of a game against the Yankees yesterday, and Shank is there to recap the game. Can't wait for Shank to take a dump on Daisuke Matsuzaka after getting shelled by the Rays earlier tonight.

Shiny Happy Shank

He does seem happier and a better writer of columns when others are miserable...

Why does today's column seem like Shank's washing his hands a little bit?

Now what?

Can the Red Sox summon savior Yaz to throw out another first pitch? Drop Carl Crawford to ninth in the order? Or perhaps this would be a good time to sign Manny Ramirez to a one-day contract so he can tell us how much he loved it here and retire as a Red Sox.

Anything to take our eyes off this train-wreck start for the “Best Team Ever’’ — the one that was going to win 100 games and return to the World Series.

You were one of the people hyping this team, Shank.

And when a team is doing bad, whose team does Shank say it is?

..your Red Sox were the worst team in baseball.

And we are all deeply concerned about what's happening:

We are saddled with a sudden fear that everyone around here badly overrated the capability of the Boston mound corps.

Does 'we' and 'everyone' include Shank? Was that a rhetorical question?

Throw in a nonsensical mention of Kendrick Perkins and laying some blame on the hitters (as opposed to any sort of mea culpa), and it's a fishwrap.

Low Point

I was expecting a lot more venom and negativity from Shank than this:

The 0-6 Red Sox stagger home today for the 100th Fenway opener. This means no more safe havens in Texas and Cleveland. After a week on the road, the Sox must wallow in regional hysteria triggered by their worst start since 1945 (when all the real players were at war).

Can it get any worse?

Of course it can. The 1988 Baltimore Orioles started 0-21. President Ronald Reagan called manager Frank Robinson after 0-18 and said, “I know what you’re going through.’’

“Mr. President, you have no idea what I’m going through,’’ snapped Robinson.

The column goes on, repeating many of the themes Shank talked about on Comcast Sports News last night with Michael Felger & Lou Merloni, including this always amusing gem:

Not to be negative, but the Elias Sports Bureau reports that only two teams have made the playoffs after starting 0-6 — the 1974 Pirates and the 1995 Reds. This is only the fourth Red Sox team to start 0-6, and if the Sox lose today, it’s officially the second-worst start in franchise history.

So you're saying... there's a chance?

If that falls through, we can take Shank's time tested advice:

It’s certainly a good time for the Sox to be petitioning the city to serve mixed drinks at Fenway. We all might need a little Jack to get through this season of great expectations.

My advice - start drinking heavily!

I Don't Know About You

... but I'm kind of looking forward to Shank's next column, aren't you?

Remembering Lou Gorman

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column remembers former Red Sox general manager Lou Gorman. It's a good column, but one part stands out:

Things went downhill from there. In the early '90s, Gorman hired Butch Hobson to manage the Sox. It was a disaster. The Sox slumped and Gorman was harpooned by the Boston media.

I wonder how many those harpoons have Shank's name on them? Do you think Shank's trying to rewrite history when he writes things like that?

I'll Take Door Number Three, Monty

Funny how one week can change someone's opinion.

ARLINGTON, Texas — So far, this looks a little like the Charlie Sheen Torpedo of Truth tour. Is it possible to be mathematically eliminated before you play your home opener?

What Column Does Shank Write Tomorrow?

The Texas Rangers complete the sweep of the Boston Red Sox.

What theme / themes does Shank write about in his Globe or CNN / SI column tomorrow? These aren't necessarily mutually exclusive choices:

1) Don't worry, be happy!

2) Man crush intact - Yo! Adrian Gonzalez still has a buttery smooth swing;

3) Panic in Detroit Boston?

4) Remain calm! All is well!

5) Our pitching sucks! Trade them all!

6) We're doomed! Wait until next year!

Silver Lining, Dark Cloud

Shank still has a mean man crush on Yo! Adrian Gonzalez:

ARLINGTON, Texas — There was only one Ted Williams. Nobody else gets to be Ted.

So let’s not get all “Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu’’ and try to make Adrian Gonzalez out to be the next Ted Williams. Gonzalez still hasn’t played a game in his Red Sox home white uniform, and he’s not going to hit .400, and he’s not going to fly 39 combat missions over Korea.

But two games into his Boston baseball career, Gonzalez looks like one terrific hitter (three more hits in last night’s dreadful, 12-5 loss) and he’s got some things in common with the greatest hitter who ever lived.

Overall, it's another decent column by Shank, and we see a sign of a future column if the Sox lose a few more games:

The sky is falling on the Red Sox at this hour. But try to remember it’s only two games. The season is not yet over and Gonzalez is the bright light in an otherwise awful two days in Texas. All you nattering nabos of negativity need to calm down and remember the good stuff. Watch Gonzalez and you’ll feel better.

What's a Shank column without a forty + year old Spiro Agnew reference, even if the misspelled 'nabos' got past the editors?

Dan Overboard!

The Red Sox lose one game, and what happens?

ARLINGTON, Texas — I guess this means 162-0 is out.

...

Still, we are faced with a new reality. The 2011 Red Sox are not going to go undefeated. They aren’t going to be the 1972 Dolphins. They still have a chance to be the 1927 Yankees or the 1912 Red Sox, but they’re going to have to do better than they did in the franchise’s 111th opening game.

I think he overstates the meaning of this one game, but it's otherwise a passable column.

Shank On The 2011 Red Sox

Friday's Globe column predicts good things for this year's team.

ARLINGTON, Texas — They are on more magazine covers than Gisele Bundchen. Sports Illustrated picks them to win 100 games and beat the Giants in the World Series just like 99 years ago at Fenway Park. On these pages last Sunday, six of six Globe writers picked the Red Sox to finish first in the American League East and make it to the 2011 World Series (you’d think we owned the team or something). In Wednesday’s New York Post, seven of seven baseball experts picked the Sox over the Yankees.

There has never been anything like it.

In an otherwise good column, we see something that'll get old fast:

Yo Adrian Gonzalez is on the cover of the Improper Bostonian.

Shank Goes Provincial

Not exactly a stretch for Shank, but he latches onto UConn's Jim Calhoun as the Huskies make another Final Four appearance. I can picture Shank doing Kevin Garnett-like chest thumps when he's laying this out on the keyboard:

But Jim Calhoun belongs to Boston. And we take some pride when one of our guys keeps showing up in the Final Four.

Calhoun was born and raised in Braintree, Mass., just a few miles south of Boston. He was a three sport star at Braintree High, home of the Wamps. He earned a degree in sociology at American International College in Springfield. That's fitting because basketball was invented in Springfield and Springfield is home of the Basketball Hall of Fame, where Calhoun was enshrined in 2005.

Calhoun's first coaching job was at AIC. In 1971-72 he was back in the Bay State League, coaching against the Braintree Wamps for Dedham High. Then it was on to Northeastern University on Huntington Avenue in Boston.

Perhaps a bit over the top, but Shank does indeed like Calhoun, which ran counter to my initial reaction to this column, that Shank was just shamelessly jumping on yet another bandwagon...

The Injury List

That's the excuse I'm using for not mentioning Shank's Saturday column, in which he leaves himself exposed again for being a massive hypocrite:

I learned everything I need to know about baseball injuries from the great Earl Weaver.

It happened when Baltimore center fielder Al Bumbry broke his leg running the bases in Texas in the middle of the 1978 season. The O’s were perennial contenders in those days and it was a pretty big deal when their leadoff batter was subtracted in July.

Earl had no time for reporters after we learned the extent of Bumbry’s injury.

“I’m not talking about Bumbry anymore,’’ said the Hall of Fame skipper. “He’s not part of our team now. I deal with the living.’’

That’s pretty much how I feel about baseball injuries.

...

I hate writing about baseball injuries.

I deal with the living.

Please. Is that why Shank wrote a boatload of columns questioning or otherwise rehashing Ellsbury's injuries last year? Does anyone seriously think Shank will refrain from Ellsbury trashing columns if he gets injured again this year?

It's All About You, Bill

I can hardly keep up!

Shank's been on a tear the past couple of days, mounting the high horse again to opine on the Barry Bonds trial. Shank, to no one's surprise, gives Clemens a mention, going rather easy on him, and also takes a shot at... Bill Belichick?

This reminds me a little of the criminal who asked for an extra three years on his sentence so that he could honor Larry Bird with 33 years in the slammer. Not even pathetic “In Bill We Trust’’ zealots would go to jail for the Hoodie.

Can't even wait until the NFL draft to mention Bill Belichick? I think he's... obsessed.

What's less shocking than a shot at Belichick? - Shank's on the Bruin's Bandwagon!

Mon Dieu! Somebody call 911.

This was a statement game. With a playoff atmosphere. And the Bruins won, 7-0. Folks must be in quite a lather back home in Montreal.

The puck planets are aligned. The Bruins are probably going to play the Canadiens in the first round of the playoffs, and they have to be feeling great about themselves after what we witnessed last night.

We'll see how long Shiny Happy Danny stays on...

Things Are Picking Up

Shank wrote a picked up pieces column yesterday. After deriding the NCAA basketball tournament as fraudulent, we get this:

Picked-up pieces while vacuuming the carpet after a weekend of eating popcorn and watching more than 50 college basketball games in the basement mancave . . .

It doesn't get any better from there...

Reversal Of Fortune

Shankologists may remember the special venom directed at Nomar Garciaparra and Curt Schilling (too many to mention) by the Shankster over the years. Since both of them became ESPN analysts last year, there hasn't been much written by Shank on either, excluding that Globe column on Garciaparra.

Maybe Shank has turned the corner on the professional athlete thing?

Dwight Freeney interviewed me last month. He asked me about Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady, Bob Sanders, and who I liked in Major League Baseball this year.

I am not making this up.

More and more, athletes are getting into the media business. Most guys do it when their playing days are over. In 2011 some of them go to the dark side while they are still playing. No doubt they are getting ready for a work stoppage or the next career after retirement from the playing field.

...

I never thought stuff like this was going to happen when I got into the sportswriting game. There was a clear separation. We were newspaper guys and they were players. There was little crossover. We didn't have a lot of opportunities to appear on television or radio. And players didn't entertain the idea of joining the media.

"This ain't what I signed up for, damn it!"

There's also a mention of a local angle:

Celtics legend Cedric Maxwell is a commentator on the C's flagship radio station. Maxwell did not speak to the media for one entire season when I covered the Celtics, but now he occasionally asks me a question.

Lest we wonder why, one reason Cedric Maxwlll might have told Shank to piss off:

“You could not print all the things we said,’’ said Cedric Maxwell, Ainge’s teammate from the 1980s and a Hall of Fame trash talker. “You could not write it all down. The families. The moms. Didn’t make any difference. We didn’t have to be politically correct. We could be asinine.

“I remember one guy, before the start of a playoff series, saying, ‘No way that bitch is getting 40 points off of me.’ Somebody wrote that down and it actually got in the paper.’’

I know. Because Max said it about Bernard King, and I (Shank - ed.) wrote it down, and it appeared in the Sunday Globe on the day of the first game of the 1984 Eastern Conference semifinals between the Celtics and Knicks. King refused to shake Max’s hand before the game. King didn’t get his 40 until Game 3, but the Celtics won the series.

You Know It's A Good Morning...

...when you turn on the radio and listen to Dennis & Callahan goof on Shank's Sunday column!

Any guesses on Shank's CNN / SI column subject today? Does he have the brass to give them yesterday's piece of work?

Recycling - Good; NCAA Tournament - Bad

Shank mounts the Shetland pony and tell you what he thinks of the Big Dance:

Sorry to disrupt the dance, but I’m here to tell you that the NCAA Tournament is one of the more fraudulent, overblown media creations of our time.

Shank started his radio show yesterday with a similar statement, where he used the word 'fraud' instead. I might add that the entire 11:00 - 12:00 hour on 98.5 FM yesterday morning is summed up in this article.

I wonder - is it 'fraudulent' to say things on the radio for an hour, summarize them and submit it to the editors the next day for a Boston Globe column, and not disclose it anywhere?

Grumpy Old Men

Shank seems to have found a kindred spirit in Carl Yastrzemski:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — He is the lion in winter, wheeling into the shabby minor league complex at the dead end of Edison Road every morning before 8. Fifty years after his rookie season, the greatest living Red Sox player doesn’t want to be around the millionaire big leaguers and he doesn’t want to be around baby boomer fans he thrilled all those years ago. He just wants to work with anonymous young hitters, walk around the warning track by himself for an hour, then retreat to an afternoon of fishing or golf.

Carl Yastrzemski is our New England sports Salinger. Ava Gardner. Sandy Koufax. He just wants to be left alone. He knows you love him and you appreciate those glory days, but truthfully, it probably means more to you than it means to him.

“I’m not much of a conversationalist,’’ says the 71-year-old legend. “I don’t like to reminisce about when I played. I had my day in the sun and it’s over with.’’

Interesting column by Shank; a lot longer then the usual dreck, on one of the local legends. Very interesting...

Sore Eyes

Shank has a decent column on Monday's watered-down Sox / Yankees game.

Shank's Yaz column from today will get checked out tonight.

68 Teams, No Harvard?

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column concerns Shank's outrage at Harvard being left out of the Big Dance.

It might amuse you to know that there were folks in Cambridge and greater Boston who actually watched CBS' Selection Show thinking that Harvard had a chance to receive an at-large big to the NCAA tournament.

They had a chance, it just wasn't a huge chance, but Shank writes a solid, spirited column with good points in their defense (Harvard's RPI, their defeats of BC & Colorado). For the most part, I agree with Shank, but the fact that two Ivy League teams have never made the tournament in the same year indicates it's tough to fight history.

Bonus shot in on John Calipari:

There's always going to be room for John Calipari, who has already had two Final Four appearances vacated, but there's no room for Harvard.

Good column, start to finish.

Settle Down, Beavis

Shank's third column in as many days focuses on Adrian Gonzalez and his first game in a Red Sox uniform. His over-the-top effusiveness and gushing praise for the man bring to mind one question - did Shank give this guy a blowjob after the game?

I am dead serious. Check these sentences out:

Some moments stand out in a lifetime, like red M&Ms sprinkled into a big bowl of vanilla.

There was the night the Beatles first played on “The Ed Sullivan Show.’’

There was the first moon landing on July 20, 1969.

And then there was Adrian Gonzalez’s first game in a Red Sox uniform yesterday at City of Palms Park in southwest Florida.

Who’ll ever forget it?

...

It was a fluid, loose swing. Pure butter.

...


Yo Adrian has the soft hands of Yo Yo Ma, hands of a confident hitter. The first swing, the first hit, was textbook stuff.

I'm sure Adrian Gonzalez is a good player, but really, give us a freakin' break, Shank...

Better Late Than Never

Just as I was wondering "Does Shank feel guilty cashing Boston Globe paychecks without writing a column in nearly three weeks?", he bangs out a pair of columns. The first one focuses on Ryan Westmoreland, the Red Sox prospect who had brain surgery last year. The second column specualtes on Tim Wakefield's role with the Red Sox this year. Both columns are decent efforts by Shank, although you might expect more after such a protracted absence. Must have been working on his tan...

Shank, Ainge On The Perkins Trade

Slaving over his keyboard, busting out his third column in two weeks, Shank talks trade with Danny Ainge, the Celtics general manager. It's a good column, as most of his CNN / SI columns are.

Near the end of the column appear an utterly laughable pair of sentences:

And that was that. The end of our debate. I walked away thinking about how I'd never have a conversation like that with Bill Belichick. It's easy to love the results Belichick produces, but it's too bad he's not more willing to discuss his moves.

Never will you see a more self-serving, disingenuous paragraph from Dan Shaughnessy in your life. Why, it's enough to make you wonder how on earth a nice guy like Dan Shaughnessy can't get a cozy, fireside chat with the coach of the New England Patriots. It's a damn shame, I tell you!

Item two is from mike's comment in the previous thread:

He has been spending all his time on the radio. I'm sure the mindset is, no one listens, therefore no one can criticize him or remind him he was wrong.

There's a reason for that. I tuned into his Saturday 11:00 AM - 2:00 PM gig on 98.5 FM with Adam Jones around 11:30 or so. There are two surefire ways to turn off radio listeners - be boring or yell & scream over everybody like Glenn Ordway does for four hours. I listened to Shank for about 3 minutes before having to turn it off. Shank's delivery was uninspired and monotone with a complete disinterest in discussing the NFL labor dispute, and gave off the overwhelming impression that he didn't want to be there. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who felt that way. Just turn the show over to Adam Jones permanently and be done with it.

I like writing for you guys, but I didn't agree to suffer painful boredom in doing it.

Blessing In Disguise

There have been no Globe columns from Shank in twelve days, one of the longest streaks on record. By way of comparison, Bob Ryan has at least five columns in the same span.

Given the time of year, maybe Shank's secretly working for a CPA firm, banging out tax returns?

Shank On The Perkins Trade

Blessing us with his weekly CNN / SI column, and his first column in a week, Shank doesn't like the Kendrick Perkins trade.

I hate the Kendrick Perkins trade.

And make no mistake; in Boston, this deal will always be the Kendrick Perkins trade. Jeff Green might be a young Antonio McDyess. He might someday replace Celtics captain Paul Pierce. But Celtics fans will always think of this as the Kendrick Perkins trade. I don't expect Green or 7-foot center Nenad Krstic to have their numbers retired, but even if they play well in Boston, this is going to be remembered as the Kendrick Perkins trade.

It's a shocker and a high-stakes gamble by ever-bold team president Danny Ainge. The Celtics were a conference-best 40-14 at the All-Star break. They were front-runners to make it to the Finals for the third time in four seasons. And then Ainge (one of the great talent evaluators of his generation) up and traded his starting center less than two months before the start of the playoffs.

Can't argue with that.

The Other Old Timers

Shank writes a good column every now and then. His weekly CNN / SI effort is one of them.

FORT MYERS, Fla. -- I arrived in Florida for spring training last week and the first order of business was visiting with Joe Corchran and Tommy McLaughlin, longtime clubhouse workers for the Boston Red Sox. The guys behind the scenes carry the institutional memory for every big league club, and time with Joe and Tommy is always time well spent.

"Did you hear that Ernie Tyler died?'' Joe asked.

First I'd heard of it, I told him.

"A big deal in Baltimore,'' said Tommy. "A very big deal.''

Indeed. Tyler first worked for the Orioles during their inaugural season in 1954. He was an usher at the old Memorial Stadium on 33rd Street for six seasons before he took over as umpire attendant in 1960. Ernie took care of the umps' laundry, their cleats and their meals. He filled ticket requests and arranged for cabs. If they needed directions to Pimlico, Ernie could handle that, too.

Since Shank covered Baltimore in his earlier days, it's safe to say he knew Ernie and writes this in honor of him. I'm not quite sure what to make of one of Shank's better columns comes as a result of an event like this one; probably because stressful events concentrate the mind?

DHL Dan - VII

Not a very tough call, mind you...

With nothing like that level of substance to talk about, when will we see our first genuine mail-it-in job? I'm guessing it will be the Sunday column.

Shank, naturally, does not disappoint (yet disappoints at the same time with over-the top schlock):

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Been here a week now, and it’s pretty clear that this is the greatest team in the history of baseball.

One hundred wins?

Easy. Why not go for the Mariners’ record of 116, established in 2001?

The 2011 Red Sox are the 1927 Yankees. They are Secretariat in the Belmont. They are the 1985 Bears and the 1995-96 Bulls. They are Nixon over McGovern in 1972.

It goes on like that for half the column. There is one good sign in all of this:

I have to get out of here

...before he makes more of an ass out of himself. Shank does, however, come back down to Earth later in the column:

Maybe we need to rein things in a little. Maybe it would be good to remember that the Sox will play half their schedule against the beastly American League East. Maybe we need to remember that injuries happen and that the Sox have an unproven kid behind the plate and a still-shaky shortstop rotation. Let’s not forget the inconvenient truths of Beckett (6-6, 5.78) and Jonathan Papelbon (3.90, eight blown saves) last year.

Nice of Shank to acknowledge reality.

Stolen

Shank's Saturday column covers Carl Crawford and all that it means to the Red Sox. Shank is fairly praiseworthy of Crawford:

Now he comes to Boston trying to make some history in a Red Sox uniform. Crawford is a Gold Glove left fielder who hit .307 with 19 homers, 90 RBIs, and 47 steals last year. He joins Adrian Gonzalez, Dustin Pedroia, Youkilis, David Ortiz, Jacoby Ellsbury, and J.D. Drew to give the Sox the best lineup in baseball.

You can make a case that Crawford was the big winner in NESN’s abysmal ratings last season. The Sox needed some splash and the acquisition of Crawford ($142 million), coming on the heels of the trade for Gonzalez, was done to bring the Sox back to relevance in a competitive sports market.

Be aware of what Shank said about Crawford shortly after the signing:

I worry about his legs. Crawford does a lot of his damage with his wheels and the horrid surface inside Tropicana Field no doubt took a toll. There is also his mediocre history at Fenway — a .275 career average and .301 on-base percentage with only four homers in 320 at-bats over 76 games. Fenway doesn’t seem to amplify his offensive skills.

On Tampa’s 100-loss teams, Crawford was the player who never mailed it in. With Evan Longoria and David Price still maturing, Crawford goes down as the most popular and best player in the history of the Rays franchise.

I included that second paragraph in the interest of fairness. I mentioned previously that Shank seems to write negative things in advance so he can say 'I told you so' in the event of a prolonged slump.

And what's with the similarity of columns the past few days? Do these guys hang around at lunch or dinner and share the same talking points they're going to mention in the next day's columns?

Fired Up

That's how you will not feel after reading Shank's column about Big Papi arriving at spring training. It's a decent enough column by Shank standards; maybe there just isn't a ton of things you can say about someone coming to the clubhouse.

Spotted in Steve Buckley's column, also on Big Papi:

Viewing the obligatory collection of misshapen media types standing off to the side, he laughed and said, “What’s up, (expletive)?” To one of them in particular, he leaned in and said, “Man, I thought you died!”

I wonder why that's in Buckley's column, but not Shank's?

And Now, Batting Fourth...

Shank finally gets around to the obligatory Jacoby Ellsbury column. Unsuprisingly, Ellsbury doesn't want to discuss the 2010 season with Shank (as we're lead to believe in the very first sentence). There's not much new ground to cover in the first half of the column, Shank having devoted a number of columns on the subject. I was expecting much more petty vindictiveness (Mark McGwire & Jay Cutler mentions notwithstanding), but we'll just have to settle for this:

Ellsbury stonewalls better than most. Maybe it comes from being a Scott Boras client. Or maybe the kid is just a natural. In any event, he won’t give it up. He wouldn’t even pinpoint when his ribs were finally 100 percent.

Why would that be, so Shank can trash him on something else?

With nothing like that level of substance to talk about, when will we see our first genuine mail-it-in job? I'm guessing it will be the Sunday column.

Just Buy A Restaurant, Shank...

That way you'll be able to stir as many pots as you want at the same time!

Not content with declaring Jonathan Papelbon gone at year's end, or dredging up John Lackey's 14-11 record last year, Shank now aims his cross hairs at Josh Beckett, in a rather disingenuous fashion:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Not to heap any additional pressure on the man,

Shank is just so full of shit, isn't he?

but Josh Beckett stands to be the most important Red Sox player as we look toward this season of great expectations.

Now, onward - to flunk his own logic test:

Sure, Kevin Youkilis is the soul of the Sox. Dustin Pedroia has been an MVP. Adrian Gonzalez could be the answer to Mark Teixeira. Carl Crawford brings new dimensions. Jacoby Ellsbury (would it have killed him to come here a couple of days early?) can be a star. Jon Lester is one of the best pitchers in baseball. Jonathan Papelbon hopes to return to his old dominant self.

So, Beckett's more important to the Red Sox this year than five everyday players, last year's ace, and your closer? And finally, a shot at Ellsbury. Shank's not disappointing so far. He hangs part of last season's woes on Becket before finally mentioning things Beckett did during the offseason to rectify things, then finally looks at the new year.

It’s Feb. 16 and Epstein is talking about an elite rotation and Beckett is talking about 100 wins. Don’t you just love spring training?

This is a textbook Shank passive / aggressive column.

More Spring Training Dispatches

This is Shank's busiest time of the year, belting out a breathtaking four columns in the span of three days. On one hand, we have a CNN / SI column on spring training itself, with Shank telling a few stories from yesteryear.

Today's Globe column focuses in on pitcher John Lackey, and his 'disappointing' season from last year.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — How bad was it?

Despite popular perception, John Lackey wasn’t a total meatball artist last year. In 33 starts, Lackey went 14-11 with a 4.40 ERA. He led the Sox with 215 innings and struck out 156. Only 14 American League pitchers won more games than Lackey. So how come Lackey gets the Way Back Wasdin treatment everywhere he goes?

I would say 'because of writers like Shank'.

Shank's strange / dishonest conclusion:

Lackey is a workhorse who almost always keeps his team in the game. That should be enough in Boston in 2011.

Then again, we all know it’s almost never enough in Boston.

Because of writers like Shank, of course.

Shank Talks To An Athlete

We know that's not a standing headline. Shank talks about Jonathan Papelbon's non-future with the Red Sox.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — He’s gone. This is it. One more season and Jonathan Papelbon and the Red Sox get divorced. In 2011, Papelbon is the dead man walking (and striking out) batters on the Fenway Park mound. You can search long and far before you find a single soul who believes Papelbon will be part of the Red Sox next season.

This column's tone is pretty much the same as it reads above. It's more than garden variety pot stirring; he's pushing this theme pretty damn hard.

It makes you wonder - when does Shank start ripping Ellsbury again, tomorrow's column?

Welcome To Sunny Florida!

Shank is in Fort Myers on his annual baseball junket. Witness the smooth transition from provincial semi-snobbery to someone who got his ass kicked by seventy inches (and counting!) of New England global warming:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — There are so many reasons that it’s better to be in Fort Myers than in Boston today.

I’m not usually much of a weather guy. I always felt sorry for my parents’ friends who traded their drafty New England farmhouses for some pre-fab condo in a sterile courtyard near an orange grove and an Olive Garden in central Florida. It struck me as an unholy swap. I’ll take the snow and ice if it comes with a neighborhood, lifelong friends, and memories.

This year is different. Life has been too hard in the Hub. Give me heat and humidity, even if it comes with a Perkins and pawn shop on every other block.

Give me the warmth of the sun.

Give me pitchers and catchers.

Give me baseball.

You should be here, too. Here are just a few reasons why:

...

You won’t confront a snow-forced “faceoff’’ every time you’re on a secondary road and there’s a car coming in the other direction. The streets here are snow-free and wide. You don’t have to visit the body shop every time you bang into a wall of concrete/snow. Nobody calls for a tow truck if you park on the side of the road for a moment. It’s shocking for those of us who just got off the plane from Ice Station Zebra/Boston.

It's not a genuine Shank column without a random insult or two:

You might ask new slugger Gonzalez, “Yo, Adrian, what’s up with No. 28?’’ It’s not exactly steeped in tradition. It was worn by lunkheads Steve Crawford, Jeff Stone, and Doug Mirabelli. It was also worn by Jack Billingham, Diego Segui, Dennis Bennett, and Wilbur Wood. It was Joe Rudi’s uniform number during the half-hour he spent with the Sox in 1976.

Ice Station Zebra? Way to date yourself, Shank!

Fuck Shaughnessy, Hard

I'm aware that these are supposed to be the types of articles that this prick is renowned for, but I'm unable to stomach the thought of Shank lionizing a suicide canidate at this point of time. I will say this slow, for the 'Objective Bruce' shitheads that may be reading this. I had a younger brother who went through a quick depression (and a three day coke binge) and hung himself in depression after losing what he thought was the love of his life. Now I'm supposed to stand here and elevate Will above that?

Call me callous, but fuck Shaughnessy for this article. If you want to compare their ages (my little brother was 28 when this happened), maybe he has a point. Should we compare suicides at different points in life and decide what's better? The point I'll make is that it's a selfish act, and maybe shouldn't be forgiven.

A Stand-Up Guy

I can't say a whole lot about Shank's latest effort, mainly because he writes so infrequently about hockey, he's probably wrong when he writes anything about it. I saw the hit about ten times, and I thought it was marginal, because the hit was right at 90 degrees, or to Sawada's right side, not in the back like a boarding call. I don't think it was worth a four game suspension, but that's the sort of thing you argue about.

I will, however, steal this comment from the Globe's comment thread:

Who would know more about cheap shots than Dan "They Call Me Character Assassin" Shaughnessy?