All Aboard!

The Boston Celtics have won thirteen games in a row. Guess who's now jumping on the bandwagon?

The Celtics in Boston at this hour are more popular than free food. They are the biggest story in the NBA, their TV ratings are off the charts, and we cover them the way Fox News covers Donald Trump, the way CNN covered Barack Obama.

You're not supposed to acknowledge media bias, Shank! Didn't they teach you that at Holy Cross?

Never is heard a discouraging word. Normally skeptical reporters turn to jelly around this team. Everything is awesome. We are all Baghdad Bobs. We are all Tommy Heinsohn.

Je suis Johnny Most.

Impressive command of the French language!

Truth be told, it has me a little off my game.

The scalding Celtics play the world champion Warriors at the Garden Thursday, and New England is agog. The Celtics have won 13 in a row and the Warriors are the greatest team on the planet, perhaps the best ever assembled. Our parquet floor is suddenly the center of the NBA universe. Everything is coming up Green.

I wonder if Shank's ever heard of the 1986 Celtics?

Decades of covering teams in this town have trained me to be cynical.

No, you're just a natural born asshole.

Lord knows we’ve had a lot of championships, but there’s usually some case to be made about questionable coaching, nasty personalities in the locker room, buffoonery in the owner’s box, or a team that is more lucky than good.

And we'll always have Cynical Shank to point all of these negative things out

More Tomato Can Misinformation

Here's Shank yesterday morning:

On today with Zo and Beetle @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Plenty of Sox in first hour. Plenty of Tomato Can talk, too.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 14, 2017

One commenter blew that one right out of the water:

Too bad AFC East is tied for 2nd in wins per division and is the only division w/ all teams winning at least 4 games and is playing NFC South who is 1st in wins

— Dudley DooRagz (@DudleyDooRagz) November 14, 2017

I'm willing to bet that if you look here from this point forward, to the end of the regular season, this point will be borne out. Remember that Shank first started using the 'tomato can' insult against the other three teams in the AFC East division (Buffalo, Miami and the New York Jets). He's since expanded it to include all NFL teams not named the New England Patriots. I'm not sure if Shank would continue to use the phrase even if you hit him over the head with these numbers (because he hates numbers), but I wouldn't put it past him.

There's also a commenter here that pointed this out - this fact (AFC East win totals being greater than all others) has held for the past ten years (the end year being 2015 or 2016) even if you adjust for removing the Patriots / other top division winner from this total. Unfortunately I can't find that post right now. To some extent, Shank is oblivious to certain facts, especially the numeric ones.

Meeting The Deadline

When you're out in Denver with a deadline to meet, this is how you do it - write the majority of the column beforehand, adding unconfirmed speculation to make it interesting:

DENVER — Pay attention, Patriots fans.

You want Bill Belichick to stick around? I think I have the solution.

Belichick is climbing the ladder of NFL coaching legends. The Patriots’ stunningly easy 41-16 victory over the once-tough Denver Broncos Sunday night was Bill’s 270th career win, tying him with Cowboys legend Tom Landry for third place on the all-time list. The only guys ahead of him are George Halas (324) and Don Shula (347), whom Belichick hates.

...insert a paragraph or two of predictable responses by coach Bill Belichick:

An hour after it was over, I tried and failed to get Bill to talk about the meaning of his new ranking among the elite NFL coaches.

“Look, it’s flattering, but honestly, I don’t think that’s the story tonight,’’ he answered. “The story tonight is the way our team performed. To win games in this league you need great players and I’ve been fortunate to have some great players and a lot of great assistant coaches and great staffs. That’s really what it’s about. The players are the ones that make the plays and they did it tonight.’’

...and voila!

The Shaughnessy Conundrum

Does Shank continue last year's fake Patriots praise and tell you how awesome the team is, or does he fall back on the tried and true 'tomato can' defense?

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.’’

— Napoleon Bonaparte

Who knew Shank was a history buff?

DENVER — Here we are. Midseason. The Patriots are coming off their bye week, and everything is teed up for another Super Bowl run.

Despite all the stuff that has happened to the Patriots, they have the best record in the AFC (6-2, tied with Pittsburgh, but who ever worries about them?) and the best path to Super Bowl LII in Minneapolis.

Once again, while the Patriots were not playing, everything that could possibly help them is what happened. The Chiefs lost to the Cowboys. The Bills lost to the Jets. The Dolphins lost to the Raiders. The Ravens lost to the Titans. The Texans lost their young star quarterback. Green Bay gave up on tight end Martellus Bennett, who was quickly snapped up by the Patriots.

Amazing.

Little Tomato Cans sitting in a row. They all fall down.

It Begins

As noted many times in the previous weeks, Shank's 'pretend to like the Patriots' act has finally run its course:

Would B nice if we didn't have media celebrating Belichick crapping on media. Scribes R there to represent fans. Same fans who want info, celebrate when Belichick gives media finger. So which is it?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 8, 2017

There's no 'which is it?' - the fans hate the media, simple as that. Then I look at the comments and confirm this 'theory':

40 years ago Eddie Andelman's Sports Huddle exposed the lie that you guys represent the fans. We probably loathe you more than we loathe fat cat owners & players. You're parasites.

— WalterMcKinleyBetts(@HuckBetts) November 9, 2017

F the media, especially fools like you. Basically all good things are ruined by writers just trying to get clicks. Film, sports, politics, everything. Sadly the media shapes our society with their bias. I’d be fine without the dumb post game questions.

— Mark E. (@markEmarkSJS) November 9, 2017

Agree on some of these points. But was borgesrepresenting the fans when he was crapping all over Bellichickfor years?

— Jeff Metzgar(@JeffMetzgar23) November 8, 2017

So what you’re saying is only media can crap on athletes and coaches, not fair for them to do it back. Gotcha.

— Joey Gloster(@JoeyGloster) November 8, 2017

This Will Be Good For A Few Shank Columns

Due out in a few months - The Two Bills, an ESPN 30 for 30 documentary on NFL coaches Bill Parcells and Bill Belichick:

When Parcells stepped down as Jets coach after the 1999 season, he planned to have Belichick succeed him, but the day after Parcells announced his departure as coach, Belichick surprised the team by promptly announcing his resignation to a shocked media. He went to the Patriots and the rest is history.

“The Two Bills” trailer aired during the “Nature Boy” film and will premiere sometime this winter. With the cooperation of NFL Films, “The Two Bills” includes interviews with Giants legend Harry Carson and Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor, who said Belichick should have followed Parcells as Giants head coach.

The documentary brings Parcells and Belichick together in one room for a rare interview. We’ll see how cordial the two Bills are after all of the history between them.

I'm guessing 'next to none'!

There's one question I think we agree ought to be asked - which Bill ordered the disinvite to Shank on that Patriots / Green Bay Packers Super Bowl Party?

What's interesting here is the italicized part above. When the New England Patriots played in their second Super Bowl in 1997, the Patriots threw a party and Shank was not invited. We believe this to be the point where Shank became a lifelong bête noire of the Patriots. If he disliked the Patriots at that point (or, more specifically, owner Robert Kraft), this snub was the proverbial nail in the coffin.

World Series Wrapup

Shank takes the 2017 World Series seven game victory by the Houston Astros to tell the readers of his own favorite World Series matchups. The pictures in the article are nothing more than self-aggrandizement.

This will shock precisely no one reading this, but of the ten he mentions, one involved a Red Sox win (2004) and two others involved Red Sox losses (1975 and 1986).

Stupid Patriots Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

As the New England Patriots enjoy their bye week, Shank stirs the pot one or two more times:

QB’s of every Team that’s a threat to Patriots will be out for playoffs. Derek Carr last yr. Rodgers, nowWatson. Like clockwork #tomato cans

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 2, 2017

Watson hurt Bills lose. Another good day for Pats. Stand there and do nothing works every time for New England. #TheyAllFallDown.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 3, 2017

The Patriots have beaten the Texans like rented mules for the past three or four years, but Shank's trying to convince everybody that they're the real deal? What a hack!

The Predictable, Parochial Shaughnessy

Sometimes you read columns by Shank and your only reaction is to shake your head and go on to something far more worthwhile. After LA won Game 6 of the World Series, Shank comes out with a perfectly lame and predictable column:

LOS ANGELES — And so we will have a seventh game.

Could this Fall Classic have ended any other way?

Wonder who will be the World Series’ new “Mr. November”?

The staggered and stunned Los Angeles Dodgers recovered from Game 5 trauma (a 13-12 loss in 10 innings) and beat Justin Verlander, 3-1, Tuesday night to square this 113th World Series at three games apiece. The 101-win Houston Astros and the 104-win Dodgers will meet in the ultimate game Wednesday night at Chavez Ravine.

The ’Stros, a team born the same year Dodger Stadium was built, will be trying to lift hurricane-ravaged Houston with the city’s first World Series championship.

The vaunted Dodgers, hardball royalty for more than a century, are looking for their first championship in 29 years.

And no one has any idea how any of it will turn out.

Once Game 7 was won by the Houston Astros, Shank comes out with this beauty. Did you know the real underlying theme of the series? It's all about New England!

LOS ANGELES — The Houston Astros won their first World Series title with a 5-1, Game 7 victory over the Dodgers at Wednesday night at Dodger Stadium.

The 113th Fall Classic featured a record 25 home runs, two unforgettable extra-inning games, and brought happiness and hope to a city devastated by Hurricane Harvey in August.
Now I am going to tell you how this epic clash was actually all about New England. It was about the Red Sox. It was about the Boston baseball experience.

Let us count the ways:

No, we won't. To me, this is pure unprofessional garbage. That Shank is simply too classless to set his massively oversized ego aside and give the Houston Astros their due is an insult to this reader and a lot of other readers. Unless we're reading just to say 'Yup - typical asshole / provincial Shaughnessy'.

Shank Has It All Figured Out

That's what he wants us to think:

So now Denver sucks which means next game for no Jimmy G Pats will be another Tomato Can game. We’re on to Minneapolis.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 31, 2017

A few followers can't read / disagree with this assessment:

What is the English translation for this tweet?

— Debbie Amorelli(@djamorelli) October 31, 2017

Except they always play like shit in Denver. Try to pretend that you watch the team.

— Andy (@FantasyCapper) October 31, 2017

You guys all realize he’s a troll right?

— Johnny Fontane(@JohnnyFontane1) October 31, 2017

Why, yes. Yes we do!

The One Where I Agree With Shank

When he's right, he's right:

HOUSTON — Best World Series game ever?

Best World Series ever?

Or just a demonstration of bad pitching, juiced baseballs, and homer-happy ballparks?

A World Series is not supposed to have a Game For The Ages twice within a span of five days, but the 2017 Fall Classic already ranks as one of the best ever played and we still have one or two games left.

The Houston Astros, trying to win the first championship in the history of a franchise born in 1962, outlasted the Los Angeles Dodgers, 13-12, in 10 innings Sunday night/Monday morning to take a three-games-to-two lead in the 113th World Series, which resumes Tuesday at Dodger Stadium.

Did you know that this game had a local angle? Of course you did!

So there. The balls are juiced, the games are too long, and baseball is putting on a show unlike any other in an event that started at Boston’s Huntington Grounds back in 1903. That series was a best-of-nine, won, 5-3, by Boston. May I suggest the Dodgers and ’Stros make this a best-of-nine? Or best of 19?

Oh, and pushing the local angle a bit, I can tell you that Houston fans were chanting “Beat LA, Beat LA” when they poured out of Minute Maid Park while you were sleeping Monday morning.

Yep - it's all about Boston!

Patriots Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

At least Shank is sparing us the 'tomato can' / 'double score' shtick somewhat:

Chargers in Foxboro. Prepare for visitors to look across the field at Belichick and forget everything they know about football. #tomatocans

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 29, 2017

Pats win toss. Defer.
We're on to Denver.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 29, 2017

The stupidity begins: "Let's not go for 4th and 1. We are losers. Let's go for a 51 yarder and miss it.''

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 29, 2017

Well, if I recall correctly, Novak (Chargers kicker) was never known for long-distance field goals.

The Obligatory World Series Game 3 Column

Shank half-heartedly bangs out a World Series column.

HOUSTON — An Ode To The ’Stros.

The World Series returned to Houston Friday and the resurgent Astros thumped the Dodgers, 5-3, to take a two-games-to-one lead in the 113th World Series.

Lord knows there’s a lot to love about the Astros this year.

Let’s start with the obvious:

Yep, go read a Globe sports columnist for obvious takes.

And Now For More Former Boston Globe Employee Bashing

Look who's whining about the cost of inflight wifi - none other than the grandfather of fake news!

Delta flight from L.A. to NYC offers in-flight Wi-Fi for $40...That makes Delta both an airline and a criminal enterprise. #stickemupinair

— Mike Barnicle (@mikebarnicle) October 27, 2017

Have you considered reading a book during the flight instead, Mr. Barnicle, say some work of fiction by a writer about how a local mobster 'kept the drugs out of Southie'?

World Series Game 2 Recap

Looks like Shank's making up for his no-show column for Game 1.

LOS ANGELES — Baseball wins. It is 1975 all over again.

The Houston Astros and Los Angeles Dodgers, tied 1-1, will resume the 113th World Series at Minute Maid Park Friday night. But before we go there, we must pay homage to what happened at Chavez Ravine Wednesday night.

It was without doubt one of the greatest World Series games ever played. It shook the foundation of the beautiful ballpark built by the O’Malleys in 1962.

I think that's kind of a stretch. From there, it's the standard game recap and a ton of Red Sox 1975 World Series references, which seems to be his primary motivation in writing this column.

The Obligatory Rich Hill Column

You're getting a column from Shank only because the Dodgers' starting pitcher for Game 2 is a local boy.

LOS ANGELES — The kid from the Bay State League, the kid who grew up playing on Cunningham Park in Milton, started Game 2 of the World Series Wednesday night at Dodger Stadium.

Thirty-seven-year-old Rich Hill — a guy who pitched for the Cubs, Orioles, Red Sox, Indians, Angels, Yankees, A’s, and yes, even the Long Island Ducks just two years ago — got the ball for the Dodgers against Houston’s Justin Verlander.

Hill pitched four perilous innings and picked up a no-decision in a game the Astros won, 7-6, in 11 innings. The pride of Milton allowed one run on three hits and three walks while striking out seven. Hill threw only 60 pitches, but evidently manager Dave Roberts did not want to give Houston batters a third go-around vs. the Dodgers lefthander. The Dodgers were hitless vs. Verlander in the first four frames and it looked like runs were going to be at a premium in Game 2.

'Working' Vacation?

The Boston Globe sent Shank out to Los Angeles, allegedly to cover the baseball World Series. The Dodgers beat the Astros last night, 3-1.

Did Shank write a column about it? Hell, no!

Math Be Hard

Ah, the thrills of listening to 'hard core LA baseball fans':

Hard core LA baseball fans already predicting "Dodgers in Three.''

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 25, 2017

It All Makes Sense Now

From the looks of it, Shank's in LA to cover the World Series, and his conversations are as forward looking as you'd expect:

Just talked a little 1955 (Yankees-Brooklyn Dodgers) World Series with Larry King . . . Good times.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 24, 2017

When I threw this by my roommate, he quipped - 'they (the Globe) wanted him out of Boston'.

Combined age of Shaughnessy and King = 147 years.

Pro Tip To Alex Cora

Shank on the last guy he said he would never rip, exactly three years ago today:

I promise never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list.

Shank, about fifteen minutes ago:

I promised Alex Cora I’d never rip him. Then fessed up and admitted, “Actually that’s probably a lie.” pic.twitter.com/M6M2zQYuSV

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 24, 2017

If / when the Red Sox go on a four game losing streak, that will change suddenly enough.