DHL Dan XLVII - Picked Up Pablum

In today's installment of the Picked Up Pieces column, we have confirmation of Shank's bandwagon Patriots columns being complete and insincere bullshit. While the majority of the column is the standard, boilerplate Shank filler to fill his meager monthly quota, the real intent of the column is to pile on the New England Patriots, like that's a shocking revelation. Why else would he repeat this little snippet from a New York gossip column?

■ Thanks to the New York Post, we know that Judge Richard Berman and Bob Kraft had a brief conversation at a large party in the Hamptons a few days after the judge vacated Brady’s suspension.

According to a piece in the Cornell Daily Sun, Berman’s wife teaches at Wellesley College three days a week.

“She said that in Boston, I could become a celebrity,’’ Judge Berman told the student paper. “Or maybe I already am.’’

Judge Berman said that observing the post-verdict reaction of Patriot fans “was a lot of fun.’’

Here’s former NBA commissioner David Stern speaking to Sports Illustrated regarding fanboy Berman: “In a court with one of the busiest dockets in the nation, Judge Berman was dazzled by the headlights of professional sports and crossed into the wrong lane and engaged the federal courts in the intricacies of running a sports league. Where they have no business.’’

I would pose a few questions for our intrepid Boston Globe columnist:

Is there any evidence that Berman is, in fact, a 'fanboy' of the New England Patriots, or is that just poetic license?

Is there any indication that these conversational snippets are anything other than standard 'small talk' that is the norm at 'a large party' and / or that they may have influenced his decision? Or is that insinuation now on the table, regardless?

Did you take issue with any of Berman's legal reasoning? It sure as hell doesn't show here; in fact, it's quite the opposite.

When you're Shank, you pile on public figures. If they were not public figures, the following would be borderline slander:

■ There’s a lengthy profile of Kraft in October’s Boston Magazine. Written by Robert Huber, the theme of the piece is, “Something about Robert Kraft feels . . . off.’’

Big Papi's post-baseball career is revealed:

■ When David Ortiz was asked by the Players Tribune what his dream job would be if not for baseball, Ortiz said, “Porn star.’’ A day after that was revealed, Ortiz got an offer of $100,000 from porn boss Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment.

Speaking of shithead media types:

■ This from the intro of Colin Cowherd’s new book, “Raw’’: “It was nothing short of jaw-dropping to witness the performance of the Boston media during the entire [Deflategate] episode. In one of America’s most educated cities, with perhaps our nation’s richest sports history, local outlets transformed themselves into pom-pom waving, jersey-wearing, fist-pumping superfans . . . It was a hazmat spill of homerism . . . Do we want a media that makes us comfortable by placating and pandering to the dimmest and least discerning?’’

Cowherd recently left ESPN and can now be heard on Fox Sports.

Anyone in the New England area could tell Cowherd the opposite, including listening to Felger & Mazz for any stretch as well as reading certain Shank columns like this one, or these tweets, or this column.

Other than that - great column!

Birds Of A Feather

Shank dedicates today's column to fellow asshole A.J. Pierzynski.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — A.J. Pierzynski. The Most Hated Player In Baseball.

I couldn’t wait to talk to this guy.

We're not really surprised by this revelation, are we?

According to a 2012 Men’s Journal poll, Pierzynski is the Most Hated Player in Baseball.

“I just laugh at it,’’ he said. “I think it’s cool. I’ve won it a bunch of years in a row. They just change the title around. They change a couple of words.’’

True. In various other polls, Pierzynski has been cited as “Player You Would Most Like To See Beaned” and “Meanest Player’’ in baseball.

“I think I’ve won it before so it’s just an easy answer,’’ he added. “But I think A-Rod took over for me this year.’’

Is there a trophy that comes with the coveted “most hated” distinction — something that gets passed along from year to year like the Stanley Cup?

“No,’’ said Pierzynski. “You just get awkward questions by media people every day.’’

As an aside, Shank's better columns tend to be the ones when he gets to focus on the overwhelming negative aspects of a team, player or situation. It's pretty obvious what his motivation is with this column.

Early Football Season For Shank

Never let an opportunity to bash the Krafts go to waste.

Traditionally, the Patriots take the field to the tune of “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne. It’s part of all-important game presentation.

Might be time to switch to Warren Zevon’s “Lawyers, Guns, and Money.’’

The Patriots are a football team. They are all about winning football games. Nothing more. The deadly serious Aaron Hernandez situation is the latest reminder of this hard fact.

Bob and Jonathan Kraft need to stop trying to make us think the Patriots are different from all those bad boys in the NFL. You know, all those guys who only care about winning.

Generally speaking, that's what separates successful sports franchises from the others. It looks to me that the Patriots have been better at this sort of thing than, for instance, the Cincinnati Bengals.

“If you’re going to be a part of this organization, there’s a responsibility and a sense of obligation that comes with it, because in my family’s mind, you’re carrying our last name as well,’’ Jonathan Kraft said after the Patriots signed Albert Haynesworth in 2011. “We just want [them] to understand what it means to be a Patriot and that there are certain things that are as important to us, and in some cases, more important to us, than winning.’’

No. The Patriots are no different than any other team. They’ll take a chance on trouble, which apparently is what they did when they drafted Hernandez in the fourth round in 2010.

Hernandez slipped in the draft because of maturity issues and failed drug tests while at the University of Florida. A lot of teams passed on him, but the Patriots took a shot. And so he came here and he played well. In August of 2012, the Patriots broke from standard operating procedure and rewarded Hernandez with a $37 million contract extension, which included a $12.5 million signing bonus. When Hernandez immediately gave $50,000 to the Myra Kraft Giving Back Fund, Bob Kraft called it, “one of the touching moments since I’ve owned the team.’’

I do recall Shank bringing up the issue of character with respect to the Patriots bringing in Haynesworth; memory and research both indicate that character was not an issue for Shank when Hernandez was drafted. To paraphrase a comment to Shank's article, when Mother Teresa lines up at tight end, consider the problem resolved.

UPDATE at 1:48 PM = Deadspin piles on.

Iced

Dan Shaughnessy, typing away with 2:30 left in the Bruins game last night:

"Here in the Stub of Hockey, they are Wrong Ways on Causeway, the Not so Fleet on Center Ice. Claude (as in "Clod") Julien may never have to buy a drink in this town again, but that's a good thing since he will be looking for a new job come Wednesday. Can we say another 40 years between Cups?"

Dan Shaughnessy, at 6:05 of overtime in the Bruins game last night:

"Oh crap."