DHL Dan CCXLII - The Fab Four? Really?

It's been a while since Shank dropped a Beatles comparison on us. Let's see how that's going to work out:

‘Boston’s Baseball Beatles’ are sure to be the talk of spring training for the next month, and other thoughts

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Picked-up pieces after nine days at Fenway South . . .

▪ Roman Anthony, Kristian Campbell, Marcelo Mayer . . . John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison.

Hot-shot prospects Anthony, Campbell, and Mayer are Boston’s Baseball Beatles. They are the The Fab Three (prospect catcher Kyle Teel, the Ringo drummer of this Sox crop, was traded for Garrett Crochet).

All approximately 6 feet 3 inches, all drafted by Chaim Bloom, Anthony, Campbell, and Mayer dress side-by-side-by-side in the Red Sox clubhouse at JetBlue Park. They were together in Portland and Worcester last summer, and here in Fort Myers they walk together to the batting cages almost every day. After workouts and spring games, they go to the beach, watch movies, and eat dinner with one another.

Labeling these guys “highly touted” is an understatement. Anthony, Campbell, and Mayer are three of the top 25 prospects in all of baseball.

The Unwatchable National Pastime

Shank does his best to put a positive spin on 'Opening Day':

The Red Sox annihilated the moribund Baltimore Orioles, 13-2, at empty Fenway Park on Friday. It was the Red Sox’ 120th Opening Day, and by any measure it goes down as the most unusual sporting event in our city’s history.

It was the first real game involving a Boston team since March 10, when the Bruins blanked the Flyers, 2-0, in Philadelphia and the Celtics beat the Pacers in Indianapolis. Since then, we’ve consumed grainy rebroadcasts of the Larry Bird Celtics, the Tom Brady Patriots, and the Curse-busting Red Sox of 2004.

I hope that last one hurt, bucko...

For the sake of television, the Red Sox and Orioles went though all the traditional pre-game rituals. There was red, white, and blue bunting on the upper deck facade, and four rows of cardboard-cutout fans filled the Monster Seats — it looked a little like the cover of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper album — but the official attendance was 00,000 when Nathan Eovaldi threw a 100 mile-per-hour first pitch to Baltimore center fielder Austin Hays at 7:33 p.m.

Worse than reading this pedantic column was watching the game last night; I could do it for about a minute, then I changed over to The Bourne Ultimatum. No fans and fake crowd noise - baseball in its current form is unwatchable and I still maintain the corporate suits calling the shots here are doing irreparable harm to the game.

Back On The Bandwagon

With Shank's second column on the New England Patriots this season, he goes all in on the bandwagon hijacking.

There’s been a lot of nice noise about Boston sports statues in recent weeks. Within a month we unveiled Bronze Yaz and Bronze Bill Russell. Now, in the the afterglow of the magical October of David Ortiz, there’s a rush to see Big Papi set in stone.

In this spirit, I submit a case for Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. Not today. Not tomorrow. But someday when this fantastic football fable is finished. It may be a long time from now. As the ever-amazing Patriots rest in the hard-earned comfort of their 7-2 record on their bye weekend, there is no indication that Belichick and Brady are near the end. Long may they run.

The Belichick-Brady combo is professional sports’ most successful coach-player partnership since Red Auerbach and Russell ruled the basketball world from 1956-69.

From the column's comments section, the combinations of Vince Lombardi / Bart Starr and Phil Jackson / Michael Jordan were overlooked and / or ignored. Throw in an Elvis & John Lennon mention and the obligatory cheap shot to Patriots ownership, and you have a carbon copy Patriots Bandwagon Column^TM.

Milking The Theme II / Late Editing?

Shank banged out a column yesterday about the by now infamous cop in the Red Sox bullpen during Game 2's grand slam by David Ortiz in the 8th inning.

A day later, there is still so much to process and digest. You look at the instant-classic photo by the Globe’s Stan Grossfeld. You think back to the moment and you notice things.

The police officer in the photo — the guy who signaled “touchdown” in celebration of David Ortiz’s game-tying grand slam — has a Red Sox playoff beard. Steve Horgan is going to be remembered forever. As Boston’s finest. As a fan. Arms raised in celebration, beard down to his badge, Steve Horgan is part Bobby Orr, part Mike Napoli. Maybe he’ll get his own statue one day.

Of course, Grossfeld (egged on by Shank?) makes the only comparison he can:

“It’s like Paul McCartney on the cover of ‘Abbey Road’ in his bare feet,’’

Did part of this column get swept under the rug?

cheezwhiz10/14/13 06:52 PM

If there's ever a conspiracy theory about this game, the lady in the pink hat will be a central figure.

Did she already know the outcome of the game?

Rizfoshiz10/14/13 07:07 PM

I am pretty sure she is sitting in a wheelchair

cheezwhiz10/15/13 06:43 AM

Oops. Sorry about that.

If you read this story last night, Shaughnessey had a line about the lady in the pink hat being the only one not standing. That line has since been edited out.

It's not like Shank to be insensitive about other people's disabilities; Jeff Stone, anyone?

Bostoned Out - II

Today's column features two former Red Sox players, Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez, traded to the L.A. Dodgers last year. Fitting that a column that looks to the past contains a Beatles refernce, isn't it?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Thousands of miles to the west, in the middle of the desert, Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez still haunt the Red Sox.

Crawford and A-Gon are still crying about the blue meanies of Boston. Who knew that Josh Beckett would be the stand-up guy who takes his lumps and keeps quiet?

First we heard from Crawford in Wednesday’s Los Angeles Times. He described the Boston baseball environment as “toxic.’’

“I knew with the struggles I was having, it would never get better for me,’’ cried Crawford. “It puts you in a kind of a depression stage. You just don’t see a way out.’’

Naturally, things are better now that he’s with the Dodgers.

A day later, Gonzalez brought out the big lumber in USA Today.

“Chemistry is something you need among the ballplayers, but also with the owners, the coaches, and the front office,’’ said Gonzalez. “In Boston, we had great chemistry among the players — we were together — but that was only among the players. It wasn’t there with the rest. That’s why the team didn’t win. It needs to be an organization-wide thing.’’

“It’s hard to me to interpret what he was saying,’’ said Sox CEO Larry Lucchino. “It sounded pretty general. He could have been referring to managers, coaches, front office people. I’m not going to comment on the possibilities. I really don’t know. I have fond feelings for him and I wish him good luck where he is, so I don’t see it as an overall accusation against the franchise.’’

Right. As dumb and dysfunctional as the Sox were last year, Gonzo is a fraud. And Crawford sounds like a wimp. Please. These guys were paid tens of millions of dollars and managed only to fail. They were part of the worst September collapse in baseball history. Then they were part of the trainwreck of 2012.

What's interesting about this column is what Shank chose not to write. Shank just helped Terry Francona write a book about his tenure as manager of the Red Sox, where there was a certain level of criticism directed at Larry Lucchino, the man in charge of the management structure / the front office and, presumably, criticism of other parts of the organization to one extent or another. The tension between players and certain members of the management structure (Bobby Valentine in particular) was front page news last year. It is safe to say that Adrian Gonzalez's main point in the above paragraphs largely supports one of the themes of the Francona book, namely organizational dysfunction, which Shank not only co-wrote but had a certain level of influence on. Is there anyone out there who thinks Shank would not use this to his advantage and keep bashing Red Sox management & ownership?

So why did Shank respond to Crawford & Gonzalez like he did? Did he just reflexively trash former Boston athletes as the 'frauds' and 'wimps' they are, failing to live up to the hype and their multi-million dollar contracts, or

...did he not want to use the opportunity to trumpet Gonzalez's statement about organizational dysfunction and keep taking shots at management (read - Lucchino) because someone told him / he decided that he needs to be nice to Lucchino for a while and let things cool down, lest Lucchino hire some black hats and has Shank taken out Bulgarian style? I can't bring myself to give Shank credit for being clever enough to come up with this latter option, but it's perfect cover if you buy the former option. My head is spinning on this one...

Armageddon?

The Red Sox lost this afternoon, 13 - 12 in 11 innings, giving the Detroit Tigers a sweep of the series.

You just know Shank's gonna lose it in tomorrow's columm, don't you?

What natural or man-made disaster will Shank use to describe this loss?

* Plague of locusts;

* Drought / famine;

* Three Mile Island, 1979;

* Breakup of the Beatles, 1970;

* Hiroshima & Nagasaki, 1945;

* Lost Russian submarine Kursk, 2000;

* Eruption of Krakatoa, 1883;

* Annual floods in Bangladesh;

* Sunk freighter Edmund Fitzgerald, 1975;

* Haitian earthquake, 2010;

* San Francisco earthquake & fire, 1906; or..

* the bombing of Dresden, 1945?

Settle Down, Beavis

Shank's third column in as many days focuses on Adrian Gonzalez and his first game in a Red Sox uniform. His over-the-top effusiveness and gushing praise for the man bring to mind one question - did Shank give this guy a blowjob after the game?

I am dead serious. Check these sentences out:

Some moments stand out in a lifetime, like red M&Ms sprinkled into a big bowl of vanilla.

There was the night the Beatles first played on “The Ed Sullivan Show.’’

There was the first moon landing on July 20, 1969.

And then there was Adrian Gonzalez’s first game in a Red Sox uniform yesterday at City of Palms Park in southwest Florida.

Who’ll ever forget it?

...

It was a fluid, loose swing. Pure butter.

...


Yo Adrian has the soft hands of Yo Yo Ma, hands of a confident hitter. The first swing, the first hit, was textbook stuff.

I'm sure Adrian Gonzalez is a good player, but really, give us a freakin' break, Shank...

A Little Over the Top

Shank once again blows an opportunity to write a decent column. He should be penalized for excessive hyperbole:

The Steelers are football.

The Steelers are the NFL.

...

If you have been to Pittsburgh to watch the Steelers, you know exactly what I am talking about. If you’ve never been, maybe you’ve picked it up just by watching on TV. Pittsburgh is simply the cradle of the NFL.

The Steelers are about continuity, excellence, toughness, and tradition. They are football’s comfort food. You see the logo on the right side of the helmet and you know you are watching the NFL at its best.

Throw in random mentions of the Beatles, Randy Moss, Larry Lucchino and Johnny Unitas in the present tense as if he was still alive, and Shank snatches defeat from the jaws of victory.

Bumpy Column

When Shank starts off like this:

Tom Brady is our Beatle. He is our Jacko. He is Brady Gaga.

...there isn't much need to read further. A simply awful column, even by Shank's standards.

What Are The Odds?

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column focuses on Jacoby Ellsbury and his injury situation. Seems the primary focus is how long does it take to come back from a collision with Adrian Beltre when you wind up with cracked ribs and other injuries. More focus is given to the 'other injuries'; how they were diagnosed, by whom they were diagnosed and at whose behest were they diagnosed.

This part is interesting and humorous at the same time (my emphasis):

Ellsbury has played only nine games all season and is clearly at odds with the Sox management, medical staff and teammates. And he's getting carved up on Boston's sports talk programs.

Would you care to guess who one of the hosts of the "Boston's sports talk programs" is?

Saturday
8am: Bertrand & Gasper
11am: The Dan Shaughnessy Show
2pm: Hardy & Trupiano
6pm: FOX Sports Radio

I listened to part of the Saturday show (about 15 minutes between 12:45 & 1:00) where it was a block about LeBron, so to be fair I can't say with any surety if Ellsbury was discussed prior or subsequent to that block of time. I would not be surprised in the slightest if Shank took part in carving the metaphorical Thanksgiving turkey. Gotta love to be in the position of stirring the pot, then write as though your fingerprints aren't on the knife. One would think that, at a minimum, a disclosure of this situation would be professionally responsible.

More Hondo, And More

You turn your back for one day, and what happens? Shank comes out with three columns, that's what.

Shank compares Glen Davis to Hondo and other Celtics:

No problem. In the proud tradition of Frank Ramsey, John Havlicek, and Kevin McHale, Glen Davis reminded us that he’s good enough to start every night in the NBA. Baby Grande torched the Heat last night, scoring a bull-rush 23 points with eight rebounds in 29 minutes of a too-easy 106-77 Game 2 victory.

Shank then doubles up on Beatles (ok, one John Lennon) song references when discussing Red Auerbach:

Kevin Garnett, Boston’s most important player, could not play in the second game of the Celtics-Heat first-round playoff series. When Kendrick Perkins and Jermaine O’Neal jumped center just after 8 p.m., Garnett was reported to be watching from an office inside the New Garden. The combustible KG was serving a one-game suspension for throwing an elbow in a stupid incident that unfolded near the Miami bench in the final minute of Game 1.

Red never would have allowed this to happen. In Red’s world, you instigate, then let the other team get penalized for hitting back. Or maybe you send Jim Loscutoff into a game to mix it up with Wilt Chamberlain, hoping they both get ejected. You’ll gladly swap Loscy for Wilt. It’s a good deal for the Celtics.

Losing Garnett while the Heat lose no one? That’s a horrible deal. It’s an example of the Celtics getting whupped at the game Red invented.

It would not be incorrect to say that Red wrote the book on basketball gamesmanship. Because . . . Red literally wrote the book on basketball gamesmanship.

Then Shank watched the Bruins in double overtime while working in a Simon & Garfunkel reference:

The Bruins last night beat the Sabres, 3-2, on Miroslav Satan’s backhander past Ryan Miller in the eighth minute of the second overtime. Boston takes a 3-1 series lead back to Niagara Falls tomorrow night.

After a spring in which we worried about early tee times for our winter franchises, the Celtics and Bruins are both on track to make it into the second round. Certainly there will be no sounds of silence on Causeway Street this month.

Steppin' Up

That was Shank's challenge to the Boston Celtics, who host the Miami Heat for the first round of playoff basketball.

Shank makes another fearless prediction:

I’m picking the old green guys to at least make it to the Eastern Conference finals. That means they’ll beat Miami in the first round, then beat Cleveland in the second round.

That’s right. They’ll beat Cleveland. The Cavs have the best record in basketball and they have LeBron James, but the Celtics match up well with Cleveland and the Cavaliers know it.

I hope they can pull this off, but I won't be this bold.

Shank also throws in a column during a rain delay. These aren't the highest quality of column types, but at least it's a good use of time during a rain delay.

Dancin' With The Shanks

Shank's latest column focuses on yesterday's dog and pony show, know to the rest of us as Tiger Woods' latest press conference.

One of yesterday’s questions started with, “Tiger, after what you’ve been through the last five months . . .’’

Stop. This is not a guy coming back from flying 39 combat missions over Korea. This is not a guy coming back from leukemia or a death in the family. Let’s admit that some of the salacious stuff is none of our business, but could we please not paint Tiger Woods as a comeback hero? I fear that’s the way it’s going to be framed this week at friendly Augusta (“A tradition like no other’’).

It’s always been about image with Tiger and it’s no different now.

While I largely agree with these sentiments, compare and contrast this article with Shank's previous column on Tiger. It's fair to say the previous article stands in contrast with the current article.

In the middle of the 35-minute session, Tiger looked out at the group and said, “A lot of my friends are in here. A lot of you in here are my friends and will always be my friends.’’

Geez. Nomar and Schill never said that to me.

I think the word Shank is looking for here is 'asshole'.

When faced with a couple of tougher questions, Tiger went to his Bill Belichick playbook.

Asked what he was in treatment for, Woods said, “That’s personal. Thank you.’’

When Shank compares your answer to Bill Belichick, you know exactly where you stand with Shank. In the doghouse.

Dave M Calls It

Well, not a tough call, mind you, but Dave M. comments in the previous thread:

I can hear Shaughnessy now - "he quit on the Sox" - "lasting image of him sulking as he watched Jeter dive over the rail...."; "he was never happy in boston" " he hated the media"; and "it's insidious to think he would actually work for espn" etc etc

God, please spare us

Let's see how close this prediction measures up to reality:

Dan Shaughnessy

In historically bad taste here

----------

Great player.

Total fraud.

Welcome home, Nomie.

I hate to be the turd fly in the punch bowl here, but yesterday’s lovefest involving Nomar Garciaparra and the Red Sox was truly nauseating. If Nomar had been hooked up to a polygraph, the machine would have exploded.

Funny how a guy who delighted in taking shot after shot at Nomar can write the following with no hint of irony:

Do not be fooled. Life is long and people change. There is certainly every possibility that Nomar has matured and will henceforth pledge allegiance to Boston and spread the Gospel of the Red Sox. But it’s downright fraudulent to deny or ignore how bad this relationship was at the end. Nomar hated Boston and the Red Sox in 2004, and the Sox knew they had to get rid of him if they had a chance to win a World Series. It was nasty and personal and it was obvious to everyone who was around the team in that iconic season.

Shank amply contributed to the situation he now mocks as fraudulent. I'd say that's a pretty strong example of hypocrisy, yes?

In yesterday’s sorry spirit of disingenuousness and hypocrisy, Garciaparra announced that he has taken a job with ESPN. This makes him a member of the media, which is like Sarah Palin telling us she is going to be chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

One wonders if Shank can review his columns on Nomar over the years and reach the same conclusion.