They Were Tomato Cans Twenty Minutes Ago

I sure wish Shank could make up his mind - don't you?

Do I hear "Bend, but don't break"? That always works against crap teams. Until you get deep in the playoffs

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 14, 2016

The Unbearable Shank - II

With 1/8 of the game played, here is the Shank take so far:

Seahawks looking like one more tomato can

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 14, 2016

Can feel it. Pete getting ready to call slant pass on second and goal from the one

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 14, 2016

The Unbearable Shank

How soon do we see tweets about deferring the coin flip and double scores? Stay tuned for a decade-old hot take!

Discounting A Certain Game

Shank ignores tonight's Seahawks / Patriots game to hype...

Best NFL game of year unfolding now. Dallas at Pittsburgh

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 14, 2016

It is turning out to be a good game, but Shank continues his passive / aggressive approach as far as the Patriots are concerned.

Trump's First Appointment

Regardless of your political leanings, you have to admit this would be pretty damn funny and entertaining, and Shank would throw a fit:

A Message To My Buddy Bruce

Since I seem to have technical difficulties posting comments on Blogger, I'll leave a brief message here.

Bruce - did you need to see the grief counselors on Wednesday after Hillary! got her corrupt ass handed to her? Not even the corrupt, no credibility Boston Globe, which you were a part of for decades, stacking the deck in Hillary's favor was not enough to drag her over the line.

Have a nice day - don't cry too much, okay?

Your pal,

Roger

Douchebag Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Shank, being presumptuous:

Busy February. Feb 5 super bowl. Feb 6 Truck Day. Feb 7 patriots parade

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 11, 2016

We all know why he's doing this by now - setting up the Patriots with the highest of expectations so he can a) stay on the bandwagon and pretend he's a fanboy or b) write a hundred columns about their demise should the Patriots win anything less then the Lombardi Trophy.

Pete Carroll - Hall Of Fame Coach?

Well - sort of:

There should be a statue of Pete Carroll at Patriot Place. He should have a place in the Patriots Hall of Fame alongside Tedy Bruschi, Willie McGinest, and Troy Brown. Pete is on a short list of folks who can claim responsibility for the Patriots winning a Super Bowl.

Pete did not do this by conventional means. He did not coach the Patriots to a championship. He did not design a defensive scheme that enabled them to beat the Rams, Panthers, or Eagles.

Like most of Shank's columns, this one has a negative angle:

No. Pete delivered a Super Bowl to New England with the worst in-game coaching decision in the history of sports. Worse than Fourth and 2. Worse than Grady sticking with Pedro. Worse than Johnny Mac leaving Bill Buckner on the field in ’86. Worse than Joe McCarthy starting Denny Galehouse in the one-game playoff in ’48.

Less than two years ago, when good fortune (and some great plays) were about to hand Pete Carroll a victory in Super Bowl XLIX in Glendale, Ariz., Pete said “no thanks” and handed the Lombardi Trophy to the New England Patriots.

And like most of his columns that discuss local championships, they must be discounted:

Sorry, fanboys. I know you hate hearing this. I know the brilliant, ever-prepared Patriots practiced their big defensive stop two days before the game. I know cornerback Malcolm Butler made a sensational play, picking off Russell Wilson’s slant pass. I know that Bill Belichick and Ernie Adams masterfully maneuvered the clock and suckered Pete into putting the wrong package on the field. I know there are no sure things in sports and that Marshawn Lynch was sometimes stopped on 1-yard runs in 2014.

But we all know that the Seahawks would have won Super Bowl XLIX if Pete had not panicked, let the defense dictate his offense, and called a high-risk slant pass into traffic instead of going Beast Mode for at least one or two carries into the end zone.

Left unmentioned, naturally, is luck that runs the other way, like the David Tyree helmet catch.

DHL Dan - LXIII / Double Standards Dan

Shank's at it again, attempting to create controversy where none exists:

Here’s some picked-up pieces of our broken luck after the 2016 baseball and election seasons . . .

■ The Patriots win too much. They get caught cheating. And just when you think they can’t offend any more of Football America, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady get used as endorsement props by the most polarizing American political figure of the last 60 years. On the eve of the presidential election.

So, Hilary's not a polarizing figure? Good to know!

And remember - it's perfectly fine for the wife of a Boston Globe columnist to write a check to a political candidate from a joint checking account, because that's different!

Every vote is sacred and a private matter if that’s what the voter chooses. We applaud athletes who take stands on issues or candidates. LeBron James knew exactly what he was doing when he went on stage with Hillary Clinton in Cleveland Sunday.

When a sports figure lends the currency of his fame to support a candidate, he’d better be prepared to hear questions about his position and brace for some blowback from an emotional voting population.

In this spirit, Belichick and Brady have invited the dreaded media to ask questions about their support for Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election. If we can believe Trump, Brady called the candidate Monday, told him he voted for him, then told Trump it was OK to announce his support in New Hampshire.

Ditto for Belichick. According to Trump, the coach wrote the candidate a fawning letter, then amended that missive and gave Trump permission to read it to the world on election eve.

This disqualifies Brady and Belichick from expressing surprise or disdain when they get asked about it in Foxborough Wednesday. They can dismiss it with “we’re on to Seattle” if they want, but the quarterback and coach invited this.

Good for them for taking a public position. Time now to stand by their man or explain that the candidate did not have their permission to share details of their support. It’s one or the other. The “crooked” media did not start this fire. Bill and Tom did.

Do I detect a double standard here? Lebron supports Hillary - all well & fine. Belichick & Brady support Donald Trump - I WANT ANSWERS!

■ Curt Schilling’s latest controversial tweet (since deleted) advocated the lynching of journalists as “awesome.” Schill said it was sarcasm. Hard to imagine how this guy keeps losing jobs.

Question for the Sanctimonious Shank - is it okay for a reporter to call for the death of a presidential candidate? Was that sarcasm? The guy rightly got shitcanned a few days later (possibly to be picked by the Globe after the heat dies down), but I don't recall Shank weighing in on that infraction. I wonder if he'd like to do so now?

The rest of the 'column' is the usual mishmash of trivia and arcana as he waits for his next victim - read at your peril.

DHL Dan - LXII

On the bye week, Shank continues his jihad on the New England Patriots, while pretending to be on their bandwagon:

The Patriots did not play a football game Sunday. It was New England’s bye week. In the fall of 2016, every week is a bye week for the Patriots. The games are pretty much all the same and the outcome is never in doubt.

Here’s what you would be reading today if the Patriots had played a game on Sunday:

“The Patriots beat the Gotham Tomato Cans, 45-7, Sunday on a sun-splashed autumn afternoon at Gillette Stadium.” New England effectively locked up the AFC East for the 13th time in the last 14 years.

Every Shank cliché is there, which makes it unreadable, except for this masochist.

You're Only Encouraging Him

Please, make it stop!

@Dan_Shaughnessy Pats Schedule pic.twitter.com/W4ox0zPuYs

— Brian Manning (@Boxdonkey17) November 6, 2016

There are eight games left in the Patriots schedule, and I can see three games that aren't tomato can games - the Ravens, while not playing great this year, are currently beating the Steelers 10 - 0 (even Shank has admitted in the past that they're not scared of the Patriots) and we have road games at Denver (how'd that last trip to Denver work out?) and at Miami (how'd that last trip to Miami work out?). I don't mind attempts at humor as much as I mind people spreading bullshit like this.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XLIV

The New York Times, former parent company of the Boston Globe made a profit last quarter - a very small profit:

The New York Times Co reported a 95.7 fall in quarterly profit, hit by restructuring charges related to headcount reductions.

Net profit attributable to the newspaper publisher fell to $406,000, or break-even per share, in the third quarter, from $9.4 million, or 6 cents per share, a year earlier.

Revenue fell to $363.6 million from $367.4 million.

The company, struggling to transition to digital, said online ad revenues grew 21.5 percent and now account for more than 35 percent of its advertising receipts.

Question for Bruce Mo** - is this how you become a nonprofit, or do you still have to ask the IRS?

Curses! Another Blown Lede

No one loves a good curse more than The CHB. So it stands to reason that today's excrement exercise is one big kiss off to 108 years of Cubs failure

In true Shank fashion, he tries to make poetry out of prose -- "They blew a lead of 6-3 with two out and nobody aboard in the eighth inning. Manager Joe Maddon was being measured for a Grady Little cap. [T]he Cubs ... won it when lefty Mike Montgomery retired Michael Martinez on a grounder to Kris Bryant with the tying run aboard at 12:47 a.m. You could hear Harry Caray hollering'Cubs win' and 'Holy cow' in hardball heaven." -- and in the process completely misses the actual drama of the game. No surprise there.

Even less surprising to those of us who have tortured ourselves to bring you this column for going on 10 years, is his attempt to stick it to the Red Sox in the process. Indeed, this was one of the classic World Series, and Shank spends most of it writing about the Red Sox.

Let's start with Theo Epstein, who has now "has punched his ticket to Cooperstown as the man who killed two curses."

Since The CHB doesn't seem to remember what he previously wrote about Theo, I'll remind him: 

• "Epstein is a student of the game, but it's a mistake to say he knows more about baseball than [Larry] Lucchino or anyone else." 
• "It was charged [in 2005] that Sox management conducted a ''smear campaign" against Epstein. How? Where's the campaign?"   
• "Epstein made a ton of bad moves in the later years of his tenure, then went to Chicago for a $19 million contract and watched from afar as the Sox decomposed. ... Mistakes were made. Money was spent badly. The Sox lost their way and tried to throw money at their problems." 

There's Jon Lester, "who was famously lowballed, then traded, by the smarter-than-everybody Sox in 2014, did what he proved he could do in Boston: he came up big in the big moment. Lester was called upon to pitch in relief and stuffed the Indians for three innings." Well, not exactly. Lester allowed two runs in three innings work, and it was his wild pitch that cut the Cubs lead to 2 in the bottom of the fifth, giving Cleveland hope they could come back.

There's John Lackey, who gave up 3 runs in 5 innings in a Cubs loss Game 5.

There's Terry Francona who "[had] a commanding World Series lead, only to see it implode over the final three games."

Imagine what Shank would have said if this had happened while Francona was managing the Red Sox. Oh wait, it did:

The greatest choke in baseball history ended the only way it could have ended, with the Red Sox gagging on the Camden Yards lawn one last time. ... Say goodbye to Terry Francona. In the midnight confessions, Francona spoke of “the mess we got ourselves in,’’ then said, “We needed to take care of business and we didn’t.’’ 

In historic fashion.

Wouldn't losing a 3 games to 1 lead in the World Series, dropping the final two on your home field, be even worse?

Yes it would. I can think of only one thing worse: Shank's column.

The Big Lie Continues

The spirit of Joseph Goebbels continues, as the jackasses at ESPN continue to spread the lie that Shank is somehow in the Baseball Hall of Fame:

Greatest question from HOFer @Dan_Shaughnessy to future HOFer Terry Francona: ”Would you call this a must-win game?" #WorldSeries pic.twitter.com/mh5eBTKOgC

— Marly Rivera (@MarlyRiveraESPN) November 2, 2016

By this 'standard', I won one Tour de France, maybe two...

Tweet Of The Day

Presented without comment, as if it's necessary.

@Dan_Shaughnessy is it hard for you to go out at night with all these clown sightings?

— Christopher Smith (@smithtmj) November 2, 2016

Shank on Jamie Collins

Shank's been unusually busy this past week. He's banged out ten World Series columns and now does one on recently departed New England Patriots linebacker Jamie Collins.

I'll just sample the tail end of the column, where, try as Shank does to get Jamie to badmouth the Patriots, Jamie doesn't bite and instead lays down a subtle yet awesome countermeasure on Shank:

How did you find out about the trade?

“I got a call.’’

Who called you? A Patriot person?

“I don’t want to get into that. I’m here now.’’

Did Bill talk to you?

“I talked to him.’’’

How’d that go?

“It was OK. It’s business. This is a business league. [Expletive] happens . . . I leave with good terms with anybody.’’

Do you think they’re going to go on and win the Super Bowl?

“I don’t know and I don’t care. I don’t play for New England. I’m over here. All I care about is the Cleveland Browns.”

How do you look back at your New England experience?

“It was fun while it lasted. This is a new chapter in my life and I’m ready to approach it.’’

Any hard feelings toward the Patriots?

“No. It’s a business. At the end of the day I’m still getting money, man. I’m still getting money, I’m still moving on and I’m still here playing. I’m not the one that’s watching the game. I’m playing the game.’’

Are you hurt by this?

“No. I’ve been through a lot so this ain’t nothing. I’m good. I’m on to Cleveland.’’

How do you like them apples, Shank?

DHL Dan - LXI

It's that rare feat where Shank can write two separate columns about Game 6 and not say a single interesting thing.

Something Shank Can Relate To

We know Shank's heard this a shitload of times as well:

Tito on mananging in Philly and Boston: "There were a lot of times I thought my name was "You suck" because that's all I ever heard''

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 1, 2016

As expected, feedback was positive and constructive:

@Dan_Shaughnessy You and Tito share something in common!

— Mash (@DirtDogs643) November 1, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy How many times is he going to say that?

— Michael Farrell (@farrell205) November 1, 2016

Do you think Shank's angling to write a follow-up book to "Francona - The Red Sox Years"? The vibe is unmistakable.

DHL Dan - LX

By now, you have read seven columns by Shank on this year's World Series. Number eight reads like a mashup of the previous seven:

CLEVELAND — Baseball connects people, moments, and generations. Fathers and daughters. Mothers and sons. If you are a true seamhead, baseball events parallel your own experiences, creating a timeline of your life. This is what’s happening as the Cleveland Indians and Chicago Cubs play out this 2016 World Series. The Tribe lead the Cubs, three games to two.

There is great anticipation over what might transpire in both cities over the next two days. As the Series resumes with Game 6 at Progressive Field Tuesday, folks in Cleveland are bracing for the possibility they’ll be celebrating the city’s first baseball championship since 1948. Meanwhile, back in Chicago, the long-suffering legions of Wrigleyville want to extend the Series to a seventh game and see the Cubs win their first championship since 1908.

And then we get this gem:

It’s going to be history for one city and more heartbreak for the other.

This clown makes near six figures a year and we get this kind of pedestrian 'analysis' and opinion, and the rest of the column is more or less about... Dan Shaughnessy. Just flush this one down the toilet.

The Obligatory Jon Lester Column

Who knew Shank was capable of two columns in a day outside of spring training?

But Lester and the Cubs had other plans. After two quiet nights in Wrigleyville, the Cubs finally strung together a few hits and Lester and the Chicago bullpen did the rest.

It had to be strange for Francona to watch Lester start Game 5.

Their relationship was special when they were together in the Red Sox organization. Francona paid extra attention to Lester the rookie, and when the kid was diagnosed with anaplastic large cell lymphoma, the manager took Lester’s worried parents aside and said, “We will take care of your son.’’