A Tale Of Two Tweets

Knowing that he can't continue to recycle columns, lest it become painfully obvious, Shank resorts to posting tweets during the early part of the Falcons / Patriots game last night:

Whoa. Dan Quinn trying to win this time. He's making the Pats do what they don't want to do. Elected to kick off.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 23, 2017

Quinn getting pantsedagain.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 23, 2017

Either the score became 21-0 within minutes of the opening kickoff or Shank's trying to have it both ways, again.

Low Hanging Fruit

It didn't take much imagination or effort to write this column - just ape the two you wrote after the last Super Bowl.

The Atlanta Falcons play the Super Bowl champion New England Patriots Sunday night at Gillette Stadium.

We do not take the Falcons seriously. We pity them. We feel sorry for them. They are scarred and their city is scarred and they will never recover from what the Patriots did to them — and what they did to themselves — in Super Bowl LI in Houston 8½ months ago.

The Falcons met the fate that has awaited so many other Patriot opponents. They were pantsed. They were embarrassed in front of the world. They had a younger, faster team. They dominated the Patriots. They put themselves in position to win their first Super Bowl.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XLIX

The Globe jumped the gun on last night's game for their early edition newspaper. Whoops!

Boston Globe early edition results in a Dewey-defeats-Truman moment https://t.co/G27p4S3yLf

— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) February 6, 2017

Shank's Post Super Bowl Column - I

I guarantee you that a much different Shaughnessy column was being written at halftime, ready to take the world's biggest shit on the Patriots organization. Instead, we get this column, after an epic Patriots comeback.

HOUSTON — It will take weeks, months, maybe years to fully absorb this one, but given all the layers of drama, emotion, and improbability, the Patriots’ 34-28 overtime victory over the Atlanta Falcons Sunday night might very well be the greatest moment in Boston sports history.

And that, folks, is saying something.

Super Bowl LI at massive NRG Stadium was supposed to be all about revenge and a Roger Goodell trophy moment, but it wound up being the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history and a victory against which all others — in every sport — will forever be measured.

A boring column, actually - most of it is the standard game recap. That's what happens when you're forced to scrap the one you were writing at halftime.

The Obligatory Super Bowl Day Column

Here it is, folks:

HOUSTON — Tonight the Patriots settle all family business.

This certainly is New England’s game plan as the Patriots take on the Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl LI at NRG Stadium.

Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Bob Kraft have been to six previous Super Bowls, but have never carried this much history or emotion into the ultimate game — not even when they tried to complete a perfect season against the New York Giants in February 2008.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Shank just updated this column from a few weeks ago.

Programming note - No game updates to cover Shank's stupid coin toss tweets, etc., as I'm at a buddy's house watching the game. Go Patriots!

Old Dog, Old Tricks

Despite the Patriots being a mere three point favorite and the line not moving at all for the past two weeks, Shank has to belittle the Atlanta Falcons one more time:

Pats getting ready for Falcons pic.twitter.com/tY8QerIJVR

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 4, 2017

Reaction is pretty much what you'd expect:

@Dan_Shaughnessy hahhahaha. Another tomato can reference from shank. 6 months later this is still fresh take. #lazy

— JC (@Nofivhole) February 4, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy @scottzolak who would you have the Patriots play in a 16 game season that would constitute a "nontomato can team"

— Nick Caggiano(@n_caggiano) February 4, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy @scottzolak not YOUR textbook definition of a tomatcan. Try not being lazy and say something different.#attentionwhore

— Patrick Fall (@fallbawls) February 4, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy pic.twitter.com/nHJSCSdJEd

— Jon (@CPJonGoSox) February 4, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy how original of you, Dan - work on some new material

— Jason Shanahan (@Shanny1976) February 4, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy Like your cut and paste articles Barnicle, I mean Dan.

— mikeyface(@umbraman) February 4, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy you already drunk Dan?

3-2 kid assaulted any police officers this week or nah?

— Banana-Town #1 Mafia (@CarpoolJorts) February 4, 2017

Trolling Effort Noticed - II

A few days ago, Atlanta sports blog 'Blogging Dirty' picked up on Shank's Falcons troll from last week:

We expected the Atlanta Falcons to get little respect from the New England media, but the Boston Globe just insulted the entire city of Atlanta.

The Atlanta Falcons are receiving very little credit from the New England media. This surprises no one within Falcons Nation as we’re aware the team was completely overlooked for all of 2016. We expected overconfidence from those within Patriots territory, but what the Boston Globe published on Monday crossed the line.

What I’m talking about is Dan Shaughnessy’s recent piece of work titled: “It’s hard to get pumped up about a Super Bowl against Atlanta”.

Here's where they (actually, author John Follett) cut loose on Shank:

Shaughnessy Doesn’t Know Football, Much Less the Falcons

Dan Shaughnessy hasn’t paid attention to a single down of Atlanta Falcons’ football this season. He has no idea the offensive weapons the Falcons have, nor a clue how the Patriots can match up against each. Shaughnessy is also oblivious to the Atlanta defense’s road to Super Bowl 51 that included knocking Drew Brees, Russell Wilson, and Aaron Rodgers out of their respective comfort zones.

Not a single ounce of actual football analysis was published by Shaughnessy on Monday. As far as he’s concerned, the Patriots will win Super Bowl 51 simply because the city of Boston has been a winner. It’s not shocking as Shaughnessy knows very little about the game. This much is obvious considering he took a Super Bowl headline and attempted to support it with a lot of basketball talk.

Shaughnessy’s article turns into a nice little history about the rich and prosperous Boston sports scene that predates Larry Bird. He dared to compare the Boston sports market to that of Atlanta, but not without insulting the city of Atlanta in the process.

Congratulations, Atlanta - you got Shanked!

Trolling Effort Noticed

This was from a few days ago:

The New England Patriots must overcome the Atlanta Falcons in order to capture the franchise’s fifth Super Bowl title since 2001. Boston Globe scribe Dan Shaughnessy is unhappy with this situation because, to paraphrase, Atlanta is not a worthy adversary but instead a pitiful sports city unable to conjure up the slightest bit of hate in New England.
...
Now, let’s give Shaughnessy some credit where it’s due. All of the potential matchups would have been more interesting to the casual observer. Dallas, New York and Green Bay are NFL bluebloods. Seattle is flirting with a dynasty. But, let’s also admit what’s painfully obvious.

Check out the rest of the column, for it is good.

Troll Wars - Shank Wins Round 1

John Fricke at CBS Atlanta responds to Shank's trolling efforts; the two morning jerkoffs at The Sports Hub call it "the hammiest response to team-ribbing I've ever read." Show some balls and say it sucks and it's weak.

SIDE NOTE - There a lot of script-heavy, slow as molasses websites out there, and CBS sites are among the worst, as they share the same slow platform across all of their local outlets (Pittsburgh, Boston, Atlanta), even on a machine like I'm running (AMD FX-8350 8 core processor running at 4 GHz, 32 GB DDR3 1200 memory, SATA III solid state drive) and I still can't copy and paste any text after waiting 10 minutes and a few page refreshes to show you the lameness involved in John's 'response'. So, we have a shit response to a shit writer on a shit Web platform. Guess I'm done for now.

Shank's General Sherman Imitation - II

Despite the Patriots bring a mere three point favorite for Super Bowl 51, Shank lays out a classic passive-aggressive column designed to piss off a major metropolitan area of the United States, pretending it's not going to be a competitive game.

We do not hate Atlanta nor its sports fans. We can’t even summon the old “Casablanca” line when Rick Blaine tells a petty thief, “If I gave you any thought I probably would [despise you].”

Now that the formalities have been skipped...

No. It’s not that. When it comes to Atlanta and its sports fans, we feel nothing. Maybe a little pity.

The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl in Houston Feb. 5, and they are going to play the Atlanta Falcons, and that takes a little fun out of the experience. It’s thrilling to see the Patriots get a chance to carry out their frontier justice on Roger Goodell. It will be sweet if Bill Belichick becomes the first coach to win five Super Bowls and Tom Brady ends the debate once and for all by surpassing Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana with five Super Bowl rings.

But Atlanta? Seriously? This will be like the Larry Bird Celtics winning two of their championships by beating the Houston Rockets instead of the Lakers. It’ll be like the Bruins beating the expansion St. Louis Blues to win the Stanley Cup. It’ll be like the Red Sox beating the Colorado Rockies to win the World Series.

Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan, from Boston College, is on fire this year and at this point he's playing as well as Tom Brady, if not better. Atlanta's running backs are lethal and their defense doesn't look too bad either. Shank is a moron for dismissing this team.

Oh - and to all you Falcons fans who might be reading this column? This is Shank's M.O., so please don't fall for it.

Shank's General Sherman Imitation - I

Oh, boy - Shank's trolling real early this time around:

It’s hard to get pumped up about a Super Bowl against . . . Atlanta https://t.co/wywrrnZB6v via @BostonGlobe

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 23, 2017

Atlanta readers are all over Shank, and they are brutal:

@Dan_Shaughnessy @BostonGlobe Atlanta used to have slaves and yet Boston is still a more racist city. So there, you win that title too.

— Jeremy Taylor (@TaylorMadeGa) January 23, 2017

@TaylorMadeGa @Dan_Shaughnessy @BostonGlobe He also wins the "myhairdo looks like pubic hair" title.

— Brandon (@subsailor773) January 23, 2017

Sorry, Mark Whalberg!

@Dan_Shaughnessy boston's chief cultural export: a former white rapper with a history of racial violence that smokes weed with a cgibear

— Keith Limepie(@Air_Max) January 23, 2017

@Air_Max @Dan_Shaughnessy Don't forget a mobster POS that a local FBI agent was so in love with that he let him get away w/murder for years.

— MORTAL COYLE (@juan_samuel) January 23, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy @BostonGlobe

You're correct. The Falcons aren't the Packers or Cowboys. They are better. Go check the scores.

— Jan Sauls(@jcsauls2) January 23, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy @BostonGlobe so, you're not a sports fan? Odd that you would choose this line of work.

— Kevin Eckleberry(@lagrangesports) January 23, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy @BostonGlobe Dear Atlanta - Shank does NOT speak for Boston. He's just a troll.

— DC (@dwcowell) January 23, 2017

I'll leave it right there because there are too many, although further down you might like the Napoleon Dynamite reference or two. I know I did!