What Do You Mean 'We', Kemosabe?

There's that, and then there's the false notion that Shank's been in the Red Sox's corner the whole season:

A couple of hours ago, when the Red Sox scored 6 in the bottom of the first to tie the game, John Smoltz got sucked in and did what we've all done this year: He said "this could be the moment that turns their season around''

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 29, 2019

Slowly Aged, Like A Fine Whine

It took Shank nearly two months to lay into (soon to be former) Celtic Kyrie Irving?

Back in April, Boston.com conducted a poll to determine the greatest sports villain in our town. Sixty-four nominees were offered in NCAA Tournament bracket fashion. More than 130,000 votes were cast and the winner/loser was NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. The Ginger Hammer won by more than 1,000 votes in each of six rounds, easily beating Alex Rodriguez in the final.

I demand a new vote.

I believe that at this hour, Kyrie Irving would be a runaway winner, defeating even the man who was so mean to those cheatin’ Patriots.

This is rich, coming from the most hated man in Boston sports media, isn't it?

The Long (And Whining) Road

"Good thing there is always a losing team. If there wasn't, Dan would have nothing to write about."

No truer statement has ever been written about the Boston Globe's longest serving columnist:

After a tough loss, Red Sox have a long road ahead

The phony “surging” Red Sox blew another save Wednesday and lost to the White Sox, 8-7, despite Chicago making every effort to give the game to Boston.

The indomitable Chris Sale (10 more strikeouts — whee!) gave up five earned runs and has now won three of his last 21 starts, but probably will be featured as the red-hot guy in the NESN “Hot Zone” when he returns to Fenway Park in a couple of weeks, trying to win his first game at home in more than a year.

'Whee!'? Seriously?

The Sox trail the Yankees by nine games in the American League East and reigning MVP Mookie Betts, who evidently has no interest in staying in Boston, is on a pace to finish the season hitting .265 with 26 homers and 72 RBIs.

But enough of this reality. The star-powered Sox are an unparalleled commercial entity and are set to take their show on the road to London for a couple of days. They are off to Great Britain, where they will play two games against the Yankees in a land where no one knows anything about baseball.

Shank Sees The Dark Cloud With The Silver Lining

After a 6-3 win over the Chicago White Sox last night at Fenway Park, Shank 'helpfully' points a few things out:

NESN really thinks you are stupid. Now using JBJ was the "hot" hitter in the Heat Zone -- while mocking some struggling everyman on the White Sox. Fact is, JBJ could have been the "cold" guy in every MLB market for the last three months while he was hitting .150. #bebetter

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 25, 2019

White Sox. Two balls in play. Two mistakes. This helps “surging” Red Sox

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 25, 2019

Xander Bogaerts should demand to be charged with an error on that ball.
Seriously. What does it take to get charged with an error in 2019? Everything is a hit.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 26, 2019

DHL Dan LXXXIV - The Nonbeliever

In his first Picked-Up Pieces column in over six weeks, Shank (and everyone else in the greater Boston area) isn't buying what the authorities in the Dominican Republic are selling:

Picked-up pieces while hearing the sounds of lie detectors exploding from Santo Domingo to Boston . . .

■ While we continue to wish David Ortiz the best as he recovers from being shot almost two weeks ago, the explanation we were given by authorities in the Dominican Republic Wednesday is simply not believable. Seriously.

Mistaken identity? Do the Dominican authorities think we are all stupid? Would Elvis Presley have been mistaken for anyone else if he sat at a cafe in Memphis in the 1960s? Tom Brady on Newbury Street in Boston in 2019?

Many had much to lose if uncomfortable truths were unearthed in this case. So 10 days after the crime, we got this whopper of whoppers. The authorities cracked the case. Wrong guy.

He goes on from there to bitch and moan about the Celtics, NESN, the Bruins and we hear about a few bands from the 1960's. In other words, it's your typical and predictable Shank column.

Oh - and there's this:

■ Wonder if I can be like Brady and patent “Curly-Haired Boyfriend” and “Shank” so that no one else gets it first.

You get right on it, Shank!

Shank The Scold

A full four days after a number of folks got their panties in a bunch over the US Women's National (Soccer) Team (USWNT) 13-0 drubbing of Thailand, Shank mounts his high horse Shetland pony and weighs in:

US women’s soccer team running up the score on Thailand was a bad look

My fellow Americans will take to the pitch again Sunday in France, resuming their quest to advance in the Women’s World Cup with a match against woeful Chile.

I have no doubt that victory will be ours. I’m just hoping to see a better demonstration of fair play and sportsmanship.

In case you missed it, on Tuesday the Americans beat Thailand, 13-0, in their opening Cup match. Our players never let up and celebrated every goal with exuberance you’d expect to see if somebody hit a walkoff grand slam in the seventh game of the World Series.

In the aftermath of our World Cup slaughter and the odious, self-congratulations that accompanied each goal (even the ones after we reached double figures), some criticism was aimed at the American squad. This triggered the standard angry defenses from the Colosseum crowd.

I watched the entire match. I do not share that opinion, because nearly all of the goal celebrations went like this - one of the USWNT scored a goal, there was some jumping around, followed by a group hug, then they went back to the center circle. Their objection seems to be that it was done thirteen times.

It goes on from there, but let me state this - Thailand was badly outclassed in every metric - height, size, speed and skill. My prediction before the game was 7-0 but once the 2nd half began the level of physical conditioning between the two teams became eyepopping as well, so the ass kicking wasn't a surprise at all. Furthermore, this is probably the best USWNT side to ever take the pitch, so again, this result isn't surprising, at least to someone who actually watched the whole match.

Conveniently omitted from all this, of course, was this touch of class by USWNT striker Carli Lloyd, but that doesn't fit Shank's agenda, does it?

And all of this, from a columnist who also complains when Tom Brady is still in the game when the Patriots are 'running up the score'. Jagoff.

Shank's Stanley Cup Wrapup

It's pretty much what you'd expect:

Feels like a lost opportunity as Bruins fall in Game 7

No one around here was ready for this.

A Boston team losing a championship game? Impossible.

But it happened. The Bruins were spanked, 4-1, on Garden ice in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final Wednesday. The St. Louis Blues won the first championship in their 52-year history. A Boston hockey season that started in September in Beijing ended in abject disappointment nine days before the start of summer. It was a stunning defeat in an era when we have become accustomed to only good things happening to Boston teams. And it feels like a lost opportunity.

Rehash Radio Ad Infinitum

Just confirming the obvious:

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Game 7, Game 7, Game 7. Plenty of Big Papi talk. Dan's Dates at 12:50.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 11, 2019

Remember this column from Monday? That's what you and I heard during the first segment of Shank's appearance this morning. And if you didn't hear it, you're better off for it.

Back On The Bruins Bandwagon

The Bruins won Game 6 of the 2019 Stanley Cup finals, 5-1 over the St. Louis Blues. Here's an outline of the Bruins discussion Shank will regurgitate on the radio tomorrow morning:

ST. LOUIS — Folks here were ready to knock down the Gateway Arch and party like it was 1999 — back in the days when they had a team that went on to win the town’s only Super Bowl.

The city that gave the world Stanley Musial was going to win its first Stanley Cup, and as many as 40,000 ticketless fans gathered outside the arena in anticipation of victory. The Cup was in the house, and the Blues were ready to claim it for the first time in their 52-year history.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch didn’t even bother to wait. Sunday’s e-edition of the local journal delivered several messages of congratulations many hours before the start of Game 6. The premature puck elation included a letter from Blues chairman Tom Stillman, thanking fans for a “dream come true” and referencing how excited he was about the upcoming parade on Market Street.

You know the drill by now - standard (if brief) game recap, historical Game 7 numbers, etc.

Bruins Loss = Shank Hockey Column

Like the sun rising and setting...

The script was perfect. Local star leader plays with injury, endures unspeakable pain, yet paces his team to victory.

There was that night in the Bronx when Curt Schilling bled into his sock because of a surgically repaired tendon and beat the Yankees in the American League Championship Series. And then there was that time Larry Bird slammed his head on the parquet floor of the Old Garden, went to the locker room, and returned to torch the Indiana Pacers in a playoff game. Oh, and let’s not forget Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe beating the Dolphins despite playing with a metal pin sticking out of the index finger of his throwing hand.

Not Thursday night in the Stanley Cup Final. With 42-year-old captain Zdeno Chara playing with what might be a broken jaw, the Bruins lost the crucial fifth game, 2-1, at the heavy hands of the St. Louis Blues. Boston trails in the series, 3-2, and plays Game 6 Sunday night in St. Louis.

Stanley Cup - Game 4 Recap

After the St. Louis Blues won Game 4 last night, 4-2, Shank writes a cliché-ridden, paint-by-numbers recap thereof:

ST. LOUIS — It felt a little too easy over the weekend. After the Bruins skunked the St. Louis Blues, 7-2, Saturday, some folks back in Boston started making parade plans. With another win in Game 4, the Bruins would have a chance to win the Stanley Cup on Garden ice Thursday night.

Not anymore.

The Obligatory Harry Sinden Column

Using a lesser employed column template, Shank goes back a few years and lets us know the old Boston Bruins hand is still around.

ST. LOUIS — He is the Bear in Winter. Still watching. Still working. Still bleeding Black and Gold.

Harry Sinden will be 87 in a few months and still reports to the Garden regularly, bouncing thoughts and ideas off Bruins president Cam Neely and general manager Don Sweeney.

“My official title is ‘Senior Adviser to the Owner,’ ’’ says Sinden when reached by phone. “But actually the only word that really applies in that title is the first one.

When you don't know jack shit about the series or even care about it, this is the result. This is not a knock on Harry Sinden, who was influential and successful, but it's such an obviously lazy and borrowed theme from Shank, and the column's saving grace is letting Sinden do all the talking.

Shocked

Wow - Shank bangs out his second column in a day and does a column after a Bruins win? What's this world coming to?

ST. LOUIS — The locals waited 49 years for this? Almost 18,000 days? That’s a lot of Mississippi River icewater under the Eads Bridge.

Your Bruins skated into Enterprise Center Saturday night and cut the hearts out of the St. Louis Blues and their fans. Wobbling after a 3-2 loss at home, playing without Charlestown’s Matt Grzelcyk, who was concussed by a dirty hit in Game 2, the Bruins punched back with a dominating, 7-2 win in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Final.

Speed and skill beats size and stupidity every time and the Bruins took it to the Blues in every way.

What's not shocking - his frontrunning / hijacking of the local bandwagon yet again.

A History Lesson

Longtime readers of Shank should be familiar with this type of column template by now.

Boston and St. Louis have a long sports history
...
The Boston-St. Louis pro sports rivalry started in 1946 when the Cardinals beat the Red Sox at Sportsman’s Park in Game 7 of the World Series. That was the game in which Johnny Pesky allegedly held the ball too long on a relay from the outfield as Enos Slaughter rounded third base and scored the winning run. Ted Williams, who batted only .200 in the Series, cried on the 24-hour train ride home to the Hub. Legend holds that Teddy Ballgame was out of sorts because he hurt his elbow when he was hit by a pitch in a meaningless exhibition staged to keep the Sox sharp before the start of the Series (sound familiar, Brad Marchand fans?)

The Cardinals beat the Red Sox in a World Series Game 7 at Fenway in 1967, but Boston got its baseball revenge in 2004 and again in 2013.

Columns largely built on a recital of sports events between two cities has long been a staple of Shank's, as it requires little heavy lifting.

The Chris Sale Conundrum

What would life be like without Shank shitting on one of the Red Sox pitchers?

Chris sale with THREE MORE STRIKEOUTS in the third. Oh, and he also gave up four hits, three runs and the lead.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 1, 2019

Update: this is now one win in 16 starts. https://t.co/i6vnTbMBkk

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 1, 2019

Thanks for the update, Shank!