Another International Man Of Mystery

While we await the proforma Shank column comparing Tom Brady to his Los Angeles Rams counterpart (Jared Goff), we'll have to settle for more fake palace intrigue.

Who is the mysterious Berj Najarian, Bill Belichick’s right-hand man?

ATLANTA — He is Tom Hagen in “The Godfather.’’ He is Doug Stamper on “House of Cards.’’

What's this? A 21^st century pop culture reference? Impressive!

He is Berj Najarian, consigliere to Bill Belichick. He is The Man To See if you want to see Bill.

“You’re never going to get to Bill unless you go through Berj,’’ said Scott Zolak, a Patriot insider for three decades. “Berj is the guy who dictates who Bill talks to.’’

“Everybody knows Berj runs the show down there,’’ added Troy Brown, a three-time Super Bowl winner with Belichick. “You had to go to Berj for everything. You’d walk in the front door and the first guy you’d see is Berj. He was in charge the whole time I was there.’’

Najarian is one of the most powerful figures on the Boston sports landscape, yet most fans have never heard of him. There isn’t much to find about him on the Internet. Najarian makes no sound and leaves no footprints.

Is he on loan from the mob? Is he a Russian agent or a contract hitman? Read on to find out!

Enjoying The Bar Scene?

Shank's latest Super Bowl column is a tad innovative:

Atlanta’s hospitality outshines its sports history

Is this a column, in typical Shank fashion, where he manages to piss off a large number of people even if it looks like he's paying them a compliment?

ATLANTA — Is this the next championship dateline of our local sports high renaissance?

The Patriots have won two Super Bowls in Houston. They won one in New Orleans, one in Jacksonville, and one in (gulp) Glendale, Ariz., where they also lost one. The Red Sox in this century have won World Series in St. Louis, Denver, Boston, and Los Angeles. The Celtics won their 17th title on the parquet floorboards of Causeway Street in 2008, while the 2010-11 Bruins had to go all the way to Vancouver to win their first Stanley Cup since 1972.

Now Atlanta. Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Is this the next destination on Boston’s new millennium championship tour?

Short answer - hell, yeah!

Folks here are still a little sensitive about Super Bowl LI, in which the Patriots pantsed the Falcons two years ago. You might remember it as the 28-3 game. In this spirit, it is not polite to wear your 28-3 jersey on your JetBlue flight to Atlanta this week. It’s a little rude. No need to rub it in. Folks here still think Bob Kraft was mean for putting 283 diamonds in the team’s championship rings that year. A bit much, no?

Not at all - let's write a column that fans the flames, like Sherman marching on... Atlanta.

Let The Cliches Fly!

You know the slew of Super Bowl stories would be pretty strained in terms of subject matter and content. I present yet another such column from His Shankness:

Super Bowl coaching matchup is a clash of generations

ATLANTA — Bill Belichick vs. Sean McVay.

It’s the Baby Boomer vs. the Millennial.

It’s your father’s Oldsmobile vs. the Mazda MX-5 Miata

It’s The Old Man And The Seedling. Woodstock meets Coachella. Wayne Newton vs. Wayne’s World.

Welcome to Super Bowl LIII.

Some 'welcome'...

The coach of the Patriots is 66 years old. The coach of the Rams is 33 years old. We could also mention that the quarterback of the Patriots is 17 years older than the quarterback of the Rams, but for today let’s confine the discussion to the two head coaches.

Right - because that'll give him another column for tomorrow or Wednesday using the same column template he's been using for decades now.

You can practically write the rest of the column yourself, knowing how predictable (and thus boring) it is. Whether you want to actually read it is another question.

Living In The Past - A Continuing Series

So you're Shank, and you just landed in Atlanta to ostensibly cover the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LIII. You just have to mention the 2011 Red Sox, don't you?

Just landed in Atlanta and it turns out that there is an airport restaurant dedicated to the 2011 Red Sox pic.twitter.com/gXvqc0yBNv

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 27, 2019

And It Makes Me Wonder

I'll go looking for it later on:

Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) was too gutless to go on Kirk & Callahan for years. I wonder what changed. https://t.co/UiKLShbm8J

— 617 Report (@617Report) January 25, 2019

Tweet Of The Day

The original tweet shows Trollin' Volin on the left hand side of the picture, but you get the point:

pic.twitter.com/l6U07TNLoI

— 617 Report (@617Report) January 25, 2019

No Heavy Lifting Required - III

Shank bangs out a column about the Patriots' first Super Bowl win, against the (same) Rams team that we'll be facing next Sunday.

The first one is always the best one.

On Feb. 3, 2002, the upstart, underdog New England Patriots beat the St. Louis Rams, 20-17, in Super Bowl XXXVI in the Louisiana Superdome.

It was the upset of upsets. And it still resonates 17 years later as the 2018-19 Patriots — owned, coached, and quarterbacked by the same three men who conquered the Rams in 2002 — attempt to win their sixth Super Bowl on the same date against the same opponent next weekend in Atlanta.

It's about what you'd expect - a paint-by-numbers recap of the game and not too much else of interest.

International Man Of Mystery

Someone on Twitter resurfaced this informative column by his Shankness from four years ago, picked up off of Shank's Twitter feed:

The Patriots’ man behind the curtain

Is little-known Bill Belichick confidant Ernie Adams the secret to the Patriots’ success?

By Dan Shaughnessy | Globe Staff

And - he's got a BatPhone!

PHOENIX — You can see the Ernie Hotline in the phone bank near the Patriots bench. Sometimes when Bill Belichick is prowling and scowling on the sideline, you get a glimpse of the wall of black phones behind the coach.

Under an NFL-shielded Microsoft Surface blue awning, in the middle of the row of old-timey wall phones, there is one handset with a strip of red tape affixed to the receiver. Somebody with a black Sharpie has identified the man on the other end of this line.

The five letters run from top to bottom of the handpiece.

E

R

N

I

E

Who is Ernie Adams? What does he do? These are the eternal questions surrounding the Mystery Man of the Patriots.

Again - this is a good / solid column, and showcases what Shank can do when he's not ragging on the local teams and / or searching for that soft spot on your back before he sinks the shiv in.

Whatever, Shank

Reaching into the bottom of the barrel for a silly thing to write about the upcoming Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the Los Angeles Rams, Shank pulls this theme out:

‘Beat LA’ doesn’t work for Patriots-Rams — it’s strictly for Celtics-Lakers

I’m having trouble getting into the “Beat LA” mind-set as we begin the endless preparation for Super Bowl LIII in Atlanta, Feb. 3. Much as I’d like to go all Magic Johnson/Dancing Barry, East Coast vs. West Coast, gritty Boston vs. Showtime LA, it just isn’t working for me.

The Patriots are playing the Los Angeles Rams, but does this feel anything like Celtics-Lakers? Would the prospect of Trey Flowers sacking Jared Goff remind anyone of Kevin McHale’s clothesline takedown of Kurt Rambis?

We tried to push the Boston-LA theme when the Red Sox played the Dodgers in the World Series just three months ago, but it never really took hold. Certainly Sox fans enjoyed booing Manny Machado, but there was no deep-seated Hub hatred at the sight of Dodger blue. There was no Fenway Park vs. Dodger Stadium, no Joe Castiglione vs. Vin Scully, no Yaz vs. Sandy Koufax.

Everybody in Boston loves Dodgers manager Dave Roberts, and we never got caught up in the substance-vs.-style comparisons that marked Celtics-Lakers wars through the decades.

A good column, actually, I just thought the whole thing a bit silly, but that's the nature of a fair amount of Super Bowl stories.

Tweet Of The Day

Kelletman could be the biggest sports media idiot since Shaugnessey started his glorious run.

— Boston Radio Watch® (@bostonradio) January 21, 2019

Dishonest And Misleading Headline

The New England Patriots beat the Kansas City Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium last night, 37-31 in overtime. Naturally Shank has hijacked the bandwagon, but the headline for his latest column is what stuck out for me:

Once dissed and dismissed, the Patriots are back in the Super Bowl

Not included in his column is any mention of one of the local newspaper columnists who repeatedly 'dissed and dismissed' the New England Patriots throughout the regular season.

Douchebag AFC Championship Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Expecting something new?

No double score tonight.
Chiefs win toss, defer. Pats to receive.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 20, 2019

A Decent Column By Shank

How many times do you see that said about one of his pieces?

Remember how Shank, in the runup to a major playoff game for one of the Boston pro sports teams, would make an effort to antagonize both fanbases, whether it's Houston or Atlanta in football, or Cleveland in baseball? This is NOT one of those columns.

No one thinks the Patriots suck, they just want them to lose

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Tom Brady has it all wrong:

It’s not that America thinks the Patriots will lose. It’s that America wants the Patriots to lose.

The AFC Championship game will be played Sunday night at Arrowhead Stadium, hours before a super blood moon lunar eclipse. It will be a celestial event in every way. Planets are aligned and the whole football world will be watching.

When Was That?

When Bob Kraft still liked me https://t.co/x1SA7J7mf5

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 18, 2019

The correct answer being - never!

Dan Shaughnessy Headline Watch

What a difference a month makes - December 16, 2018:

Is this the end for Patriots dynasty?

PITTSBURGH — Have we reached the expiration date on the Patriots dynasty?

We’ve wondered this before.

But not today - January 16, 2019:

Tom Brady and the Patriots as scrappy underdogs? Give me a break

What a bandwagon hijacking fraud - read Shank's latest, if you want tired sports cliches and your intelligence insulted.

Fake News?

What the hell is this?

Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy is the 2018 Massachusetts Sportswriter of the Year https://t.co/6qtH6H6vpM

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) January 15, 2019

Back On The Bandwagon - XIX (At Least)

After spending at least half of the season questioning them in many different ways, he's back on the Patriots bandwagon.

FOXBOROUGH — A million years ago the great Muhammad Ali was involved in a fight vs. Ernie Terrell that reminded me of the Patriots vs. the Chargers Sunday.

The 1967 championship bout is remembered for its dominance and downright cruelty as Ali pummeled Terrell, throwing 737 punches and allowing the challenger to stick around for a 15-round beatdown. Ali, born as Cassius Clay, was angry because Terrell refused to recognize Ali’s Muslim name, and the champ spent 15 rounds hollering, “What’s my name,” as he pounded Terrell into a bloody pulp.

This is what we got Sunday at Gillette as Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the ever-mighty Patriots put a stop to months of noise about Brady falling off a cliff and the final days of a crumbling dynasty with a 41-28 playoff beating of the estimable Los Angeles Chargers. (Pay no attention to that final score. It could have been 59-7.)

How's that for back on the bandwagon?

The only question for the upcoming week - is Shank dumb enough to attempt a troll on Kansas City like he's done to Houston, Cleveland and St. Louis in previous situations? Stay tuned!

Pretty Sure She Has Someone Particular In Mind

They do this all the time freak out how the pats are the lesser team and then we blow doors on them and it’s well we knew the pats would win... so annoying

— Christina Pivirotto(@CPivi910) January 13, 2019

Shank On The LA Chargers - II

Sorry for the late post - I suppose I've been as lazy as responding to this column as Shank was in writing it, because we get a typical Shank walk down memory lane.

Chargers-Patriots.

The first meeting was Oct. 8, 1960, when Dwight Eisenhower was in the White House and future Patriot Larry Eisenhauer was a senior defensive end at Boston College. The Chargers were the Los Angeles Chargers and the Patriots were the Boston Patriots.

Two of the AFL’s original eight teams, the Chargers and Patriots have played one another at Nickerson Field, Balboa Stadium, Fenway Park, Alumni Stadium (Boston College), Harvard Stadium, Schaefer (a.k.a. Foxboro and Sullivan) Stadium, Qualcomm (also Jack Murphy) Stadium, and Gillette Stadium. They have met 38 times in the regular season.

See what I mean?

Shank On The LA Chargers

The columnist who's spent the past five or six years pretending to like the New England Patriots and deriding every other team in the NFL as 'Tomato Cans' now sees a worthy playoff opponent.

This won’t be a typical playoff layup for the Patriots

I am the Tomato Can Whisperer.

I know Tomato Cans. I invented the genre. It’s sort of like creating Facebook or discovering your own solar system.

Just a bit overboard with the self-praise there, Shankaroni...

I identified the fraudulent Texans when they were 11-1 in 2012. I called out the hideousness of the playoff Colts in 2014 and the divisional-round Titans last year. Along with many others, I easily marked the Bills, Jets, and Dolphins of the AFC East (Warhol) Division. Trust me, I know Tomato Cans. I am to Tomato Cans what J. Robert Oppenheimer was to the atomic bomb.

And let me say this to the Los Angeles Chargers: You, sirs, are no Tomato Cans.

If you can stomach more of that bullshit, go right ahead and click that link.

Failing Another Logic Test

'We're' supposed to feel better about the Patriots' chances on Sunday because the better team won?

- Ravens fumbled on three of first eight possessions.
- SD running back Melvin Gordon out with knee injury.
Win-win so far for Patriots. The usual

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 6, 2019

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

An amusing tale of two tweets:

Colts are probably better at this hour, but since best thing for Patriots is Houston winning . . . Houston will win. Pats always get the easiest path.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 5, 2019

Yikes. Texans lose.
No layup in Divisional Round for New England.
If Pats want to get to the AFC Championship Game again, they may have to earn it. What a concept.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 6, 2019

Shameless Shank - always trying to have it both ways. What are the odds of Shank calling the Colts 'frauds' and 'tomato cans' by the time Thursday rolls around?

Shank On The Baseball Hall Of Fame Ballot

Slow news week, Shank?

Hey there, baseball fan. Happy New Year. Now tell me, how are you feeling about a Hall of Fame that includes Harold Baines but not Barry Bonds?

And what’s going to happen three years from now when David Ortiz and Alex Rodriguez appear on their first Hall ballot — in what is likely to be the 10th and final ballot failure for Bonds, Roger Clemens, and probably Curt Schilling?

Wow. Talk about worlds colliding. Just try to imagine Big Papi strolling into Cooperstown in his first year of eligibility while Bonds and Clemens are bounced off the ballot for failing to get the required 75 percent of the vote for 10 consecutive winters.

It could happen.

He doesn't talk about his own ballot for this year, which is a bit disappointing. Maybe he follows up on it later...

Having It Both Ways - II

No comment necessary...

Total fraud. From "Dynasty Dead" to "Guaranteed Super Bowl" in two weeks. After two AFC East wins. pic.twitter.com/vQccTN1Scu

— Bruce Allen (@bruceallen) January 1, 2019