Dull Game, Dull Column

It's nice that the New England Patriots won last night, as it spares us from Shank taking a world-class shit on the team. What we get instead is one of the most predictable and cliche-filled columns in his 'storied' career.

ATLANTA — Take those old records off the shelf. The Patriots on Sunday night joined the Steelers as the winningest team in Super Bowl history, securing their sixth Lombardi Trophy with a 13-3 victory over the Los Angeles Rams at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

This one will not go into the vault as an instant classic. It was a punt-filled rock fight that will best be remembered for New England’s staunch defense and a Rams offense that set records for futility. It was 3-3 after three quarters and the Patriots “broke it open” when Tom Brady came to life and directed a 69-yard touchdown drive to give the Patriots a 10-3 lead with seven minutes left.
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New England fans were the coveted “12th man” in the season finale. Almost 1,100 miles from Foxborough, the Super Bowl turned into a virtual home game for the Sons of Bob Kraft. It was as if the crowd was culled from extras who auditioned for “Mystic River” and “The Departed.’’ It’s safe to assert that more than half the fans at Sunday’s game have eaten at a Wahlburgers at one time or another.
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Poor Goff. Hearing Gladys Knight sing the anthem was too much for the man. LA was too much for the man.

All that, and less, at the link.

Shank's Last Super Bowl LIII Column

Most of us were expecting other column themes from Shank - the paint-by-numbers quarterback comparisons, Shank's attempts at trolling major cities, etc., but we've seen none of that, which is a pleasant surprise.

Super Bowl week has been all about the Patriots

ATLANTA — Another Super Bowl . . . nine in 18 years . . . the Patriot Way is the only way . . . again.

This must be what it feels like to have more money than you can count. You have a garage full of Bentleys, multiple vacation homes around the world, and lose track of where you placed your Rolex watch.

So. Much. Winning.

The Patriots have been to so many of these mega-games that it becomes a little hard to remember specifics. The sites, the big plays, and the ancillary events start to blur. The Patriots have played Atlanta in Houston, and now they are playing Los Angeles in Atlanta. They have played Super Bowls against the New York Giants in two different cities. They played the Rams when the Rams were in St. Louis, and Sunday they are playing the Rams, who now hail from Los Angeles.

The other elements of a typical Shank column are there, of course - fake praise for the New England Patriots, hyperbole, and all that. I'll just note that this column's pretty good, and his other columns (three others) were as well. When compared to other Super Bowl run-ups for the previous two years, less is more.

Oh - one last thing:

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The Patriots are only 2½-point favorites, but it feels like everybody’s picking New England. And all the money is being bet on the Patriots. This does not guarantee victory, of course, but given their experience in the big games (the Patriots have 37 players with Super Bowl experience, the Rams have four) and the momentum from wins over the Chargers and Chiefs, it’s hard to fathom the Patriots losing.

You folks know why that partial sentence is in there, correct?

Another International Man Of Mystery

While we await the proforma Shank column comparing Tom Brady to his Los Angeles Rams counterpart (Jared Goff), we'll have to settle for more fake palace intrigue.

Who is the mysterious Berj Najarian, Bill Belichick’s right-hand man?

ATLANTA — He is Tom Hagen in “The Godfather.’’ He is Doug Stamper on “House of Cards.’’

What's this? A 21^st century pop culture reference? Impressive!

He is Berj Najarian, consigliere to Bill Belichick. He is The Man To See if you want to see Bill.

“You’re never going to get to Bill unless you go through Berj,’’ said Scott Zolak, a Patriot insider for three decades. “Berj is the guy who dictates who Bill talks to.’’

“Everybody knows Berj runs the show down there,’’ added Troy Brown, a three-time Super Bowl winner with Belichick. “You had to go to Berj for everything. You’d walk in the front door and the first guy you’d see is Berj. He was in charge the whole time I was there.’’

Najarian is one of the most powerful figures on the Boston sports landscape, yet most fans have never heard of him. There isn’t much to find about him on the Internet. Najarian makes no sound and leaves no footprints.

Is he on loan from the mob? Is he a Russian agent or a contract hitman? Read on to find out!

Let The Cliches Fly!

You know the slew of Super Bowl stories would be pretty strained in terms of subject matter and content. I present yet another such column from His Shankness:

Super Bowl coaching matchup is a clash of generations

ATLANTA — Bill Belichick vs. Sean McVay.

It’s the Baby Boomer vs. the Millennial.

It’s your father’s Oldsmobile vs. the Mazda MX-5 Miata

It’s The Old Man And The Seedling. Woodstock meets Coachella. Wayne Newton vs. Wayne’s World.

Welcome to Super Bowl LIII.

Some 'welcome'...

The coach of the Patriots is 66 years old. The coach of the Rams is 33 years old. We could also mention that the quarterback of the Patriots is 17 years older than the quarterback of the Rams, but for today let’s confine the discussion to the two head coaches.

Right - because that'll give him another column for tomorrow or Wednesday using the same column template he's been using for decades now.

You can practically write the rest of the column yourself, knowing how predictable (and thus boring) it is. Whether you want to actually read it is another question.

No Heavy Lifting Required - III

Shank bangs out a column about the Patriots' first Super Bowl win, against the (same) Rams team that we'll be facing next Sunday.

The first one is always the best one.

On Feb. 3, 2002, the upstart, underdog New England Patriots beat the St. Louis Rams, 20-17, in Super Bowl XXXVI in the Louisiana Superdome.

It was the upset of upsets. And it still resonates 17 years later as the 2018-19 Patriots — owned, coached, and quarterbacked by the same three men who conquered the Rams in 2002 — attempt to win their sixth Super Bowl on the same date against the same opponent next weekend in Atlanta.

It's about what you'd expect - a paint-by-numbers recap of the game and not too much else of interest.

Whatever, Shank

Reaching into the bottom of the barrel for a silly thing to write about the upcoming Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the Los Angeles Rams, Shank pulls this theme out:

‘Beat LA’ doesn’t work for Patriots-Rams — it’s strictly for Celtics-Lakers

I’m having trouble getting into the “Beat LA” mind-set as we begin the endless preparation for Super Bowl LIII in Atlanta, Feb. 3. Much as I’d like to go all Magic Johnson/Dancing Barry, East Coast vs. West Coast, gritty Boston vs. Showtime LA, it just isn’t working for me.

The Patriots are playing the Los Angeles Rams, but does this feel anything like Celtics-Lakers? Would the prospect of Trey Flowers sacking Jared Goff remind anyone of Kevin McHale’s clothesline takedown of Kurt Rambis?

We tried to push the Boston-LA theme when the Red Sox played the Dodgers in the World Series just three months ago, but it never really took hold. Certainly Sox fans enjoyed booing Manny Machado, but there was no deep-seated Hub hatred at the sight of Dodger blue. There was no Fenway Park vs. Dodger Stadium, no Joe Castiglione vs. Vin Scully, no Yaz vs. Sandy Koufax.

Everybody in Boston loves Dodgers manager Dave Roberts, and we never got caught up in the substance-vs.-style comparisons that marked Celtics-Lakers wars through the decades.

A good column, actually, I just thought the whole thing a bit silly, but that's the nature of a fair amount of Super Bowl stories.