Reality Check?

The Boston Red Sox have been doing pretty well so far this season, with the best record in baseball. Leave it to Shank to take a piss on the team before a big series on the road against the defending champions, the Houston Astros:

Show Pony Red Sox are 39-17. Impossible to tell how good they are cuz of horrible level of competition. Let's see how they do with 'Stros, Tribe and Yanks in October. Until then, all this means nothing.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 30, 2018

I'm so glad that this guy's figured out Shank is an asshole:

the Astros have had an easier schedule than the Red Sox and Boston's schedule has been similar to the Yankees. pic.twitter.com/U0yfW8p6MP

— Jared Carrabis(@Jared_Carrabis) May 30, 2018

Don't confuse Shank with advanced stats!

Same schtickfor CHB. Rinse, repeat

— Jim S (@3Bronco) May 30, 2018

So the individual performances of JD, Mookie, Benny (recently), Kelly, Kimbrel, Sale, Price (recently) mean nothing?

— MATTV (@mattvit17) May 30, 2018

You’re the reason I canceled my subscription to the Globe. You’re a downer.

— Timothy Tim (@timbosox) May 30, 2018

The tribe are 4 games over .500...

— Brandon Silber (@brandon_silber) May 30, 2018

You get the drift of it by now...

Guilt By Association / Under The Bus

After all he's done for Shank (or more precisely, Shank's daughter):

Then the Red Sox supposedly bought him off. Part owner Tom Werner gave Shaughnessy's daughter an internship with his Hollywood production company (this has never been denied or refuted by Shaughnessy or the Boston Globe). Now Shaughnessy skips down Landsdown Street singing the Barney "I love you - you love me" song when it comes to anything to do with the Red Sox.

...this is how Shank repays Tom Werner, co-owner of the Boston Red Sox:

From April 8 Boston Globe pic.twitter.com/d9GkR997Tc

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 29, 2018

Roseanne Barr is a freaking lunatic.

I'll make one other note - isn't it funny that liberals can call conservatives every name in the book as well as physically threaten / shooting them, but they get the vapors when the tables are turned, and in this case a mere tweet.

Dan Shaughnessy, Still An Asshole - IV

This is the Celtics in Game 7 https://t.co/bo2Ul5NM8Z

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 28, 2018

@Dan_Shaughnessy pic.twitter.com/CELtGY4RIO

— Chris (@ChrisDimwit) May 28, 2018

It Must Be Memorial Day

...when the regular talent at 98.5 FM - The Sports Hub needs to resort to an alternative lineup:

On 98.5 FM SportsHub now from 8-12 with Ryan Johnston and Sean Sylver talking much Celtics. I am wildly disappointed. Are you?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 28, 2018

Four entire hours of Shank?

Rooting For A Loss - II

The Boston Celtics lost Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals last night, and since a local team lost the game, Shank whips up a column about it:

In the end, the young Celtics looked . . . young. They got tight. They couldn’t put the staggering Cavaliers to bed. They couldn’t stop the indomitable LeBron James. And then they collapsed altogether.

“We just had one of those nights,’’ Celtic coach Brad Stevens said after the Celts dropped an 87-79 Game 7 to the Cleveland Cavaliers at TD Garden on Sunday. “. . . the pain is part of the path.’’

Ooooh. The pain.

We are not supposed to be disappointed. This was a “house money” series. The Celtics never expected to get this far after they lost Gordon Hayward and Kyrie Irving during the regular season. But then they advanced to the conference finals. And then they took 2-0 and 3-2 series leads and looked significantly better than the Cavs. Finally, most painfully, they took a 12-point lead in Game Seven on their own court.

You get the sense that Shank would like to take a steaming dump on the Celtics, but somehow reality gets in the way.

Rooting For A Loss

Shank on the Boston Red Sox ace pitcher:

Evidently, the way to beat Chris Sale is to throw a no hitter at the Red Sox on the day he pitches

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 27, 2018

The Departed

Shank doesn't like the imminent release of Hanley Ramirez:

The Red Sox dumped first baseman Hanley Ramirez Friday.

The move is being applauded by analytics geeks, luxury-tax toadies, and swing-path savants who permeate and pollute the game of baseball in 2018.

Swell.

I hate it. This move makes the Red Sox worse and less interesting. And it takes away the only proven clutch postseason hitter on a team that needs to prove itself in October. It sucks the color and cockiness out of the clubhouse. It takes away a big threat against lefthanded pitching. It subtracts a goofy, often-full-of-beans talent from a clubhouse peppered with millennial softies who routinely dance on the heads of the no-talent Orioles and Rays in May but have been zeros in October.

I think this is a case of Shank being contrarian just to be contrarian, but he does make a few good points.

Trippin'

That's the only explanation I have for Shank's latest column.

It was long past midnight and I was in a pretty deep sleep when I smelled the cigar smoke wafting out of my cluttered office on the second floor of my house. Somewhat alarmed, I rubbed my eyes and tiptoed into the dark room, where I could see the shady outline of a short, bald man sitting in the raggedy old brown chair that my dad loved.

The orange glow at the tip of his familiar-smelling Hoyo de Monterrey was the only light in the room.

“Is that you, Red?’’ I asked as I took a seat in the darkness, across the room from him.

“You’re damn right it is,’’ he said. “I had to come back to tell somebody how much I like this team. And you’re one of the only guys I remember who’s still around.’’

“Thanks, Red,’’ I said. “I’m honored. We miss having you around, but this has been a fun bunch and fans really love them.’’

Fortunately, these types of columns are few & far between.

Simply The Best?

Shank makes his declaration:

CLEVELAND — LeBron James is the best basketball player of all time.

Wilt Chamberlain is second.

Michael Jordan is third.

There. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

This is just the opinion of one man who’s seen all the NBA stars who’ve played since 1962. I understand that GOAT discussions, like Mount Rushmore arguments, are a little tired these days, and much of the debate depends on how one frames the argument (estimable colleague Bob Ryan chooses to eliminate old-time centers from the discussion). So I’ll just tell you that LeBron is the best I have seen and this does not come lightly from one who grew up in a small New England town during an era when the Celtics were champions every spring.

I started to wonder what motivated Shank to write two columns on a Sunday, then I realized he's in Cleveland...

Blown Out

The Boston Celtics lost by thirty points last night, so you know what that means:

CLEVELAND — It was all going a little too smoothly.

The Celtics beat the Cavaliers in Games 1 and 2 of the conference finals last week and the NBA’s schedule-maker gave them almost four full days to read and hear about how great they were . . . and how the Cavaliers were finished . . . and how the Celtics were bound to meet the Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals.

It was a little bit much, no? Brad Stevens was prematurely anointed Coach of the Century, Jayson Tatum was the new Paul Pierce, and Marcus Smart was suddenly the best Celtic to come off the bench since John Havlicek in the mid-1960s.

Note that Shank's applying his patented technique here - build up a local team beyond all reasonable expectations so you can gloat for much longer when the team inevitably fails to meet those unreasonable expectations:

Back in the artificially-loud comfort of Quicken Loans Arena, the still-proud Cavaliers ran the young Celtics off the floor in the first quarter and made this a legitimate series with a wire-to-wire, 116-86, Game 3 victory. There was no beating King James (27 points, 12 assists) at home on the same day as a Royal Wedding. The Celtics played like a bunch of guys who got out of bed too early to watch the nuptials across the pond. They were the Carson Smith Five.

What's Red Sox pitcher Carson Smith's doing in this article? Shank gets to shit on him too!

Pushing The Panic Button?

Unable to raise doubt about the Boston Celtics after a solid Game 2 victory, the Globe's answer to the Eye of Sauron sets his sights back on the Boston Red Sox:

I just asked Carson Smith if he could set record straight to what he meant in regards to being used a lot and told him how Cora was asked today on @DaleKeefeWEEI about whether he might be blaming Cora for overuse. He said he had “no comment.” added, “I’ve said what I need to say”

— Christopher Smith (@SmittyOnMLB) May 16, 2018

Pathetic. These Sox starting to look/sound like 2017 team and that is not good. https://t.co/D4X8ZcnrXX

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 16, 2018

All the more columns you can write to rag on them, Danno - think of it as an opportunity, not a problem!

That's Why They Play Seven Games

Following an excellent Game 1 win over the Cleveland Cavaliers by the Celtics, Shank tells everybody to calm down:

It would be good at this moment for Celtic fans to take a deep breath and pump the brakes on plans to travel west for the NBA Finals.

I’m not saying it won’t happen, but the past teaches us that it would be best to wait a few more games before buying plane tickets to San Francisco or Houston.

The upstart Celtics shocked the basketball world, thrashing Team LeBron, 108-83, in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals Sunday afternoon at the Garden.

Decent column, actually.

The End Of Times

Padding his resume, Shank does (what we believe) is his first commencement speech:

Commencement speaker @Dan_Shaughnessy talking about the importance of “doing your homework” throughout life. #SNHU2018 pic.twitter.com/rIT6FBtQug

— SNHU On Campus (@SNHUOnCampus) May 12, 2018

For those of you who may be interested in the subject, Southern New Hampshire University used to be New Hampshire College.

Shank Wins An Award!

Well, it's an award of dubious merit - Awful Announcing's Hottest Take of the Week:

1. Dan Shaughnessy blames Red Sox issues on Yawkey Way renaming and David Price’s love of Fortnite: Crotchety Boston Globe columnist Shaughnessy pulled a two-for this week in finding unusual suspects for the Red Sox’s problems, first going after them for petitioning the city to rename Yawkey Way (a controversial name given former Red Sox owner Tom Yawkey’s history on keeping his team segregated) and then saying pitcher David Price’s love of video games led to his hand injury:

It Would Be The First One

Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer must not be familiar with Shank's 'work':

Hall of Fame article from Dangerous Dan https://t.co/XNl5njZRX5

— Jim Palmer (@Jim22Palmer) May 10, 2018

Be Still, My Beating Heart

Shank's gonna be on with Zolak & Bertrand (98.5, The Sports Hub) in about ten minutes. $10 says he leads off by regurgitation of his last two columns.

The One Where Shank Finally Turns On David Price?

Taking a cue from yesterday's Felger & Mazz radio show, Shank piles on Red Sox pitcher David Price.

NEW YORK — Carpal tunnel syndrome.

David Price missed his start in New York on Wednesday night — the biggest game of the year thus far in this stellar Sox season — because of carpal tunnel syndrome.

And not only that. According to the Red Sox, Price is suffering from minor carpal tunnel syndrome.

Could things get any more hideous for Boston’s $217 million starter? Price is forever walking around Fenway with a target on his back because of his salary, his playoff history, his Dennis Eckersley ambush, and all the other quotes and stunts that indicate he is ill-equipped for Boston baseball. And now he misses a start in New York because of a condition that possibly was brought on by playing too many video games?

DHL Dan LVXIII - Sox / Yankees

This column, variants of which have been written well over a hundred times by Shank, appears once again which gives off a strong, unmistakable vibe that this one was mailed in.

NEW YORK — The Red Sox and Yankees at this hour are the two best teams in baseball. They have the most stars and the most history.

The torch is passed. From Joe and Ted, to Thurman and Carlton, to Derek and Nomar . . . to Didi and Mookie.

See what I mean?

And they are tied for first place with identical 25-10 records in the wake of Tuesday’s 3-2 Yankees victory in the Bronx. It was New York’s 16th win in 17 games. The Yanks have made up 7½ games in the AL East standings since April 20.

Time To Worry?

The Celtics lost last night, but Shank sez 'Don't worry, be happy!'

PHILADELPHIA — Back in Boston this game will be reviewed as a mere annoyance — an unnecessary extension of a series that inevitably will be won by the Celtics. And the zebras will inspire the full fury of Tommy Heinsohn and Green Team Nation.

Here in Philly, it’s a different story. Folks in this esteemed hoop town are thinking their team can do what no NBA team has done in 129 previous tries. They think the down-and-almost-out Sixers can win four straight against the Celtics and advance to the Eastern Conference finals.

The Sixers beat the Celtics, 103-92, in Game 4 Monday to extend this series and force a Game 5 Wednesday in Boston. Demonstrating an amazing level of sophistication, and appropriate chagrin, the Philadelphia folks did not drop confetti after beating the Celts.

It's Official - Shank's On The Celtics Bandwagon

Sure took him long enough, didn't it?

PHILADELPHIA — Confetti flew from the ceiling of Wells Fargo Center at the end of regulation.

That’s how certain it was that the Celtics were going to lose.

It reminded me of the night Red Auerbach noticed balloons ready to be dropped from the rafters of the Los Angeles Forum before a Celtic-Laker Game 7 featuring Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Russell. Red made sure the Celtics knew of the Lakers’ celebration plans and the Celtics, of course, deflated the Lakers, then mocked the balloons.

And since he's on the bandwagon, Shank wonders:

Maybe it will take LeBron to stop the Celtics. Or maybe the Green Team can make it all the way to Oakland for a showdown with the World Champion Warriors.

No matter what, it’s going to be a fun ride.

The Two Extremes

It's been well documented (here and elsewhere) that Shank likes to lay it on thick on occasion, both when burying a local athlete / sports team and when he praises them. Here's an example of the latter.

Brad Stevens spends the better part of every home game standing just a few feet from the Red Auerbach signature stenciled into the Garden’s parquet floor.

Red would enjoy that. He’d take a puff on his Hoyo de Monterrey double corona, sit back in his seat, and say, “You know, this kid we got coaching us is pretty damn good.’’

Indeed. Maybe Brad Stevens can bring Amazon to Boston. Maybe he can figure out a way to eliminate all rush-hour traffic. Maybe he can fix David Price and make everything good again between Bill Belichick and Tom Brady.

The man can do anything. Just look at what he is doing to the Philadelphia 76ers.

Correlation Is Not Causation

Another hot (read - stupid) take from Shank:

Since the day city voted to take remove Yawkey Way from in front of Fenway, Sox are 3-4 and first place lead has gone from four games to one game. Just sayin'.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 4, 2018

If there's blame to go around, I think Shank bears some responsibility here - he was one of the clowns pushing it!

Just Like The Old Days

Is Shank having a flashback?

Boston-Philadelphia. Basketball wars.

The Celtics are playing the Philadelphia 76ers in the second round of the NBA playoffs and it is a renewal of hostilities that goes back 60 years. This is the 20th postseason meeting between Boston and Philadelphia. It is as close to Red Sox-Yankees as you are going to get in any Celtic spring.

In one of their more impressive wins of the season, the undermanned Celtics (no Jaylen Brown, no Kyrie Irving, no Gordon Hayward, no Malcolm Butler) thrashed the white-hot Sixers, 117-101, in a 48-minute Game 1 frenzy that honored six decades of playoffs featuring the Colonial rivals.

It’s odd that this is only the third time the cities have dueled in the NBA tournament in the last 33 years. Celtic fans of a certain age remember when it seemed like Boston and Philly jousted in the playoffs every spring.

That's where Shank tears open the time capsule. That part is interesting, mostly because we don't read about it often from Shank or anyone else.