Sunday, May 06, 2007

Crimson Softball...CHB Style

(Today’s guest blog entry is written by a Mr D.S/OB. of Groton)

It has been a rather lively debate this week for Ye Olde Blog Team. I figured I would try to calm the raging waters. After reading multiple entries from Juli la Chuli, I felt I was reading a twisted Kurt Vonnegut novel (look it up you idiots) and I needed a cathartic cleansing from sports.

I submitted a piece today in the Big Daddy Globe about the Daughters of Jenny Allard, a.k.a., the Harvard women’s softball team. Hell, it’s a win-win proposition for us all. My stupid readers probably know nothing about this softball team and I can probably slap down anything I want and get away with it. Plus, you are not going to find this kind of insight on, oh no sir. Do you think the old Blowhard knows who bats third for the Crimson? I don’t think so but I sure can tell you.

Besides, women’s softball is a good remedy for what ails professional baseball: $103 million moon-faced pitchers who can’t find the plate (I told you that was a stupid signing) and $18 million dollar savant outfielders who quit on their teams in the heat of a pennant race. Face it Blog Nation, I am what you really need—someone who can bring you back to what’s important in life – pure amateur athleticism at its finest. It boggles my mind that television networks pay billions for the rights to televise major league sports and we can’t even get an Ivy League women’s softball score on the ESPN ticker update.

As I watched the game yesterday with the high-brow Harvard alum, I couldn’t help but think about that old commercial. I ate my hot dog and I turned to someone and said “Could you please pass the Gray Poupon?” We all got a big kick out of that one—I’ve still got it, don’t I?.

The Crimson star is clearly Lauren Murphy, she of the 3 home run performance last week. It was Fred Lynn like (look it up). She is the greatest player I have ever seen. If young Theo and the Minions had half of a brain between them, they would sign Ms Murphy to replace the diminutive Dustin Pedroia at second base for the Sox. You Fanboy Bloggers who live in your Mom's basement: Don’t tell me I don’t do any analysis – Ms Murphy has a higher slugging percentage and OPS than the overmatched Pedroia. It is a slam dunk signing.

Ms Murphy is the kind of character we need to clean up the debauchery that has recently littered the Boston sports landscape (Randy Moss? Parents, I hope you are locking your doors at night). I can just picture it now. Ms Murphy will be in the dugout conjugating her Latin…“Sum, es, est, Summus, estis, sunt" (Look it up) and savant Manny will be sitting next to her conjugating his cornrows with a puzzled look, mumbling “Est? It is what it is”.

Oh, yes sir, this is just the kind of journalistic insight that the Boston public deserves. It is sure to boost Globe readership, which contrary to public opinion is not lagging at all. Even if circulation is suffering, who cares? I will always have the last laugh as I cash my $100K+ annual paycheck. Have a great day!


paul said...

*yawn* Harvard's women's softball. I'm sure these women are fine athletes and represent all things good about sport...but the reason you can find Ivy League women's softball scores on ESPN is due to one thing. Rudimentary interest factor.

I'm willing to bet that most sports fans out there want to see a sport they enjoy played at the highest level by the best players. Sure, there are fans of college sports. I'm not one of them. (Shame on me, right?). It's a niche thing.

It's like being a fan of B-movies. There are some great low-budget movies like "The Sadist" (look it up) that are actually quite good but most people don't like them. But, I don't call people names or call into judgment there love of cinema. I understand that B-movies aren't for everyone...and I'm comfortable with that.

By the way, I know who Fred Lynn and Kurt Vonnegut are. Give me a little bit of credit.

Dave M said...

Paul - thanks....the Lynn, Vonnegut and other references were all tounge in cheek :)

paul said...

My tongue was firmly implanted in my cheek as well. :)

Great blog entry since Shank ran for the hills after lobbing his two Randy Moss bombs.

Dave M said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Objectivebruce said...

Clearly this piece went over your head. No further commentary required.

Anonymous said...

Objective Bruce:

Did you read the "Ideas" section this Sunday?

Yeah, me neither.

Anonymous said...

OB - you truly are an idiot