DHL Dan LXXXVII - Piling On Some More

Since it's still a bit too early for Shank to take a crap on the New England Patriots, he's reached just about the six foot level in burying the 2019 Boston Red Sox.

Dave Dombrowski may have to take the fall for Red Sox’ falloff

Picked-up pieces while planning a rare October vacation . . .

■ I’ll be shocked if Dave Dombrowski is back with the Red Sox next season. Boston’s president of baseball operations has increasingly isolated himself with pals Frank Wren and Tony La Russa and has few friends inside Fenway’s walls. Dombrowski is under contract for just one more season.

When you have the top payroll in baseball and don’t make the playoffs, somebody has to go. Alex Cora isn’t going anywhere. Dombrowski has been exactly what we thought he would be. He delivered a championship. But he gets the blame for the Chris Sale and Nathan Eovaldi contracts and for failing to address the bullpen need. He’s clearly not the guy to oversee a much-needed farm system rebuild.

Was I just saying something about Shank not crapping on the Patriots? Boy, was I WRONG!

■ Fans who don’t think Bill Parcells should be in the Patriots Hall of Fame are irrational, immature, or just too young to know anything.

The Krafts want you to think they are the ones who turned the franchise around. No. Everything changed when Parcells was hired by then-owner James Orthwein. Parcells delivered instant credibility and got a 2-14 team into a Super Bowl in four seasons. He brought Bill Belichick to New England. He drafted Lawyer Milloy, Tedy Bruschi, Ty Law, Curtis Martin, and Willie McGinest.

Parcells left on bad terms after Kraft betrayed him, instructing Bobby Grier to make a first-round draft pick behind Parcells’s back.

Ask yourselves this, Parcells haters: How would Belichick have handled things if Kraft ordered Nick Caserio to overrule Belichick on draft day — without informing Belichick of what was going to happen?

Naturally, that is not the entire story about the Bill Parcells Era with the Patriots. Shank left a few things out in making his pitch.

Piling On, By Dan Shaughnessy

Nothing brings more joy to Shank than a Red Sox tailspin.

Collapsing Red Sox more about MIA stars than missed calls

NEW YORK — In 2019, the Yankees are Chris Sale’s Daddy.

Lurching into the fifth month of the worst season of his career — after signing a five-year, $145 million contract extension — Sale imploded on the Yankee Stadium mound Saturday afternoon. He gave up eight runs and nine hits in 3⅔ innings of a 9-2 loss.

When it was still a 1-1 game in the fourth, Sale got squeezed by umpire Mike Estabrook on an 0-and-2 pitch to Gio Urshela that appeared to be strike three. Sale fumed. He wound up surrendering a line single to Urshela. After getting the next man out, Sale yielded five consecutive hits. He got his manager ejected. He got taken out of the game by his acting manager. Then he got himself ejected.

More of the same at the link.

Not At A Loss (For Words)

Five game losing streak by the Red Sox (and a sixth on the horizon)? You bet Shank is all over it:

NEW YORK — Let’s not exaggerate. The Red Sox have endured worse weeks than the one we just witnessed. There was January 1934 when a large portion of Fenway Park burned down in the aftermath of a 63-86 season. There was 1983 when Buddy LeRoux staged an ownership coup on the same night the club was honoring Tony Conigliaro, who had lapsed into a coma. There was the day the Sox hired Joe Kerrigan as their manager. And let’s not forget that fateful week in 2011 when the Sox fired Terry Francona after a collapse owed to chicken and beer.

When a team has been around since 1901, there’s a high bar for low moments, but this past week in Sox World was pretty darned bad. The defending champs appeared demoralized by their front office’s inability to acquire pitching help at the trading deadline. Baseball boss Dave Dombrowski delivered a message that he doesn’t believe in the 2019 Sox and the players responded accordingly, losing five straight for the first time since a last-place season in 2015.

Quick column summary for you tl;dr types - it's all Dombrowski's fault.

Swept Up

It seems the only time Shank bothers to write about a Red Sox / Yankees series is when he's complaining about it. A few days ago he bitched about the slow pace of the games, and naturally his next column came after a loss by the Red Sox.

Was a sweep too much to ask?

Red Sox fans are a greedy lot. That’s what happens when you win four championships over 15 seasons.

And Shank's done his level best to minimize and downplay every one of them.

And so sweep talk dominated the Boston baseball landscape in the hours leading up to Sunday night’s ESPN hardball festival.

The 2019 Sox — sluggish for so much of this season — pantsed the first-place Yankees over the first three games of this series. Boston won all three games, outscoring New York by a whopping 38-13. The Sox struck a ridiculous 33 extra-base hits over three days, winning games by hideous scores of 19-3, 10-5, and 9-5. Brutal beatings, every one.

And when the Red Sox failed to sweep the Yankees, Shank's all over it like a fly on shit. For those of you who dare to read the rest of the column, note the exquisite detail in which Shank goes to document the manner in which the Sox lost the game. You can just picture the perma-smirk he had while banging this column out.

The One Where I Agree With Shank

Since the Tour de France is still going on I was watching that instead, but Shank has (dare I say it) a good column about the Sox / Yankees games.

The third-place Red Sox beat the Yankees, 19-3, Thursday, improving to 2-6 vs. New York this season. The Sox trail the first-place Bronx Bombers by 10 games, 11 in the loss column. The two teams have scored an aggregate 72 runs in their last three meetings.
Are we having fun yet?

Not me. I believe the Sox and Yankees are on a mission to kill baseball.

These ancient rivals play interminable games. They grind. They foul off a million pitches. They step out of the box. They teach their pitchers to strike every batter out. They do not want “the chaos of the ball in play.’’ They drain all the blood from your face. They do this until the only people still “watching” are old folks who fall asleep in front of the TV.

If I recall correctly, the London series between these two clubs (two games) was a combined nine hours long.

Check that:

When the Sox played the Yankees in London the games went 4:42 and 4:24. Back to back. A great way to sell the product overseas, no?

Well, they're like shorter cricket matches, so there's that...

There's No Promotion

...like self-promotion - check out this retweet by Shank, complete with a picture of his latest book and a trendoid hipster beer, natch:

Checked another book off the summer reading list tonight with @Dan_Shaughnessy’s Francona book.

Best read of the year so far. Always rooting for Tito when he’s not facing the Sox. pic.twitter.com/mkVakTic3W

— Miles McQuiggan (@MilesMcQuiggan) July 23, 2019

Milestone Reached

The post below this one is the 3,000th post of the Dan Shaughnessy Watch. As Ric Flair would say, Whooooooo!

DHL Dan LXXXVI - Summer With The Shank

Doesn't sound like we missed a whole lot:

COOPERSTOWN, NY — Picked up pieces from three days at the Hall of Fame.
■ The Red Sox had a relatively light representation at Sunday’s induction ceremony. Among the new Hall of Famers — Mariano Rivera, Edgar Martinez, Roy Halladay, Mike Mussina, Harold Baines, and Lee Smith — only Smith played for Boston and that was a mere two-plus seasons between 1988-90. Smith surrendered a game-losing, 10th-inning, two-run homer to fellow Hall of Famer Alan Trammell in his first Sox game and was part of Morgan Magic in 1988.

Pedro Martinez, Jim Rice, Wade Boggs, and Dennis Eckersley were among more than 50 Hall of Fame players on stage with Smith and the other new inductees. Carlton Fisk and Carl Yastrzemski did not attend the New York-centric ceremony.

That's A Big 10-4

Here's Shank getting an easy column out of David Price reigniting his 'feud' with Dennis Eckersley:

COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. — I’ve never really found it hard to take sides in the David Price-Dennis Eckersley dust-up. Price is a talented baby who feels he is being a good teammate and a tough guy when he rips Eckersley. A bewildered Eckersley, who never wants to talk about it, just shrugs his shoulders and wonders about his nonsensical nemesis in the Sox clubhouse.

“He’s my new Kirk Gibson,’’ Eckersley said with a laugh Saturday in Cooperstown, N.Y. “Everywhere I go people are asking me about David Price, telling me what he said about me. For years, I carried the Gibson thing around. Everybody was droppin’ a Gibson on me. Now I got this. I don’t get it.’’

No one understands it. But let’s get one thing straight: This is not a back-and-forth feud. This is Price — twice in three years — going out of his way to attack Eckersley. Eck has never fired back and he’s not firing back now. He initiated none of it and studiously avoids the topic. I tried to get him to talk about it again Saturday with no luck. Eck just wants to enjoy his life, his grandchildren, and his broadcast career. He’s recovered from alcoholism, broken marriages, and surrendering one of the most famous home runs in World Series history. A few mean words from a petulant millionaire lefty can’t hurt him.

Agreed - Price is acting like a jerkoff and he should just can it.

The One Where Shank Starts To Turn On David Price?

Shank's been pretty supportive of Red Sox pitcher David Price ever since the Sox signed him three and a half years ago. That appears to be changing.

Fellow Boston Globe baseball reporter Chad Finn is doing a story on former MLB ace and current NESN announcer Dennis Eckersley and the 2017 'feud' between Eckersley and Price has now become the focal point, at least for some people around here:

I mean David Price won a World Series here and Eck did not, so I guess the fans can rally around him now in this weird feud. Here he basically implies nobody likes Eck past or present, but he has lots of friends that will say nice things about him after he retires. Cool, I guess https://t.co/2RbtS4MD2q

— Matt Dolloff (@mattdolloff) July 17, 2019

I interviewed people for the story and didn't use anything they said because there was so much universal praise for him that it got redundant. Jim Rice loves him. Remy. Buddy Bell. He's a son to La Russa. Scott Sanderson, who recently passed away, loved him On and on ... https://t.co/HuyMbB8QCN

— Chad Finn (@GlobeChadFinn) July 17, 2019

Further, the MLB doc included interviews with ex-teammates Ron Darling, Bruce Hurst, Mark (And I'm Mark) McGwire, Ray Fosse, and Fred Lynn, among others. https://t.co/13Gx5VDl8G

— Chad Finn (@GlobeChadFinn) July 17, 2019

Naturally, Shank has to weigh in with a tweet that demonstrates a lack of self-awareness:

David Price thinks he holds the cards. Then why be such a jackass? https://t.co/vY7eeFsdDn

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 17, 2019

There are plenty of things that Shank's written about over the years that make him look like a jackass, so let's savor that irony for now. Further down the road, if the Red Sox can't land a playoff spot and Price winds up pitching poorly, expect Shank's criticism of Price to reach the point where he'll become the next Red Sox player to be run out of town by His Shankness.

UPDATE AT 5:40 PM - Sure looks like Shank's setting the table to eventually run David Price out of town when the time is right:

Just spoke with Bruce Cornblatt, sr. producer of MLB Eck Doc. Said, "I came away feeling Eck's teammates all loved him. We got 100 % cooperation from those we asked. Hurst, Fosse, Darling, McGwire, Lynn, Remy.We didn't ask many. By design. This was supposed to be Eck on Eck.''

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 17, 2019

Re-establishing that Price doesn’t know what he’s talking about https://t.co/H950NZa8RZ

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 17, 2019

You Were Saying...?

No one pummels Tomato Cans like these 2019 Red Sox. Look for them to go 7-0 vs. Jays and Oriole this week. Whee! Then they will suck vs. Yankees and Rays. Show pony Sox are 19-28 (.404) vs. teams with winning records.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 15, 2019

Andrew Cashner’s debut just more of the same https://t.co/DOK6ORRtGf via @BostonGlobe

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 17, 2019

Simply Unbelievable

(another in an occasional departure from Shank bashing)

There I was a little while ago, sitting around and watching old Star Trek reruns on BBC America, happy as a clam, when a commercial came on and I flipped the channels. For some reason I turned it to 'The "Best" of Felger and Mazz' and tuned in to a segment when Felger and (who I'm pretty sure was) Adam Jones, subbing on for the nearly equally loathsome Tony Massarotti (more on that in a minute). What a fucking monumental mistake that was.

Supposed tennis expert Michael Felger was talking about yesterday's men's Wimbeldon final between Novak Djokovic and Roger Federer, in what was instantly billed as an all-time classic match. Unfortunately, I didn't watch much of that match since it interfered with my Tour de France watching, but I don't believe for a millisecond that Felger watched any of it himself. Instead of doing what you might expect of a decent and normal person and giving Djokovic credit for an epic win, Felger instead trashed Federer and said 'he choked, CHOKED it away!' 'He hit that last ball off the side of his racket and it went way into the second stands!' or some such garbage. As the ensuing 'discussion' went on, the co-host corrected Felger on a number of points about the match, leaving this cat with the unmistakable impression that the only thing Felger watched was the last five minutes of the match, and to no one's surprise, focused entirely on the losing side and that massive choke artist Roger Federer, holder of 20 Grand Slam major titles in his career, better than any other men's tennis player.

For whatever reason, Felger needs to demonstrate a pathological need to point out any and all perceived shortcomings, real or imagined, in order to diminish the loser of a game or match in order to make some emotional, overcharged and hyperbolic point. After many years of watching / listening to this asshole, it is now clear he is wholly incapable of mentioning the good / right / correct things the winner did to win the game or match. It is a compulsive need to be an asshole, or does it help 98.5 FM's ratings during afternoon drive time to be an asshole? The world may never know.

And don't get me started about another asshole - ESPN's Tom Rinaldi, perhaps the worst combination of insincerity, fake praise, phony ass-kissing and general douchebag qualities ever assembled into the most useless of sports coverage, the sideline 'reporter'. I killed the feed just before Rinaldi finished his first sentence of fake praise at Novak, and I don't believe Novak was entirely thrilled with that interview himself.

On to Massarotti - a few weeks ago, they were talking about golf and mentioned three time major winner Brooks Koepka. Being the professional asshole he is, he outright dismissed two of his U.S. Open wins for no apparent reason whatsoever. I realize that this can be considered cherrypicking, but Mazz gave me no reason to consider his blithe dismissal of those accomplishments, nor did Felger acknowledge Djokovic's win in any respect.

Besides the Felger-infused rant here, the larger point is this - Bruce Allen was completely right about six years ago. While this particular bit of fake sports outrage from Felger set me off tonight for a reason, it's because the fake outrage is not reasoned. There is no pretense of reason with someone claiming in an unconvincing fashion that a 20 time Grand Slam winner 'choked, CHOKED!' away a Wimbledon final win. Did it ever occur to Michael Felger that that last shot of Federer's he loved to trash was... simply mishit, or missed?

Unfortunately, Bruce left the counter-criticism business a few years ago, in disgust. I now feel that disgust more than ever. However, I with my co-blogger Mike will soldier on, because the unrelenting 200% negative crap from the likes of Felger, Shaughnessy, et. al. needs to be continually countered and critiqued

Shank's New Recycling Method

The Boston Globe helps out with further recycling efforts - who needs DHL Dan / Picked Up Pieces columns anymore?

From the archives | @Dan_Shaughnessy’s summary of the Home Run Derby held at Fenway Park 20 years ago tonight: “Who ever heard of a batting practice block party?” https://t.co/uPj7gMGwxu

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) July 13, 2019

New Bud Book Juices Shank's Loins

This is the circular reasoning of someone who knows no logic (aka, sports columnists): Ask a leading question. Get no response. Assume the lack of response means the subject has something to hide.

In financial circles, public companies are notably (sometimes for legal compliance) cautious about speaking out of turn. Given that officers can go to jail for saying the wrong thing, they tend to clam up. They are especially prudent when it comes to speculation, or even commenting on speculation. Reason: If you make a habit of disputing rumor, observers will assume true any rumor you don't comment on. So the safest approach is to decline comment on everything.

Sports commissioners often find themselves in no-win positions. They work for the owners, yet the fans and media tend to assume they work for the consumers. So they ask stupid questions and get their panties in a wad when they don't get the answers they want.

To wit: Bud Selig, former MLB commissioner, has written a book. And Shank, ever opportunistic, feels he need to share an anecdote about ... former NBA commissioner David Stern. (Block that metaphor!)

Likewise, he mentions the conspiracy that baseballs are juiced. This apparently is due to the fact that there are a lot of home runs in baseball. Has the CHB ever actually watched a major league game? Some of these guys could hit marshmallows 500 feet. There are also a lot of strikeouts in baseball. Why? Because everyone is trying to hit homeruns. Duh.

But I digress, as does The CHB. Back to Selig. Apparently Bud Man should have done more about steroids in baseball. I agree ... but keep in mind the keepers of the faith -- aka the sportswriters -- turned a blind eye to what was going on as well. And then -- worse, in my opinion -- those same sportswriters have taken to trying to establish policy by deciding who did -- and didn't -- take PEDs. So Nomar Garciaparra must have cheated. Same with Mike Piazza. And Jeff Bagwell. And so on and so on.

To lay that all at Bud Selig's feet is a bit much, especially when writers like Shank continue to rewrite the same columns ad nauseam.

Then there's the "bag job" -- the story about the sale of the Red Sox to John Henry. Selig allows that Henry was the preferred acquirer. But clearly former trustee John Harrington didn't want to sell to the other bidders. Moreover, Henry, as a minority owner of the Yankees and then owner of the Marlins, had already been vetted. Let's go back to the top: The commissioner works for the owners. The Red Sox were and are a private entity, not a public trust. Why was Shank so PO'd about Henry buying the team? It remains a mystery. Perhaps he was taking graft from one of the bidders to push their candidacy.

Perhaps someday The CHB will write a book, at which time we can remind of of this paraphrased quote: "Refreshing. A man who is no longer a sportswriter is liberated."

DHL Dan LXXXV - Shank Wants A Closer

Nothing says lazy like a second Picked Up Pieces column in three weeks:

■ Crushing Dave Dombrowski for the Red Sox bullpen failure is not a second-guess by anybody around here. Like everybody else, I challenged Dombro on the state of the Sox bullpen in spring training, and on March 17 he told me, “I think we’ll be ready . . . I understand there’s no proven closer and until somebody gets out there and does that, there’s always an uncertainty, but we think we have enough ability there to get the job done . . . We’ll be fine out there, I believe. Give guys a chance and we’ll see what takes place.’’ As we all know, this philosophy was built on “hope’’ rather than established talent. Bad bullpen-building cost Dombrowski a World Series when he had a Tiger wagon in 2013, and it may keep his team out of the playoffs this year. What a waste. The Sox are built to win now and have the top payroll in baseball. But Dombrowski put cheap gas in a Rolls-Royce and paid the price. The announcement that Nathan Eovaldi will take over as closer was equally weird. Dombrowski refused to say it was “desperation,’’ insisting it was a move of “urgency.’’ No, thanks. It’s risky to hand the job to a guy who’s had two Tommy John surgeries. Plus, Eovaldi doesn’t want to close and is still at least a week away. Meanwhile, the Sox went into the weekend with an American League-leading 18 blown saves. It’s time to trade for a closer. Who do they think they are kidding?

Here's another question - does Shank want to keep his job at the Boston Globe?

■ Regarding bringing on more payroll, John Henry last weekend told WEEI’s Rob Bradford, “It’s not a luxury-tax issue, it’s a question of how much money do we want to lose. We’re already over budget and we were substantially over our budget last year and this year. We’re not going to be looking to add a lot of payroll.’’ Stunned that the world champion Boston Red Sox might be losing money, I e-mailed the owner to ask if I was reading this correctly and if NESN revenues are counted when calculating losses. Henry, who also owns the Globe, did not respond.

He'll respond to Shank the next time the Globe announces their next 'restructuring'.

Okay - this one's pretty funny:

■ If Mayor Pete Buttigieg gets sick and can’t make it to the next debate, he can send Brad Stevens in his place and no one will know the difference.

■ Mookie Betts’s odd decline actually started last year in the playoffs. After his over-the-top MVP season (.346, 32 homers), Betts batted .210 in three postseason series with one homer and 12 strikeouts over 14 games. Betts went into Saturday bstting .268, down 78 points from 2018. Meanwhile, exactly what is going on with Andrew Benintendi?

So maybe it's not just the closer that's the problem this year, Shank?

We don't have to wait another month for Shank to rag on the Patriots:

■ Patriots fans go wild with excitement any time there’s any cherry-picked stat to indicate that the AFC East is not a joke. Meanwhile, New England will go into this season with a quarterback who has 237 career wins (including postseason). The other three projected starting quarterbacks (Sam Darnold, Josh Rosen, Josh Allen) in the Warhol Division have fewer combined wins than Brady did during the 2007 regular season.

Whenever Shank is confronted by a single statistic (total wins by division) that should forevermore render this argument moot, he calls us 'cherry pickers'. The burden's on him to explain why this stat should be considered just that.

What Do You Mean 'We', Kemosabe?

There's that, and then there's the false notion that Shank's been in the Red Sox's corner the whole season:

A couple of hours ago, when the Red Sox scored 6 in the bottom of the first to tie the game, John Smoltz got sucked in and did what we've all done this year: He said "this could be the moment that turns their season around''

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 29, 2019

Slowly Aged, Like A Fine Whine

It took Shank nearly two months to lay into (soon to be former) Celtic Kyrie Irving?

Back in April, Boston.com conducted a poll to determine the greatest sports villain in our town. Sixty-four nominees were offered in NCAA Tournament bracket fashion. More than 130,000 votes were cast and the winner/loser was NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. The Ginger Hammer won by more than 1,000 votes in each of six rounds, easily beating Alex Rodriguez in the final.

I demand a new vote.

I believe that at this hour, Kyrie Irving would be a runaway winner, defeating even the man who was so mean to those cheatin’ Patriots.

This is rich, coming from the most hated man in Boston sports media, isn't it?

The Long (And Whining) Road

"Good thing there is always a losing team. If there wasn't, Dan would have nothing to write about."

No truer statement has ever been written about the Boston Globe's longest serving columnist:

After a tough loss, Red Sox have a long road ahead

The phony “surging” Red Sox blew another save Wednesday and lost to the White Sox, 8-7, despite Chicago making every effort to give the game to Boston.

The indomitable Chris Sale (10 more strikeouts — whee!) gave up five earned runs and has now won three of his last 21 starts, but probably will be featured as the red-hot guy in the NESN “Hot Zone” when he returns to Fenway Park in a couple of weeks, trying to win his first game at home in more than a year.

'Whee!'? Seriously?

The Sox trail the Yankees by nine games in the American League East and reigning MVP Mookie Betts, who evidently has no interest in staying in Boston, is on a pace to finish the season hitting .265 with 26 homers and 72 RBIs.

But enough of this reality. The star-powered Sox are an unparalleled commercial entity and are set to take their show on the road to London for a couple of days. They are off to Great Britain, where they will play two games against the Yankees in a land where no one knows anything about baseball.

Shank Sees The Dark Cloud With The Silver Lining

After a 6-3 win over the Chicago White Sox last night at Fenway Park, Shank 'helpfully' points a few things out:

NESN really thinks you are stupid. Now using JBJ was the "hot" hitter in the Heat Zone -- while mocking some struggling everyman on the White Sox. Fact is, JBJ could have been the "cold" guy in every MLB market for the last three months while he was hitting .150. #bebetter

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 25, 2019

White Sox. Two balls in play. Two mistakes. This helps “surging” Red Sox

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 25, 2019

Xander Bogaerts should demand to be charged with an error on that ball.
Seriously. What does it take to get charged with an error in 2019? Everything is a hit.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 26, 2019

DHL Dan LXXXIV - The Nonbeliever

In his first Picked-Up Pieces column in over six weeks, Shank (and everyone else in the greater Boston area) isn't buying what the authorities in the Dominican Republic are selling:

Picked-up pieces while hearing the sounds of lie detectors exploding from Santo Domingo to Boston . . .

■ While we continue to wish David Ortiz the best as he recovers from being shot almost two weeks ago, the explanation we were given by authorities in the Dominican Republic Wednesday is simply not believable. Seriously.

Mistaken identity? Do the Dominican authorities think we are all stupid? Would Elvis Presley have been mistaken for anyone else if he sat at a cafe in Memphis in the 1960s? Tom Brady on Newbury Street in Boston in 2019?

Many had much to lose if uncomfortable truths were unearthed in this case. So 10 days after the crime, we got this whopper of whoppers. The authorities cracked the case. Wrong guy.

He goes on from there to bitch and moan about the Celtics, NESN, the Bruins and we hear about a few bands from the 1960's. In other words, it's your typical and predictable Shank column.

Oh - and there's this:

■ Wonder if I can be like Brady and patent “Curly-Haired Boyfriend” and “Shank” so that no one else gets it first.

You get right on it, Shank!