What's In A Number?

Shank picks up on a theme after the attempt by Democrats to pervert the rule of law in order to jail their political opponents. To wit: President Donald Trump is booked for allegedly violating RICO laws in the state of Georgia, where...

Turns out Donald Trump is built just like a lot of famous athletes. Or is he?

According to booking records released by Georgia authorities, former president Donald Trump is 6 feet 3 inches and weighs a self-reported 215 pounds.

This makes Trump the physical twin of Patriots wide receiver DeVante Parker, also listed at 6-3, 215. Turns out Trump also could be a body double for San Diego Padres sluggers Manny Machado (6-3, 218) and Fernando Tatis Jr. (6-3, 217).

Truly amazing. The 77-year-old Trump at this hour is the exact same height and weight as Muhammad Ali was when he boxed Joe Frazier as a 29-year-old in the Fight of the Century at Madison Square Garden in 1971.

What a specimen!

Trump is 6' 3" but I doubt the weight of 215; more like 240 at a minimum.

,,, This is where I must ask everybody to calm down for a second and take a deep breath. This is not a political statement, nor is it about body shaming. In pro sports, being in top shape is part of the job. This has nothing to do with serious lies and issues that impact our lives and/or democracy.

This is about vanity and selling a narrative that makes one feel better about oneself. Who among us has not done that? I’m told it sometimes even happens on dating apps.

Read on for more examples of not being totally precise.

Imagination Used

If reading bullshit like this is what we're going to see from Shank during the Wuhan Virus slowdown, it's gonna be a long stretch of time, and painful to read.

Fantasy baseball: Here’s how I imagine I’d be previewing Opening Day at Fenway

(This is the column you might be reading today if not for the coronavirus pandemic.)

Stunned at being swept by the suddenly surging Baltimore Orioles, the 1-6 Red Sox will face the Chicago White Sox at 2:05 p.m. Thursday in their 109th Fenway Park opener.

"It will be good to finally get back to Boston,'' Sox interim manager Ron Roenicke might have said after Wednesday afternoon’s 4-1 loss to the upstart Orioles. "I’m pretty sure we’ll turn this around quickly when we get home to Fenway.''

Roenicke did not identify the Sox starting pitcher for the home opener.

“Could be Austin Brice, could be Marcus Walden, could be Heath Hembree,'' Roenicke said. "Chaim and the analytics guys will give me a name in the morning.''

Yup - it's that bad, and only gets worse from there. Read it, if you're into limo wrecks and that sort of thing.

I'd Rather Look Away

Remember that awful column from a few weeks ago (which one? - ed) where Shank was trying to be funny and clever? He's at it again:

There are two ways to look at the Patriots right now

The Patriot Hater and the Defender of the Wall have been friends for many, many years. They shared an apartment in Brighton after college, relying on the 57 bus, which roared through Oak Square each morning. They went on to enjoy careers in new cities after the turn of the century, but never stopped talking on the phone, and these last two decades have been filled with lively debate about the dominant and ever-controversial New England Patriots.

The Hater grew up far from New England and never liked the Patriots, but only in the new millennium did his true hatred emerge. He’s wildly jealous. He thinks the Patriots are arrogant cheaters. He keeps a framed photo of Ted Wells in his home office. And after 20 years of watching confetti rain on the heads of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, the Hater finally thinks his time has come.

Sounds like an autobiography!

The rest of the 'column' goes on about a mythical Patriots hater arguing with a mythical Patriots fan. It's unfunny schtick that's now overused to boot. Steer clear of it.

The Mothers Of Invention

News came out this week that the New England Patriots were again involved in a sideline filming controversy, this time involving the Cincinnati Bengals. Shank, clearly missing out on an opportunity to bash the team, finally jumps on the bandwagon in that fine tradition of Boston Globe fiction artists like Mike Barnicle (of 'Whitey Bulger kept the drugs out of Southie' fame), Patricia Smith and Kevin Cullen:

Where do Patriots ‘rule benders’ end up?

LOCATION UNKNOWN — Welcome to the Patriots penal colony, the place where the rule benders are stashed so they will never be heard from again.

“We call it the Jerod Mayo Zone, as in Area 51,’’ said Jimmy Hotfingers (a.k.a. “the Deflator”), as he greeted me at the door of the palatial lodge. “Don’t ask, don’t tell. Just Do Your Job and don’t say anything. Ever. That’s what we’re about. How was your trip?’’

A little disturbing, I told him. It was somewhat scary to be blindfolded and rolled into a private jet at Hanscom Field. I wasn’t in the sky that long, but I couldn’t tell if I was in upstate New York or Las Vegas. You lose your sense of time and space in the darkness. Same goes for the bumpy ride to the cabin.

Unfunny, uninteresting and complete bullshit - this is his worst column in some time, and that's saying something.

Getting The Vapors, Are We?

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Promises Are Made To Be Broken

Shank, October 25, 2014:

I promise never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list.

Pablo Sandoval, in Red Sox training camp earlier today:

This photo comes from Boston.com's Steve Silva, and shows new Red Sox third baseman (signed through 2019) Pablo Sandoval on his first day in camp. OK, so maybe he's a little robusto. He just got $100 million guaranteed. That's not really his problem anymore.
...
But if Sandoval happens to slump...I guarantee you'll have never heard "you fat fuck" yelled so many times in New England accents.

Since Shank's always been full of shit, when does he break his laughable 'pledge'? First day he shows up at Ft. Myers? First booted ground ball by The Panda? First serious batting slump? Leave your guesses (by date of the column ripping Sandoval) in the comments section, and the winner gets a stuffed doll from yours truly!

Man Of The Year

Shank bags another prestigious reward:

NASHUA – While most of New England rejoiced when the Boston Bruins advanced to the Stanley Cup Final this season, Dan Shaughnessy was nervous.

Shaughnessy, a sports columnist at The Boston Globe for over 30 years, anxiously awaited the release of the Finals schedule with hope that Game 7 – which he would’ve had to work for the Globe – wouldn’t fall on June 27.

Fortunately for Shaughnessy and the Nashua Police Athletic League, it didn’t, and the worst that could happen would be Shaughnessy making a quick turnaround from Chicago to Nashua in one day to attend the PAL Sports Dinner at Conway Arena on Thursday.

However, the Bruins’ season ended Monday and Shaughnessy was in attendance to accept his 2013 PAL of the Year award.

You might be wondering what ties Shank has to the Nashua, New Hampshire area:

Shaughnessy, originally from Groton, Mass., was relatively unfamiliar with PAL when he was first offered the award. But his ties to the Nashua area – he has family in Hollis and Hudson and his brother-in-law, the late Don Marquis, was a longtime history department chairman at Nashua High School – and his appreciation for the police and youth sports made him proud to receive it.

Kind of a reach, if you ask me.