If Only There Was A Profession Where They Asked Athletes Questions

Does anyone think Shank understands the irony of this tweet when he wrote it? How about any time thereafter?

Swell. And how does JD feel about the amazing performances submitted by his previously ordinary pitcher teammates over the first two months? https://t.co/UDPaxMcA8R

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 16, 2021

Tied To The Whipping Post

Is it me or is there always one Red Sox player Shank feels to need to shit on?

J D Martinez sitting on the Mendoza Line as we await his second at bat in Miami.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 17, 2020

Just call him JD Mendoza. https://t.co/VAPmtsCnHL

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 17, 2020

The One Where Shank Selects His Newest Whipping Post

That would be J.D. Martinez, who to be fair is playing on a bad team right now. Allow Shank to cut loose:

J.D. Martinez. This guy. In case you missed it, J.D. is not his usual slugger self thus far this season. He’s on pace to finish the Red Sox’ 60-game slate with a .244 batting average, zero homers, and 15 RBIs. Martinez has not driven home a run since Opening Day, two weeks ago. He has 13 strikeouts, only four walks, and a puny OPS of .720. Oh, and he also has an excuse. No video. Seriously. Players can’t review their in-game at-bats on video this season, and this has J.D. out of sorts. Because of both the pandemic and the Astros’ sign-stealing scandal, there are new protocols in place, and Martinez is lost without the ability to retreat to the video room and break down his swing in between plate appearances. He is Roy Hobbs without Wonderboy. He is Wade Boggs without chicken. He is Nomar Garciaparra without batting gloves to tug on.

Is There A J.D. Martinez Problem?

Shank, stirring things up as always:

Still waiting for the official J. D. Martinez announcement. Anyone starting to wonder if there is a problem?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 22, 2018

...or maybe Martinez flunked the physical?

The Shaughnessy Extrapolation

Here's the column where Shank tells J.D. Martinez how bad the Boston sports media abuse will be when he gets to his first four-game hitless streak.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — There was great energy in the Red Sox clubhouse at JetBlue Park Wednesday morning. J.D. Martinez was in the house, getting a physical and waiting for Scott Boras to arrive. The locker room was positively buoyant as David Price and his Richie Havens beard held court in one corner while other players chatted in front of their stalls.

Enough bullshit - let's cut to the chase:

In this spirit, I hereby submit my own humble advice to J.D. Martinez: Clip and save. Here are the dos and don’ts of playing in Boston.

■ Remove all radios from your home and automobile. No sports talk radio for you. Ever. From now on, it’s Kenny G, Katy Perry, and Beyonce.

Missing from the list - 'Avoid Dan Shaughnessy like the plague'.

■ Blame yourself when things go wrong. Be harder on yourself than any wiseguy columnist or radio shock jock. The late Dennis Johnson was the master of this. He’d rip himself after shooting 2 for 10. Ditto for Bill Walton. After Walton’s first game as a Celtic (a loss in New Jersey), Walton said, “I was a disgrace to the game of basketball.’’ This disarms the media and the fans. How are we going to rip somebody when they’ve already scorched the earth?

And that's Shank, again not even trying to hide it anymore.

The Obligatory J.D. Martinez Column

After bitching about the lack of roster moves by the Red Sox, Shank feigns interest in the J.D. Martinez signing.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Slugger J.D. Martinez is a now a member of the 2018 Boston Red Sox. I haven’t been this excited about a Sox acquisition since Jack Clark was brought on board back in 1991.

Anybody remember Jack Clark? He was the big-money, big-ticket righty slugger who was going to hit 50 homers over the Green Monster. Unfortunately, he hit 28 in his first season, then five in his second season, went bankrupt, and was out of baseball after playing only 221 games with the Red Sox.

Seriously, I love the Martinez signing. What’s not to love? It’s not our $110 million the Sox just committed over the next five seasons. The Sox need homers and Martinez hits homers. He hit 45 last year in a mere 119 games (432 at-bats) with the Tigers and Diamondbacks. Who cares that he is working with his fourth team at the age of 30? There’s no need to be alarmed at the fact that he was released by the Astros in 2014, or traded by the Tigers last summer. He is a certified slugger and brings badly needed home run power to the team that finished last in the American League in homers in 2017.