Missed Golf Column

It looks like Shank wrote his yearly golf column after all.

NORTON — Justin and Jordan.

Jordan and Justin.

I have grown to despise this trite technique of his.

Both 24 years old. Both American. Both golf stars at NCAA football factories. Each one praised at one time or another as the next superstar of golf. Both winners of coveted majors — three for Jordan Spieth, one for Justin Thomas.

If you don't know a lot about these two, it's worth a read.

When Golf Tournaments Were Wicked Pissa

The TPC Boston returns to Norton, MA this weekend. It's now known as the Dell Technologies Championship, formerly known as the Deutsche Bank Championship (likely due to recent financial difficulties).

Since the likes of Tiger Woods, Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer will not be playing, Shank will not show much interest in the event. That is, unless someone's using a portable urinal to take a piss.

Better Solutions Offered

Shank's second installment of the The Deutsche Bank Championship seemed rather bland at first view:

NORTON — It was not a good day for the local kid.

Hopkinton’s Jon Curran, a former Globe All-Scholastic and part of a new generation of Boston sports fans (“We skipped school to go to one of those duck boat parades”), is playing at the Deutsche Bank Championship this weekend and had his worst day of the tourney on Sunday, shooting a 76 in the third round.

The rest of us would be ecstatic with a 76 at TPC Boston, but Curran is playing with the big boys and his three-day total of 4 over par has taken him out of Deutsche Bank contention and severely dented his chances to get to Crooked Stick to play in the coveted and lucrative BMW Championship. Curran started Sunday ranked 69th in the FedEx standings (only the top 70 after Monday’s final round remain in contention), but had double bogeys on holes No. 3, 6, and 15 on Sunday.

A surprisingly unique take from the Shankster on the local golf tournament, given his recent 'efforts'. We're left wondering if Shank actually spoke to Jon?

At times like this, Curran relies on local sports psychologist Dr. Greg Cartin for guidance. Cartin got his start counseling athletes at Somerville and Boston English High Schools and today runs GC3 Performance Consulting. Curran says Cartin keeps him relaxed and focused. It’s all about staying calm and smothering the anger than can eat you up inside.

“I talk to him every day,” said Curran. “I don’t have any goals. Just going out and doing as good as I can every day. Whatever happens, happens. I don’t like to set goals for myself. A goal of mine was to go to BMW and it’s literally driving me insane.’’
...
His path to the big time was not as rapid at Bradley’s. He didn’t get his tour card until 2014, but he’s made the cut in 18 of his last 29 tournaments and pocketed $918,000 when he almost won the Memorial. He currently lives in Jupiter, Fla., and plans to marry a young woman from Barrington, R.I., in Newport Oct. 28.

I would suggest stop talking to Shaughnessy as a first step. Or just kick him in the nuts - problem resolved! A kid making nearly $1 million on the pro tour ought not to be damaged goods, but further encounters with Shank will insure just that. Might want to avoid marriage as well - trust me on this one.

Drive Shanked, Badly

Shank's doing his annual golf column or two, and this year's leading edition sucks as bad as all the others he's written, and maybe even worse:

NORTON — Remember when everyone knew the name of the world’s best golfers?

Arnold Palmer. Jack Nicklaus. Tiger Woods. They were like Mantle, Mays, and DiMaggio. Namath and Brady. Jordan and LeBron.

This is, quite simply, astounding ignorance. Palmer hasn't played PGA golf (excluding the 50+ Seniors Tour) since approximately 1975, Nicklaus since 1977 (ditto), and Tiger's been injured for the past two / three years. In other words, I was thirteen fucking years old by the time The Golden Bear hung up his driver professionally, nearly four god damn decades ago. If that doesn't make it clear that Shank, who clearly does not follow golf, has no business whatsoever writing about golf in an intelligent manner, then nothing does.

The rest of the column is pure formulaic Shank template with respect to first round leader Jason Day - read it at your peril, and don't come bitching to me about not getting that five minutes of your life back. You were warned.

Fore!

The Deutsche Bank Championship started today (apologies for a link to the other Boston Globe dickbag), but I wanted to take a walk down memory lane.

Six years ago, Shank covered this tournament and wrote a column devoted mainly to Tiger Woods' use of a portable bathroom. It was an awful column, even by Shank's low standards.

Shank's Annual Golf Column

...is about as underwhelming as you'd imagine. There's proforma praise for winner Rickie Fowler, a cheap shot at runner-up Henrik Stenson, and Shank's lifelong man crush on Tiger Woods hasn't abated.

A Tiger-starved golf world needs more Rickie, and less Henrik.

Sorry. But you know it’s true. With Tiger Woods’s world ranking down to 266, golf needs a double shot of what the late George Frazier called duende.

More Is Less

Continuing the theme with Sunday's empty and pointless column, Shank writes about yesterday's Deutsche Bank Champoinship in Norton, Mass., won by Henrik Stenson of Sweden.

And what other things has Sweden bestowed upon the world?

NORTON — Thank you, Sweden. Thank you for “Dancing Queen,” the Nobel Prize, Volvos, Ingemar Johansson, Ingrid Bergman, Bjorn Borg, P.J. Axelsson, and the Sedin twins.

Lastly, thanks for Henrik Stenson, winner of the rain-soaked 2013 Deutsche Bank Championship at TPC Boston.

Does this qualify as cheap ethnic stereotyping?

Fortunately, this should be his last golf column for the year. It's not often Shank puts together two successive columns that has many words in them, yet says so little.