Singing A Different Tune

It seems it was only yesterday when Shank was reminding us about Tom Brady's terrible record at Denver (2-7 lifetime). After a 16-3 win yesterday, Shank does his usual 180 degree turn.

Are Patriots this good, or is every other team a Tomato Can?

DENVER — It must be December in the AFC. Chestnuts are roasting on open fires and Tomato Cans are falling down in front of the sons of Bill Belichick.

Enjoy this as long as it lasts, people. You are not likely to see it ever again in professional sports.

It was yet another hat and T-shirt game for the New England Patriots Sunday. Playing one of their best games of the season, the Patriots Trumped the defending Super Bowl champion Denver Broncos, 16-3, at Mile High, winning the AFC East for the eighth consecutive season and the 13th time in the last 14 years. The Patriots are 14-2 in AFC East titles since Tom Brady took over at quarterback in 2001.

For the Patriots, winning the AFC East has become like signing up for Facebook or getting a letter of acceptance from the University of Phoenix. It’s professional sports’ version of a Newton youth soccer participation trophy. All the Patriots have to do to win is show up, play their traditional tight game, and wait for the other guys to make mistakes.

The chorus line of dunce coaches (Cam Cameron?) and bum quarterbacks (Thad Lewis?) populating the AFC East in this century stretches from Orchard Park to Miami Gardens with an annual stop at Exit 16W off the Jersey Turnpike. And the beneficiaries of this abject ineptitude are your New England Patriots — a team that never, ever takes a year off.

Accentuating The Positive

When Shank writes a column about Patriots football, what else comes to mind except Larry Bird?

DENVER — Larry Bird wrote a fine autobiography with our own Bob Ryan in 1989 and the back of the tome included a bonus section in which Larry talked about his favorite and least-favorite arenas.

A sampling: “I don’t like playing in New Jersey. I knew I wasn’t going to like it the first time I walked in the building. I never liked to shoot there . . . There are few places I hate more than the Kingdome . . . I never liked the Silverdome . . . I’ve had some bad games in Oakland, including my 0-for-9 game during my second year . . . It’s always a tough game in Denver, both because of the Nuggets themselves and because of the altitude.’’

OK, it's actually a decent leadup to this:

Which brings us to Tom Brady’s personal House of Horrors — Sports Authority Field at Mile High. Brady is 2-7 in Denver (and one of those was against the Tim Tebow Broncos). In Pedro Martinez parlance, Mile High is Tom Brady’s “Daddy.’’

What follows from here is a paint-by-numbers and 100% completely predictable history of all Tom Brady games in Denver. Throw in a few quotes from Brady & Belichick, and it's a fish wrap.

Nope, Didn't See This One Coming

At long last, Shank finally gets to take that long awaited huge dump on the New England Patriots. Let the second guessing commence!

This never should have happened.

The New England Patriots, a team on a mission that started the season 10-0, are bounced from Super Bowl contention because they outsmarted themselves and wound up having to win a road game in a very tough venue in the AFC Championship game.

The top-seeded Denver Broncos played great defense and beat the Patriots, 20-18, at Sports Authority Field Sunday. Intrepid Tom Brady drove the Pats to a last-minute touchdown and pulled them to within 2 points in the closing seconds, but Brady’s potential game-tying 2-point conversion pass was tipped and intercepted, ending the Patriots season. And so New England’s Revenge Tour that followed the Deflategate mess ended with a whimper in the Mile High City.

Sorry to say this, but the 2015-16 Patriots are something of a myth. They are forever the fortunate champs of the hideous AFC East, but they cannot win a road playoff game. They have not won a road playoff game in more than nine years (San Diego, January 2007).

This team is a myth? What the hell's that supposed to mean? Then again, we should be glad he didn't call them 'frauds'.

Second point - total division wins wins during the regular season, at 36, are shared between the AFC East and the NFC South. Shank is either lying or clueless here, but it allows him to try and dismiss what the Patriots did this year in order to denigrate them by using words like 'myth' and the like.

I wonder how many columns and radio / Comcast Sports Net appearances he'll get out of this?

Embarassing Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Is Shank really watching this game?

If not for Ernie Adams challenge, Pats offense would be shut out in this first half.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

Except it was a) Bill Belichick that, you know, threw the challenge flag, and b) Gostkowski kicking a field goal in the second quarter. Other than that, the tweet was accurate!

UPDATE AT 5:00 PM - The commenters are giving him the business:

@Dan_Shaughnessy they kicked a field goal. Idiot.

— Andrew Caraway (@Caraway6) January 24, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy how do you still have a job?

— Rick Teves(@Sole_Specific) January 24, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy if your mother had wheels, she'd be a wagon

— JC98 (@jasonpcarter) January 24, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy you must be enjoying the sh*t out of this

— Ed Sweet (@133russell) January 24, 2016

Second Guessing A Second Time

Shank, January 3rd:

So . . . the Patriots really don't care about home field vs. Denver in potential AFC championship?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 3, 2016

Shank, about fifteen minutes ago:

Pats went for health and didn't try to beat the Dolphins in season finale. Put them in Denver today. How's that working out so far?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

Shank sure does enjoy his role as the Globe's resident asshole...

Troll Level - High

Shank's bringing his A game today:

Patriots looked scared to me. You?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

We all still laughing at Manning??

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

UPDATE AT 3:31 PM - One more for good measure:

Pats are looking good thus far, no?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

UPDATE AT 3:41 PM Just remember - you don't have to be consistent to be a troll!

Two For Two

How predictable is Shank? This predictable:

No double score today. Dammit!

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

It Begins

The sun will rise, the sun will set, and Shank will tweet about a coin flip before a Patriots game:

Pats have won 28 of last 37 coin flips. A statistical improbabillty. See how this goes today. If Pats will, they will defer. If Pats lose?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

...which is an improvement - a month ago, Shank deemed this an impossibility.

T Minus Two Hours...

The New England Patriots and the Denver Broncos will kick off in under two hours at Sports Authority Field in Denver, and we don't have any stupid, pedestrian and repetitive tweets from Shank regarding the coin flip and or the double score. Is he holding out on us, depriving this site of mockable material, or has he become (like Skynet) self-aware and realize what a jackass these tweets make him look like?

Tune in at 3:00, folks!

No More Perfect Season

Being a douchebag Boston Globe sports columnist means never having to say you're sorry, or were wrong about the previous night's tweets declaring the game as already being won for the Patriots. Today we get a typical Shank column - the standard game recap, a inane Red Sox comparison, omission of a major injury (Donta Hightower's sprained MCL) and some dumb and extremely dated song lyrics.

Back At Ya

Kubiak really had 'em ready. Complete Clown Show by the Broncos in the first quarter.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 30, 2015

@Dan_Shaughnessy says the guy with real life clown hair.

— Uncle Brewski(@Uncle_Brewski) November 30, 2015

UPDATE AT 11/30/2015, 12:05 AM - Wondering if Shank's going to backtrack on that tweet anytime soon, in light of recent events. Not that it will stop him from trashing the Patriots in the column he's feverishly working on right now.

Accentuating The Positive

His eternal optimism is what makes him such an outstanding columnist:

Pats win toss. Defer. This one is over. Double score for sure Damn. Was hoping for a little suspense tonight.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 30, 2015

Johnny One Note - II

Just a guess here, but maybe Shank needs some new pregame material?

Folks here in Denver shivering (wind chill 18) as we await the coin flip in less than 30 min. Wonder if Fraidy Cat Kubiak knows what to do?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 30, 2015

Missed Opportunity

Shank's latest column laments the inability to copy and paste previous columns:

DENVER — This was the game we circled on the calendar when the NFL schedule was released last spring. It was supposed to be Brady-Manning XVII, and less than a month ago there was still a possibility that it might feature the first meeting of 10-0 teams in league history.

Instead, we’re getting Brady-Osweiler I, which lacks a certain gravitas. Oh, and the Broncos have lost two of their last three, and had to work hard to earn a 2-point win over the Chicago Bears last week.

Shank then spares the readers the typical mail-it-in column:

So, we’ll put the Russell-Chamberlain, Ali-Frazier comparisons on the shelf for the weekend. We may have seen the last of Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning.

... only to instead remind you how bad the Patriots suck in Denver:

The Mile High City has not been New England’s friend. It is, instead, where the sidelines are sprinkled with Kryptonite dust. Patriot Superman Brady is an underwhelming 2-5 lifetime in Denver. He’s been on the losing side four times in five tries since that fateful night in 2003 when Bill Belichick ordered long snapper Lonie Paxton to hike the football through New England’s end zone to take a safety. Brady wound up throwing a game-clinching TD pass to David Givens in a 30-26 New England win.

Because Shank's at his best when one of the hometown teams is at its worst.

Making A Statement

The New England Patriots rolled against the Denver Broncos yesterday, 43-21 at Gillette Stadium. Unable to take shots at head coach Bill Belichick or the Kraft family, Shank devotes a column to the game instead.

FOXBOROUGH — Now everything changes.

Before Sunday, the Patriots were suspect. Sure, they were 6-2, resting in their comfy spot atop the suddenly competitive Warhol, but we were waiting for a victory that would make them legit. Crushing the mail-it-in-Bears at Gillette Stadium did not do the trick. Ditto for a win over the ever-ordinary Bills in Orchard Park. Beating the Bengals seemed like a big deal at the time, but that was before Marvin Lewis and his players again demonstrated their limitations.

And so we gathered at the Razor on a blustery Sunday in November and wondered if this would be the day the Patriots would make a statement.

And they did.

New England 43, Denver 21. It was Tom Brady over Peyton Manning, Julian Edelman over Wes Welker, Rob Gronkowski over T.J. Ward . . . and Bill Belichick over Grady Fox . . . and Harvey Leonard.

Because a column by Shank just isn't complete without a reference to the Boston Red Sox!

It’s hard to believe now that as recently as Sept. 29 we had Trent Dilfer declaring that the Patriots are “not good anymore,’’ and there was some local conversation about maybe trading Brady, who appeared to be in “serious decline.’’ We groused about New England’s swiss cheesy offensive line and the arrogant trading of Logan Mankins.

And who does grousing better then Shank?

Door Number Two Taken

Let the record state that the vast majority of this Brady / Manning column are repeated themes, and then some, from the six columns mentioned & linked to one post below, or seven columns if you include the substantially duplicate column for SI on November 22, 2010.

Boxer Jake LaMotta, now 93, likes to tell folks, “I fought Sugar Ray Robinson so many times, it’s a wonder I don’t have diabetes.’’

Sunday afternoon in Foxborough we’ll throw the curtain back for Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady — the NFL’s “1812 Overture” — for the 16th time since Brady became New England’s starting quarterback in 2001.

It’s a wonder Brady doesn’t wake up at night shouting “Omaha!’’ Maybe Manning will arrive at Gillette Stadium wearing UGG boots.

These three paragraphs appear to be the only original ones in the entire column, except for that cutesy '1812 Overture' phrase that he lifted from someone else, natch. And he has the nerve to go around calling other people frauds?

At least he's not stupid enough to outright copy & paste half the column, is he?

I Figure The Odds Be Fifty-Fifty

Don't you think Shank owes his massive and long-standing readership base a hot take on tomorrow's Patriots / Broncos game? Will he serve up a bland team matchup / revenge factor column?

Or - will he think outside of the box and compare & contrast the two Hall of Fame quarterbacks like he did with this column, or this column, or this column (which, in an amazing coincidence, has enough common elements with this column he did for si.com the very next day that SI finally got rid of him for serial column reuse & abuse), or this column, or this column, or this column? Time will tell!

Out of Place

Maybe you've heard Bill Belichick and the Patriots are not playing in the Super Bowl this weekend.

If so, would you please inform The CHB. Because I don't think he knows.

Else, why would he ask Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker, "Why does Bill hate you?"  (Appropriately, Welker replied by saying that's a question for his former coach.)

Then Shank rips on Randy Moss ("one of those wildly talented ballplayers who hated and disrespected the media during his playing career, then joined the media as soon as the paychecks stop coming"), all the while not fully realizing that the ex player was far more able to ask relevant questions (and extract relevant answers) from Welker.

Being shown up by Moss, no one's definition of Einstein, would be enough to send most self-respecting humans sportswriters back to their caves.

Not Shaughnessy. He tries once more to divine Welker's thoughts: "He’s also driven to win a Super Bowl. For himself. And to stick it in Bill’s face one more time."

Does anyone really think, on the even of the biggest game in American sports, Welker is giving his former coach a second thought?

Of course not. But even at the Super Bowl, The CHB has to try to stir up trouble.

Familiar With The Subject Matter

This is the second chapter from yesterday's column, the 2013-2014 New England Patriot's epitaph.

Bill Belichick obviously hates Wes Welker

DENVER — A day later, some clarity.

We know for sure now that Bill Belichick hates Wes Welker with the power of 1,000 suns. Belichick blames Welker for dropping a pass that cost him a Super Bowl ring two years ago.

Does anyone recall Bill Belichick actually saying anything explicit about this? I sure don't recall it, and a quick check of the archives don't mention anything specifically about that game and it's aftermath.

But then the game started, and it was obvious. Tom Brady had no one to throw the ball to. Amendola, the man who replaced Welker, was targeted only once and dropped the throw, a no-show performance that would put the Celtics’ Jeff Green to shame. Meanwhile, Welker — Peyton Manning’s fourth option in the Broncos’ pinball offense — caught four passes for 38 yards.

Welker also took Aqib Talib out of the game with a pick-play block.

And now Belichick hates him more than ever.

This, from a columnist that has criticized and run out of town more athletes than I have time to write about.

Belichick has been unusually contrite these last couple of days. Sunday he talked of “mistakes, especially by me,’’ and Monday he said, “Nobody makes more mistakes around here than I do.’’

Everyone forgives you, Bill. You took this team much further than it deserved to go. But some of the mistakes were made last spring and summer. And letting Welker go was one of those mistakes.

He’s going to the Super Bowl. And the Patriots are picking up pieces of their broken luck. Again.

You can almost picture Shank with a shit-eating grin when he's writing this column, can't you?

Wilt! Get It?

Today's column by Shank looks at Peyton Manning and his performances in playoff games, and speculates on Manning's performance on Sunday against Tom Brady and the New England Patriots.

Peyton Manning can’t afford to wilt now

Patriots fans think the Patriots are going to win Sunday because they are confident Tom Brady will play better than Peyton Manning in any big game.

Manning will choke.

That’s the book.

A case can be made that, excluding Super Bowls, this AFC Championship is the biggest, grandest, most-hyped NFL contest of the last 50 years. It’s the 15th playing of the NFL’s 1812 Overture. Bill Belichick has a chance to tie Tom Landry as the winningest playoff coach in NFL history. Brady is already the winningest quarterback in postseason history (18 victories as a starter), and with one more championship, he can join Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw in the exclusive four-ring club.

Fair enough. Shank, however, overstates a few facts to support his column.

It’s amazing. Manning has morphed into Wilt Chamberlain. Despite all the awards (Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year in 2013) and commercials, he is disrespected on a par with no athlete this side of Alex Rodriguez.

Except that this statement isn't true with Manning's peers:

As part of ESPN's NFL Nation Confidential survey of more than 320 players, the questions were asked, "If you had to start a team with one player, whom would it be?" and "Which player do you respect the most?"

And Manning was the top choice for both.

Manning was the leading vote-getter as first pick to start a team, with 62 votes (19 percent). Andrew Luck, who replaced Manning in Indianapolis, received 56 votes, and Tom Brady was third with 41 votes.

More from Shank:

Oh, and you know the rest of it. Imagine how great Tom Brady would be if he’d had Manning’s receivers through the years. Tom never had Reggie Wayne or Marvin Harrison.

Except that Tom had, over the years (among others) Troy Brown, Wes Welker, Randy Moss, Gronk and Aaron Hernandez. Not exactly third-tier receivers and tight ends.

Manning never had the defenses that Brady had in New England.

I don't recall the Colts having bad defenses, and when you throw in names like Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders, you could say that the Colts had pretty good defenses. With Denver, their defense has improved during the year and played well against San Diego last week.

You almost get the sense that Shank's backtracking a bit from Wednesday's column.