A Record Setting Patriots Team

No matter what happens in tonight's Super Bowl, Shank's here to remind us that the New England Patriots will be setting a record, win or lose:

The Patriots have been our region’s best local sports franchise this century, and it’s not even close

SAN FRANCISCO — When the 60th Super Bowl is over and confetti is sprinkled across Levi’s Stadium’s natural grass surface, the Patriots will have a new place in NFL history.

They will be the winningest team in the game’s archives, with Bob Kraft hoisting a seventh Lombardi Trophy toward the California sky . . .

. . . or they will be the losingest team in Super Bowl history, moving ahead (behind?) of the Broncos with a sixth defeat in the ultimate game.

The Patriots already hold an NFL record with 11 Super Bowl appearances. Sunday’s joust with the favored Seahawks gives New England four more Super Bowls than the Steelers, Cowboys, 49ers, and Broncos.

In the 21st century, the Patriots have been our region’s best local sports franchise, and it’s not even close.

The new millennium Red Sox have won four championships, the Celtics two, and the Bruins won the Stanley Cup in Vancouver in 2011. That’s seven trophies since 2004 compiled by the Sox, C’s, and B’s.

Thanks for the reminder, Shank!

No Respect?

Continuing in the 'sideshow' theme of his last column, Shank now plays the Rodney Dangerfield card:

Hall of Fame snubs, Tom Brady’s indifference: The Patriots are feeling plenty disrespected before the Super Bowl

SAN FRANCISCO — Game day is almost upon us and New England’s Disrespect Card gets heavier by the hour.

This is the Patriots’ 10th trip to the Super Bowl this century and by now we know the drill: Your Pats can’t be in a Super Bowl without equal helpings of “they hate us cuz they ain’t us” and “nobody thought we could do it.”

New England’s season presented as warm and fuzzy for four months, right through the AFC Championship game. Football America seemed freshly receptive to the fresh-faced Drake Maye-Mike Vrabel Patriots. Everybody loves a humble team short on star power. After five post-Brady seasons of finger-pointing and losing, the coming-out-of-nowhere Patriots were kind of lovable.

Frankly, it felt a little unnatural, traveling with a team that suddenly has fans across the land.

But events since snowy Denver have rekindled anti-Patriot themes that followed your favorite franchise during two dynasty decades at the beginning of this century. It started when we learned that Bill Belichick and Bob Kraft were snubbed in Pro Football Hall of Fame voting.

It's Always Something With These Guys

It looks like Shank's at the Super Bowl this week, so let's look at some past Patriots Super Bowls and the side themes:

Super Bowl week is seldom about the game when it involves the Patriots

SAN FRANCISCO — It’s always something with the Patriots during Super Bowl week.

Seriously. Can’t New England’s Flying Elvises just show up and play a football game? Can’t they be like every other Super Bowl team and inspire normal grid speak about cover-2, read-option, long snapping, and “contain?”

Nope. When the Patriots come to the Super Bowl, we get a big bowl of distraction. In a record 12 trips to the ultimate game, the Patriots have alternately made the Super Bowl about cocaine, a coach-owner squabble, spying, perfection, ideal gas laws, and revenge.

Now the Patriots are back with a lovable, underdog team that won only four games in each of the last two seasons. Drake Maye, New England’s ah-shucks quarterback, and his wife are America’s Sweethearts and there’s barely been any controversy on the path to Sunday’s game at Levi’s Stadium.

All of which makes it unfortunate that instead of Patriots-Seahawks, we’re talking about Patriots owner Robert Kraft and former longtime coach Bill Belichick both getting blocked from the Pro Football Hall of Fame . . . and Kraft’s name in the Epstein files . . . and MAGA Bob’s new bestie, the polarizing president of the United States.

DHL Dan CCXL - Threat Level Reduced

Super Bowl 59 (or LIX for you fellow Roman Numeral dorks) is on the horizon, Shank says 'fear not, Patriots fans':

No matter what happens on Sunday, the Chiefs are no threat to the Patriots’ dynasty, and other thoughts

Picked-up pieces while at Star Market buying a Super Bowl sheet cake with tiny goal posts . . .

▪ Don’t be threatened, Patriots fans. The Kansas City Chiefs pose no threat to the greatest dynasty in the history of the NFL.

The Chiefs are slight favorites to win their third consecutive Super Bowl Sunday in New Orleans against the Eagles. Not surprisingly, a portion of paranoid and ever-defensive Pats fans (folks still talking about the ideal gas law and “The Wells Report In Context”) fear that a Kansas City victory will somehow tarnish the legacy of the Bill Belichick-Tom Brady Patriots.

Fear not, you footie-pajama-wearing Pats fans.

Taylor Swift or no Taylor Swift, the Chiefs aren’t going to top the Patriots.

Andy Reid will never be better than Bill.

Travis Kelce will never be better than Gronk.

And Patrick Mahomes will never be better than Tom.

It’s all about the numbers.

DHL Dan CLVIII - Super Bowl LVII Coverage

Today's venue for the Super Bowl brings back memories for Shank:

This year’s Super Bowl site brings back Patriots memories, and other thoughts

Picked-up pieces while buying a Super Bowl sheet cake at Stop & Shop …

▪ There have been two Super Bowls played at State Farm Stadium in Glendale, Ariz., the site of Sunday night’s matchup between the Chiefs and Eagles.

The Patriots were in both.

One good.

One bad.

Let’s go in chronological order.

Nah - Shank saves the worst for last!

It's All About Boston?

Or - The One Where Shank Decides To Troll Some Readers:

Remember when Super Bowl Week was all about us and the Patriots?

Super Bowl Week used to be our week. We’d invade a host city and bring you Patriot stories for a full six days before the big game. Media Day. Radio Row. The commissioner’s annual press conference. Nonsense. Substance. Parties. Rock stars. The whole nine yards.

Covering the Patriots put us on the scene nine times between 2002 and 2019. We went to New Orleans, Houston, Jacksonville, Glendale (Ariz.), Indianapolis, Glendale again, Houston, Minneapolis, and Atlanta. We saw the St. Louis Rams in New Orleans and the Los Angeles Rams in Atlanta. The Patriots beat both Carolina and Atlanta in Houston, and lost to the Giants in both Arizona and Indy.

DHL Dan CXXIII - Super Bowl Recycling

What better way is there to write about tomorrow's Super Bowl than rehasing one of your old columns?

Recalling another high-stakes Brady-Mahomes matchup, and other thoughts

Recalling, recycling - it's all the same!

Picked-up pieces while picking up a Super Bowl sheet cake at Star Market …

▪ Super Bowl LV is easily framed as Tom Brady vs. Patrick Mahomes, quite possibly the top pairing of quarterbacks in the 55-year history of this event. Those of us lucky enough to be at Arrowhead Stadium on Jan. 20, 2019, will never forget the first championship matchup of the GOAT vs. NFL Future.

It was the biggest game in the 47-year history of Arrowhead at that time, and the Patriots cut the hearts out of the frozen local fans by keeping a lid on Mahomes and bolting to a 14-0 halftime lead. New England led, 17-7, at the end of three quarters before a flurry of scoring filled the fourth. Both teams scored twice in the final 3:32 of regulation and it went to overtime tied, 31-31.

The original column can be found here. The rest of the Picked Up Pieces column is the usual stuff - shit on the Red Sox, shit on Curt Schilling, a silly quiz, etc.

The Royal We

Shank takes a stab at trolling Patriots Nation on Super Bowl weekend:

NOT MIAMI — No Super Bowl party this year. No Star Market sheet cake with little plastic goalposts and a gridiron painted in frosting. No carefully planned delivery of chicken wings Sunday at 6 p.m. No bet on the over/under, or on how many times Tom Brady will be mentioned by the TV commentators in the first 10 minutes.

Sure, we reluctantly will watch the Kansas City Chiefs and San Francisco 49ers at the appointed time, but we don’t really care which team wins. We have no dog in this fight. The Super Bowl will be played Sunday night in Hard Rock Stadium, but we are not into this game the way we’ve devoured it almost annually since the turn of the century.

Super Bowl LIV unfolds on Fox Sunday at 6:30 p.m. Swell. Why would we care? This game does not involve Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the New England Patriots. After all those years of No Days Off, we find ourselves with Too Many Days Off.

That's impressive bandwagon commandeering right there, folks!

In addition to the offense committed by ordering chicken wings and not grilling them yourself, Shank also pretends to be a fan as noted above just so he can take a shit on everybody. Nice guy, isn't he?

Dull Game, Dull Column

It's nice that the New England Patriots won last night, as it spares us from Shank taking a world-class shit on the team. What we get instead is one of the most predictable and cliche-filled columns in his 'storied' career.

ATLANTA — Take those old records off the shelf. The Patriots on Sunday night joined the Steelers as the winningest team in Super Bowl history, securing their sixth Lombardi Trophy with a 13-3 victory over the Los Angeles Rams at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

This one will not go into the vault as an instant classic. It was a punt-filled rock fight that will best be remembered for New England’s staunch defense and a Rams offense that set records for futility. It was 3-3 after three quarters and the Patriots “broke it open” when Tom Brady came to life and directed a 69-yard touchdown drive to give the Patriots a 10-3 lead with seven minutes left.
....
New England fans were the coveted “12th man” in the season finale. Almost 1,100 miles from Foxborough, the Super Bowl turned into a virtual home game for the Sons of Bob Kraft. It was as if the crowd was culled from extras who auditioned for “Mystic River” and “The Departed.’’ It’s safe to assert that more than half the fans at Sunday’s game have eaten at a Wahlburgers at one time or another.
...
Poor Goff. Hearing Gladys Knight sing the anthem was too much for the man. LA was too much for the man.

All that, and less, at the link.

Shank's Last Super Bowl LIII Column

Most of us were expecting other column themes from Shank - the paint-by-numbers quarterback comparisons, Shank's attempts at trolling major cities, etc., but we've seen none of that, which is a pleasant surprise.

Super Bowl week has been all about the Patriots

ATLANTA — Another Super Bowl . . . nine in 18 years . . . the Patriot Way is the only way . . . again.

This must be what it feels like to have more money than you can count. You have a garage full of Bentleys, multiple vacation homes around the world, and lose track of where you placed your Rolex watch.

So. Much. Winning.

The Patriots have been to so many of these mega-games that it becomes a little hard to remember specifics. The sites, the big plays, and the ancillary events start to blur. The Patriots have played Atlanta in Houston, and now they are playing Los Angeles in Atlanta. They have played Super Bowls against the New York Giants in two different cities. They played the Rams when the Rams were in St. Louis, and Sunday they are playing the Rams, who now hail from Los Angeles.

The other elements of a typical Shank column are there, of course - fake praise for the New England Patriots, hyperbole, and all that. I'll just note that this column's pretty good, and his other columns (three others) were as well. When compared to other Super Bowl run-ups for the previous two years, less is more.

Oh - one last thing:

...
The Patriots are only 2½-point favorites, but it feels like everybody’s picking New England. And all the money is being bet on the Patriots. This does not guarantee victory, of course, but given their experience in the big games (the Patriots have 37 players with Super Bowl experience, the Rams have four) and the momentum from wins over the Chargers and Chiefs, it’s hard to fathom the Patriots losing.

You folks know why that partial sentence is in there, correct?

Another International Man Of Mystery

While we await the proforma Shank column comparing Tom Brady to his Los Angeles Rams counterpart (Jared Goff), we'll have to settle for more fake palace intrigue.

Who is the mysterious Berj Najarian, Bill Belichick’s right-hand man?

ATLANTA — He is Tom Hagen in “The Godfather.’’ He is Doug Stamper on “House of Cards.’’

What's this? A 21^st century pop culture reference? Impressive!

He is Berj Najarian, consigliere to Bill Belichick. He is The Man To See if you want to see Bill.

“You’re never going to get to Bill unless you go through Berj,’’ said Scott Zolak, a Patriot insider for three decades. “Berj is the guy who dictates who Bill talks to.’’

“Everybody knows Berj runs the show down there,’’ added Troy Brown, a three-time Super Bowl winner with Belichick. “You had to go to Berj for everything. You’d walk in the front door and the first guy you’d see is Berj. He was in charge the whole time I was there.’’

Najarian is one of the most powerful figures on the Boston sports landscape, yet most fans have never heard of him. There isn’t much to find about him on the Internet. Najarian makes no sound and leaves no footprints.

Is he on loan from the mob? Is he a Russian agent or a contract hitman? Read on to find out!

Enjoying The Bar Scene?

Shank's latest Super Bowl column is a tad innovative:

Atlanta’s hospitality outshines its sports history

Is this a column, in typical Shank fashion, where he manages to piss off a large number of people even if it looks like he's paying them a compliment?

ATLANTA — Is this the next championship dateline of our local sports high renaissance?

The Patriots have won two Super Bowls in Houston. They won one in New Orleans, one in Jacksonville, and one in (gulp) Glendale, Ariz., where they also lost one. The Red Sox in this century have won World Series in St. Louis, Denver, Boston, and Los Angeles. The Celtics won their 17th title on the parquet floorboards of Causeway Street in 2008, while the 2010-11 Bruins had to go all the way to Vancouver to win their first Stanley Cup since 1972.

Now Atlanta. Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Is this the next destination on Boston’s new millennium championship tour?

Short answer - hell, yeah!

Folks here are still a little sensitive about Super Bowl LI, in which the Patriots pantsed the Falcons two years ago. You might remember it as the 28-3 game. In this spirit, it is not polite to wear your 28-3 jersey on your JetBlue flight to Atlanta this week. It’s a little rude. No need to rub it in. Folks here still think Bob Kraft was mean for putting 283 diamonds in the team’s championship rings that year. A bit much, no?

Not at all - let's write a column that fans the flames, like Sherman marching on... Atlanta.

Let The Cliches Fly!

You know the slew of Super Bowl stories would be pretty strained in terms of subject matter and content. I present yet another such column from His Shankness:

Super Bowl coaching matchup is a clash of generations

ATLANTA — Bill Belichick vs. Sean McVay.

It’s the Baby Boomer vs. the Millennial.

It’s your father’s Oldsmobile vs. the Mazda MX-5 Miata

It’s The Old Man And The Seedling. Woodstock meets Coachella. Wayne Newton vs. Wayne’s World.

Welcome to Super Bowl LIII.

Some 'welcome'...

The coach of the Patriots is 66 years old. The coach of the Rams is 33 years old. We could also mention that the quarterback of the Patriots is 17 years older than the quarterback of the Rams, but for today let’s confine the discussion to the two head coaches.

Right - because that'll give him another column for tomorrow or Wednesday using the same column template he's been using for decades now.

You can practically write the rest of the column yourself, knowing how predictable (and thus boring) it is. Whether you want to actually read it is another question.

No Heavy Lifting Required - III

Shank bangs out a column about the Patriots' first Super Bowl win, against the (same) Rams team that we'll be facing next Sunday.

The first one is always the best one.

On Feb. 3, 2002, the upstart, underdog New England Patriots beat the St. Louis Rams, 20-17, in Super Bowl XXXVI in the Louisiana Superdome.

It was the upset of upsets. And it still resonates 17 years later as the 2018-19 Patriots — owned, coached, and quarterbacked by the same three men who conquered the Rams in 2002 — attempt to win their sixth Super Bowl on the same date against the same opponent next weekend in Atlanta.

It's about what you'd expect - a paint-by-numbers recap of the game and not too much else of interest.

International Man Of Mystery

Someone on Twitter resurfaced this informative column by his Shankness from four years ago, picked up off of Shank's Twitter feed:

The Patriots’ man behind the curtain

Is little-known Bill Belichick confidant Ernie Adams the secret to the Patriots’ success?

By Dan Shaughnessy | Globe Staff

And - he's got a BatPhone!

PHOENIX — You can see the Ernie Hotline in the phone bank near the Patriots bench. Sometimes when Bill Belichick is prowling and scowling on the sideline, you get a glimpse of the wall of black phones behind the coach.

Under an NFL-shielded Microsoft Surface blue awning, in the middle of the row of old-timey wall phones, there is one handset with a strip of red tape affixed to the receiver. Somebody with a black Sharpie has identified the man on the other end of this line.

The five letters run from top to bottom of the handpiece.

E

R

N

I

E

Who is Ernie Adams? What does he do? These are the eternal questions surrounding the Mystery Man of the Patriots.

Again - this is a good / solid column, and showcases what Shank can do when he's not ragging on the local teams and / or searching for that soft spot on your back before he sinks the shiv in.

Whatever, Shank

Reaching into the bottom of the barrel for a silly thing to write about the upcoming Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the Los Angeles Rams, Shank pulls this theme out:

‘Beat LA’ doesn’t work for Patriots-Rams — it’s strictly for Celtics-Lakers

I’m having trouble getting into the “Beat LA” mind-set as we begin the endless preparation for Super Bowl LIII in Atlanta, Feb. 3. Much as I’d like to go all Magic Johnson/Dancing Barry, East Coast vs. West Coast, gritty Boston vs. Showtime LA, it just isn’t working for me.

The Patriots are playing the Los Angeles Rams, but does this feel anything like Celtics-Lakers? Would the prospect of Trey Flowers sacking Jared Goff remind anyone of Kevin McHale’s clothesline takedown of Kurt Rambis?

We tried to push the Boston-LA theme when the Red Sox played the Dodgers in the World Series just three months ago, but it never really took hold. Certainly Sox fans enjoyed booing Manny Machado, but there was no deep-seated Hub hatred at the sight of Dodger blue. There was no Fenway Park vs. Dodger Stadium, no Joe Castiglione vs. Vin Scully, no Yaz vs. Sandy Koufax.

Everybody in Boston loves Dodgers manager Dave Roberts, and we never got caught up in the substance-vs.-style comparisons that marked Celtics-Lakers wars through the decades.

A good column, actually, I just thought the whole thing a bit silly, but that's the nature of a fair amount of Super Bowl stories.

Shameless Shank Shaughnessy - II

Not content to bury the New England Patriots with a single column, Shank now trains his sights on coach Bill Belichick, practically screaming I WANT ANSWERS! like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.

MINNEAPOLIS — How are you feeling about your coach today, Patriot fans?

Still got “Do Your Job” and “No Days Off” tattooed somewhere on your body? Still blissfully living the life of “In Bill We Trust”? Still applauding the coach for giving the media the finger every time we ask Bill Belichick a football question? Still believe his decisions are none of anybody’s business?

I sense a crack in the blind loyalty the Hoodie traditionally receives from Patriot Nation. The Patriots lost a very winnable Super Bowl Sunday night in some part because Bill benched cornerback Malcolm Butler for some undisclosed infraction or violation of the Patriot code.

The only time this guy ever seems to get off his ass to bang out multiple columns in a 24 hour time span is to showboat and exact revenge, as he tries to do here.

UPDATE AT 5:47 PM - Lovely, and I believe a first time for this sort of thing - Drudge linked to this story. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

Shameless Shank Shaughnessy

Get a load of this fucking column. Shank was writing, facetiously or otherwise, for a fortnight that the Eagles would not present a challenge to the Patriots and with last night's loss he does a complete 180 degree turn, which should surprise nobody who's familiar with Shank's 'work'.

MINNEAPOLIS — There was no incredible Patriots comeback this time. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick had the Patriots in position to shock the world once again, but on this night there was no crucial call overturned by video review, no Tuck Rule, no goofy decision from the rival sideline, no fanboy judge or league official to flip the script in favor of the Patriots in the final seconds.

Hard as it is to believe, the Patriots lost the Super Bowl Sunday night at U.S. Bank Stadium and they lost to the better team. Philadelphia’s backup quarterback, Nick Foles, had the right stuff and second-year coach Doug Pederson outfoxed The Hoodie as the championship-starved Eagles won their first Super Bowl, a 41-33 pinball special against the mighty Patriots.

Here's Shank using the passive voice in order not to put any blame on himself:

After weeks of mocking Patriots opponents we have seen the Tomato Cans and they are . . . the members of the Patriots’ defense.

The Patriots trailed for almost the entire game. The contest featured only one punt (Philadelphia), and the teams amassed more than 1,100 yards of total offense.

If you're of the mind to read further, don't bother - it's the standard game recap and Shank doing what he loves doing - burying a local professional sports team after a big loss.

No Heavy Lifting Required - II

It was only yesterday that I thought the run-up to the Super Bowl can make it difficult to come up with interesting themes to write about. It just got worse!

I'll bold the really stupid parts (which surprisingly, isn't the whole damn paragraph):

They make up the greatest quarterback/coach combination in NFL history. Five Super Bowl championships in seven appearances with another possible Sunday in Minneapolis against the Eagles. You could argue they couldn’t have done it without each other, but if you were forced to choose who is more responsible for the Patriots’ success, Tom Brady or Bill Belichick, who would you choose? We asked Globe columnists Dan Shaughnessy, Christopher L. Gasper, and Tara Sullivan to do just that. It wasn’t easy.

There's a reason for that - it's stupid, simplistic and insulting to anyone that follows sports. It's another lazy column template that Shank trots out a few times a year. It's also a hypothetical, so you're not saying anything of real value - it's closer to gossip than anything else. Did we ever hear similar arguments in the past (Chicago Bulls - Michael Jordan & Phil Jackson, etc.) or is the media just using a new and boring tactic to antagonize us again / still? You could just say something trite like 'it takes two to tango' and be done with it, not to mention your 52 other teammates that do the 'little things' like block for the quarterback, catch his passes, play defense and stuff like that.

I will give the man some credit - Shank thinks it's stupid, too:

Dan Shaughnessy

I hate the question. We shouldn’t have to choose. The fair, measured position would be to say that Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are equally responsible for the Patriots dynasty of the last 17 years. The Patriots coach is the greatest of all time. The Patriots quarterback is the greatest of all time. Call it 50/50.

But we can’t do that here in 2018. This is an era of click baits and hot takes. The barking dogs of sports radio and television serve as the soundtrack of our sporting lives. Meanwhile, a splashy story in ESPN suggested that there’s tension at the top of the Patriots pyramid because egos are clashing and there’s competition over who’ll get the lion’s share of the credit when
the history of these Gillette glory days is written.

So we are forced to choose and I choose the coach — by 1/one-millionth of a percentage point.

Well, he thinks it's stupid - until he writes his next column asking you who's better - Celtics or Bruins?

I don't even want to read the rest of it. It's another tired theme that makes me lose interest as soon as I see the headline.

One other thing - you know what's really gonna make you lose interest immediately? Tomorrow night's Super Bowl halftime show! I tried my best not to ape Shank and go all 'get off my lawn' on the guy, but I despise Justin Timberlake. This fucking no-talent boy band hack is famous for one thing, and that's his part in the 2004 'Nipplegate' Super Bowl halftime show with Janet Jackson, sporting one small breast (big whoop), and the NFL is chump enough to let him embarrass them a second time. He embodies just about everything that's wrong with today's music industry - bland, corporate, bereft of skill. The Social Network was among one of the worst movies ever made, right down there with Ishtar. And you know what's gonna make it all complete clusterfuck / world-class dumpster fire of biblical proportions? He's going on stage and doing one of his 'songs'... with a hologram of Prince, who's been dead for over a year. When you suck as bad as Timberlake, you need to pull out all the stops to ruin a sporting event as best you can. The really ironic part of this? When he was alive, it was reported that Prince cannot stand Timberlake, most likely because the latter is a no-talent hack.

This is going to be by far and away the absolute worst, shit on the bottom of your shoes halftime show in history. It's gonna suck big, hairy donkey balls in the worst way possible. If I wasn't doing my normal halftime duties (dishwashing at a friend's house), I'd be throwing knives & dishes at the TV set. I can't wait to watch this asshole's career evaporate on that stage tomorrow.

A Night On The Town

You think Shank's picking up the tab? Me neither.

Dinner at the Radisson downtown Minneapolis. #reasonable #wheresmarge? #fargo #youbetcha pic.twitter.com/DxRIZmKkZ5

— Jim McBride (@globejimmcbride) February 3, 2018