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Friday, October 13, 2006

Kill Bill vol. 2

Sorry, I couldn't resist. Today's hack job is merely one volume in Dan's ongoing tome, "How to Gratuitously Slander Popular Public Figures Out of Personal Pettiness." It will be put next to Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" in the self-help section of your local bookstore, just as a good way to show Carnegie buyers what NOT to do. Anyway, onto the column:
I was shelling peanuts and hardly paying attention as Tony La Russa delivered a rambling answer to a pregame question regarding the expanded format of today's baseball playoffs.
We learn two things from this line. First, Dan doesn't listen to his interview subjects. This should hardly surprise anyone, since he misquotes them and takes them out of context so often. Second, he appears not to like Tony La Russa. Add another successful well-known figure to the list of people Dan doesn't like. Anyone see a pattern developing here? How snobby of you, Dan. Why would you brag that you don't listen when other people are talking? That's appallingly rude, especially for a guy who's PAID to listen.

(For the record, I don't like Tony La Russa, either. He's whiny and he wears sunglasses in the dark. That bothers me, and I'm not joking. Plus he tends to throw his injured players under the bus. See Rolen, Scott and Edmonds, Jim.)
Whoa. It is what it is. That got my attention. Brought me back to Gillette Stadium. It is what it is is the ultimate Bill Belichick phrase. When Belichick is rightfully honored with his image on a silver dollar, It is what it is will replace E Pluribus Unum. It is the mantra of the Church of Belichick. It explains everything and it explains nothing (try it out on your wife or boss next time you're in trouble), which makes it the perfect Belichick answer.
"Image on a silver dollar?" "Church of Belichick?" I don't even know what to do with this paragraph, that is how awful it is. Seriously, Dan, what is your problem with Belichick? He's not good for soundbites? His sense of fashion offends you? He's, I don't know, smart and successful, sort of like Theo Epstein? Cut the sarcastic deification before I throw up. It's a tired act and nobody's actually absorbing any of your point of view. Of course, maybe that's why you keep trying to beat us all over the head with it.
Standing behind the batting cage, the two gods of game-calling talked for a solid hour while the Cardinals took batting practice. Had they been joined by pompous Phil Jackson, we'd have had a sports Yalta -- the greatest collection of coaching geniuses ever assembled -- with the obvious exception of anyplace Red Auerbach ever went.
For the record, "pompous" Phil Jackson is not on the same level as Belichick and Auerbach. I don't think La Russa really is, either, but I guess that's debatable.

Also, "sports Yalta?" I guess I'm more insulting the readership here, but I'd bet a significant amount of money that the percentage of readers who know what the Yalta conference was and who was there is below 40.

(It was a 1945 conference between FDR, Stalin, and Churchill where they agreed upon how to deal with Nazi Germany after its surrender and Stalin agreed to help the US in Japan after the war in Europe was over, by the way.)
Belichick acknowledges knowing little about baseball.
Yeah, and I'd bet another significant amount of money that Belichick's slight knowledge of baseball is a lot more than other people's slight knowledge of baseball.
Belichick wore a La Russa jersey to his press conference Tuesday at Gillette Stadium. He looked like one of those 54-year-old goobers you see wearing Curt Schilling shirts to Fenway.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Shaughnessy. So verbose and creative that he resorts to calling people "goobers." Are you kidding me, Dan? And what in the world is wrong with 54-year-old men wearing Schilling jerseys? At what arbitrary point does that start to offend you? I have a Big Papi t-shirt, is that also gooberish? Grow up. "Goobers?" Seriously.
The Patriots coach gave up baseball for lacrosse at an early age. He's got square eyes from watching so much football film, which leaves little time for baseball viewing.
I don't even know what the last sentence means. "Square eyes?" Huh? I'll assume it's an insult, since it usually is.
``I really don't understand it that well," he said after his hour with the Cardinals hardball master. ``I was in the dugout with him in spring training and I couldn't believe how much was involved. He calls every pitch. Every pitch! He's involved with the pitcher stepping off the rubber and moving guys in the outfield, figuring out whether they're going to steal, whether they're going to squeeze. It was fascinating."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Tony La Russa is the exception here, not the rule. Most managers let their catchers call the majority of the pitches, and the pitcher decides whether he wants to step off the rubber. This just furthers my impression that La Russa is a whiny, micro-managing control freak, but perhaps I'm biased.
Whatever you say, Coach. I mean . . . it is what it is.
This column is a piece of rubbish. I mean. . .it is what it is.

17 comments:

Objectivebruce said...

Does anyone have any idea what she's babbling about?

Beth said...

ignoring the troll...

speaking of having no idea what a person is babbling about, though--how did a column about the baseball playoffs turn into a belichick slam-fest?

oh, right.

michael said...

Does anyone have any idea what she's babbling about?

Not me; I was eating peanuts the whole time, so I was distracted.

dbvader said...

Classis Shank. Uses sarcasm so that he cannot be quoted slamming Belichick and LaRussa. If a reader would challenge him regarding this column, he will claim that he meant everything literally.

The Chief said...

I couldn't figure out what the hell The CHB was trying to say.

As Steve Martin once said, "When you tell a story, it's nice to have a point at the end. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener."

fadedredsoxhat said...

I don't think CHB knows what he was talking about. Just another lazy day on the job.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mr. Objective - Any comment on his use of the word Goobers?

jenny said...

Dan missed the breaking news:

Theo finally signed his contract

Cue the column tomorrow about how Dan bringing this to everyone's attention pushed him into signing it, and now Dan is the savior of Red Sox Nation because if Young Theo decides to run away from home again, the Red Sox get compensation now! Or something like that.

Objectivebruce said...

Huh?

dbvader said...

Obtusebruce,
You are as predictable as Shank. You don't want to answer a question, so you claim you cannot understand it. "You've learned much, young one."

Has he given you any hair tips also?

ObjectiveBruce said...

All your questions have been answered. You may not like the answers, and they may confound your conspiracy theories, but all your questions have been answered.

dbvader said...

Obtusebruce,
That's laughable.

Check out the 10/5 posting. I have another question for you.

Also, do you rock out the Ronald McDonald hair or do you go for the chinless wonder look?

dbvader said...

http://tinyurl.com/y7vggp

Mnookin takes more swipes at Shank.

Monkeesfan said...

So Shank keeps on bashing Belichick. We apparantly know why Ron "The Broadsheet Bully" Borges hates Belichick - Drew Bledsoe apparantly was Ronnie's mole inside the Patriots and Belichick shut off that mole by trading him. So why is Shank going after Belichick?

oajectivebruce said...

The Sunday, December 10 column is something the nitwits will find all sorts of objection to.

But it is as dead-on as anything I've seen recently.

It is, however,exhibit B as to why Shaughessy deserves his postion at the top of the heap of boston sports columnists]

this week provides a fine example. Shaugnesy didjn't buy it, but we have nitwits who actually BUY and PUBLISH, without so much as a critical commeennet, the idea that Manny was off the table during the GM meetings. Wbat bullcrap!! They wanted the local media to say manny is not on the block, and the local nitwits, for the most part, agreed to buy this nonsense without so much as an inquiry.

Facts: Masseotti is so afraid of the Herald going under, he will report any nonsense the team wants him to rport

next:the team doesn't care what Shaughnessy writes.

third: nobody wants to hear the plain and simple fact: Theo is over his head and is paying the price with other clubs for his arrogance.\\\

And you nitwits think crapping on Shaughnessy is the answer.

What morons.

The Chief said...

You misspelled "objective", Dan.

Monkeesfan said...

objectivebruce - since you wrote that claim that Theo is in over his head, he GM'ed the Red Sox to another World Series. You were wrong on Theo again.