A cut below

I apologize for the lame titles. It's hard to come up with something witty all the time. This column actually wouldn't be that bad on its own, except for the fact that Dan has been crapping all over Beckett this year and keeps flip-flopping. Doeshe suck? Is he an ace? Is he a young pitcher who sometimes sucks but will eventually figure it out? The third one is the reasonable one, so you know right off the bat that Dan will take one of the first two views. Today, he's an ace. Last week he sucked. I give up.

Tuesday, the estimable Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated, a scribe not given to hyperbole, wrote, ``Josh Beckett is to Boston what Jeff Weaver was to the Yankees: the ace that never was . . . Beckett's head isn't ace-quality. He looked like a raw high school pitcher on Saturday, paying no attention to runners . . . and continuing to get his fat fastball smashed around."

Complimenting Tom Verducci, who is "not given to hyperbole," then citing this rubbish heap of a paragraph, makes me laugh. Jeff Weaver and Josh Beckett are not comparable players at all, except that they're both right-handed pitchers. And declaring that "Beckett's head isn't ace-quality?" How would he know? Is Beckett 40 and at the end of his career? Is Verducci a psychiatrist? Give me a break. And let's not pretend like this is only his opinion. Dan cites other authors when they say something nasty that he wants to say, yet claim he didn't say it.

In late July, he signed a contract extension that will pay him $10 million a season for three years. His troubles started shortly after inking the new deal.

First of all, it was signed before the All-Star Break, which makes it early/mid-July. Second of all, he was already having problems before that, although maybe Dan doesn't remember because the extension was announced the day he pitched the 1-0 shutout over Kansas City. Before that, he had a 5.12 ERA. Now, it's 5.21. Not much difference. But I think this is just a way of indirectly crapping on Theo, anyway.

This column was less poisonous than the other recent ones, though.

Edit: Found this nice piece on the Oldtimers charity game, which raised funds for cystic fibrosis and cerebral palsy, last night. The kid in the picture is Dan's son, Sam. Let's hope his participation in this event means the apple is falling far from the tree.

Brewing Manny

The innuendos and related tripe Shaughnnessy flings toward Manny for a variety of imagined slights are made interesting only by the uncovering of this May 30, 2004, column, in which The CHB compared Ramirez to Mr. Coffee himself, Joe DiMaggio.

In it, Shaughnessy notes:

* Both were [sic] the strong, silent type.
* Both are shy and would never brag.
* Both were [sic] Hall of Fame ballplayers.
* Both played through injuries. [!!]
* Both were mysterious superstars. Biographers were never able to get a handle on either.

He also wrote, "Both accepted the calls of umpires without complaining." Either Shaughnessy forgot he wrote that [as if!], or perhaps believes that doesn't extend to official scorers.

WTF?

I do apologize for the incredibly banal and immature title. But it's 4:00 AM, I'm sick, and these three letters are the only things that come remotely close to conveying my bewilderment and disgust at today's column.

I don't know what happened; my guess is that Dan has been bombarded with complaints about his negativism in the wake of his recent abortions about Theo and Manny, and that this column is the result. It's quite possibly the most sickeningly sarcastic piece of rubbish I've ever had the misfortune to read. I don't even know where to start, or if I should even bother. Let's start here, though:

Remember what Theo Epstein told us Sunday night as he stood on the Fenway lawn before Game 4 of the Carnage by Lansdowne Street: ``We're not going to change our approach and all of a sudden try to build an uberteam and all of a sudden win now at the expense of the future."

There you have it. Let's not win now. This should help you enjoy the remaining 36 games of 2006. Just relax and check out Dustin Pedroia's footwork around second base. It's not about 2006 anymore. It's about the future.

Looking at this quote in isolation brings me to the conclusion that Dan's interpretation of it is asinine. Theo did not say "let's not win now," nor did he imply it. In fact, this isn't what he said at all. The last part of the sentence is mere paraphrasing and Dan has conveniently left out six subsequent sentences that better explain the point Theo is trying to make. By consensus of other reputable articles on the same conversation, here is what Theo actually said:

"We're not going to change our approach and try to build an uber-team and all of a sudden win now and discard the future. That's not an excuse. I'm not trying to throw a cloak over the clear holes on this team by talking about the future. I'm not. Our goals are now, and our goals are to put ourselves in a position to win every single year. That's the reality. It's going to occasionally leave us short."

Had Dan included these other sentences, the impression given would have been vastly different. But it also would have been kinder to Theo, and we can't have that!

Dr. Charles Steinberg is already working on some promotional material for the final Fenway homestands of this season. At this moment he's reviewing three prospective ad campaigns for the non-stretch drive:

``Save that pricey trip to Fort Myers and come see our prospects closer to home."

``Where Would We Play Bobby Abreu?"

``Red Sox: It's called Bruins."

If the first slogan is meant to be negatively sarcastic, it fails: I think a lot of Red Sox fans actually appreciate this. The second one is a valid question to be discussed, not made fun of. And the third slogan is so absurd and lacking in perspective that I won't even try to address it. I assume everyone has enough familiarity with the current state of the Bruins to understand how stupid such a comparison is.

The 2007 Red Sox go to Seattle after Minnesota and the Sox could sweep at Safeco. I wouldn't be surprised if they win their first six games. We might even be calling them an uberteam by the time they get to Fenway. The Sox make four trips to the West Coast and I think they're going to win every game. It'll be sweet to see Theo's '07 Machine march through Chavez Ravine. Take that, Grady Little! And those home games with the Yankees? Forget about everything that just happened. The Sox are only going to get better while the Yankees will only get worse. It's obvious if you really know baseball. So stop fretting about what just happened and take the long view for a change.

Who exactly is he talking to here? Who set him off like this? The sarcasm is just incredible. He sounds like Joe Morgan ranting about Moneyball.

It's very exciting. Future-rama.

I believe the name of the show is actually "Futurama."

And here at 17 percent Daddy Globe we plan to bombard you with happy stories about all the great ballplayers the Sox refused to trade July 31, 2006. Trust me when I tell you that someday soon you're going to be glad to have Manny Delcarmen instead of Roy Oswalt.

The first sentence is sour grapes. The second sentence represents a fundamental misunderstanding about what happened at the trade deadline, either due to ignorance and laziness in regards to actually doing research on it, or due to the fact that no one in the front office will tell him. If it's the former, which I suspect it is, shame on him, and how typical. If it's the latter, I applaud everyone who said "no comment." In case you were wondering, though, Dan, the Red Sox were willing to trade prospects for Roy Oswalt. It was the Astros who weren't willing to deal Roy Oswalt for prospects. It's kind of hard for Theo to make a deal when there's nothing on the table, huh?

If you can't see what's happening here, it is your own fault. The Red Sox, like the Patriots, are simply smarter than every other organization.

Ah, the easily identifiable stench of a man who has been pushed to his breaking point by an overload of responses defending the front office and feels the need to fire back by making even more ignorant, insulting remarks.

They have vision while the rest of the baseball world wears bifocals.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but people with bifocals also have vision, no?

And they rely on a flock of fans who are willing to pay $12 just to walk into an empty ballpark and look at the ancient poles.

I went on that tour last year. I had a blast.

Let's face it: 2004 bought a lot of patience and solidified Epstein as a hardball genius. These are days of Camelot at olde Fenway and there's nothing that Edgar Renteria, Matt Clement, Coco Crisp, Rudy Seanez, Julian Tavarez, or Josh Beckett can do to change that.

You know he was just dying to add "unfortunately" to the end of that paragraph. This is all about him trying to turn the fans against Theo and the fans not following his lead. Irksome, isn't it, Dan? After all this time, they still like Theo better than you. All that effort, gone to waste; you haven't managed to single-handedly tear him down yet.

Cynics might wonder about the rest of this year. Nattering nabobs might take issue with the top prices in baseball when it's all about the future. Cheapos might ask the Sox to scale back prices since we're no longer worried about '06. Not me. I have seen Baseball Future and its name is Boston Red Sox.

I think he needs to be medicated.

Contradictions Abound

The other downside of a Red Sox losing streak is that it brings the slumbering, slobbering idiots out of their alcohol-induced comas. You know, guys like The CHB.

We are treated this fine morning to the many talents of Dan Shaughnessy. Let's take a look.

Dan, the legal eagle: "Minutes later, Francona bobbed and weaved like Sugar Ray Leonard when asked about the conspiracy theory. The manager ... never flatly denied the contention that Ramírez had to be talked into playing Saturday."

Dan the medic: "[We]'re pretty darned sure Manny has faked it in the past to get out of All-Star duties or maybe just to pout when Pedro Martínez was getting time off for dad's birthday."

Dan, the psychologist: "Terry Francona isn't about to challenge Manny. It's simply not worth it. Tito knows how this works. You want to keep Manny happy, so you let him sit when he wants to sit."

Dan, the voice of the players: "For sure, none of Manny's teammates will call him out now because, like Francona, they know there's no upside to challenging Ramírez. ... But you can be pretty sure they're wondering what is going on with the savant slugger as he rests his hamstring while the team is freefalling."

Believing all that means believing the same guy who on June 26, 2005, wrote that the Red Sox would win the AL East in a walk; the same guy who named Josh Beckett the heir to Roger Clemens only to reverse course and practically slander him in the process; the same guy who called David Ortiz "a giant sack of you-know-what"; the same guy who on Dec. 13, 2000, wrote that the signing of Manny Ramirez boosted Dan Duquette "from doofus to genius in less than 24 hours.”

Sounds great Dan! Where do I go to drink that Kool-Aid?

SS Dan runs aground

There are three categories of Dan Shaughnessy columns, roughly proportioned this way:

1)Good (2%)
2)Boring (58%)
3)Offensive (40%)

This latest "effort" falls into the third category. After a few weeks of mostly boring, occasionally good columns, I was harboring a bit of hope that maybe he had been reigned in. But this last column dashed all those hopes.

The good: he really hasn't written anything quite this obnoxious in awhile. The bad: this one is REALLY obnoxious.

I knew we were in for it when I read the opening lines:

The Red Sox brass set sail on John Henry's big boat last night. The owner held a party to celebrate the engagement of his star general manager, Theo Epstein. Nice gesture. Toasts all around, no doubt. A three-hour tour.

So John Henry threw a party for Theo, huh? That was really nice of him. Given how rich he is, I'm sure it was a great party. Wait, "no doubt?" That means Dan doesn't know for sure. Which means he wasn't invited. Which means that he's going to be in a snit.

It was undoubtedly nice to get away for a few hours, but there is no safe place for Epstein and Sox management at this moment -- not even on the high seas. The SS Red Sox is sinking fast in the American League.

I beg to differ. They got away from you, didn't they, Dan? That qualifies as a "safe place," I think.

Also, is this supposed to make me mad at management? Because all it does is make me mad at the idiot fans who can't get enough perspective to realize that losing three horrendous games to the Yankees is not the end of the world. There's "no safe place?" Yeah, that's something to trumpet. That's something we should be proud of in this town!

The sun no longer shines on the handsome head of young Theo (wonder if he's signed his much-celebrated contract yet). The computer-geek management style has been thoroughly exposed in the last two days and there's a perfect storm brewing upstairs on Yawkey Way.

I don't even know what to do with this. "Handsome head of young Theo?" This is either some creepy fake gay vibe or Dan being mad that he's uglier than Theo. If it's the latter, he must be mad at the whole world. Oh, wait! I've solved him!

Also, "the computer-geek management style has been thoroughly exposed?" Yeah, like it was in 2004, huh? Two days is plenty of time to completely invalidate a philosophy that has brought the Red Sox nothing but success for the last 4 years.

The way things are going, Young Theo might don that gorilla suit again, but this time he might need it to hide from an angry Nation of paying customers who want to know why nothing was done at the trade deadline and how you try to win a pennant with no lefty in the bullpen and a collection of dead arms and dead presidents (Mr. Van Buren, I presume) posing as major league pitchers.

Yup, this is completely justifiable behavior from the fan base! Why should Theo be allowed to come out of his house and live like a normal person WHEN THE TEAM HAS LOST GAMES? He should be forced to skulk around in fear, because "nothing was done at the trade deadline" and we don't have any lefties in the bullpen! Except for Craig Breslow (when he gets called back up) and that Javier Lopez guy. Oops. I injected facts into the discussion. My apologies. Don't the Red Sox have such a fantastic fan base and media corps? You know it's awesome when the team's losing games and the front office feels like they're in personal danger.

We are now officially in the middle of ``Son of Massacre" weekend. In 1978, it was 42-9 over four games. The Sox were outhit, 67-21, and committed 12 errors while losing four straight at home to the Bombers. The first three games of this series have been equally hideous.

Huh? What? How can it have been equally hideous when the score stands at 39-20, like you said barely 3 sentences earlier? The Sox haven't made 12 errors. This isn't remotely that bad.

Oh, and is anybody rethinking that Johnny Damon decision now? On a day when Coco Crisp was rested, Damon continued his Big Bang tour through Boston with three more hits, all doubles. Damon is 9 for 18 this weekend, with three doubles, a triple, two homers, eight RBIs, and five runs. Quite a statement.

No. I'm rethinking Crisp, but not the decision to let Damon walk. Let's continue our habit of making sweeping generalizations from little tiny sample sizes! 3 games is plenty of time to decide we should have given him $52 million for the next 4 years!

Odd that Henry would be celebrating Epstein's engagement at a time when the honeymoon is officially over for the most popular and bulletproof general manager in Boston sports history.

Yeah, how ironic. It's completely unacceptable for either man to continue with their personal lives in the midst of this baseball disaster! No parties, no girlfriends, and who the hell needs to eat when the Red Sox are doing so badly?The whole engagement thing should be called off completely. What is this celebrating garbage? There's a war on!

The cruise is over and so is the free ride for Theo. No disgrace in that, it happens to all of them, but the Sox need a quick turnaround to keep Epstein out of the shark-infested waters that devoured the likes of Lou Gorman and Dan Duquette.

Let's play a game called "Name the Differences Between Lou Gorman, Dan Duquette, and Theo Epstein."

I'll go first. Theo won a World Series. Gorman and Duquette did not.

The free ride is over, but that one little difference is a good enough life raft, I think.

Who didn't see a column like this coming?

8/21 7:15 PM: Edited for removal of line about Jed Hoyer's personal life. It was true, but it was a violation of his privacy and in bad taste.

The Red Sox aren't very good right now

Thanks to Dan for pointing this out. I'm not going to blame him for the rambling incoherence of today's piece, because game 2 did end really late and both games were hideous to watch (I won't even mention this afternoon's abortion), but I will point some of it out.

When in doubt, it's always easiest to blame Javy Lopez (was he, per chance, involved with the work on the Big Dig?).

Huh? What? Why would we blame Javy Lopez? Why would we blame any position player? The offense scored 15 runs yesterday. He only caught ONE of the games where the pitching gave up double digit runs. Why would we blame him? I mean, I don't like the guy, but that's just weird.

The Boston brass takes the hardest hits for this indecent exposure at the Fens. The Sox fell to 3 1/2 games out of first place (four in the loss column) and the blame goes to Theo Epstein and the minions. Guess they really are thinking about 2007 and '08.

Did you see all those walks Jed Hoyer gave up? Jeez. And that bases-clearing double didn't help, either. How did he get to the majors with a 16.18 ERA and a 2.14 WHIP? I demand that Jed Hoyer be designated for assignment.

Seriously, blaming the front office for the pitching staff being several orders of magnitude worse than every Little League pitcher I watched yesterday is asinine. No one in their right mind could see them being so bad over a 3-game stretch. They hadn't been great all season, but 39 runs in 36 hours? That's 100% on the pitching staff, not on Theo or Jed or anybody else. Yes, the front office signed them, but they can reasonably expect a better performance than what we saw yesterday. These guys aren't good, but they aren't as bad as what they've been showing, either. They haven't been performing up to the lowest of reasonable expectations, and that is in no way the front office's fault. They can't pitch for these guys.

Damon's demonstration thoroughly exposed counterpart Coco Crisp, who went 0 for 5 in Game 1, losing his leadoff job again with his latest in a lengthening line of performances as ``The Invisible Man."

First of all, Coco shouldn't have a leadoff job. Him "losing" it is more a reflection of Terry Francona finally turning his brain on than a reflection on Coco (although he hasn't been any good). Second, I could point out the racial undertones in the "Invisible Man" reference, for those of you that have read it, but I'm sure it wasn't meant that way. He's not that clever. I just felt the need to point out that I managed to slog through that book in 11th grade.

Bobby Abreu, deemed too expensive for the Red Sox when the Yankees dealt for him at the trading deadline, went 6 for 9 with two walks. He reached base in 9 of 12 plate appearances.

Manny Delcarmen, Jon Lester, and Craig Hansen, the Baby Bulls deemed too precious to trade at the deadline, all failed miserably in their trials by fire against the Bronx Bombers.

Let's evaluate every single non-move at the trade deadline based on various players' performances in 2 games! That's a really good way to do things!

Clearly, neither of these teams is anywhere near complete. Both pitching staffs are pourous and any New York-Boston battle of bullpens shapes up as something akin to a Battle of the Bands at the Hampton Beach Casino. Long, loud, and ugly.

This is true. Now, let's play a game of "Find the Spelling Error." Hint: it's in the 2nd sentence.

Robbery!

Apparently, when Dan was at John Henry's mansion last week, he did a little more than suck some of the man's soul out with his mere presence. He also stole Henry's silverware.* No motive was given, but sources tell me that it was out of the goodness of Dan's heart, as he wanted to give a little something to Theo Epstein's wedding registry, and a pipe bomb seemed too ostentatious.** The Globe undertook it as a public service to publish half of said registry on their website today, thus fulfilling their dual function as a Boston newspaper: publishing creepy stalkerish stories that violate the privacy of public figures on many levels, and boosting the regional economy by ensuring that approximately 400 linen napkins/creme brulee sets/fritatta pans are purchased as gifts by asstard Red Sox fans. These will have to be sent to 4 Yawkey Way (Boston, MA 02215, for those of you who need it), as in a shocking omission of reportage, the Globe failed to publish Epstein's home address. For shame. Now how will Dan know where to take John Henry's forks?

*Note to lawyers: He didn't really steal anything. Don't sue me. Thanks.
**Note to lawyers: This is a joke.

Did you know?

The Tigers are good. They have not been this way for a very long time.

Jim Leyland is a cool guy. He is old-school. He chain-smokes and curses in front of women. He doesn't use computers, unlike that Mike Gimbel nerd! Oh, wait, sorry, wrong year. I meant Bill James. Same difference. They both suck! Everyone should prefer a guy who does not know how to use the internet and said the following about computers: " "I don't like computers. Period. I don't even know how to turn one on. They intimidate me." (Baseball Prospectus, an evil publication)

I would write more about this incredibly boring column, but my computer just ate one of my hands.

Don't waste your time

It's Sunday afternoon, the Red Sox play at 2:00, and if Boston has weather anything like Maryland right now, it's 75 and sunny out. Do something else with your time rather than read this. This column isn't any fun to pick apart; it's that boring.

It always drives me nuts when the Globe publishes this kind of stuff. There is a game recap RIGHT ABOVE this column. We don't need another one. Especially not one written by CHB. Everything in this column has already been said 800 times in other recaps and it brings absolutely nothing to the table except a life lesson in how to abuse metaphors and similes. For example:

Sometime next winter, when you crack open the Whitman's Sampler of Red Sox 2006 Walkoff Wins, you'll no doubt remember a stunning Saturday in the Park when anything and everything was possible. On a postcard-perfect afternoon, the slumping Sox got back on track, at least temporarily, with a 10-inning, 8-7 victory over their favorite cousins from Baltimore.

How clever! He's comparing it to a variety box of chocolates! That's amazing. Except that compared to some of the walkoffs from this year, this one was not so dramatic. I'm not sure we'll "no doubt remember a stunning Saturday." I'm sure I won't remember what day of the week it was. "Anything and everything was possible?" Can we be any more cliche?

Also, those Whitman sampler boxes only have 4 chocolates in them. The Red Sox have what, 8 walkoff wins? Make that 2 boxes, Dan.

It hurts to say this, but it's hard to imagine the Sox re-signing Trot Nixon in the wake of Wily Mo's recent performance.

Book it: 4 months from now, we'll get a maudlin column about "true dirt dog" Trot Nixon that reams Theo for not re-signing him. Or just reams Theo. I know how this works.

Mass. Pike drivers, already trained to operate in fear, have new concerns when heading eastbound if Peña is at bat.

If every driver on the Turnpike operated in fear, everyone would be a defensive driver and Boston would not have the reputation for having some of the country's shittiest drivers. Just pointing it out. Yes, Boston drivers do suck. I'm from DC, I know what bad driving looks like. But Boston drivers don't operate in fear; this is exactly WHY they're so bad. Or at least a lot of them.

The rest of it is rehashing the recap above. Read this instead.

Uh-oh, it's almost football season

Sorry I'm late on this one; I don't usually read any part of the Globe except for the Red Sox part of the site. Thanks to the commenter who alerted me to look deeper.

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???!!!!

OK, I couldn't resist. For the first time in awhile, Dan drones on about the Patriots. Get ready for the shocking revelation: The Patriots failed to win the Super Bowl this year! Oh my God!

The last time we saw the New England Patriots on television was eight months ago when they were thrashed by the Denver Broncos, 27-13, in their second playoff game of the 2005 season. The loss snapped an NFL record 10-game winning streak in the playoffs and humbled Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the rest of Patriot Nation.

It was somewhat shocking. Undefeated playoff performer Tom Brady threw two interceptions. Troy Brown fumbled. The Patriots turned the ball over five times and Adam Vinatieri missed a 43-yard field goal attempt.

Eight months later, Vinatieri is gone, Willie McGinest is gone, Super Bowl XXXIX MVP Deion Branch is holding out, and Tedy Bruschi is recovering from wrist surgery as the Patriots return to the field tonight (8, Channel 4) at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta in their 2006 exhibition opener.

This whole section definitely needs to be reprinted. A ton of times, in fact. It's incredibly insightful, and it can't be repeated enough.

Actually, it can. Are we writing a column or pasting in some AP recaps and using the AutoSummarize function to give us 3 worthless paragraphs? Anybody who would bother to read this part of the paper knows this stuff already.

The timing is perfect. When the Patriots folded in January, we noted ``pitchers and catchers report Feb. 18," and now the Patriots are kicking off at the same time the Red Sox are free falling in the American League East. There must be a sports god.

The timing was perfect because the Pats' season ended and over a month later, spring training kind of started for the Red Sox? Yeah, that 5-week dead period is just great timing. Also, during that period, about 75% percent of Boston didn't really give a shit about the Patriots, because they were too busy fretting about the clusterf*ck in the Red Sox front office.

And I don't see how any of his statements offer any evidence that there is a "sports god."

Come to think of it, Tom was drafted as a catcher by the Expos when he was in high school -- think he could spell Javy Lopez when the Yankees come to town?

I know this is a joke. And it's retarded, so I'm going to pick on it. Tom Brady just turned 29 and hasn't played catcher since he was 17. This is such a dumb idea that it doesn't even merit joking about. If we're going to make stupid attempts at humor like this, why don't we suggest that Jed Hoyer be placed on the 25-man roster? He's in 3 spots on this records page, after all.

Oops, I did 20 seconds of research based on a little bit of background knowledge. That isn't allowed. My apologies.

``This is a chance for us to see where we're at," said Brady. ``It's one thing to do everything in practice, but we always want to start up against other opponents."

``This will be the first time putting on the pads since Denver," added All-Pro defensive lineman Richard Seymour. ``It's definitely a little different. It's a new season now, everyone's 0-0. That's the good part. We have another opportunity to do some great things this season. Hopefully, we can get it down this time."

These are really informative. To recap: they're going to play against other players while wearing uniforms, which is not the same as practice, but the games don't count, although they hope it'll be good mojo for later. Got it? It's pretty complicated. Read it a few times, it'll come to you.

For those who think we exaggerate the Patriots' paranoia/self-importance, check out the Patriots' doorstop, 500-page ``media guide"; try to find out what happened to Rodney Harrison last year. Harrison's six-page bio contains no information regarding the three knee ligaments he tore in Pittsburgh last September. It read, ``placed on injured reserve (9/25/05) and Pittsburgh (9/25) Started at safety . . . collected one tackle before leaving the game in the first quarter." This would be like reading a summary of Tony Conigliaro's 1967 season and finding, ``Hit 20 homers through Aug. 18, then spent the rest of the season on the disabled list after facing Jack Hamilton in a victory over the Angels."

The Red Sox media guide is 660 pages. Just FYI (I own one; Charles Steinberg has hands-down the shittiest picture in there. It makes him look like an orange man with 3 chins).

Also, since when is Rodney Harrison's injury at all comparable to Tony Conigliaro's? We have yet to see if Harrison will come back as a mere shell of his former self. Only when that happens can this comparison be made.

The Dome supplies climate control that hasn't been available in Foxborough.

Ooh. Zing. Robert Kraft was PWN3D!!!!!!!

Go ahead and return to old Foxboro Stadium, Dan. You'll be crying for the non-climate-controlled Gillette Stadium (it's still that, right? I get confused by all these mergers) in no time.

Meanwhile, Kevin Faulk is still chugging along and should get some carries.

What an utterly moronic, meaningless piece of analysis. Essentially, "Kevin Faulk is still on the roster." OK, thanks for that.

Brady backup Matt Cassel no doubt will be making many of the throws.

Why? Patriots backup quarterbacks have, over the last few years, gotten almost NO playing time Is Brady going to get hurt? Is every game going to be a blowout? I don't think Matt Cassel will get many of the throws at all. I think he'll get almost none.

Harrison, returning from surgery on his left knee (don't check the media guide if you want to know how that happened), is unlikely to play.

Call me crazy, but I'm going to guess that the Patriots are assuming here that their fans are able to read something other than the media guide to get their news. This really isn't that onerous, Dan. It's called Google, or maybe watching the game where it happened and having some kind of memory.

And a time for New England sports fans to look away from the reeling Red Sox for a night.

Does anybody really think that a significant number of fans are going to turn off an August Red Sox game for a meaningless, stupid Patriots preseason game? Come on, now.

Dinner with John Henry

I don't really know what to make of this. Dan's column today is a slightly overwrought account of his dinner at John Henry's mansion on Tuesday night. My first reaction was: Why the hell would John Henry ever invite this guy over for dinner? Looking at what happened this offseason and CHB's involvement in it, looking at the already questionable ties between the Red Sox and the Globe, what is the point? I'm guessing Henry is trying to head off any future nasty columns before they go to print, but he really should know better.

The first part that jumps out is this:

Looking rested, ever pale, and relaxed in blue jeans and a short sleeve shirt, John greets me in the kitchen and I give him a signed copy of a Red Sox book I wrote a long time ago. What else do you bring when you go to dinner at a billionaire's house? A bottle of Kendall-Jackson? Fruit salad?

Can you believe this? This is absolutely priceless. CHB has dinner at Henry's house, and gives him an autographed copy of what I assume was "The Curse of the Bambino." How arrogant. And silly. Henry is a numbers guy, as Dan aptly points out in the first three paragraphs. He does not believe in curses, and now that the 2004 World Series is two years in the rearview mirror, this gift is even less appropriate. I think fruit salad or wine would have been a much better idea. Good grief.

I am allergic to none of it, but I am a little worried about the two cats -- big as turkeys -- prowling around inside.

It appears that Dan is allergic to cats. I have a cat. I will mail her to Morrissey Boulevard as soon as I figure out the postage. Also, "big as turkeys?" That's a pretty strange simile.

As yes, the Theo winter. I remember that.

Really? You do? Congratulations.

John works the remote and within seconds we see Tina Cervasio and her dazzling teeth reporting live from Kansas City.

OK, I'm sorry. I laughed at this. Yes, it's a backhanded shot, but come on, it's right on point. My favorite Tina moment was an interview of Theo in which she asked him a question, smiled at him, and he flinched and backed up. She's just brutal. "Dazzling" is actually putting it nicely. Bring back Eric Frede, please. Or better yet, scrap the concept of the sideline reporter entirely.

The Red Sox owner is a nocturnal creature. He stays up until 4 in the morning, then sleeps until 10.

That makes two of us.

Like any good sports fan with a clicker in his hand, Henry switches to the Yankees game during commercials. The Yankees are in a dogfight with the White Sox and Henry is rooting hard for Chicago. I tell him that might be a mistake. Seven weeks from now, he might be wishing the Yankees beat the White Sox on this night. That seems to be the way things are going. But like most Sox fans, he cannot bring himself to root for the Yankees. And he will not admit that the American League East is lost.

Wait, the AL East is lost? The season ends on August 10 now? Crap! I was looking forward to another month and a half of baseball. That's a real bummer. Oh, well, we'll get 'em next year.

Anybody who thinks the AL East is lost right now, please get the f*** off the bandwagon and don't come back. The whining is hurting my ears. Although I think Dan jumped off back in the 1970s.

In an unrelated ownership anecdote, he tells me he first talked to Lucchino in 1989 when he wanted to use the Orioles' minor league park in Fort Lauderdale for his team in the newly formed Senior Professional Baseball Association.

``Larry said `no' and that kind of ticked me off," recalls Henry. ``I didn't even know what he looked like. I pictured him being a short, bald guy."

So Lucchino was a jerk back in 1989, too, huh? I'm shocked. Also, I wonder if he knows he comes off as a short, bald guy over the phone.

At 10:30, I stand up and tell the Red Sox owner that polite company would be leaving right about now. He won't have it.

Wasted opportunity, John. Wasted opportunity. Shame on you.

This isn't so bad, either

CHB has been a bit more tame as of late. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but while it's still up in the air, let's save some of the fury for when it's really deserved.

Today's column is the inevitable piece about Sox inaction at the deadline. It's about a week late, but if you take the view that the real impact of the deadline non-moves won't be known until the end of the year or even the end of the next few years (as I do), it's still too early. However, he had to write something, right? There are only a few parts I have an issue with, and it's nothing major. In general, this column is exceedingly boring. I have noticed this about pretty much every piece that relies heavily on quotes from Theo Epstein. Aside from that hilarious remark about the World Series trophy and Paris Hilton, he's not really a good go-to guy for interesting material. He's too careful.

Anyway, what I had issue with:

On the hot seat for the first time in his big league career, Epstein disputes the notion that the Sox have been intransigent at the negotiating table because they've fallen in love with their prospects.

He's joking, right? He doesn't really think this is the first time Theo's been on the hot seat? I think 2005 was one giant hot seat, and I don't even know what the offseason was. Spontaneous combustion? Nuclear meltdown? The entire summer of 2004 was a hot seat; if the Nomar trade had backfired, Theo would probably be either scouting for the Pirates or trying investment banking right now. Actually, his entire job is a hot seat. I find this little fragment ridiculous. I mean, Dan makes my point in the last paragraph:

But if the Sox fail to make the playoffs, Epstein knows that July 31 will be cited as the beginning of the end of Boston's chances for 2006. And he'll be blamed. That's a fact of life when you are general manager of the Red Sox. There is no escape from the sound and the fury.

This seems a bit contradictory to me. I'm also annoyed by all the "The Sound and the Fury" references, since I hate William Faulkner (thanks to "As I Lay Dying," hands-down the worst book in my high-school curriculum save maybe anything by Willa Cather), but that's Theo's fault. He opened the door. Boooooo, I say.

Really, it's not a bad piece except for that one stupid remark. It's just very, very bland.

This is good

This snippet from Dan today on the subject of whether or not the Red Sox will regret not making a move at the deadline:

This question can't be answered fairly for several years. If the Sox finish second for the ninth straight season and fail to make the playoffs, there certainly will be some local gnashing of teeth. But we don't know precisely what deals were turned down, and it'll be years before we can measure the importance of holding onto prospects they were unwilling to trade. There was certainly some bad luck involved when two veterans from the starting lineup went to the disabled list in the wake of the non-trades, but that's just bad timing and bad luck. Still, if the Sox don't make the playoffs, the silence of July 31 will be cited.

I'm going to give credit where credit is due. This is an excellent, reasonable position and I agree completely. In fact, I'll go so far as to say it's one of the better takes I've seen on the situation from the idiot, sky-is-perpetually-falling Boston media (hi, Tony Massarotti!). I like it.

Walkoffs! [insert cliche here]

Today's column informs us that the Red Sox seem to have a lot of walkoff hits this year, and when they do, it's kind of cool.

Really? I had no idea.

First, we get this abortion of parallel structure:

Michael Jackson has the moonwalk. Hollywood Boulevard has the Walk of Fame. Marc Cohn had ``Walkin' in Memphis." Johnny Cash walked the line. And the Red Sox make their opponents walk off the field in abject agony after another winning hit by the local nine.

Ugh. Then we get this:

Wonder why traffic is so bad around Fenway after the games? Because nobody ever leaves the ballpark, that's why. Only a dope would walk away from a Sox game before the final out is registered.

You know what? You could insert the name of any team in baseball here (except for maybe the Dodgers). It's a worthless statement. Traffic is bad around every park after games. Only idiots leave before the end of the game, unless it's 14-0, in which case I think Sox fans would vacate the premises as well.

Intent on finding out if Fausto Carmona has the makeup of a closer (he doesn't), Cleveland manager Eric Wedge left his rocket righty on the hill to suffer one of the more humiliating beatings of any season.

So after 2 bad outings, we have concluded that Fausto Carmona, a 22-year-old rookie, will never be a closer. Welcome to the world of small sample sizes, and thank your lucky stars that Dan has nothing to do with baseball decisions. But yes, I agree, it was humiliating. Hitting two guys on two consecutive pitches in the exact same spot is really, really bad.

But at the risk of sounding negative, I'm still wondering if these star-sparkled finishes are only obscuring the fact that July 31 might still go down as the Day the Music Died for the 2006 Red Sox.

No comment here, just hysterical laughter.

Are the Sox going to regret not making a move? Are there enough walkoff wins left in the tank to make fans forget the inaction?

We already know what Dan thinks about this. Yes and no are his answers to those questions, respectively. Let's ignore all the complexities that went into the Red Sox not making a deadline deal, the fact that this team has major holes disguised by their interleague record's impact on their overall record, etc. They have enough holes, I think, that Theo didn't think it worthwhile to give up what it would take to get this team over the hump. They're about .500 against the AL. They have 3 starting pitchers and a suspect bullpen. Their CF sucks (sorry, Coco). In the winter, we pretty much saw this sort of thing coming. 2006 is a transition year. But hey, let's ignore all that.

Following this is a bunch of quotes from John Henry and Larry Lucchino attempting to stick to their "new operating philosophy" by not stabbing Theo in the back. They succeed rather well.

Still, let's hope the Sox didn't let organizational arrogance -- too much pride in their own prospects -- get in the way of making a deal that would have helped the ``big league team" finish ahead of the Yankees for the first time since 1995.

Yes, let's trade Jon Lester and Craig Hansen, because we have excess starting pitching and excess bullpen arms. Who needs 3 starters? Bah.

Dan should know arrogance, though.

A sack of you-know-what

Today's column is your standard Big Papi ballwashing. I am all for this. I support Big Papi ballwashing in all its various forms. It is entirely deserved.

But at the time he was acquired, CHB called him a "sack of shit." How soon we forget, Dan. Or you forget. Nobody else has. Ignorant, knee-jerk, offensive, and possibly racist? Classic Dan! I firmly believe the David Ortiz signing to be the greatest move of Theo Epstein's tenure, and possibly one of the greatest GM moves of all time. You can own up to that remark any time now, Dan. I won't hold my breath.

Nonsensical analogy watch: "Ortiz has turned major league baseball into Wiffle ball games you'd play with makeshift rules regarding rooftops, clotheslines, and summer winds."

If someone could explain to me what this has to do with anything, I'd very much appreciate it, though I'm sure this is inviting snarky remarks from OB about my intelligence. How is this a coherent, relevant sentence?

Typographical error watch: "It most definitely would take the bat our of Ortiz's hands."

Dan Wrong Again: 'Jeter' Defects

You may recall the line The CHB penned during the World Baseball Classic: "Baseball truly is a religion in Cuba. ... Players pledge allegiance to Fidel and none has defected since José Contreras went AWOL in 2002." As we showed at the time, and the Globe eventually corrected in print, Dan's contention that "none has defected since 2002" was way wrong.

It became even more wrong today. The news just broke that Yuliesky Gourriel has fled the island. Official confirmation is pending, but several outlets have the story.

You may remember that name, too. He's the guy Dan called "the Derek Jeter of Cuba." Of course, Dan made that pronouncement just 13 days after Jack Curry of the New York Times did, but then crafting original work was never Dan's strong suit.

Anti-Dan

I've just noticed an amazing thing: Every time The CHB writes something snide, the opposite happens.

To wit:

On July 16 he claimed the Yankees were back in the playoff chase. At that point the New York nine had climbed to within a half-game of Boston. Starting that night, Boston won 7 of 9 and stretched their lead to 2.5 games over the would-be Bombers.

On July 15, he ripped on Josh Beckett. In two starts since, Beckett has thrown 14 innings, allowing just 9 hits and 3 runs while striking out 11 and walking 2. He's given up just one homer since Dan called him "the man most likely to send you home with a souvenir if you are sitting in the Monster Seats."

On June 30, writing on the Red Sox's 12-game win streak, he claimed the "good times never seemed so good." That night they lost 5-2, to Florida, and sputtered to a 2-4 road trip in Florida.

He clearly has mystical powers. Like George Costanza, he must be realizing that whatever his gut says will happen is 180 degrees from what is destined to occur.

Whither Dan

It's been eight days since Dan published his last work. Eight days. In the meantime, the British Open came and went, as did the better part of the Tour de France. No sign of Dan. The Red Sox saw their AL East lead dwindle to a half-game, then surged again. No Dan. Paul Pierce signs a contract that by the time it's over could see him pass none other than Larry Bird on the Celtics all-time points list. No Dan.

We are seeing plenty of Bob Ryan, though. Methinks Dan is fading away, exposed for the fraud he is. Not a moment too soon.

A steroids feature

Aside from the fact that I'm tired of hearing about steroids, this article is actually pretty good. I *gasp* enjoyed reading it. When CHB sticks to doing actual reporting, he's not half-bad. If you find something wrong with it, feel free to comment, but in general I thought it was well-done. Let's give credit where credit is due, because it might never happen again.

The Yankees are a soccer team!

Oh, man. CHB wrote two columns today. Since this one is higher up on the website, let's go there first.

The Yankees are kind of good.

For a while, it was tempting to think the Yankees might go away. Fade into the sunset. Disappear from sight altogether. The Red Sox had ripped off 12 straight wins and Yankee millionaires were falling like Italian soccer players in the path of Zinedine Zidane. The Red Sox were going to win the American League East with ease. Like Secretariat in the Belmont or some such thing . . . And now the Yankees are in the rearview mirror again, high beams blinking, grill touching your rear bumper. Increasing your paranoia.

Can I plead simile overload and go hide under my bed now? There is such a thing as a poignant use of a literary technique, and then there is beating people over the head with it. This reads like a middle school English paper with the prompt: "Using what you have learned about similes and metaphors, write a paragraph on the Red Sox and Yankees. Believability not a requirement." What a horribly written paragraph.

`We never thought they were going away," Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein said yesterday afternoon from the Sox clubhouse, where a giant flat-screen television showed the Bronx Bombers trouncing the world champion Chicago White Sox, 14-3, to pull to within one game of first place. ``They score a lot of runs and they have veteran pitchers. They deserve a lot of credit."

This really isn't that objectionable. Which I guess is the problem. This is such a duh excerpt that I don't know why he bothered including it. If you are looking for bulletin board material, Theo Epstein is not the guy to go to. He's a master of the artfully boring. "The Yankees are good. They have a good team." Thanks for the insight! Also, why are you still talking to this guy, Theo?

Less then two weeks ago, the Red Sox held a four-game lead over the Steinbrenner AC.

The soccer analogy can die now. And this isn't even grammatically correct. It would be "AC Steinbrenner." It's not "Milan AC," it's "AC Milan." And soccer standings are computed by points, not games, because they can have ties in soccer, so this analogy just really doesn't work on any level, OK, Dan? Even the Zidane headbutt thing, while that was amusing to watch, really doesn't work. Just drop it.

So once again we are in a New York state of mind. Even though it's July 16. Even though the Sox don't play the Yankees again until the third week of August.

Was there some point in time at which Red Sox fans were not in a New York state of mind? That would be a story. Not this.

Following this are a series of quotes from Jason Varitek, Trot Nixon, and Mark Loretta, respectively, demonstrating that no, they never forgot about the Yankees. What exactly is Dan's point here?

The stakes may be higher this year. Boston managed to get into the playoffs despite finishing second to the Yankees in each of the last three seasons. That may not be good enough this time.

Everyone has been talking about this since May. There's no need to mention it again. It's common knowledge.

One thing that may have changed is the idea that the Red Sox are the more obsessed rival. Baseball stories in New York newspapers have become increasingly Boston-centric. Yesterday's Post insisted that pitcher Sidney Ponson ``snubbed" the Sox when he signed with the Yankees Friday.

``Not true," said Epstein. ``We had no interest in him. None. And you can quote me."

Done.

I'm not sure if the first sentence is true. One example of support does not a hypothesis prove. But I quoted it anyway because I hate Sidney Ponson, and it's good to hear they weren't considering him. Although it's amusing to think that they faked it to get the Yankees to quickly sign a violent drunk.

The CHB Returns

It's been 2-1/2 weeks since The CHB penned a piece on the Red Sox. Dan, we hardly missed ye!

But he returns in full force this weekend, blowing into Fenway and blowing hot air the direction of the same player to whom he only months ago was blowing ... wet kisses at.

Josh Beckett, who has run hot and cold this season, is the latest focus of Dan's poison pen.

In Shaughnessy speak, Beckett becomes "Way Back," the "Bridgemaster" and "Bombino."

It's a shocking turnabout (lover's quarrel?). You will recall, of course, that on April 5 The CHB called Beckett a "stud starter," and on Nov. 29, he felt Boston management should be jailed for theft for the trade that brought Beckett to Beantown. On Nov. 27, he drooled so much on his keyboard he probably shorted electrical circuits all over Newton:

* "Young righthander Josh Beckett is coming to town, and he's the just the guy to don the jersey that hasn't been worn since Roger Clemens cleaned out his locker in the last week of September 1996."

* "... a 25-year-old stud righty. An heir to Clemens."

* "There he is, ladies and gentlemen, your new stopper. The torch has been passed from Clemens to Pedro to Schilling to Beckett. Time to pass along No. 21 now."

Creepy.

Bill James watch: "Time for Theo and the Minions to get Beckett a Bill James printout. The big righty's strategy is not working." Dan's antipathy toward those who know more about baseball than he does continues.

The Book

Okay, I read it. 5 hours. It's very, very good. Quick impressions: John Henry comes off really well. So does Tom Werner, who is a lot more likeable than I first imagined him. Larry Lucchino, not so much, though the portrait is pretty balanced. It's clear that Mnookin appreciates what he is, even if that includes being kind of a shit on occasion. He is incredibly sensitive. Theo Epstein is also represented quite well, but appears to have the unfortunate tendency to deal with everything but his own issues until he goes crazy. Kevin Millar comes off as a total ass, as does Nomar, who is paranoid beyond belief.

And CHB? You know you were all waiting for it. Well, here it is: I did not believe I could think any worse of him than I did before.

I was wrong.

I assume Mnookin probably has some pre-formed bias against him, also being a member of the media, which he habitually manages to discredit, but. . .wow, just wow. CHB comes off the worst of any character in the book, by far, even though he doesn't actually get all that much mention. It's a total of maybe 5 pages, although I guess if you consider that he's just a columnist, that's kind of a lot. I don't want to reproduce stuff here, because it's probably a copyright violation, so I will try to summarize the stuff that was not in the free excerpts.

You all know about the Dirty Laundry stuff. I mentioned it in a previous post. Nothing really new to add there, except that the Red Sox conducted an internal investigation to determine Steinberg's role in the leak, and he was effectively muzzled from there on out. Jeremy Kapstein, whose most notable feature seems to be wearing the same windbreaker 24/7 and stealing people's sandwiches (no joke), also seems suspicious.

The kicker, though, is the stuff Mnookin writes on CHB's Jan. 20 column. You know, the one where he says Theo is holding the Red Sox "hostage" and that Henry should tell him to "get lost."

Apparently, CHB went to Henry before he ran the column to tell him what was in it, at which time Henry told him Theo was coming back and they were just waiting to announce it until they talked with the limited partners over the weekend. So CHB told him tough shit, the column was running the next day. Here, I will write one quote:

"He was going to write things that were nasty," says Tom Werner. "And false."

So the Red Sox rushed the announcement because Henry was worried that Theo would get upset again. Here, Mnookin writes that, "Shaughnessy seemed to take the announcement as a personal affront." At which point we got an amended version that called Theo "at best immature and at worst duplicitous."

I'm sorry, the Globe needs to fire this guy. He's gone from being a relentless negativist to actually causing harm to the subjects he writes about. If a scientist is performing an experiment and starts interfering with the results, he doesn't have a job much longer, because he sucks at it. The same thing should apply here, I think. It is not a columnist's job to be the news or to cause the news. It is to react to the news. In the span of 3 months, we have CHB publishing deliberately crafted cartel propaganda that causes a high-ranking executive to quit, and we have him publishing his own falsified crap to try to sabotage the return of this executive out of spite. Such a personality clearly isn't cut out to be a columnist, much less in Boston. Get him out of there before he does something worse. I'm absolutely disgusted.

Other tidbits from the book:

-On the afternoon of Oct. 31, Lucchino apparently came storming down to the basement and started yelling hysterically at Theo about the PR mess he was causing right in front of the entire baseball operations department. I imagine watching everybody try to shrink into the wall would have been extremely fun.

-Manny Ramirez sticks his cell phone camera down his pants and takes pictures of his. . .you know.

-There is an extremely funny anecdote in there about the Curt Schilling saga that involves Jed Hoyer coming down with a stomach virus on the last day of the negotiations and projectile vomiting all over Theo's hotel room merely after drinking Gatorade. Sounds like he threw up in a suitcase. Charming.

In conclusion: CHB is a turd. Buy the book.

Dirty Laundry Redux

I was debating whether or not to do this, but since the column was being discussed in the comments of the last post anyway, I figured why not. Let's take another look at that column. I have nothing else to do right now. CHB appears to be on vacation and has not published any crap for awhile. It's probably going to be re-analyzed everywhere else anyway, now that we have new information. So, in honor of a frequent CHB technique...regurgitation, ladies and gentlemen!

The first few paragraphs consist of vague ballwasheries (look, a neologism!) and some fluff about the Bible that doesn't seem to make me recall any biblical stories I know, but perhaps I'm just forgetting one. Skip all that. It's not worth your time. Here's where the bullshit starts:

Larry taught Theo too well and now he is looking in the mirror as he tries to hammer out a deal with the GM he made in his own image. Both are merely doing what they are trained to do. In Theo's case, he's doing what Larry trained him to do.

"Made in his own image." I know where that is in the Bible. Genesis! Larry is God. Theo is Adam. Who is Eve in all this? Who caused Theo to sin and fall out of favor? I'll arbitrarily attach the label to, um....okay, never mind. This whole thing is bunk anyway. CHB is acting like Theo is some toddler who needs his personality formed by his parents, like both of them are the result of some Pavlovian conditioning experiment in which they're "trained to act" in a certain way. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

What is alarming -- for the future of the Sox franchise -- is Theo's sudden need to distance himself from those who helped him rise to his position of power. Lucchino and Dr. Charles Steinberg are a pair of Red Sox executives who ''discovered" Theo when he was a student at Yale. They picked him out of thousands of wannabe interns. They hired him in Baltimore and then took him to San Diego with them. They held his hand and drove him places during his Wonder Years. They urged him to get his law degree. And when they set up stakes at Fenway Park, they fought vigorously to bring him home. A year later, when Billy Beane got cold feet, Lucchino turned to 28-year-old Theo and made him the (then) youngest GM in the history of baseball.

This absolutely has Steinberg and Lucchino written all over it. It's so badly done that all you can do is laugh at how crude the parrot job is. I'm fairly sure that this is the first thing that set Theo off, the second thing coming shortly after. "Held his hand?" "Wonder Years?" Again, let's please not commit the logical fallacy of making him seem like a precocious toddler, Dan, because everybody and their brother absolutely knows that's not true. If you want to do a rip job, you have to at least make it seem believable.

And now Theo ''bristles at the notion of Steinberg and Lucchino taking credit for his success."

The problem with this is? Why do they get to take credit for it? If somebody took the credit for my success, I'd be pretty pissed off. It wasn't their success, it was his. Astonishing.

That was in March. And now we are in October. And a considerable amount of misinformation has been spilled.

"And I'm going to add to the cesspool."

Let's start with Theo being a ''baseball guy" while Larry is a lawyer with a lofty title (CEO). Granted, Epstein is a student of the game, but it's a mistake to say he knows more about baseball than Lucchino or anyone else in the Red Sox baseball operation. Theo is 31 years old and did not play baseball past high school. He spent four years at Yale and three years at law school. That hardly leaves time for much more than rotisserie league scouting.

Let's start with this being a pile of absolute horseshit. What is Lucchino's background in player evaluation? Oh, that's right, he doesn't have any. Yes, actually, Dan, Theo does know more about baseball than Lucchino. Maybe not the business side, but the playing side? Sure he does. Being born in 1973 does not logically lead to the conclusion that he doesn't know anything. You can know a lot at 31. Also, those 3 years in law school? Ran concurrently with a full-time BASEBALL OPERATIONS job with the Padres. You wrote that in your own goddamned book, you moron.

Lucchino was a good high school baseball player and made it to the NCAA Final Four with Princeton's basketball team. He came to baseball as an executive in 1979, when Theo was 5 years old. That doesn't make him George Digby or Ray Boone, but he's not Les Otten, either.

This makes absolutely no sense. He bashes Theo for not playing baseball past high school, and then he never mentions that Lucchino didn't, either! A "good high school baseball player." And then he played BASKETBALL in college. Which has absolutely no relationship whatsoever to baseball except that the words have some of the same letters. Good God. And there's the whole, "Larry is older than Theo" angle. So are you, Dan. It doesn't make you any less of a shit.

Lucchino-bashers, and they are legion, maintain that he repeatedly has undermined Theo and on occasion killed deals made by Epstein and the minions. There was one, for sure. When Theo's assistant Josh Byrnes (hired by Arizona as GM Friday) made a deal with Colorado, Epstein thought he had a better deal with another club and requested that Lucchino fall on the sword and invoke the ownership approval clause to kill the Rockies deal. Accustomed to people hating him, Lucchino took the fall, killing the deal and saving Epstein.

I would guess this is the paragraph that pushed Theo over the edge. There's only one place CHB could have gotten that info. And, FWIW, it's wrong. John Henry killed that deal. He wanted to send money instead of prospects and wasn't aware that Colorado had made a deal in anticipation of that one being rubber-stamped. Why he then let Josh Byrnes and Theo take the blame, I have no clue. But the above version is wrong And it probably came from Steinberg. And if CHB had stopped to think about it, he would realize that it makes no sense. Read the quotes after the trade, Dan. Lucchino didn't fall on his sword for anybody, and doing so would be completely out of character. Instead, he threw Josh Byrnes under the bus, forcing Theo to come out and accept blame for something he probably didn't have much to do with, given all the Manny shit at the time. Have we forgotten this? And if the Epstein-Lucchino relationship was in as bad shape as Mnookin claims it to be, it is absolutely unfathomable that Theo would ask Lucchino to do such a thing. That, and he's not a weasel.

It was charged last week that Sox management conducted a ''smear campaign" against Epstein. How? Where's the campaign?

Right here, retard.

Juicy gossip redux

There is a big excerpt of Seth Mnookin's book in the Globe magazine this morning. It's pretty long and most of it is irrelevant, but I would like to reproduce the following portion:

Then he got a phone call alerting him to an article in that day's Boston Globe. On the front page of the paper's sports section was a Dan Shaughnessy column entitled, "Let's Iron Out Some of This Dirty Laundry." When Epstein began reading, he felt his stomach drop. After weeks during which he'd talked with Henry, Werner, and Lucchino about his unease about the organization, here was confirmation of his worst fears. In his column, Shaughnessy, who'd known Lucchino since the 1980s, when both men worked in Baltimore, chided Epstein for not properly respecting his superiors. After all, Shaughnessy wrote, it was Lucchino who'd "discovered" Epstein and "held his hand" during his first years in baseball. Now, Shaughnessy wrote, Epstein was exhibiting an "alarming . . . need to distance himself from those who helped him rise to his position of power." Epstein, according to Shaughnessy, didn't even know all that much about baseball. "It's a mistake to say [Epstein] knows more about baseball than Lucchino or anyone else in the Red Sox baseball operation," he wrote.

Duh. Okay. Most of us have seen this crap enough times already, including in the article on Friday. Sorry for repeating it . I just didn't feel like the next part flowed very well without a brief intro.

Either Lucchino or Red Sox executive vice president in charge of public affairs Charles Steinberg, Epstein felt sure, had prompted the column. Both men, after all, had been heard saying lines almost identical to some Shaughnessy had used. (About a week earlier, several sources confirm, Steinberg had a conversation with Shaughnessy and another reporter in which he said many of the things that ended up in Shaughnessy's column. Steinberg says he never "spoke ill against Theo." "Nor would I," he says, "because that's inconsistent with how I've felt about him all these years, and I still know, with the grace of God, he's destined for more greatness.")

Mystery solved. There it is, right there. We all knew CHB was a tool, right? This is all the proof you need. It's amazing how poorly done the whole job was, too. If you're going to do it right, at least make a token effort to have it seem balanced. Instead it came out like some editorial in the Pyongyang Times. So it was the Minister of Fun, eh? This was already called at the time:

FWIW the article didn't make Theo leave, but if you were gonna bet on it, I'd tell you to bet that it was the proverbial "straw" given the load of BS in it, and the 100% blatantly obvious "industry source" who uttered, OUT LOUD, some of the EXACT comments that were IN the article on Sunday, verbatim.

Curt Schilling on SoSH, ladies and gentlemen, on November 4, 2005. As a side note, I call BS on Steinberg's comments about Theo, as an acquaintance of mine worked with both of them in Baltimore and says they haven't been on the best of terms since Theo was 18 years old (1991). I wouldn't say that it was anything like what apparently happened last fall, but let's not pretend they were buddy-buddy. Steinberg is a PR guy, after all, which means that you really can't take anything at face value.

Does it seem to anyone else that by printing this excerpt of the book in the Globe, somebody may be trying to throw Shaughnessy under a bus? He comes off really, really badly here. It's one thing to talk to a source and write something based on what he says. Quite normal, actually. It's another to not even bother to investigate any possible agenda behind it and make any sort of attempt to get the other side. I know it was a column, not a news story, but let's please have some standards here. This just smacks of laziness and malevolence. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Perhaps the 17% Globe is trying to make itself appear more objective. Or maybe they're just trying to make themselves the story again. Note to the Globe: It's not always a good thing.

If this is all the mention CHB gets in the book, rest assured that I will say as much when I finish it and post no more about it. I know some of you have to be getting tired of it. But I fully expect him to be mentioned in conjunction with Nomar and some others, so there will probably be more. Hey, it's not like you're actually being forced to read his writing, just Mnookin's and mine.

Juicy gossip

I'd like to address this article by Gordon Edes, which, along with its subject matter, is going to be pretty controversial.

Seth Mnookin, a columnist for various papers, is coming out with a book about the Sox FO called "Feeding the Monster" on July 11. Being a Red Sox-obsessed geek, I've pre-ordered a copy and can't wait to read it. That didn't change at all after today's column on it, but I have to admit I was a little repelled, which is not my normal reaction to Edes.

What he does here is give us a little smattering of material in the book. That's well and good. I've seen some of it already on Mnookin's website. But Edes focuses almost entirely on the events of last Halloween. The book is 450 freaking pages, there is a lot more in it than that. Everyone's going to read it anyway, but why did the Globe have to highlight it? Given their ambiguous ties with the Red Sox and all the media shit that hit the fan last year, you'd think they might want to be a little more cautious.

CHB watch: Of course, our favorite columnist is also mentioned. Here's the excerpt:

And Epstein, despite his ``bitterness" over leaks about the negotiations, ``was at peace" with his decision to return, until reading an Oct. 30 column in the Globe by Dan Shaughnessy, headlined ``Let's iron out some of this dirty laundry," that was critical of Epstein. Convinced that either Lucchino or his longtime lieutenant, Dr. Charles Steinberg, was the source of the column, Epstein e-mailed Henry with his intentions to resign the next day, according to the book.

``I have a huge pit in my stomach," Epstein wrote, ``but it's nowhere near as big a pit as I'd have if I'd already signed a contract."

So there you have it, clear as day. This has long been what I suspected, and what CHB couldn't seem to get through his thick skull. The column in and of itself did not cause any sort of huge about-face. It just pushed Theo over the edge. CHB never seemed to understand that it wasn't the words themselves that did it, but what they were symbolic of: a breach of trust. And since he wrote the damned thing, he's complicit. Let's not pretend he's the only one that would have written the thing, because journalists are journalists (read: turdballs) but his poison pen is unique.

I'm not quite sure why the paper would want this published. It's publicity, but I don't subscribe to the adage that any publicity is good publicity. They had enough egg on their face when that "Epstein signs 3-year contract" story (written by Edes, incidentally) turned out to be wrong, and then when it turned out that another one of their columnists was a reason why it was wrong, the egg became an omelet. Nobody trusts the Globe any more. I personally know dozens of people who called in and cancelled their subscriptions on Nov. 1. And yet here they are, broadcasting clear as day what people suspected already, and even linking to the stupid column! I just don't get it.

And one more thing: After reading what I've read, I have to say that anybody in the Sox FO who was surprised when Theo resigned is an oblivious idiot. There were multiple openings to stop that train wreck. It was coming from a mile away.

A shot of sanity

As you can tell by the title, I am not talking about a CHB column today. Instead, how about a little change of pace toward the positive? Bob Ryan has written a really excellent column today. Basically, he voices the incredulity many of us feel at watching half the fan base alternatively jump on and off the bandwagon based on whether or not the Red Sox have won or lost 2 games in a row, and tells these people to stop getting their panties in a bunch. After all, come on, guys, we're not Yankees fans.

So Bob Ryan, I salute you, and I wish you would give your colleague lessons.

Hitting Bottom

Forget the life preserver. Dan has struck bottom and I don't think he's coming back up.

The Red Sox finish their demolition of the National League, going 16 and 2. The NBA draft just ended and Celtics have all sorts of tricks up their sleeves (we hope). The Bruins have a new GM, a new coach and a new star defenseman. Wimbledon! The World Cup! Locusts!

And there's The Bravest Columnist Joe Sullivan Has Ever Seen(TM), the star of the Boston Globe sports pages, writing on ... women's golf.

And not just writing on it; he's outright rooting. "You can take Annika Sorenstam. I'm going with Pat Hurst.

"ESPN and the gin-drinking Nick Carraways and Jordan Bakers on the porch at the stately Newport clubhouse no doubt will be rooting for Annika. It makes for a much better story line. Not me. I'm pulling for the working mom who sits on her golf bag between shots."

What happened to "I root for the story?" Sounds good, but in truth it's just D.S.

Anchor's away!

How many game recaps do we need?

Sorry this is late, I was watching a thrilling match between Germany and Argentina (brother is currently running around the house in his Lukas Podolski jersey yelling his head off) and didn't feel like ruining my fun to read this junk.

Today, we learn that the Boston Red Sox are playing fairly well.

Really? Wow. I had no idea. ESPN has only told me approximately 8 million times that they have won 12 straight games and that they have some huge long errorless streak going. I've only, you know, watched all these wins, being a Sox fan. The Red Sox are looking good? Who would have guessed it?

Honestly, what is the point of this column? There really isn't much to say about it, because the game recap is right above it and contains pretty much the same information. So let's just leave it at that.

He Named Names

It was Dan's long awaited take on the even-longer awaited return of Pedro Martínez to Fenway Park. It was hard to say which one stunk worse.

Summoning the ghost of Saul Bellow, The CHB ticked off a litany of names and out-of-place references: John Wasdin, Sonny Liston, Floyd Patterson, Johnny Damon, Cal Ripken, Barbra Streisand, Ann Coulter (!). Other than naming names, though, intermixed with a pedestrian game account, the column lacked any sense of depth or proportion of what the game meant to Martínez.

The CHB did note that Pedro didn't have his best stuff (eight runs allowed on seven hits and two walks in three innings), yet he (thankfully) shelved the childish nicknames (the Dominican Diva, for example) and his usual snideness, save one line: "We saw some of old Pedro when he drilled Loretta in the wrist on an 0 and 2 pitch with two outs and nobody aboard in the second" (as if Pedro, down 4-0 at that point and with Ortiz and Manny due up next, would really pick that spot to make a point).

Perhaps The CHB let up as he sensed -- correctly for a change -- that the winds were blowing Pedro's way, that Boston fans recognized the masterful performance he put on during his time in Boston and were ready to welcome him home.

No, you don't need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows. Just read Dan.

Grady Little watch (you knew there would be one, didn't you?): "He rarely cracked 90 miles per hour and needed 75 pitches to get through the three frames. Even Grady Little would have pulled him out of this one."

Dan Good Parodies

Bruce Allen's Write Like Dan contest has produced some outstanding parodies. I'm not so sure The CHB himself didn't submit the piece titled, A Prodigal Returns to face Red Sox Nation.

Read and vote on your favorite here.

No Pedro column yet?

Oh, darn. Guess I'll have to deal with that one tomorrow morning. Anyway, I might have a little trouble with today's contribution, because I wasn't born in 1986. So please forgive me for largely leaving the historical stuff out, and feel free to pick away at it in the comments, because I'm really not going to know the difference. We all good? Okay.

Today's piece is intended to be a smarmy, heart-warming work about the 1986 Red Sox, the infamous Bill Buckner posse. Unheralded! Fantastic! Surprising! Soul-crushing! You get the idea. Right off the bat, we get such nonsense as this:

The Red Sox? They were well below the radar, coming off a thoroughly boring 81-81 season.

Okay, I don't live in Boston, and I wasn't around then, but have the Red Sox ever been below anybody's radar? I have trouble believing this. And since when is 81-81 boring? Seems pretty exciting to me. The season could go either way after that. But what do I know?

There was no Nation, no Monster Section, no pink hats, no ``Sweet Caroline", no Curse, and no automatic sellout for every game.

Minor nitpick: "Sweet Caroline" was written by Neil Diamond in 1969 (yes, I had to look that up). So technically, it was there. Just not at Fenway. But I know what he meant.

Major nitpick: Yup, people, there's that "Curse" again! It wasn't there yet because a certain ugly curly-haired columnist hadn't yet come up with a completely stupid way to make money by writing a book about an odd coincidence! And here he is, pimping it! Yay for CHB!

Also, why does he list things that have only occurred since the Henry/Werner/Lucchino group took over? Nation? Monster Section? Automatic sellout? Not exactly ancient history, Dan. Most of us can remember back farther than 4 years.

They've all been treated unfairly, of course, and I'll own up to my contributions in this area.

Oh my gosh. Is CHB apologizing? Look at this! Oh, wait. He says "I'll own up to my contributions." Future tense. Then he never does. Never mentions anything he said previously. I should have known better.

Now, we get to the most ridiculous paragraph I've ever seen:

These men who'll be honored tonight engineered a comeback every bit as unlikely as what the '04 Red Sox did against the Yankees. Trailing the California Angels, three games to one, they came back from a 5-2 deficit in the ninth inning of Game 5 in Anaheim. And it was Buckner who started the rally with a single up the middle in the ninth. A home run by Dave Henderson became instant Boston folklore as the Sox rallied to win Game 5, 7-6, in 11 innings.

They won the next two in Boston with ease, then took the first two games of the Series in New York.

Holy shit, Dan. No, they didn't. The '04 Red Sox had the most unlikely comeback in the history of sports. Coming back from down 3-0 in the series had never happened before. Please don't tell me you've forgotten all this already, how magical it was, how unexpected: it was two freaking years ago! Coming back from down 3-1, winning one game in extras, and then the other two "easily" is nowhere near as unlikely as coming back from down 3-0, never done before in MLB history, winning two games in extras, winning a game with a pitcher who probably shouldn't have been able to walk at all, and then winning the fourth game easily. Utter BS. Just wow.

The 1986 team deserves credit, not just for coming back against the Angels, not just for making it to Game 7 of the Series, but for putting big league baseball back on the map in New England.

I firmly believe this to be a hot load of crap, but I might be wrong.

Moral pontificating

Hello, readers!

I'm not Chief. As you may have noticed. Some of you will probably recognize me as "jenny" from the comments, and for those who don't, well, that's me. Chief has asked me to help out with the unenviable task of running CHB's crap through a strainer, and I'm grateful for the invitation. So, with that out of the way, let's get to today's Sunday surprise.

People should not beat their wives.

Shocking, right? I have no problem with this message. Wife-beating is unacceptable. We all know that.

But coming from Dan Shaughnessy? Let's get something straight here: I am NOT comparing the crime of writing insulting garbage in a newspaper to the crime of domestic abuse. There's no comparison. But please. With all the horrible things this man has written about people over the years that HE should be called out publicly way more than he is, this is a little ironic.

And so he was out there throwing cut fastballs and changeups on a misty, humid afternoon. Nice message for all the young folks watching at home and in the stands.

You know what the nice message was? The nice message was that the guy got the shit booed out of him every time he stepped out of the dugout. It was abundantly clear that NOBODY approved of what he'd done. As far as those "young folks," let's take a look around the league, Dan. Brett Myers is neither the first nor the last player to beat his wife, as you noted later on with your mention of Wil "Telephone Bludgeon" Cordero. The league is full of drug abusers (and yes, you can take that any way you please), drunk drivers, and other such lovely role models. Sidney Ponson and Jason Michaels are in trouble for assaulting police officers. Point is, Dan, most of these guys are not really people you want your kids emulating. Let's not act like Brett Myers is the sole scum of the earth.

It's just plain wrong. It's an embarrassment to baseball and an embarrassment to the Phillies. At the very least, Myers would have been better off if he'd been sent home to start counseling with his wife. Or maybe someone in authority could have condemned domestic violence -- in the generic sense. Instead all we got was ``the game must go on" -- 36 hours after a man was arrested for beating his wife.

Yes, it is an embarrassment. It's always an embarrassment. Does Dan think for some reason that if he draws attention to this issue, which has already been written about twice in the Globe by other people, it will become more of an embarrassment? Everybody already condemns domestic violence. We don't need Dan Shaughnessy, of all people, to tell us it's wrong, especially when this issue has already been beaten (no pun intended) to death by various other writers. It's quite obvious what everyone thinks of Myers, Dan, since you aptly pointed out the resounding chorus of boos he received from the Fenway crowd. What exactly is the point of this column?

Oh, and I don't think he can go home and start counseling right away. He's not allowed to go near her.

Where Was Dan?

While Boston Red Sox players were popping pills, rubbing on creams and injecting needles, their baseball writers were ... where, exactly?

And while ex Red Sox come forward to tell their tales, where is their star columnist?

The Boston Globe edit page today complains that while drugs were running rampant, no one was minding the store: "Selig, the owners, and the union might have stopped it from reaching the scale it did in the late-1990s if baseball had not welcomed the explosion of home runs powered by the drugs as a way to lure back fans disillusioned by the strike of 1994."

But in taking everyone to the whipping shed, the paper conveniently spared a few lashes for the one group whose only job is to inform the public: its very own writers.

While the needles were being filled, where was Dan?

And while the battle and disclosures of today rage on, where is Dan?

Write Like Dan

Are the Globe editors as confused as Shaughnessy is? His latest "picked up pieces" column is filed under GOLF.

Not much here...just the usual tripe: Dan hates soccer, Mark Cuban and Gary Glitter, and loves Tom Verducci, Jeff Samardzija and Stephen Stills. Whoopee!


In anticipation of the return of Pedro Martinez to Boston, Bruce Allen at Boston Sports Media Watch is offering a "Write like Shaughnessy" contest. I'd highly recommend it. But first, borrow a friend's motorcycle and ride it, helmutless, into a concrete wall. Next, get really, really drunk. Then write your column.

On another note, jenny when you get a moment drop me a line at thechbblows@yahoo.com.

Last Legs?

Putting aside for a moment the complete inanity of The CHB's latest effort, let's recap his coverage since coming back from his own private Idaho (or wherever the hell he was for the better part of May):
* A groundbreaking, insider's look at Harvard's equipment man, whose name (Chet Stone) sounds like a porn star's.
* A trio of dispatches from the crucial Twins-Red Sox series.
* A rewrite of his tongue-in-cheek breakdown of the typical Boston fan.

In the Boston fan piece, he interviews the two village idiots, Bob Lobel and Gerry Callahan, perhaps with the rare insight that by putting those two clowns front and center, it would take the attention (and heat) off Dan himself.

In the pieces from Minneapolis, he can barely cast a middle finger toward the Sox; the worst insult he can manage is to call the then-tepid Boston offense "vaunted." He actually sounds like he feels sorry for Matt Clement.

He is clearly picking his spots, picking subjects and taking positions that are of such little interest to the five readers he has left that no one will bother to criticize him.

In today's column, two items stick out, and for all the wrong reasons.

1. What Dan wrote: "But what about the absurdity of Frank Robinson not making baseball's 30-man All-Century team in 2000? Mark McGwire was on that team. Pete Rose was on that team. Ken Griffey Jr. was on that team. No room for Frank -- a guy who could hit, run, field, and throw? The MVP in both leagues? Pete Rose over Frank Robinson?"
What Dan didn't write: Anything about the omission at the time it occurred.

2. What Dan wrote: "Frank Robinson is quite possibly the most underrated player in the history of baseball. Certainly he got his props, making the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility and being part of 12 All-Star teams. He remains the only man to win the MVP award in both leagues and had his No. 20 uniform jersey retired by both the Reds and Orioles. He was Rookie of the Year with the Reds in 1956 and in 1975 became the first African-American to manage in the majors. Ever-dramatic, Robinson homered in his first game as player-manager of the Indians."

This graf is The CHB in a nutshell. A hypothesis statement, followed by a point by point ticking off of occasionally random facts that completely obliterate that very hypothesis. And amid all Dan is completely oblivious to the fact that his "proof" does not support his argument. Quintessential Shaughnessy.

And it's just another shovel of dirt cast on the vestiges of a mediocre career.

Sh*t Hits at Fans

As if we didn't have enough proof that The CHB has been getting paid a princely sum the past few years simply for pressing CTRL+C and CTRL+V, he so much as admits it here.

In this week's Globe magazine, the Mailman rewrites his essay of 16 years ago in which he categorized the sports fans of Boston. For this year's version, he digs up some of the fans he spoke with in the 1990 piece, while also interviewing better-known faces like Bob Lobel and Gerry Callahan, of whom it is said "co-hosts a sports talk show on WEEI radio" (Callahan's Boston Herald affiliation is mysteriously absent). Ain't it sweet when you can take a 4,400 word article, complete with interviews, without ever leaving the press box?

Weird quote of the column: " 'By any measure, it's a football town,' says WEEI's Callahan. 'How can it not be? There's more interest in out-of-town football than there is in out-of-town baseball. The passion for the Red Sox does not make it a baseball town. Look at the TV ratings.' " Ever heard of summer, Gerry? That's when baseball is played. That's also when the weather is nice and people take vacations and there's lots of stuff to do outside. Can't exactly say the same about Sunday afternoons in December in Boston.

Wild Daze Ahead

Sorry for the late post; have been traveling way too much recently.

I read today's column while en route from Boston to Philly. My first thought was, Hey Dan, haven't seen you in awhile. My second was, The CHB reappears for this?

Shaughnessy has barely caressed the keyboard of late, and when he has the topics have been for the most part peripheral to sports life in Boston. He's gone from rewriting old columns to barely writing at all -- and sending them by box turtle when he does.

There was the 50,000-word dispatch on some relic at Harvard who handled equipment for the sports teams. That ran almost two weeks ago, and was more or less Dan's only effort until his road trip this week to the baseball Mecca of Minneapolis, where he had drafted a pair of mundane pieces on the key Red Sox-Twins matchup.

On to today's attempted whimsy.

His latest remarks come in response to the announcement that Globe sportswriter Chris Snow is leaving to take a front office job with the Minnesota Wild NHL franchise. There are numerous problems with this piece, as several folks have already cited. Two others are:

* He finishes the piece by calling Snow's move "one in a million," yet before the jump he ticked off no fewer than seven pro sports executives who got their starts as sportswriters.

* His claim that Peter Gammons would make a great GM: "What fan would not be comfortable with Gammons making personnel decisions for his or her team?" Ummm, me (although I think Dan's imitation of Gammons' famously fractured syntax was amusing -- assuming it was intended, of course).

This appears to be the end of the line for Dan. The Red Sox and Yankees are engaged in yet another classic struggle, and the best he can do is weak reminisces. I find it sad, in a way, though not Shakespearean. It's more like seeing the poor sot who used to go around talking to himself in the park now curled in the fetal position waiting to finally succumb to death's grip. So long, Aqualung.

Grim Reaper

Last night Arizona pitcher Jason Grimsley was busted by federal agents for possession of human growth hormone and steroids. Why is this relevant? Because Dan (and other media types) have droned on and on about how baseball players who have used such drugs weren't until recently breaking any rules.

This is just more evidence that said scribes are stuck, perhaps hopelessly, in a black hole of awareness.

Major League Baseball may have its own rules. But those dictates do not obviate the laws of the nation, and it would be novel if the media quit acting to the contrary.

Spiked Spokes

Bruins fans, take heart: With his second column on the Bruins in the can, The CHB has hit his annual quota and you won't have to worry about his ugly mug appearing anywhere near your beloved B's again this year.

I have to say, you'll surely miss him. Where else could you get his special hockey expertise, gleaned from 30-plus years of baseball watching? Where else could you get his wisdom of knowing just whom the B's should hire as GM, and on what terms? Where else could you see his "Make me look just like Ronald McDonald" perm?

Truly a loss for both sides.