A Friendly Reminder From Dan Shaughnessy

Shank would like you to know what's happening with the 2020 version of the Olde Towne Team:

Mission Accomplished: At this moment, the Red Sox (15-29 -- .340909) are the worst team in baseball.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 9, 2020

As a person who appreciates high-level math, I'm pleased to see Shank carry the 'winning' percentage out to six digits. Accuracy is everything!

The Usual Suspects

Missed from a few weeks ago:

Oh, Mike Felger, Dan Shaughnessy, Gerry Callahan, to name a few. https://t.co/JjxMexPsmD

— Bruce Allen (@bruceallen) July 2, 2020

What Do You Mean 'Now', Kemosabe?

One thing's for sure - Shank has never done 'disingenuous' very well.

Should we now be worried about the Red Sox?

At what point, precisely, are we allowed to wonder whether these Red Sox are OK?

You've been 'wonder'ing from Game 1, asshole...

We have made the excuses. The Sox have a World Series hangover. They had a rugged schedule the first 11 days. They were due for some reality, and Tuesday the Sox told us that Chris Sale had no fastball in Oakland because he was sick. The struggling Sox cannot possibly fall out of contention because everybody in the American League (besides the Astros and Yankees) stinks.

Pay no attention to this early slump, the Sox are going to be OK.

Swell.

But Tuesday’s home opener reopened the vault of suspicion and has us seriously wondering what is going on with the Local Nine. The Red Sox got their 2018 championship rings, celebrated amid an amazing/gaudy assemblage of hardware (10 championship trophies) and star power (Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, and Rob Gronkowski in the same space?), then took the field and produced yet another stinkbomb, this one a 7-5 loss to the tanking Toronto Blue Jays.

Note the use of the royal 'we' and 'us', in a lame effort to take his fingerprints off yet another negative column. The problem, so far - the 2019 Red Sox haven't given him (or should I say 'us'?) to say otherwise.

Bullpen Blues

Remember Shank bitching about the Boston Red Sox's bullpen for great stretches of the 2018 season, in order to create as much doubt about the team as possible? It's baaaack!

SEATTLE — It was long after midnight back in Boston when Red Sox clubhouse boss Tommy McLaughlin walked across the locker room and gently placed a game-used baseball on a shelf in the locker of Matt Barnes. When Barnes returned to his stall after recording his first major league save since 2017, the ball was resting — trophy-like, on a can of Skoal.

The Red Sox have a closer and his name is Matt Barnes.

Just don’t expect manager Alex Cora to call him that.
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After the win, the manager was asked if he’s ready to name his closer and answered, “No. There’s no . . . I mean, we stay with the plan. We were watching the game and the game dictated for Barnes to be in the ninth. You saw Brasier getting up before. We’ve got people that can get people out in the eighth, ninth, seventh.’’

The Sox are defensive about this, almost defiant. Kimbrel and Joe Kelly were allowed to walk away after the World Series and nobody was brought in to replace them. It’s clear that the biggest question regarding the 2019 Red Sox is their bullpen. Cora and Dombrowski don’t see it that way.

Just like it was last year, and it worked out just fine for the Red Sox - just don't expect Shank to acknowledge that point.

Does This Guy Complain About Everything?

I'm gonna go with 'yes':

Disgrace that Ramirez flyball ruled a double. What does it take to get an error these days??

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 22, 2018

He Does Have A Point

If this wasn't such an over the top hot take, I'd almost agree with Shank here:

I hope I am not alone in my belief that last night's Red Sox walkoff win was the most demoralizing victory in baseball history.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) August 29, 2018

Of course, this take tweet elicited some choice responses:

Not as demoralizing as writing for a team that you don’t even like.

— Timothy Tim (@timbosox) August 29, 2018

It's true, no team in any sport has "wonugly" in the history of the earth. Stupid.

— Bad Journalism (@WEEI_TYPOS) August 29, 2018

would you have rather them lost?

— Patrick Kelly (@PKellyMLB) August 29, 2018

Do you even have to ask, Patrick?

And the winner:

I am definitely not alone in thinking that Ted Williams would absolutely hate you if he was playing today.

— Christopher Smith (@smithtmj) August 29, 2018

Rainy Tuesday

It's raining outside right now, so it makes sense for Shank to continue to rain on the Red Sox parade, writing / reusing a column theme he's been beating to death the past few weeks, with a helpful caption / reminder below the top picture:

Xander Bogaerts (left) and Brandon Workman are the only two Red Sox players with championship rings (from the 2013 World Series).

So much winning.

I am reading that these 2018 Red Sox might be the best Red Sox team ever. I have been made aware that no team has ever won 68 games before the All-Star break. I know that of the 19 teams to win 68 of their first 98 games, 17 went on to win the pennant and 11 won the World Series.

The Red Sox are white-hot and they’re going to stay hot after the break. Starting Friday in Detroit, the Sox resume their season with series against the Tigers, Orioles, and Twins (aggregate 63 games under .500). Alex Cora’s men might be playing .700 baseball by the time they face another team with a winning record.

Easy Call Made / Glass Is Half Empty Guy

The Boston Red Sox have the best record in baseball and have won six road games in a row. Once again, Shank belittles this achievement by saying 'all the other teams suck':

The Red Sox Sunday completed their three-game sweep of the Kansas City Royals. Aggregate score: Boston 32, Kansas City 13.

The Sox are now 62-29 — 33 games over .500. The Royals have lost nine straight and 27 of 31. KC is 39 games under .500.

If one team is winning a lot of games, that strongly implies another team / teams is / are losing a lot of games. Logic has never been one of Shank's strong suits.

The Sox come home Monday and get to play the last-place Rangers for the next three nights. Then we’ll get a weekend look at the moribund Blue Jays who are 20 games out of first place.

On and on it goes. Meaningless game after meaningless game as the Red Sox put up cartoonish numbers while we wait for the real games to start in October. So much winning.

Whoop dee do.

If anyone has doubts about Shank despising at least this local professional sports team, that last little sentence should remove all doubt. This column goes on to make some good points about some of the reasons behind the declining popularity of baseball, but they are greatly devalued with flippant comments like that one.

Are you ready for this particular load of crap?

Here in baseball-savvy Boston, the Olde Towne Team is playing at a near-record pace, but it seems that local sports fans only want to talk about the Celtics and NBA free agency. Tom Brady and Julian Edelman. Try to find good baseball conversation. Spend an hour alternating between the Sports Hub and WEEI and take note of how little baseball conversation you hear. Unless there’s yet another caller bashing David Price, the Sox don’t generate much sports talk these days.

Shank appears for two hours on 98.5 The Sports Hub just about every week. If he feels there isn't enough baseball conversation, there's a way to address that problem - provide it when you do these appearances.

Strikeout inflation is a big part of the problem. I have grown to hate strikeouts. A strikeout used to be a measure of a pitcher’s dominance. Not anymore. Everybody strikes out. All the time. A 10-strikeout effort by a starting pitcher is no longer a big deal. For the first time in history, baseball features more strikeouts than hits. This will be the 11th consecutive season in which MLB sets a record for strikeouts.

Whoop dee bloody do.

See what I mean?

In case you're wondering, Shank still hates numbers and the people that use them:

Aanalytics (copy desk - get me rewrite! - ed.) are out of control. Even commissioner Rob Manfred agrees. Manfred recently told The Athletic, “There is a growing recognition that analytics have produced certain trends in the game that we may need to be more proactive about reversing. There are owners that feel that way. There are fans that feel that way.’’

Meanwhile, as the game is taken over by geeks, the players become more faceless. Mike Trout? Great player. Why isn’t he as popular and well known as Kevin Durant or Steph Curry?

I don't know, Shank - maybe columnists could write about him some more?

This is fairly irritating - Shank bitches and moans about a lack of certain sports conversation, yet he is in a position to rectify this in two ways - in print and in media. If he chooses not to do so, I think he should shut the hell up about it. That is the root of passive-aggressive behavior, which is in my book a character flaw.

Pushing The Panic Button?

Unable to raise doubt about the Boston Celtics after a solid Game 2 victory, the Globe's answer to the Eye of Sauron sets his sights back on the Boston Red Sox:

I just asked Carson Smith if he could set record straight to what he meant in regards to being used a lot and told him how Cora was asked today on @DaleKeefeWEEI about whether he might be blaming Cora for overuse. He said he had “no comment.” added, “I’ve said what I need to say”

— Christopher Smith (@SmittyOnMLB) May 16, 2018

Pathetic. These Sox starting to look/sound like 2017 team and that is not good. https://t.co/D4X8ZcnrXX

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 16, 2018

All the more columns you can write to rag on them, Danno - think of it as an opportunity, not a problem!

If You Dig Deep Enough You'll Hit Some Rocks

He really is a relentlessly negative asshole, isn't he?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — So there. It’s all true. We weren’t making it up last summer/fall when we told you that the first-place 2017 Red Sox were sour, unhappy, dysfunctional, and headed for a fall. A couple of Sox everyday stalwarts gave voice to it Thursday morning at JetBlue Park before the second official workout for pitchers and catchers.

“We had a lot of stuff going on last year,’’ acknowledged Xander Bogaerts, a veteran of the 2013 world champion Red Sox.

Could he be a little more specific?

“I mean, we all know,’’ Bogaerts said. “We all know what was going on. I don’t think I want to get into details, but that’s what I said.

“The quicker we move on, the better for all of us. We should look forward to this year. It’s a new year. We should try to reach the playoffs again and get over that first round.’’

The problem right now is that Shank will not move on, until John Henry calls Shank into his office and tells him to knock this shit off.

Nattering Nabob Of Negativity

Where would anyone ever get the impression that Boston sports reporters & columnists are among the most negative people in the United States?

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 10-12. Lots of Sox bashing and some good Tomlin stuff. Plus Mitch Miller and the Gang.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 14, 2017

Oh - that's where!

You Aren't What Your Record Says You Are

Leave it to Shank to lay down the negative take on the Boston Celtics grabbing the #1 seed in the Eastern Conference.

Fast forward six decades to the New Garden, where the 53-win, top-seeded Celtics will open the playoffs Sunday against old friend Rajon Rondo and the eighth-seeded Chicago Bulls. So here’s the question: Are these Celtics the worst No. 1-seed in postseason history, or are they a worthy lot, bound for the conference finals and perhaps capable of stunning the Cleveland Cavaliers and advancing to the NBA Finals?

I think we know the answer. Today’s Celtics fall in between the two extremes. They are not total frauds reaping the benefits of the Tomato Can NBA East. But nor are they championship driven.

I think Shank is the kind of guy who can only say something nice to one person - his wife.

Speaking Of Pretenders...

Six games into the Red Sox 2016 season, they're a .500 club, at 3-3. Considering last season, most normal people would be optimistic about the start so far. And then there's Shank:

Are the Red Sox contenders or pretenders?

The Red Sox lost to the Orioles, 9-7, in an action-packed 105th Fenway Park Opening Day Monday afternoon. The winning runs were scored when Orioles softball-league slugger Chris Davis mashed a 433-foot, three-run homer off new Sox closer Craig Kimbrel into the triangle in Fenway’s center field in the top of the ninth inning.

So now your 2016 Boston Red Sox are 3-3 after six games and you are legitimately left to wonder if we are in for another wasted summer of baseball.

Six games is a small sample.

But why let a little thing like that get in the way? He's got a team to trash!

...
The Fenway opener suggests it’s time to pay special attention to the overachieving Celtics on Causeway Street. The star-less Celtics finish their regular season Wednesday, start the playoffs this weekend, and will be playing crucial games at the end of April.

"And when they exit the playoffs, I'll shit on them just like I did with the Bruins on Sunday!"

...
Clay Buchholz (0-0, 11.25 ERA) gets the ball for Boston Tuesday night at Fenway. Anyone feeling good about that?

We can figure out one columnist who isn't...

The Price Is Right, For Now

Well, it didn't take Shank long to change his tune, did it?

CLEVELAND — Game 1 of the 116th Red Sox season played out just about as perfectly as Dave Dombrowski could have planned. Travis Shaw and Brock Holt stroked four hits, Mookie Betts hit a homer and made a spectacular catch, the three-headed bullpen monster pitched a scoreless 7-8-9, David Ortiz launched his farewell tour with a long homer to right . . .

And, oh yes, David Price took over the role of staff ace with six innings of sometimes dazzling hurling as he fanned 10 and survived a couple of jams in a bone-chilling, 6-2 Opening Day victory over the Cleveland Indians.

“It was a tough day to pitch for anybody, but he gave us six strong innings,’’ said Dombrowski, who spent $217 million of John Henry’s money to bag the best starting pitcher on the market last winter. “I’m sure he’ll win many games for us.’’

Inane comparison to Pedro Martinez, the obligatory Bob Feller appearance, standard run of the mill game recap, and then the question arises - Did Shank really change his tune?

Looks like John Farrell’s job is safe for at least one more day.

That would be no, then!

So nice of Shank to bring this up with just about every column so far this year, especially after a win he was rooting heavily against. We're going to see this crap all year; positive columns with a few trademark Shank digs when the Sox win, Armageddon when they lose.

Shank Unloads

Shank finally gets around to penning his magnum opus on the 2015 Boston Red Sox.

The Red Sox are a myth, and the sooner folks understand this, the sooner ownership will be forced to address the hard truth.

The myth of the Sox is that they are some kind of perennial playoff contender. You know . . . three championships in 10 years.

Well, they are tied with the San Francisco Giants with three World Series championships during that stretch. Using that same compelling 'logic', are the Giants a myth of a perennial playoff contender? No matter - it counts for squat in Shank's book.

Swell. But despite the hype, the highest prices in baseball, and the $200 million payroll (not exactly! -ed), the Sox are no longer legitimate contenders. They are not a good team and they have not been a good team for quite some time.
...
Wake up, people. Your baseball team is not smarter than all the other teams. Your farm system is not the best in the majors.
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Your Red Sox are an aggregate 31 games under .500 (267-298) since Sept. 1, 2011.

Why does Shank continue to use this misleading starting point, ignoring their 83-52 record from Opening Day 2011 to Sept. 1, 2011? Because he's a relentlessly negative asshole, that's why.

You knew this rant of his was coming; we just had to wait for Shank's Deflategate erection to subside.

Ok, that's another visual y'all could do without. Sorry!

Leaving His Heart In San Francisco

Only a columnist of Shank's legendary miserableness and negativity can travel to San Francisco, ostensibly to cover the World Series, and use the trip to take a shit on Fenway Park.

SAN FRANCISCO — The World Series said goodbye to this baseball palace Sunday night. The San Francisco Giants and Kansas City Royals will resume their nifty joust Tuesday night at Kauffman Stadium.

Swell.

But I am here to tell you that AT&T Park might be the perfect baseball stadium. Most of you have a soft spot in your hearts for the old bandbox near Kenmore Square, but if you have made the trip west to watch the Giants at home you know that what I’m telling you is true: AT&T Park is a better ballpark than Fenway Park.

Let us count the ways:

I see the logic of a newly built stadium that cost $357 million having better amenities than a stadium that's well over a century old, but does anyone seriously believe that this column isn't written as the thousandth shot from Shank at the Red Sox organization? That, coupled with the fact that he hasn't written a single column about the World Series games themselves while he's been in San Francisco, basically proves the point.

Nabob Of Negativity Expected

The Boston Red Sox have just been swept in a three game home series by the Detroit Tigers this weekend. Dan Shulman of ESPN mentioned during the game that this is the Red Sox's first four game losing streak since 2012 and the first sweep by Detroit of the Red Sox in a home series since 1983, the year after I got out of high school.

Under normal circumstances, Shank would be at Defcon Fucking 1 with his next Red Sox column, which ought to hit the shelves any moment now, allowing him the opportunity to take a massive steaming shit on the Red Sox's performance so far this year. Since the most recent majority owner of the Red Sox is John Henry, who also just happens to be Shank's employer, the Boston Globe, does anyone out there think Shank will bite the Marcellus Wallace ball gag of criticism with the recent Red Sox's performance?

Wish Finally Granted

The bad news - the Bruins lost game 7 to the Canadiens, 3-1.

The good news? It's Shank's last hockey column for months and months!

This point cannot be stressed enough: when a local team loses, Shank puts forth far more effort and verbiage into his columns. I think it's equivalent to shoveling more dirt on the grave to make sure the dead guy's good and buried.

OK to melt the ice at the New Garden before Thursday night’s Barry Gibb show. Perhaps the surviving Bee Gee can dedicate “Tragedy” or “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?” to the 2013-14 Bruins.

The Bruins dissolved in front of our eyes in Game 7 Wednesday night. They were dominated by the Montreal Canadiens, 3-1.

Ugh.

This one goes into the Boston Professional Sports Hall of Pain, right there with Ken Dryden stuffing the Bruins in 1971 and too many men on the ice in 1979. It goes in there alongside some of the Red Sox collapses of the last century.

And who better to escort the 2013-2014 Bruins to that Hall of Pain than our very own Nabob of Negativity, Dan Shaughnessy?

The Boston Globe's Answer To Old Faithful

Is there anything more predictable than a Shank column on the Boston Bruins following a playoff loss?

MONTREAL — The Bruins are the better team. This is what the hockey folks keep saying (someone forget the personal pronoun there? - ed). This is what the regular-season record shows. The Bruins won the Presidents’ Trophy, earning home ice advantage throughout the playoffs. The Bruins are better than the Canadiens at the five-on-five game. The Bruins play a heavy game. They will overwhelm Montreal with Maximum Heaviosity.

Hmmm. This sounds like what folks in Detroit were saying last October when they played the Red Sox in the American League Championship Series. The Tigers were clearly better. Just like the 2007 Patriots were clearly better than the New York Giants. Just like the ’84 Lakers were better than the Celtics.
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Still, there is something nagging about this series.

If I hadn't been reading this crap for the better part of three decades, I'd say that the thing nagging me would be Shank's relentlessly negative tone of a solid majority of his columns, especially the ones involving Bruins playoff losses.

Buoyed by their Game 2 comeback at the Garden, the Bruins arrived in Quebec prepared to assume the role of Big Bad Bears. The Bruins’ decidedly bland postgame remarks from Saturday had been magically manipulated by the locals to make them appear cocky and ready for a fall. The Montreal Gazette led its Tuesday sports section with a nifty column by veteran Pat Hickey under the flaming headline, “Habs play down Boston’s trash talk.’’

Or as we call it in Boston, stealing a page from the Shaughnessy playbook. Great job, guys!

Familiar Subject Matter?

Prepare for the onslaught of Red Sox columns! Shank's in his second day at Fort Myers, Florida and we're treated to a theme that's probably near and dear to his heart.

World Series hangover has hurt Red Sox

As the Sox’ pitchers and catchers report for duty in defense of the 2013 championship season, we look back at the last five seasons after the magic years in which the Red Sox made it to the World Series.

■ 1968. 86-76. Fourth place in the 10-team American League, 17 games behind the first-place Tigers.

Shank then proceeds to chronicle the other Red Sox teams (1976, 1987, 2005 and 2008) that followed postseason success. It's noteworthy that Shank put a great deal of effort into this column, since the focus is on player injuries, losing streaks / seasons and general lack of success.

When the theme is a negative one, Shank writes his best columns.