A Letter To Cavaliers Fans

Dear Cleveland Cavaliers fans:

Remember that time I took a massive shit on all of you guys and your city during last year's NBA finals, half disguised as praise for your long suffering fans?

We're good now, right?

Your pal,

Dan 'Shank' Shaughnessy

Columnist Republishes Column / Contradiction Watch

Dan Shaughnessy, May 11, 2016:

He is one of the top 10 talents in the history of the league. He still has some trouble closing and has won championships only twice in six appearances in the NBA Finals, but I can’t believe there’s a coach out there who would not take LeBron first if all players were available for an open draft to assemble a team for this year’s playoffs.

I will never understand the irrational LeBron hate that pollutes the sports landscape. Certainly “The Decision” was odious, and LeBron is a bit of a poseur, but he has done little to earn the hate that is showered on his huge head nightly.

Dan Shaughnessy, about two hours ago:

Another story line is the myth that LeBron doesn’t show up in big games (you were saying? - ed). It’s a big part of the irrational LeBron hate that infects most of the non-Cleveland world.

I love watching James play basketball and have never really understood all the LeBron hate. Sure, he was offensive with “The Decision,’’ and the “not one, not two” smokeshow in Miami. That was a long time ago. He can be something of a poser and sometimes hurts himself when he talks. He’s been known to launch himself into the baseline camera row for effect. He whines to the refs. He can be a coach killer. But the amount of hate and anger he generates is way out of proportion.

Shit like this ought to get you suspended or fired. Instead, we'll just have to settle for mocking him for epic laziness.

A 'Hidden' Gem

This Shank column from Saturday just sort of came out of hibernation from the Globe's website. Naturally, Shank doesn't like the Warriors and contradicts himself while complaining about it:

This series is supposed to be about the new and future brand of basketball played by the Splash Brothers.
...
I want the Cavaliers to win because I think it would be better for basketball. This is not Warrior-hating.
...
No one loves long-range shooting more than me (Larry Bird loves your long range shooting! - ed.), but I don’t want the Warriors’ game to be celebrated as the future of basketball. What they do flies in the face of more than a century of pick-and-rolls, give-and-gos, and three-man weaves. The fact is, Curry and Splash-mate Klay Thompson are legitimate freaks, able to do things that had never been done. They can create space and arc shots from international waters over 7-foot defenders. But this is not how the next generation of teams should be built. It is simply not sustainable.

Last night's Game 2 was more or less a repeat of Game 1.

So, to recap - Shank states that this series is about some 'new and future brand of basketball', compliments Curry & Thompson, then laments said new and future brand of basketball by going off on a half 'get off my lawn' tirade because the game of professional basketball may or may not be changing. The pick & roll and give & go cited by Shank (and ignoring the fast break for whatever reason) are not by themselves what defines professional basketball. It has always been changing - the implementation of the shot clock, the three-point line, the introduction of flagrant fouls (partly because of this epic Kevin McHale clothesline) and other tweaks & refinements more or less render Shank's arguments moot. I suspect he's just butthurt because Cleveland does not have the starting five and bench to compete against the Golden State Warriors, something that has been bloody fucking obvious to anyone (excluding Shank, apparently) who bothered to watch NBA basketball in recent months.

LeBron Or Bust / Delusional Dan

Since the Red Sox are on a four game winning streak, Shank has been forced to 'write' about other subjects, including (surprise) his reminder that the Cleveland Cavaliers will win this year's NBA championship. He doesn't really believe it, though. He's just trying in vain to make up for the last time he pissed off an entire U.S. city. Otherwise, why would he contradict himself so many times in the same column?

How can you not root for Cavaliers to win it all?

Because the Golden State Warriors will run through them like crap through a goose?

These things I believe:

1. LeBron James is the best player in the NBA.
...
Let’s talk LeBron first. You all know that Stephen Curry was just named NBA MVP for the second straight year. Golden State’s sharpshooting guard was a unanimous pick. His team set the league record with 73 wins, and many expect the Warriors to win a second straight NBA title.
...
He still has some trouble closing and has won championships only twice in six appearances in the NBA Finals,
...
I will never understand the irrational LeBron hate that pollutes the sports landscape. Certainly “The Decision” was odious, and LeBron is a bit of a poseur, but he has done little to earn the hate that is showered on his huge head nightly.

Other than that, these statements were accurate!

Talk about the gall of Shank to half-lecture his readers about irrational hate - how many times has he taken a dump on the Kraft family, Bill Belichick, the Patriots, Claude Julien, the Bruins, or about two dozen current and former Red Sox players (just a partial list) over the past thirty years?

This year the Cavs are healthy. LeBron, Irving, and Love make for a nifty Big Three.

Are they playing any better than Steph Curry, Klay Thomson & Draymond Green?

They have the maniacal J.R. Smith and Channing Frye draining rainbow jumpers from international waters. Tristan Thompson is a rebounding robot. Iman Shumpert is a serviceable two-way player.

Look at the Warriors' bench - Shaun Livingston, Leandro Barbosa, Mo (Buckets) Speights, Festus Ezili, and Andre Iguodala. J.R. Smith's a headcase who can be counted on to screw the pooch at the worst possible time.

So, let's review - Lebron is, according to Shank, the best player, but...

But this is about the city of Cleveland more than it is about LeBron James or the Cleveland basketball team.

UPDATE, AT 4:40 PM - A commenter accuses Shank of plagiarizing last year's column of the same theme, where he writes, in part:

Sorry, I know many of you will find it hard to cheer for LeBron James. He’s a little full of himself, he has been a Celtics rival for many years, and he inspires a lot of irrational hatred for a guy who never really has done anything offensive other than stage an ill-conceived media event with Jim Gray.

.
Verdict - GUILTY!

Did We Start Boozing Early?

Now that Shank can stop pretending about liking the Boston Celtics, he turns to another East Coast NBA team and makes a bold prediction:

Picking Cleveland to win NBA championship. Party like it's 1964.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 2, 2016

If Cleveland makes it to the NBA Finals, they will get buttfucked by the San Antonio Spurs or the Golden State Warriors. Badly. It won't even be close.

This is a sportswriter that's supposedly been following professional basketball since I got out of college?

Maybe You Should Move There

Here's Shank writing about the NBA Finals, jumping on the Cleveland bandwagon:

Go Cleveland. Go Cavaliers. Go LeBron.

It’s the only way to go.

The NBA Finals start Thursday, and unless you are a fan of the Golden State Warriors, or perhaps a fan of Steph Curry’s adorable 2-year-old daughter, you simply must root for the Cavs.

Sorry, I know many of you will find it hard to cheer for LeBron James. He’s a little full of himself, he has been a Celtics rival for many years, and he inspires a lot of irrational hatred for a guy who never really has done anything offensive other than stage an ill-conceived media event with Jim Gray.

'Ill-conceived' is Shank speak for 'convenient memory lapse':

“Despicable Me.’’

Starring LeBron James, ESPN, Jim Gray, and the Miami Heat.

All despicable.

It’s been more than 36 hours since “The Decision’’ and I’m still nauseous.

Truly, has there ever been a more hideous sports-related hour than what we saw Thursday night?

It’s hard to know where to start. We had MeBron speaking of himself in the third person and saying, “I’m going to take my talents to South Beach.’’ We had ESPN lying to us about at what point MeBron would announce his move, then morphing into game-show mode. We had Gray forever forfeiting all semblance of integrity, taunting America (particularly Clevelanders) by intentionally delaying the only question we wanted him to ask. And now we have the Miami Heat — a veritable team of A-Rods, the team we will root against in every game as long as LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh are together.

Despicable. All of them.

This column's his makeup call for trolling Cleveland a few months ago, nothing more.

Direct Hit

Following up on Shank's April 20th column, we can confirm he successfully trolled the city of Cleveland whilst simultaneously complimenting the Cavaliers. Shank's most recent Jedi mind trick, as coined by Bruce Allen of Boston Sports Media Watch, resulted in a letter to the Globe editor and a number of offended columnists, other Ohio writers and pissed off Cleveland residents, which were fodder for Boston radio and even led to speculation that Shank's troll job led to the lack of confetti, Cleveland's customary celebration of a Cavaliers win, when Cleveland won Game 2 on Tuesday.

Congratulations, Cleveland - You Got Shanked!

Wish Granted - II

It looks like Shank's most recent trolling attempt column hit a nerve with residents of Cleveland. His Inbox must have been chock full of negative feedback today, prompting this response:

The most interesting response so far:

I, for one, will be tuning into 98.5 The Sports Hub the next time Shank makes an appearance on Bertrand & Zolak - should be really interesting!

Another LeBron / Cleveland Column

Let's summarize today's column:

Confetti.

No sports championships in 50 years.

Downtown Cleveland's a dump.

Here's how Cleveland's sports teams lost in the playoffs.

LeBron James gives Cleveland hope.

I'm off the Celtics bandwagon.