A Yankee Farewell To Big Papi

Leave it to Shank to fuck it up:

NEW YORK — Welcome to Papi-Palooza, Big Apple style.

The interminable David Ortiz Farewell Tour made its final stop in the House That Jeter Built Thursday night. The Yankees’ pregame ceremony was short and sweet — nothing like the overblown homages showered upon Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter at Fenway in 2013 and 2014, respectively.

At 6:52 p.m., while the stadium was still half-empty, Ortiz was introduced to the crowd and came out to stand behind home plate with his wife Tiffany, daughter Alex, and son D’Angelo. The Yankees presented Tiffany and Alex with floral bouquets.

Ortiz’s former teammate Jacoby Ellsbury and former Red Sox pitcher David Cone were first out of the Yankee dugout. They carried a custom-made autograph book with hand-scripted messages from Yankees who have played against Ortiz through the years.

Next up was Rivera, the all-time saves leaders and future Hall of Famer. Rivera helped Ortiz unveil an oil painting that portrayed Ortiz tipping his cap at home plate at Yankee Stadium.

Then they played “Sweet Caroline” over the PA.

And that was it. No video montages. No speeches. No appearances by Whitey Ford, Woody Allen, Liza Minnelli, Billy Joel, or Dick Flavin. It was brief and buttoned-down. Very Yankee-like. And it was over in a New York minute. It was as if the entire presentation had been scripted by Bill Belichick.

Champagne Wasted

Despite losing the game to the New York Yankees, the Red Sox win the American League east (thanks to a Blue Jays loss). Since there was free beer in the Sox' clubhouse, Shank was there:

NEW YORK — Ever seen a champagne celebration after what would normally be an excruciating walkoff loss?

We saw one Wednesday night at Yankee Stadium.

The Red Sox completed their latest worst-to-first saga when they clinched the American League East thanks to Baltimore’s 3-2 victory over Toronto.

It looked like the Sox were going to clinch with their own win over the Yankees (six one-hit innings from Clay Buchholz), but that did not happen. Minutes after learning that they were AL East champs by virtue of the Orioles’ win, Red Sox closer Craig Kimbrel allowed a single and three straight walks to start the ninth then watched helplessly as Mark Teixeira hit a game-winning grand slam off Joe Kelly.
...
Weird. It was like leaving a cemetery and walking into a Delta House toga party. Something tells me that Bill Belichick would not have approved.

Nothing says 'Red Sox column by Shank' without marring it with a reference to some other sport.

Pill Papi: PEDs or Not, Ortiz is Hall Bound

The Shank column we've all been waiting for: Recognition that David Ortiz is Hall of Fame bound, and there's nothing The CHB can do about it.

Guaranteed, His Shankness would never vote for Big Papi on the first round, if at all. But he argue, tongue firmly in cheek, that since the New York writers say Ortiz is a Haller, that's a leading indicator that (PEDs or not, which is what the column is really about), he's bound to get the call.

Regardless of whether Ortiz deserves the recognition, which would have made for a much better column, btw, here's hoping Shank is actually right for a change, if for no other reason than it's another excuse to remind everyone of Shaughnessy's epithet for Big Papi: "a sad sack of you-know-what."

Shank Sighting - That She Blows!

While watching the Sox / Yankees game, they cut to Dave O'Brien and Jerry Remy in the booth, who were talking to Boston Globe baseball weenie writer Alex Speier. I thought I spotted Sir Shank-A-Lot in the row behind them (to the left). Expect a column from Shank in the near future.

Confirmed - in the bottom of the second inning, they panned back into the booth trio, and my roommate just confirmed it - "You can't miss that goofy looking redhead!"

Stupid Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Some 'jokes' don't translate well, or maybe they stopped being funny years ago:

Hillary won coin flip. Did not defer.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 26, 2016

Rehash Radio - XX

I wonder if he actually shows up in the booth with paper copies of his latest columns when he does the show?

On with Zo and Beetle -- @ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. Sox and Pats can both clinch their divisions this week. Good times.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 26, 2016

Pats can clinch this week? Is that hyperbole or stupidity?

Trolling Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Yep, I'm sure that's the reason...

Since I said the Red Sox aren't winning close games after a 1-0 loss vs. Orioles, the Sox are 10-0, most of them close ones. You're welcome.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 25, 2016

It's Official - Shank's Back On The Pats Bandwagon

After winning three games in a row with multiple starters out of the lineup in each game, why wouldn't you shamelessly start rooting for the Patriots again?

Memo to Patriots fans: Deflategate is your friend. It has given birth to absolute truths that serve only to magnify and solidify that local notion that Bill Belichick and the Patriots are 10 times better and smarter than every other NFL team.

The first-place, 3-0 Patriots will enjoy a well-deserved day of rest Sunday, but a message has been delivered to NFL America. It is not a comforting missive for the 31 franchises that hoped to prosper when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell dropped the hammer on the Team Everyone Loves to Hate. The Patriots are on a mission. They are kicking butt and taking names. The 2016 Patriots are waging war on the rest of the NFL and the commissioner who overly punished them for driving 68 in a 65-mile-per-hour zone.

A decent enough column ensues from here (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band lyrics aside), but I think Shank overstates something towards the end:

This cannot be a great feeling for Brady. Deflategate has established that any Jimmy, Jacoby or Matt can play quarterback for the Patriots and still win. Belichick and the Patriot Way are the big winners.

I don't think you can use a three game span like the most recent one and dismiss the contributions of one of the top quarterbacks in NFL history.

On second thought, since I don't feel like erasing the previous sentence, Shank's not dismissing Brady, he's simply discounting it and attributing the team's success to the team. Seriously, it didn't kill me just now to agree with Shank! Still, I think that point's fairly debatable.

Points awarded to Shank for being consistent on this point (not Deflategate as a whole, where he once called Tom Brady a cheater and gave it its own column):

The Patriots would secede from the NFL if they had anywhere elso to go, but they don’t. They will settle for winning another Super Bowl and rubbing everyone’s face in the dirt. Tom Brady is taking his punishment and it’s Scorched Earth Time here in Hatriot Nation. Our long national nightmare is over.

Back to the original column:

Feel the fire. Embrace the hate. Deflategate is the Patriots’ friend.

Did Shank just channel the Emperor from Star Wars?

Settle Down, Beavis

Three games into the NFL season and Shank is all but ready to award the Lombardi Trophy to the New England Patriots. While I'm in favor of that notion, it's amusing that Shank's been trashing Bill Belichick since he got here, and suddenly he's the best thing since sliced bread.

But the No. 1 story line of the night was Belichick. We keep thinking we have seem the ultimate demonstration of his greatness and then we see something that tops the last one. We thought the opening-night win at Arizona would stand as the Hoodie’s favorite non-Super Bowl win, but Thursday’s shocker against the Texans was even better. It was a game won by all the boring things Bill loves — special teams, defense, and mistake-free offense.

“I’m so proud of the way our guys competed,’’ said Belichick. “A real satisfying win. The whole week the coaching staff did a tremendous job.’’

When an intrepid sort noted that Bill was climbing the ranks of career wins for coaches, Belichick said, “Today is not about me. It’s about the team, the players, the assistant coaches, and all the credit they deserve.’’

He'll be signing a different tune as soon as the Patriots lose their first game.

One Trick Pony

I did not have the patience or desire to post any of Shank's stale fucking bullshit last night. I wanted to enjoy the game without it being tainted by his repetitive, witless garbage. That said, here's the 'best' of Shaughnessy from last night's game.

Houston loses the toss. Pats defer. Of course.

Afterall, Pats only have one QB and he is a rookie

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 23, 2016

Things change quickly. Time to trade Jimmy G for a couple of first round picks.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 23, 2016

Houston Texans: "Oh, no!!!! We suck again!!!!''
Tomato
Cans

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 23, 2016

Game is effectively over, but nobody leaving Gillette. Too much fun watching Pats rub foes' faces in the dirt.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 23, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Professional Asshole

Beating a dead horse:

Firm hired by Ted Wells speaks to NY Times: It's The Wells Report In Context . . . In Context.
Surprise Conclusion: Pats were doing it.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 21, 2016

Rehash radio, part infinity:

On with @ZoandBertrand with Jarod Carrabisstarting at 11. Not much Sox to argue about now. They will never lose again.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 21, 2016

Reporters used to get basic facts correct, like spelling people's names:

This really just happened https://t.co/yUam1AeFty

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 21, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy you literally asked me how to spell my name and still got it wrong. that's the press box difference.

— Jared Carrabis(@Jared_Carrabis) September 21, 2016

That's just Shank's way of him letting you know you're not important to him. If you're reading this, Jared, he's insulting you right to your face. Stop falling for this shit and treat Shank as he ought to be treated - as an enemy. Think 'Godfather' here. Maybe you ought to talk to Kirk Minihane about that angle.

Small Whiff Of Bullshit Detected

Get a load of this bald-faced lie:

. @Dan_Shaughnessy on #RedSox: ‘I’m done ragging on these guys’ https://t.co/pVX6YDxEPu

— CSN New England (@CSNNE) September 20, 2016

A prediction - it won't matter what happens when the Red Sox play their last game this year; Shank will either savage the team or, as he did in 2013 when they won the World Series, he'll call it a fluke.

The Return Of Bandwagon Dan

Shank's latest column is a feint - he pretends to like the Red Sox and Patriots, so long as they're winning.

Here we go. Red Sox and Patriots. Hand-in-hand into history. Again.

Sunday in Greater Boston was one of those days that make all the hard living worthwhile. It was a day to put traffic, weather, taxes, the cost of groceries, and nonstop road and bridge repair (did I mention traffic?) on the shelf. It was a day to soak in the warm waters of first place and speculate on great sports moments in store in the upcoming weeks.

Playing without Tom Brady, without Gronk, without Rob Ninkovich, and finally, without Brady’s backup, the Patriots beat the Dolphins in their home opener. It was more Next Man Up and Let The Fools On The Other Side Beat Themselves again. More than ever, Super Bowl LI in Houston — a showdown with Roger Goodell, who would deliver the trophy — appears to be the Patriots’ manifest destiny.

Exit Question

How brutal is Shank going to be with his column about this game? I bet he's already written half of it.

And So It Begins - II

DeflateGate related jokes never get old:

McNally and jastremski scrambling dolphin headsets now?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 18, 2016

And - so much for 'maybe the Dolphins have a chance':

When do Dolphins execute the Butt Fumble?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 18, 2016

And So It Begins

Wow. New Miami coach knew enough to make Pats take ball. Maybe Dolphins have a chance. And that's six straight coin toss losses for Pats

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 18, 2016

It's called the law of averages, jackass...

Insipid Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy?

Will we witness a barrage of 'tomato can', 'coin flip' and 'double score' tweets from Our Man Shank in just under half an hour? Stay tuned!

Incomplete Thoughts, By Dan Shaughnessy

Surely he left something out here...

Why jump on the Hanley Ramirez bus? Because things can

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 17, 2016

...and a reader fills in the blank:

@Dan_Shaughnessy ...because things can change quickly and when they do I will trash him in a column.

— Christopher E (@cje1213) September 17, 2016

What's Old Is New Again

Stop me if you've heard this one before:

Bills fire offensive coordinator after 2 games. March of the Tomato Cans is on

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 16, 2016

Damn Yankees

What a present for Shank! He gets to write about what seems to be his favorite type of topic - a painful, excruciating and devastating loss.

How do you recover from this?

The Yankees — once all powerful but now The Little Train That Could — suffered a devastating setback at Fenway Thursday night. Leading the Red Sox, 5-1, in the eighth, and 5-2 with two outs in the ninth, New York was beaten by Hanley Ramirez’s three-run walkoff shot into the center-field bleachers off Dellin Betances.

“This one really hurts,’’ said Yankee manager Joe Girardi.

“A lot of guys in this room are really [expletive] off right now,’’ said third baseman Chase Headley. “We really want to come back and win tomorrow night.’’

It's impossible to read this column, note the rare quality within and come to any other conclusion - Shank loves to write about losing teams.