Stunning

You turn your back for a week, and what happens? You miss a slew of Shank columns! Let's check them out, including the New England Patriots' Week 1 win over the Bengals:

The Patriots, with new coaches and a new QB, looked like the good old Patriots in stifling the Bengals

New coach.

Old school.

Great result.

Playing a near-perfect 60 minutes of football, the much-maligned, heavy underdog New England Patriots stunned the Cincinnati Bengals, 16-10, at Paycor Stadium Sunday afternoon.

It was the debut of 38-year-old head coach Jerod Mayo — the first Patriots game not coached by Bill Belichick since Jan. 2, 2000 — and Mayo’s players sparked memories of the good old days for the full four quarters.

“We’re going to enjoy this one,’’ said Mayo, who was presented with a game ball by owner Bob Kraft. “I’m very proud of my players . . . Walking off the field, you get in that victory formation . . . and I’m going to enjoy this one. We’re still not where we want to be, but we’re headed in the right direction.’’

Unfortunate

That's Shank's opinion on the late hit in last night's game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Kansas City Chiefs which wound up helping the Chiefs to win, 23-20:

The Bengals’ unfortunate Joseph Ossai pushed himself into a dubious spotlight

And who better to help put Joseph Ossai into a dubious spotlight than Our Man Shank?

Some people see GOATS and think of Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, and Bobby Orr.

I see Goats and think of Bill Buckner, Scott Norwood, Grady Little, Pete Carroll, and now Joseph Ossai.

Let's not forget Shank's attempt at revisionist history when Bill Buckner passed away a few years ago; Shank's praise or denigration of certain Boston athletes depends on the situation.

Super Bowl LVII will feature Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs against the indomitable Philadelphia Eagles, who have shredded everything in their path on the way to Glendale, Ariz.

The Eagles got there with great help from the football gods, who determined that every man playing quarterback for San Francisco would get hurt this year. The Chiefs, meanwhile, were gifted when a humble, 22-year-old kid from Nigeria was flagged for a personal foul when he pushed an already-out-of-bounds Mahomes to the ground in a 20-20 game with eight seconds left in regulation.

Classic dumb play he'll have to live with his entire career - there's your column summary!