Polar Bear Award

When I first read the title of today's column, I thought it was going to be yet another rant about how terrible it is that playoff games start so late at night. This is a valid complaint, and I wish MLB would fix it. They are not doing their job in attracting younger fans by putting the biggest games of the season on TV at a time when said fans are supposed to be in bed. This needs to be addressed in the next network deal.

But no, that is not the purpose of today's column. Today, Dan has discovered an essential truth of life:

A) Playoff baseball is played in October.
B) In many northern cities, it tends to get kind of cold in October.
C) Therefore, playoff baseball is kind of cold.

For Dan and others who may be interested, here is a basic scientific explanation of what causes the seasons on the NOAA website, and thus, why it is cold in Detroit in October, when playoff baseball is played.

I'm betting Dan got the idea for this column when he became chilled during the brief walk from the hotel lobby to his taxi. "Gee, it's cold! I'll write a column about how cold it is." And today's effort was born.

Despite perhaps ten paragraphs of complaining, no solution to the problem of this cold, if it really is a problem, is ever proposed. Do we shorten the season? Spend billions of dollars to make all stadiums enclosed and with climate control? Learn to deal with nature as humans have been doing for thousands of years? So many options!

Car Wreck

Enjoy the game from the bar, Dan? Because this trip down Nostalgia Lane that you are trying to pass off as a column was in the can long before Game 1 started.

And yes, there are many '67 Red Sox references sprinkled in, for no apparent reason.

Jim Leyland Appreciation Week

The World Series starts tonight, and so this morning, Dan delivers his customary "human interest" piece on a character associated with said World Series. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to learn about Tigers manager Jim Leyland!

There's no computer on his desk. Jim Leyland doesn't spend a lot of time looking at spreadsheets and percentages. He is not a numbers cruncher and he probably wouldn't last long in a room with Bill James, Billy Beane, and Theo Epstein.

If this article doesn't show up on Fire Joe Morgan sometime in the next day or two, I'll think those guys have fallen asleep at the switch. This is the kind of stuff they live for. "Jim Leyland doesn't like numbers! Computers are evil! He's nothing like those stathead dorks Billy Beane and Theo Epstein, who actually know how to turn on a computer and operate Microsoft Excel! What a waste of time!"

I have no problem with the fact that Leyland isn't a stats guy. He's a successful manager who's gotten more public compliments from his players in the last few days than I can remember any other manager getting. And, to use what seems to be a favorite expression of the Red Sox FO, "there's more than one way to skin a cat."

What I do have a problem with is Dan's derisive tone. He's probably been saving that snarky line since the A's were eliminated. I'm surprised he managed to restrain himself until today.

He'd be gone even quicker if they were gathered in a non-smoking room. Leyland's got to have his Marlboros.

Time for me to climb up on my soap box. There is nothing folksy and charming about chain smoking, Dan, so stop writing about it as if it's some kind of running joke. I keep seeing this line about Marlboros in pretty much every article about Leyland, and I don't know why the media is treating it as if it's something really cute and quirky. Chain smoking is a sad and disgusting addiction. Leyland's need to constantly smoke is not only terrible for his own health, but is polluting the air around him and putting others at risk. I'm sure that in this hypothetical meeting Dan speaks of, Theo and the two Bills would be quite grateful if Leyland takes his Marlboros elsewhere so they don't get cancer from the secondhand smoke.

End of sanctimonious nitpick. Back to the article.

He doesn't have a Francona bone in his body. He's a manager, not a baby sitter. If Manny Ramírez quit on him, he'd call him out. Or he'd quit himself.

I know exactly where this dislike of Francona came from: it's a nasty comment Tito made about Dan in Seth Mnookin's book in which he told Dan he'd lost all respect for him. You and me both, Tito, although I don't know if I ever had any respect to lose in the first place.

Also, once again, Dan makes insulting generalizations without all the facts. How does he have any idea what the dynamic between Francona and the players is? Does he really think Francona is a glorified baby-sitter? And what is this assumption that Manny quit on people? I keep seeing this thrown around (mostly in the Globe, it's important to note) and I haven't seen a single shred of substantive proof for any of it.

He's a little uncomfortable in the eye of the storm. Earlier in the week, when the Tigers were waiting for the Cardinals and Mets to finish their National League Championship Series, Leyland said, "I don't photograph very well. I'm tired of everybody saying I'm craggy, Marlboro man and all that [expletive]. My wife thinks I'm good-looking. When I look in the mirror, I think I look a lot younger than in my pictures [he's 61]. You guys are doing a horse-[expletive] job."

This is a great quote. Especially the last sentence.

He's had the golden touch throughout this postseason. Rookie pitchers in big games? No problem. Alexis Gomez as DH? The guy hit a homer and knocked in four runs. Pulling a starter in the middle of a count? Tough toenails. This isn't about tiptoeing around egos of big-league ballplayers.

Another indirect shot at Manny and Francona. I'm already dreading the end of the World Series, when the offseason really kicks into high gear and we're forced to read pages upon pages of pure speculation as to what teams are going to do because the media really has no clue. I can already see what the theme of the Globe coverage is going to be.

It was a high school moment on a big-league stage, rare in this cynical century.

The phrase "cynical century" as uttered by Dan Shaughnessy is so ironic it's making me nauseous.

His Tigers swept the Cardinals in three games in June, outscoring the Redbirds, 21-13. Naturally, he says that means nothing.

It doesn't. It's called a "small sample size." It means "this data set is not good to use in predicting future outcomes, because it could be the product of random chance." Perhaps that's too geeky, though.

Leyland's brother, Tom, is a Catholic priest. His wife, Katie, is well versed in Red Sox lore. His teenage daughter, Kellie, toured Boston College when the Tigers played at Fenway in August and Leyland might be at The Heights for parents weekend in a few years. But right now there's a World Series to be won for a town that deserves something good.

First of all, where's the mention of this son that was brought up a few paragraphs ago? You know, the one whose baseball team Leyland used to coach? And second, what in the world does the last sentence of the paragraph have to do with the first three?

At this hour, Jim Leyland and the 2006 Tigers are the best story in baseball.

Yeah, they are, and I'm rooting for them tonight. But I'm tired of hearing about what a great story they are. Last year, Ozzie Guillen and the White Sox were a great story. The year before that, the "cursed" Red Sox were everybody's favorite. The year before that. . .okay, you get my point.

Kill Bill vol. 2

Sorry, I couldn't resist. Today's hack job is merely one volume in Dan's ongoing tome, "How to Gratuitously Slander Popular Public Figures Out of Personal Pettiness." It will be put next to Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" in the self-help section of your local bookstore, just as a good way to show Carnegie buyers what NOT to do. Anyway, onto the column:

I was shelling peanuts and hardly paying attention as Tony La Russa delivered a rambling answer to a pregame question regarding the expanded format of today's baseball playoffs.

We learn two things from this line. First, Dan doesn't listen to his interview subjects. This should hardly surprise anyone, since he misquotes them and takes them out of context so often. Second, he appears not to like Tony La Russa. Add another successful well-known figure to the list of people Dan doesn't like. Anyone see a pattern developing here? How snobby of you, Dan. Why would you brag that you don't listen when other people are talking? That's appallingly rude, especially for a guy who's PAID to listen.

(For the record, I don't like Tony La Russa, either. He's whiny and he wears sunglasses in the dark. That bothers me, and I'm not joking. Plus he tends to throw his injured players under the bus. See Rolen, Scott and Edmonds, Jim.)

Whoa. It is what it is. That got my attention. Brought me back to Gillette Stadium. It is what it is is the ultimate Bill Belichick phrase. When Belichick is rightfully honored with his image on a silver dollar, It is what it is will replace E Pluribus Unum. It is the mantra of the Church of Belichick. It explains everything and it explains nothing (try it out on your wife or boss next time you're in trouble), which makes it the perfect Belichick answer.

"Image on a silver dollar?" "Church of Belichick?" I don't even know what to do with this paragraph, that is how awful it is. Seriously, Dan, what is your problem with Belichick? He's not good for soundbites? His sense of fashion offends you? He's, I don't know, smart and successful, sort of like Theo Epstein? Cut the sarcastic deification before I throw up. It's a tired act and nobody's actually absorbing any of your point of view. Of course, maybe that's why you keep trying to beat us all over the head with it.

Standing behind the batting cage, the two gods of game-calling talked for a solid hour while the Cardinals took batting practice. Had they been joined by pompous Phil Jackson, we'd have had a sports Yalta -- the greatest collection of coaching geniuses ever assembled -- with the obvious exception of anyplace Red Auerbach ever went.

For the record, "pompous" Phil Jackson is not on the same level as Belichick and Auerbach. I don't think La Russa really is, either, but I guess that's debatable.

Also, "sports Yalta?" I guess I'm more insulting the readership here, but I'd bet a significant amount of money that the percentage of readers who know what the Yalta conference was and who was there is below 40.

(It was a 1945 conference between FDR, Stalin, and Churchill where they agreed upon how to deal with Nazi Germany after its surrender and Stalin agreed to help the US in Japan after the war in Europe was over, by the way.)

Belichick acknowledges knowing little about baseball.

Yeah, and I'd bet another significant amount of money that Belichick's slight knowledge of baseball is a lot more than other people's slight knowledge of baseball.

Belichick wore a La Russa jersey to his press conference Tuesday at Gillette Stadium. He looked like one of those 54-year-old goobers you see wearing Curt Schilling shirts to Fenway.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Shaughnessy. So verbose and creative that he resorts to calling people "goobers." Are you kidding me, Dan? And what in the world is wrong with 54-year-old men wearing Schilling jerseys? At what arbitrary point does that start to offend you? I have a Big Papi t-shirt, is that also gooberish? Grow up. "Goobers?" Seriously.

The Patriots coach gave up baseball for lacrosse at an early age. He's got square eyes from watching so much football film, which leaves little time for baseball viewing.

I don't even know what the last sentence means. "Square eyes?" Huh? I'll assume it's an insult, since it usually is.

``I really don't understand it that well," he said after his hour with the Cardinals hardball master. ``I was in the dugout with him in spring training and I couldn't believe how much was involved. He calls every pitch. Every pitch! He's involved with the pitcher stepping off the rubber and moving guys in the outfield, figuring out whether they're going to steal, whether they're going to squeeze. It was fascinating."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Tony La Russa is the exception here, not the rule. Most managers let their catchers call the majority of the pitches, and the pitcher decides whether he wants to step off the rubber. This just furthers my impression that La Russa is a whiny, micro-managing control freak, but perhaps I'm biased.

Whatever you say, Coach. I mean . . . it is what it is.

This column is a piece of rubbish. I mean. . .it is what it is.

Cory Lidle

Not much to say about today's column. I could pick on alleged factual inaccuracies, but looking around at other newspaper accounts of the crash, it seems that no two papers have the same story, so I'll leave it alone.

It's ironic, though, don't you think? Why does Dan continually write columns indirectly complaining about the media? You ARE the media, Dan, in case you hadn't noticed. You've committed every sin you rail about.

Here is the column, in a nutshell: "A plane crashed into a building. The news got all frantic and treated it like terrorism. It turned out to be Cory Lidle. The story deflated."

OK. So?

Suddenly, a lot of television watchers switched from CNN to ESPN. The international news story was becoming a sad sports story.

ESPN was the last station I thought of turning to. I had CNN Headline on all afternoon. Why would I want to listen to Steve Phillips talk about this?

And why isn't this still an international news story? A plane flew into the side of a building. Yes, it was a known athlete piloting it, but it was still a plane crashing into a building. That shouldn't happen. What went wrong? This doesn't have to be a sports story.

I don't want to pick at this too badly because of the nature of the subject matter. There's really nothing tasteless in here except for the fact that he's Dan Shaughnessy and therefore everything is inherently tasteless.

Thoughts and prayers go out to the Lidle family and the families of the flight instructor and the injured firefighters. A horrible, random tragedy.

Want Some Cheese with that Whine?

Thanks to an attentive reader, we bring you this tasty Dan quote, courtesy of the Denver Post:

"Now every team has a handler who is there to limit everything we do," says Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy, who began covering professional baseball in the 1970s. "It's a stupid game we have to play. Every day, our access is shrinking."

...

"It's preposterous," Shaughnessy says. "The self-importance today is off the charts."

Actually, the irony is off the charts. He could be talking about himself. And if reporters' access is shrinking, so-called writers like Shaughnessy who exist solely to do hatchet jobs on athletes deserve nothing more.

Day of celebration

Like many Red Sox fans, I spent all of yesterday partying. Before someone calls me pathetic, it was also my birthday, so that was kind of an excuse. But what better present could I get than the Yankees being eliminated from the playoffs?

We got to watch a $200 million choke job. Every year it's more expensive. And every year, it's the same result.

Dan, as you all knew he would, chimes in this morning. Not much here, folks. Well, okay, there's this:

But today we come to celebrate the colossal flop of the 2006 Pinstripes.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Dan spend much of the last 6 weeks saying how stupid the Red Sox were and how they should be more like the Yankees, who were probably going to go all the way? Hmmm. Now it turns out their net advantage was exactly 4 extra games, for a nice sum of $80 million. We sucked, too, and we did it for less!

Red Sox fans are still licking their wounds from the five-game disgrace at Fenway Park in August, but if you love to hate the Yankees, it doesn't get any better than what went down the last three days in New York and Detroit.

Anybody here still bemoaning that series? Honestly, I got over it weeks ago. Maybe I'm the only one.

Brian Cashman has to trade him now (assuming A-Rod waives his no-trade, and why wouldn't he?).

I keep seeing this, and I don't buy it. Torre batted him 8th, sure, but there's news that Torre may be fired. Why does Cashman have to trade him? Until November, he's the reigning AL MVP. And with Texas picking up no small portion of his salary, he's not exactly a huge hit to the Yankee checkbook, no more so than any of the other overpaid geezers they have on that team.

As a side note, I think the expression on Brian Cashman's face as he watched from the box seats yesterday is now my new favorite expression, narrowly edging out the "deer in the headlights" look Peyton Manning gets during playoff games.

The numbers are numbing. Six straight years of playoff failure. A $200 million payroll going home after only one round. It should make some of you smile to realize that since the end of the 2000 season, George Steinbrenner has spent $1.2 billion in player salaries (plus luxury taxes) and he's 0 for 6 in championships. The Yankees were 3-1 favorites to beat the Tigers in the first round, then got swept three straight after winning the first game.

I printed this because it makes me laugh. It's all right there in front of you. The Yankees, ladies and gentlemen. $1.2 billion and 0 for 6. Keep doing what you're doing, George!

Back to the Future

So this is how it's going to be. One month worth of columns on the Major League Baseball playoffs, none of them more than lists of names of players who used to play for Boston.

Yesterday's column on Derek Jeter featured a strange sidetrack on Nomar Garciaparra. Today's piece, which had more to do with commuting and Red Sox past than baseball present, mentioned no less than seven former Boston employees. In order:

* Derek Lowe
* Grady Little
* Bill Mueller
* Dave Jauss
* Nomar Garciaparra
* Dennis Eckersley
* Lowe (again)
* Cliff Floyd
* Nomar (again)
* Nomar (again) .

The CHB also managed to work in references to the Red Sox World Series' teams of 1946 and 1967, Fenway Park and the CITGO sign.

Meet the new CHB. Same as the old CHB.

Revisionist History

Think Shaughnessy can write a column on Derek Jeter without mentioning Nomar Garciaparra?

It's been more than two years since "Nomie" was the regular Red Sox SS, yet The CHB recalls those happy times like they were yesterday -- and never forgets to mention how Garciaparra watched while Jeter carelessly threw himself into the Boston stands chasing a popup.

"That was the play that ultimately made Boston realize that Nomar Garciaparra (he was sulking on the bench when Jeter put himself in the hospital) had to go," asserts The CHB. Revisionist history aside, that would be the same Garciaparra who finished in the top 11 of the MVP race six times; the same Garciaparra who was hitting .321 and slugging .500 when he was traded; the same Garciaparra who was clearly hurt that season (he was on the DL three times all told) and has spent a career fighting injuries both major and nagging; the same Garciaparra about whom Nick Carfado presciently wrote in June 2004:

Nomar Garciaparra just wants to play. Boston's All-Star shortstop is tired of the stories -- some new, others that have been around for years -- that always seem to crop up when his name is mentioned.

Some of those tales include whether Garciaparra purposely delayed his return from a recent Achilles' injury as a message to management, either in response to not receiving a contract extension or lingering bitterness over the offseason pursuit of Alex Rodriguez. He's tired of people speculating about property he's thinking of buying or selling.

Overall, it's quintessential CHB, overrating the significance of a single game in order to back up a dubious hypothesis. Who's next up for the CHB Love Machine? Brian Doyle?

Decisions, decisions!

We should all feel very sorry for Dan today. He was faced with a difficult choice--the Patriots' post-game festivities were going on at the same time as Theo Epstein's press conference! What to do, what to do? Cincinnati or Boston? On the one hand, the opportunity to take shots at Theo, accuse him of being arrogant and incompetent, and ask snarky questions about whether he's going to quit again. On the other hand, the opportunity to take shots at Belichick, accuse him of being arrogant and incompetent, and ask snarky questions about whether he thinks it might be a good idea to have a wide receiver on the roster.

In other words, same poo, different day.

Apparently, Cincinnati is nice this time of year, because he chose to completely flip-flop on his stance from last week and start being positive about the Patriots again. With a 38-13 victory, that's not so hard, is it, Dan? Sort of like the guy who only believes in God when it's sunny and 75 out.

National television commentators talked about it. Scribes wrote about it. Fans looked at the game films after the Denver debacle and dissected Brady's every gesture. Nonstop nuance. Forget about body surfing, body painting, body politic, body by BALCO, and Jesse ``The Body" Ventura -- we were immersed in Brady's body language.

You know, I keep hearing about what a good writer Shaughnessy is, even if the content is sometimes bothersome, but I really don't see it. The metaphors and allusions to pop culture are awkward and forced. The parallel structure isn't parallel. The diction is lazy. It's like he doesn't even try.

``How's your body language now?" we asked him.

``The word of the week, right there," he said with a grin. ``Even my dad was like, `Tell me about your body language', and I'm like, `Are you kidding me? Dad, not you, too!' I think instead of talking about concentrating on how you're walking or all that, I think worrying about how I'm passing the ball and how we're executing and converting on third down and converting in the red zone -- I think that's the reason why we won the game."

I was about to say that those reporters asked him one of the silliest questions I've heard in awhile, but I think that award goes to Brady's dad. Congratulations, sir!

At the same time there were multiple theories on Brady's sub-par performance: He wasn't getting the help he needed. He was frustrated because the Patriots let his top two receivers go. He was upset because he took less dough to stay in New England and management wasn't holding up its end. He was injured. His receivers were running the wrong routes. He couldn't remember what he was doing after popping an Ambien. On and on it went.

Uh, the first three theories are the exact same theory written three different ways, Dan. Simply put, "he didn't have the personnel and was frustrated about it." But I guess you have to get to a certain word count.

And what's up with the Ambien theory? Is it just random rubbish or is it a joke about Terrell Owens? How funny! Not.

Turns out he was right. The Patriots yesterday were firing on all cylinders.

Hear that? That's the sound of Dan vomiting on his keyboard as he types this compliment.

Indeed, Patriots fans have come to expect to see Bill Belichick outsmart the other team, and that's what we saw yesterday.

Anyone know the Heimlich? I think he's choking! He just had to say something nice about Belichick!

His only interception came on a ball tipped by Doug Gabriel, who looked remarkably like Wily Mo Peña running back on a long fly ball in Fenway's right field.

Ah, there it is. Heaven forbid we get through a football column without a cheap shot at the baseball team.

I guess we'll get the Red Sox post-mortem tomorrow. I've set the over/unders as follows:

• bad song lyrics: 2
• references to "young Theo": 5
• references to "minions": 3
• "Manny being Manny" insults: 2
• gorilla jokes: 2
• Casablanca references: 1
• incorrect/misleading statistics: 8
• rational, measured responses to the season: 0

Pass the Vicodin

During all the hoopla surrounding T.O.'s alleged suicide attempt yesterday, it briefly occurred to me that there was no possible way the coverage of that "event" could get any worse than it already was.

Well, I didn't anticipate Dan doing a column on it, so I take it all back. It got worse this morning with this insensitive pile of rubbish. I'm sort of speechless right now--that's how bothered I am by this piece. But let's carry on anyway:

First of all, the title is incredibly offensive. "We snapped to attention?" "Attention seeker Owens was given some more?" This makes me wonder what Dan would have said if it had actually turned out to be a suicide attempt. You know what, Dan? People who try suicide usually ARE seeking attention, and you know what? You'd better give them exactly what they want without judgment or resentment, because otherwise they have a tendency to wind up dead. I've spent 2+ hours on the phone talking someone out of it in the middle of the night before, and I have three friends with suicide attempts on their records, so I'm not just spouting Dr. Phil here. It doesn't matter to me that T.O. himself apparently didn't try suicide; it's the principle of the thing.

So there you have it. A new low in TV tabloid journalism. James Frey is reportedly already at work on events of the day.

If you plug "Dan Shaughnessy" into this sentence in place of "James Frey," the sentence still has exactly the same meaning! How funny!

We're never going to know the real story, of course. Only Owens really knows what happened. We know he loves attention. But it's hard to believe he would stoop to these depths just to make himself a bigger story. The tape of Etheredge's 911 call might shed more light on this and you can be sure the Dallas and Philadelphia media will produce said audio within a few hours.

But why do we care?

It is hard to believe, isn't it? Which is why I don't think anybody, in their heart of hearts (Dan probably doesn't understand this concept), believes that. And why would the Dallas police release the 911 call? It's an invasion of privacy.

Also, we care because anybody who doesn't care when a public figure or anyone else allegedly tries to kill himself has something wrong with them. If this was a story about Tom Brady attempting suicide, Dan, you'd be singing a different tune. If it was about Theo Epstein, you'd be laughing and jumping for joy.*

But he does not seem to be a liar and there is really no reason to doubt his story from the strange Tuesday night. In the end, Terrell Owens is an entertainer, not that much different from Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, or Mel Gibson. He is flawed, just like the rest of us. He needs attention and we provide. Never more than yesterday.

The Cowboys play at Philadelphia Oct. 8. Think anyone will be watching that one?

First of all, yes, they will, because it'll be a good football game if nothing else. Second of all, I don't know what to make of the first paragraph. He spends much of the column ripping T.O. and indirectly listing reasons we should doubt his story, then says we shouldn't doubt it? Yeah, okay. Just Dan being Dan, I guess. I give up.

*Note: I don't actually mean that. He's not THAT awful.

Acquiring target. . .

Apparently having tired of writing ineffective stories about what a horrible person and GM Theo Epstein is, Dan has set his sights on the possibly the only other two men in Boston who fans have even less reason to dislike: Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. Hey, Dan? If you want to make people hate someone, you probably shouldn't pick three of the most popular guys in the city. You're setting yourself up for failure.

In this column, Dan communicates the urgent message that he thinks Belichick is an arrogant snot.

The Patriots dominate the rest of the NFL but stubborn Mike Shanahan simply won't sign on to the theory that he's supposed to lose because the New England organization is smarter and better-prepared.

This "smarter and better-prepared" rubbish is media hype, Dan. You are the media. You could stop perpetuating it, but that would also prevent you from unloading on Belichick, so I guess that's not actually a viable option.

It proves only that arrogant attrition can catch up with any organization. Sometimes it's actually the team with the better players that wins.

Arrogant attrition, huh? I can see the theme of this column: Bill Belichick is arrogant. Guess what: if anyone has a reason to be, it's him. When did you start channeling Ron Borges? One of each of you is too much.

There was more booing at Gillette Stadium and the Patriots truly look like a team in distress, but we'd do well to remember that New England's 2003 Super Bowl champs were pancaked by Buffalo, 31-0, in September.

Anybody who boos the Patriots 3 games into the season after all the success they've brought to the city is too stupid and ungrateful to be allowed to be a fan. Go back to your basements, guys. Mean? Yes. But these people really irritate me. It's like they're taking their Red Sox frustrations out on the football team or something.

All in all, not a great show. The game was scheduled to be broadcast early this morning in Beijing and one could easily see why several million Chinese might not give a damn. Given this sample of American football, new viewers in Asia might prefer something more along the lines of a Jerry Lewis Film Festival.

First of all, they might not give a damn because, as you said, it's early in the morning there and they all have to go to work. Of course, they might actually give a damn because the vast majority of stuff on Chinese state television is absolutely horrendous. It makes tonight's game look like the premiere of "The Godfather."

Not to be confused with the Scorpion Bowl at the Kowloon off Route 1, the China Bowl will be played in Beijing's Workers Stadium, the site of the soccer competition for the XXIX Olympics. You'll have to rise at 8:30 a.m. to catch the Patriots and Seahawks in what could be a rematch of Super Bowl XLI.

What a funny joke! Oh, wait, no it wasn't. This sounds vaguely racist to me, too, but perhaps I'm too cynical.

Also, getting up at 8:30? What a burden. Sigh.

It's hard to believe Coach Bill could be thrilled with the decision to fly halfway around the world during the Patriots' preseason. The vaunted New York Yankees spent two months complaining about jet lag after they opened their 2004 regular season in Japan.

Yes, because these situations and sports are so incredibly comparable! Baseball vs. football, regular season vs. preseason, rigorous schedule vs. one game a week, etc. Extremely comparable!

Mike Mussina still hasn't recovered.

OK, this is funny.

No word yet on whether Bob Kraft plans to show off a championship ring to Chinese president Hu Jintao, but the government officials no doubt will applaud Belichick's crackdown on free speech in the Patriot locker room.

He isn't seriously comparing Belichick's taciturn demeanor with the Chinese Communist Party, is he? What a horrendous comparison. Why don't we compare their roster management with the Tian'anmen Square massacre? That would also be incredibly appropriate, sensitive, and rich in historical perspective.

Coach Bill was in boring overdrive after the spanking.

Oh, I get it. He's arrogant AND he gives you bad soundbites! And he's successful! Just like Theo! I see the pattern here!

It gets tougher before it gets easier. Next week the Patriots go to Cincinnati to face the 3-0 Bengals. Coach Bill says they have to play better.

What is the point of the last sentence other than to drive home the point that the columnist is really petty and immature?

Please leave the Patriot-bashing beat to your friend Ron Borges, Dan. I can't take this. If we put the two of you together, we'd have the worst football columnist on the planet. Has Borges apologized for criticizing the Richard Seymour draft pick yet?

Identity theft

Dan went by a new moniker today: "Gordon Edes."

This column is horrendous. There's not really much else to say. It is as bad as anything Shaughnessy has ever written about Manny, although (I can't believe I'm saying this) it's less subtle. Just a terrible, terrible article.

In the middle, we get this gem:

While the Red Sox crumbled when Ramírez went on hiatus -- last night was the 22d game out of 30 Ramírez has missed since taking himself out of the last game of the Yankee massacre Aug. 21, during which he has been paid $1.918 million (calculated on his base salary of $15 million this season) -- he had the audacity this week, through agent Greg Genske, to reiterate to the Red Sox his desire to be traded this winter.

First of all, there is every reason in the world to doubt this phrase (remember Gordon's brilliant article last winter, the one entitled "Epstein signs three-year contract?"). Second of all, I can't believe we have to go through this again. 6 more months of anti-Manny columns and baseless speculation about this enigmatic player is enough to make me wish Theo would quit again just so there's something else to write about. I'm dreading the offseason.

Twinkies

Today's "effort," if it can be called that, is about the Minnesota Twins and how much the Red Sox suck in comparison to them. The basic thesis is that the Twins have implemented a system of player development and small ball that fills their team with underrated no-names and makes them very good, while the Red Sox suck.

So the point here is that you like their system, Dan? OK, I can see that it's working. Guess what? The Red sox are trying to implement pretty much the same system save the emphasis on small ball. Yet you keep tearing them a new one. Do you not see the parallels here, Dan? Or are you too busy ignoring everything Theo says because you're trying to think of more ways to discredit him? I'd bet on that.

When will we learn? The Twins have a system. The fundamentals apply. They cultivate pitchers who throw strikes and fielders who catch the ball. They get runners on base, move them over, and drive them home.

Theo has been trying to do this practically since he got here, Dan. And I think every system in baseball tries to teach fundamentals. What you describe is, simply, playing baseball. It's not revolutionary. Also, their system? It tried to turn David Ortiz into a slap hitter. It's directly responsible for one of the weakest offenses in the majors over the last 4 years. But of course let's ignore that.

They play in the image of the people who live in the Twin Cities. They are honest and hard-working and they give you a lot for your money.

Ah, stereotyping! Two can play that game. I live near the Twin Cities right now, and let me tell you, there are just as many weirdos and dishonest people here as anywhere else, they're just not as diverse.

Amazing. It is Sept. 20, and the Red Sox have been done for more than three weeks while the Twins are winning with rookie pitchers and talented faces with no names.

Hmm. I think there was a three-week period in there where I didn't recognize half the guys on the field for the Sox at any given time. Who's in our rotation? A bunch of no-names. Hmm.

The Twins are 50-24 at home this year, including a 3-0 record vs. your Boston Red Sox. Counting spring training, the Twins are 8-1 overall against your Red Sox. Boston's lone victory was a Grapefruit League contest, which was won only after the Twins had clinched the coveted Mayor's Cup.

Why are we including spring training records? That's completely stupid. Spring training games have even less meaning than preseason football. Putting that in there serves no purpose except to baselessly make the team look bad. But when do we care about substance?

It's startling to examine how the fortunes of these two teams have changed after the Sox arrived in the Twin Cities June 12. The Red Sox were a first-place team back then and no one in New England dared make any plans for October.

Really? And this is strange? I would call making plans for October in June, no matter what your record was at that time, jumping the gun by quite a bit and, if you believe in that sort of thing, jinxing yourself. But that's odd to you, Dan? Wow.

Minnesota's three-game sweep of the Sox triggered a four-month surge, and last night the Twins pulled within a half-game of the Tigers (even in the loss column).

Right after that sweep, the Red Sox went on their 12-game winning streak. But we wouldn't want to mention that, because it would ruin the comparison.

Ryan is sort of the anti-Theo Epstein. He's bald, he's managed to stay out of the limelight, and he's been on something of a hot streak when it comes to deal-making since giving up a tad early on a young David Ortiz after the 2002 season.

First of all, the treatment of David Ortiz by the Twins was one of the most stupid, inexcusable management moves of the last 10 years. Let's not treat this as a throwaway line at the end of a paragraph. That was a HUGE mistake. If the Twins hadn't been so stuck in their small-ball slap-hitter system and tried some different things, they might have had a genuinely great power hitter for cheap. But they gave up and let him go for nothing. It was a horrendous move. No one's saying they should have predicted what Ortiz would become, but they sure should have seen him as more than worthless. That alone knocks Terry Ryan's Genius-meter down a few notches.

Second (I did this backwards), let's look at the beginning of the paragraph. So Terry Ryan is the exact opposite of Theo because he is bald? Theo's twin brother will be interested to hear that. He might also be interested in examining the implication that his brother doesn't "manage to stay out of the limelight." Does Dan seriously think Theo is a media-whoring attention-seeker? That he WANTS to be in the limelight? Because that's the stupidest thing I've heard, and it sure sounds like that's what he's trying to imply in a backhanded way. Newsflash, Dan: Theo hates the media. This is incredibly well-documented. The media make his life a living hell. He can't go to the store and buy coffee without getting mobbed. He can't get his hair cut. He can't go to the bar with friends. He can't take his girlfriend to the movies. Basically, it is completely impossible for him to do any of the things that a normal guy his age likes to do, and yet you think he wants this when he has stated on several occasions that it makes his daily life horrendous? That's just ridiculous. Find something less obviously wrong to blame him for next time.

Ryan is the man who acquired closer Joe Nathan, starter Francisco Liriano, and starter Boof Bonser (young Mr. Bonser legally changed his name from John to Boof) for A.J. Pierzynski before the 2004 season.

This was a great trade. And I'm more of the opinion that it was about Brian Sabean being a complete idiot who doesn't know the second thing about prospects than it was about Terry Ryan being a genius, but whatever.

Santana is going to win the Cy Young Award, but Minnesota lost Liriano last week when the 22-year-old lefthander reinjured his pitching elbow against Oakland.

Santana's going to win the Cy Young? Can I borrow that crystal ball? I need to know how long it's going to take the maintenance people to fix our shower this morning. It's got no cold water and it's been scalding people, but they have to turn the water off to the whole house to fix it and it would be nice to know how long it'll take!

Oh, and they don't have any Mannys being Manny, either. There were no fewer than 20 Twins on the Fenway lawn at 2 p.m. yesterday, and not one player was on the bus when it left the team hotel for the ballpark at 4 p.m. Everybody was already at the park.

It wouldn't be a CHB column without at least one denigration of Manny Ramirez. Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Shaughnessy! Exit to your left, recycle your programs at the door!

Litter box liner

These days, the above title is really the only decent use for the Globe. Since Dan has disappeared lately, I'd like to point out the following line from today's Nick Cafardo article on David Murphy and the 2003 draft:

The '03 draft produced Rocco Baldelli, Mark Teixeira, Jose Reyes, Joe Mauer, Miguel Cabrera, Justin Morneau, Johan Santana, Travis Haffner, Hanley Ramirez, Rich Harden, Lastings Milledge, Brandon Wood, Nick Markakis, Chad Cordero, and Rickey Weeks."

Does this paper employ editors? I really wonder. Look at that list again. First of all, Travis Hafner and Rickie Weeks' names are spelled wrong. Second of all, the only players on that list that were actually in the 2003 draft were Brandon Wood, Chad Cordero, Rickie Weeks, Lastings Milledge, and Nick Markakis. The remaining names are flat-out wrong (plus they left out Delmon Young and Conor Jackson). Some of those were international free agent signings and were never drafted. Johan Santana? Try 1995, not 2003. The idiocy of that line is mind-boggling. Did anyone bother to look this up? You can get this info on Baseball America in approximately 25 seconds.

I'm really at a loss here. Of course, the current online version of the article has been edited, so people who didn't see it earlier will never know exactly how stupid and careless the Globe was.

With garbage like this, is it any surprise that columns by the likes of Shaughnessy and Ron Borges continue to be front and center with this paper? If the Herald would improve the quality of their other sections, I guarantee they'd be stealing a LOT of Globe customers. This kind of error is inexcusable.

It's time to denigrate the Patriots!

Fresh off watching an ugly Patriots game yesterday afternoon, Dan resurfaces this morning to tell us that the first half sucked. Really, Dan? I had no idea! Being down 17-7 at halftime told me nothing!

In the midst of a column about the Patriots, Dan can't resist taking shots at the Red Sox:

New England football fans, ever trusting, loyal, and anxious to pay homage to everything the organization does, were booing the offense with nine minutes to go in the first half of the first game of the season. Julian Tavarez certainly would not have approved, but Brady just shook his head and said, ``I don't blame 'em. I don't think we gave 'em much to cheer. They want to see us do some things offensively, put the ball in the end zone, and we turned the ball over, you know, we can't complete a pass. I'd be booing up there, too, if I were them."

The first sentence is highly debatable, especially since he follows up his claim that fans are anxious to laud the organization by pointing out that they were booing REALLY quickly. I think the rope is considerably shorter than you believe, Dan.

And why the shot at Julian Tavarez? Just because Tom Brady didn't complain about booing fans doesn't mean no one is allowed to. I think booing a team that's given you 3 Super Bowls in 5 years less than halfway through the first game of the season is the height of stupidity, and I don't care how bad they looked. Show a little gratitude and have a little bit of rope, huh?

Do we blame the Revolution or is Coach Infallible gaining some perceived competitive edge from the golden sand?

This is ridiculous. "Coach Infallible?" Is no one safe? Bill Belichick is on my short list of Boston guys never to boo, no matter what he does on the field. Also on the list: Tom Brady, Pedro Martinez, Curt Schilling, David Ortiz, Jason Varitek, and yes, Keith Foulke. "Coach Infallible?" I guess Belichick's sin is to win too much, which makes people happy. Dan can't stand that. Good grief. When does he start bashing Brady?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is called throwing yourself under the bus, taking one for the team. New England's offense was most inept in the second quarter, when a succession of running plays yielded a succession of three-and-outs and inspired fans to give their heroes the Seanez treatment.

Phew. Dan still likes him. And the "Seanez treatment?" You could insert pretty much anybody's name there, and I guarantee you that idiot Boston fans will have booed him at one time or another.

Opening Day was an SOS to the front office.

I don't even know what to say here, besides this: YOU CANNOT JUDGE A TEAM BASED ON ONE GAME! Jeez, Dan. Jump to conclusions much?

Get A Grip? How About a Noose?

The CHB ends today's mail-in in typical negative fashion:

But playoffs?

Please. Get a grip.

This raises an important question: What purpose does Shaughnessy serve?

Does he raise the collective knowledge of the readers? Does he enlighten or entertain? Does he shed light on problems that need correcting? Do his rantings, accusations, malignings and bitterness serve the public?

The answer to all of the above, of course, is no.

His impotence is shocking. Accomplishing at least one of those "feats" on any given day is not all that hard to do. Christ, even Joan Vennochi hits a single once in awhile. Meanwhile, day after day The CHB trudges back to the bench, club in hand, having swung and missed yet again.

He's a waste of newsprint and money. It's high time the New York Times shareholders questioned why their investment dollar is being used to support what is clearly a weak and incompetent Globe management team.

Jon Lester

No criticism today. The only criticism I can even try to offer here is that Dan called the Lesters when it was probably better not to, but since he's been through it and offered advice and support, I think even that can be excused.

This column broke my heart. It was well-written and incredibly emotional. Not the Dan we're used to.

I really have nothing to say, other than that that the news about Jon Lester is extremely upsetting and that we should all be thinking about him and praying for him, if one is so inclined. Best wishes, Jon. You can lick this thing. Get well soon.

And may I put in a voluntary plug here for everyone to please donate to the Jimmy Fund. Cancer can hit anyone, whether it be a favorite athlete or someone close to you or even yourself. I've already had two close friends lose parents to cancer (one to lymphoma, though he was MUCH older than Lester) and a grandfather nearly die of it, and I'm barely out of high school. It's everywhere, and they need all the help they can get to find a permanent cure.

Other places you can donate, if the spirit moves you:

American Cancer Society
Children's Miracle Network
Ronald McDonald House Charities
Lymphoma Research Foundation

In which Dan tries to be tactful

After a hiatus of maybe three days, Dan returns this morning! Let's face it: the column title is appropriate. It is indeed time to mail it in and look ahead. This August has, to put it in dignified terms for our sensitive friend Bruce, sucked. It's hard to even know what to say any more. Nothing is probably best, so rest assured Dan will not do that.

Think of September at Fenway as Fort Myers with higher ticket prices.

We never miss an opportunity, do we, Dan? I could think of several differences between Fenway and Fort Myers other than the ticket prices, such as "Fort Myers has not been around since 1912 and is basically a strip mall with palm trees" or "Fenway is not like Fort Myers, because Florida is really awful to be in this time of year, unless you enjoy getting concussions from flying pieces of aluminum siding and drowning in your car." But moving on!

Sox general manager Theo Epstein was reluctant to admit the significance of yesterday's deal, which is expected to bring Triple A catcher George Kottaras into the fold. Boston's young executive with the faded halo said, ``It doesn't mean that these games aren't important. It doesn't mean that the performances of our players aren't important, but it's a balancing act and we thought this was the right thing to do.

``It's not where we expected to be," he admitted. ``It's not where we want to be. But we're not immune from that kind of month [9-21 in August] . . . This is the reality now. And we're going to work hard to make sure it's not going to happen again."

I watched this press conference. It was the funniest thing ever. Dan kept trying to get Theo to come out and say he was throwing in the towel, and Theo just wouldn't do it. Damned if you do and damned if you don't, Theo. If you say you're throwing it in, he jumps on that. If you don't, he jumps on you for being disingenuous. May I suggest a restraining order?

Now, I actually want to congratulate Dan on this next part. He handles the Lester cancer rumors very well, in a sensitive and appropriate manner. Given that his own daughter had cancer some years ago, he probably knows exactly what the Lesters are feeling right now. Kudos, Dan. Also, kudos for including this quote from Francona:

Irresponsible headline update 2: ``His family is going through a little bit of a loop when they woke up and saw what they saw [including a Herald front-page headline that read, `Sox cancer scare -- Lester's enlarged lymph nodes a big concern.'] "

Although this is perhaps somewhat ironic, I think this amounts to calling the Herald out on their incredibly insensitive headline, and I like it. Tony Massarotti, you know you've hit rock bottom when I'm calling Dan a better man than you.

Of course, he then takes most of the second page to play his favorite game: "Crap on Theo Epstein." You can just hear the glee in his voice now that the team has hit a rough patch. How happy you must be, Dan. The team sucks AND you can blame it on Theo! This must be like Christmas!

Shame on the Boston Herald

This isn't Shaughnessy-related, so if that bothers you, please feel free to ignore this and come back when Dan writes again.

There is rampant speculation all over the Internet right now that Jon Lester may have cancer. Said speculation was triggered by this Tony Massarotti article, published late last night in the Herald.

A lot of people are expressing extreme displeasure with the Herald for putting this out there, and I would like to jump on the bandwagon. The article shows an appalling lack of respect for Jon Lester and his family. Massarotti reveals that Lester has "enlarged lymph nodes" and has information from--you guessed it--unnamed sources, and the Herald publishes the sensational headline, "Lester tested for cancer."

First of all, whoever leaked this information should be fired. If it was a Sox official, I want them gone. If it was a health professional, I want them gone and I want them arrested for a HIPAA violation (yes, you can be jailed for that).

And, that said, the Herald should be ashamed of themselves for such an alarmist headline followed up with almost no backing in the article. There are dozens of causes for enlarged lymph nodes. Cancer is only one possibility. Yet that was the one they focused on? There is no information whatsoever in the article besides the illegal revelation that Lester is being tested for cancer. One sentence: "Such a symptom can be caused by an array of issues, from infections to cancer. " No other information given, so here it is: an infection is FAR more likely than cancer. So much more likely that such a headline is ridiculous. The vast majority of swollen lymph nodes are caused by exactly this. I should know, I had lymphadenitis this summer. Pretty much anything can cause swollen lymph nodes.

Yet in this article, we get "Lester tested for cancer!" followed by one sentence about how it could be an infection and a whole pile of smarmy BS about his prospect status. Utterly irresponsible. And what's worse, every news outlet then picked up on it and it's on top of the ESPN site. So Lester, who is probably scared out of his mind, has to deal with the entire world knowing about this when it may not even be true? Shame on you, Boston Herald. You had nothing to go on besides information from sources who legally should not have given you this information, and you published this. Shame on you. Once a tabloid, always a tabloid, I guess.

If it turns out that Lester, God forbid, DOES have cancer, this won't change my stance one bit. It won't justify this.

Irresponsible headline update: Today's article comes with the headline "Lester in Sox' thoughts: Team confirms diagnosis." Does this not make it sound as if they've confirmed the CANCER diagnosis and everybody's now freaking out for him? Is that not what the implication seems to be here? Yet there's really no new information, except that everyone is scared for him (me, too) and that he's had other symptoms like feeling lousy and losing weight (look, more HIPAA violations!). I feel sick enough about what might be happening, why do they have to make it worse?