Imagine

Or, The One Where Shank Makes Up Fake Friends:

Tom Brady hasn’t been seen in Foxborough since before Thursday night’s preseason game with the Bears.

Injured? Pouting?

The Patriots aren’t saying anything. And their fans just love it.

Here's what prompted Shank to write this column (besides his hatred of Robert Kraft) - the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick are tight lipped about Tom Brady, who supposedly cut his thumb on Thursday and hasn't been at the stadium since that time. The lack of information and cooperation with the media sticks in Shank's craw, so he writes a whiny column about it

Around here, every day is Patriots Day. Some days are just more sweet than others. Monday was one of those days, as Patriots fans celebrated the fifth consecutive day of no information regarding the most important player in franchise history.

It's the preseason - no one gives a shit, Shank.

I bumped into a couple of Patriots loyalists at a pub in Brighton, and they could barely contain their joy.

That's the only believable part of the column. These types of Shank columns come across as absurd, and when combined with his trademark negativity, it is truly a turd to behold.