Settle Down, Beavis

Shank's third column in as many days focuses on Adrian Gonzalez and his first game in a Red Sox uniform. His over-the-top effusiveness and gushing praise for the man bring to mind one question - did Shank give this guy a blowjob after the game?

I am dead serious. Check these sentences out:

Some moments stand out in a lifetime, like red M&Ms sprinkled into a big bowl of vanilla.

There was the night the Beatles first played on “The Ed Sullivan Show.’’

There was the first moon landing on July 20, 1969.

And then there was Adrian Gonzalez’s first game in a Red Sox uniform yesterday at City of Palms Park in southwest Florida.

Who’ll ever forget it?

...

It was a fluid, loose swing. Pure butter.

...


Yo Adrian has the soft hands of Yo Yo Ma, hands of a confident hitter. The first swing, the first hit, was textbook stuff.

I'm sure Adrian Gonzalez is a good player, but really, give us a freakin' break, Shank...