DHL Dan, Mailing It In

As the commenter Anonymous pointed out this afternoon, Shank's CNN / SI article is a simple combination of the two Globe columns from yesterday, with enough rearrangement so that it doesn't look like a complete ripoff, like a mention of 'Theo and his minions' and only one remark about Pedroia's height. Stay classy!

I know it was a hot, sunny day in Boston today, and it's the kind of day where you don't feel like doing a whole lot. Looks like Shank felt that way, too.

The Walking Wounded

Shank slowly returns his focus to the Boston Red Sox this week, but not to bore us about 'run prevention'. Instead he chronicles the many injuries endured by the Red Sox this season, the most recent of which was to Dustin Pedroia on Friday night, with a broken foot. Shank needs to remind us that Dustin is short ('half-pint', 'diminutive') and it juts out in a most obnoxious manner.

If you're looking for some poor writing, the first article may be more to your liking:

For three bone-cracking nights and days the Red Sox were sittin’ by the dock of Sick Bay.

...

Friday night it was Pedroia flopping in the dirt around home plate like a salmon on dry land...

...

Saturday it was Buchholz pulling up short like a wounded deer...

...

It was a dark and stormy night...

I threw that last one in there, but you get the idea.

I'm pretty sure this is the reason we haven't had any Sox bashing articles from Shank over the past two months:

Overall, the Sox are 42-22 since April 20, the best record in baseball during that stretch.

Case Closed

Shank's second Saturday column focuses on Red Sox closer Jonathan Paplebon and his recent struggles in Colorado against the Rockies, complete with a Yosemite Sam reference. I think we're only a few blown saves away from Shank throwing him under the proverbial bus...

Shank's Show Tunes Review

Well, not really. Shank checks out the musical Johnny Baseball and finds it takes some liberties with the truth. There's also a mention of the immortal book “The Curse of the Bambino’’. Since I don't give a rat's ass about musicals, feel free to read further.

Mea Culpa?

Writing his weekly CNN / SI column, Shank has once again surprised us. Okay, maybe it's just me. Still, a recently emerging theme has reared its head - The My Bad Column. He wrote one of them a few months ago, and we get another one today that leads off with a huge whopper:

I hate writing about David Ortiz. Every time I say he's done, Ortiz goes on a tear. When I admit I'm wrong, he goes into a tailspin and I wonder if I was right in the first place.

I was certainly wrong about Ortiz in this space on April 12, when I wrote a column headlined, "Boston's big problem: Big Papi past his prime, no longer everyday DH.''

It seemed to be true at the time, but of course that was before Ortiz wound up being American League Player of the Month in May, when he hit .363 with 10 homers and 27 RBIs.

It's like a food court of column types! How many Shank column types are we up to (not necessarily in this order of frequency)?

* The Go Through The Motions column
* The Mail It In column (twin brother of the Go Through The Motions column)
* The Rip A Pro Athlete / Manager / Coach / Organization column
* The Good, Solid column
* The Local Non-Professional Athlete column
* The My Bad column
* The Picked Up Pieces column

If the Red Sox take 1st place in the AL East, we may even see another My Bad column in the near future. Sweet...

More On Doc Rivers

Shank expands a bit on Doc Rivers' future with the Celtics. It's hard to imagine a scenario with Doc sticking around, but it's been an interesting six years, hasn't it?

No 18th Banner

The Celtics lose to the Lakers in Game 7, 83 - 79. Shank provides the straightforward game recap.

Last Dance?

Shank ponders Doc Rivers' future with the Boston Celtics. For those who keep an eye on the Celtics, this has been discussed for a few months now, so it's not exactly a news flash.

Furthering on the theme, Shank says that tonight's Game 7 is the end of an era, with expiring contracts and possible retirements (my speculation, not Shank's), including Doc Rivers' potential departure.

We knew this was a three-year window when Ainge assembled the New Big Three in the summer of 2007.

And we'll read the post mortem tomorrow, win or lose.

Game 7 - It's On!

It's not a fun way to get to Game 7, but Shank wraps up Game 6
for us and doesn't pull any punches.

How can you tell when Shank's bailing on a team?

Your Green Team was thrashed by the Lakers at Staples Center last night. Playing with none of the urgency and thunder that marked the final two games in Boston, the Celtics were Dropkick Murphyed in Game 6 of the NBA Finals, 89-67.

Nothing like a forced pop culture reference to trash a small paragraph. Must be the strain of the game still affecting him. Then again, after seeing Perkins hobble off the court, and have his services in doubt for Game 7, it's tough to remain an optimist.

I did like this snippet, though:

So much for Shrek and Donkey. In Game 6, they were all donkeys.

Let's hope that last sentence doesn't apply tomorrow night. Go Celtics!

Road Warriors

Shank's column focuses on past road performances by the Boston Celtics. A decent column, albeit a little abbreviated.

Game 5 Recap

Shank covers the Celtics win over the Lakers, 92 - 86 at the Garden. It's a straightforward column, not terribly good or terribly bad.

What A Pair

I see a Shank vacation after the Celtics - Lakers series is over, because we have three columns in as many days. The latter two as follows:

First up is the picked up pieces column, which contains a few interesting tidbits, but these columns generally come off as the 'mail it in' variety.

The second column compares Celtics trash talking, then and now.

It's tough to comment / mock this set of columns; they're just bland, and I get the impression that three columns in three days tends to water down their quality. I mean, more so than usual...

Reload

Shank's Saturday column focuses on Ray Allen and his shooting performances over the past two games.

I knew Ray Allen was going to come out of it (whatever you say, Shank - ed). I mean, this guy is really dedicated.

You heard about Ray, right? Just eight hours after missing all 13 of his shots in Game 3, there was a sighting of Allen jacking up threes at HealthPoint in Waltham at 7:30 a.m. Wednesday.

Halfway through the column, we're informed that Shank just bullshitted his way through:

Actually, I made all of that up. Ray takes a lot of pride in his shooting. But he doesn’t need to go all over town to break out of a one-game slump. He has his routine.

And Shank has his.

UPDATE - This column was Friday's, not Saturday's.

Celtics 96, Lakers 89

Shank's Friday column recaps the Game 4 win over the L.A. Lakers, complete with a 1:56 video of Shank summarizing the game from the parquet floor. Makes you want to click & watch, doesn't it?

Fadin' Away

Shank recaps last night's Celtics loss to the Lakers with a semi-inspired, cliche riddled column.

You want some lame wordplay?

The Phil Jackson Five took a punch in the mouth...

Clever alliteration?

...a grand and grueling match of modern mastodons.

All Tied Up

Shank recaps last night's Celtics road win over the Lakers. Keeping up with the movie themes,

If Game 1 was “Ishtar,’’ Game 2 was “The Godfather.’’

Talkin' Smack

Shank reports on Pau Gasol's comments concerning Kevin Garnett:

“On Kevin’s part, he’s also lost some explosiveness,’’ said Gasol. “He’s more of a jump shooter now, you could say . . . time passes and we all suffer it one way or another.’’

Game 2 should be interesting.

Lakers 102, Celtics 89

Shank reviews Game 1 of the 2010 NBA Finals, which can be summed up with a somewhat overstated paragraph:

Dustin Hoffman had “Ishtar’’ and now the Celtics have Game 1 of the 2010 Finals. These were the bad old Celtics who played .500 ball over the last 54 games of the regular season.

Comparing last night's loss to perhaps the worst movie ever made is a massive insult, but I expect no less from the Globe's 'ace' sports columnist.

Shank Previews Game 1

Shank's courtside for a one minute preview of tonight's game, complete with a semi-unicorn look to compliment the afro.

Hardwood Houdinis

Shank's in LA covering the Celtics - Lakers final, and treats us to a decent column. Bob Cousy gives his take on Rajon Rondo, and it's worth reading in its entirety. Really.

UPDATE at 5:55 PM - Link to article included. Sorry about that!